Why are we here? Why are we putting ourselves through all this pain and heartache? If I was to read this site before the A I would have thought "what a bunch of losers, dump the spouse". And yet, here i am, one of the "losers". I see the pain and i feel it, i see people working so hard at saving their marriages only to be cheated on again, and still they go back. And yet there is still a glimmer of hope out there of those who have worked it out. But i wonder, in those who say that their marriages are better than ever, can they fully trust their spouse again. Can they go through the day without thinking about the betrayal? Does it ever stop replaying in their minds?

Well,I know why I am here.To help/support.I may not have saved my marriage but I am living proof that you can have a great life if it doesn't happen and you will survive.

Personally,I had no idea this site existed before the A so I had no opportunity to make an assessment of whether or not to say "dump the bum".But it's a testament to those who are here now and in the past years how much they cared and are trying to make a very painful situation better and save their marriages and families from further destruction.

O

The department I work in consists of 5 men... all of which are called BS. I'm the newest member in this strange little club we have. Talk about a messed up department.

As for trust and types of negative thoughts... well, 2 of the guys have forgiven and reconciled and it's been 2 yrs and 5 yrs. They continue to have triggers, but the difference is they don't dwell on them lke they used to. They do have thoughts of the betrayal their FWW did, but they made the progress they felt was needed to survive the A. They have told me that they are reminded of what happened many times, but they also feel they have overcome the way those thoughts can paralyze you.

As for me, I said "I forgive you" a couple of weeks ago and I feel better. It doesn't mean that the sadness will never be there, just that I have come to an understanding with what happened and have found a way for me to move forward.

I forgave my FWH too. I am sorry to sound so negative. I guess I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. I think I am having a problem being stuck in the betrayal. I will see my H do something that will make me smile and think good thoughts and then bam the betrayal pops in my head and then i am saddened. It is a difficult month for me in that my birthday is coming up, as well as my anniversary...and i don't want to celebrate either. I want to hide from it all.

A very common saying on this board is, "Forgiving does not mean forgetting." Right now I'm working on 1 hr of sleep because of a huge trigger that happened last night. Out of nowhere my mind went racing like it was D-day. This, of course, is just one of the hurdles that I will need to learn to deal with in my own way. There is nothing my FWW can do and I do not expect her to do anything about it. It's all on me.

I also need to stress that while this happened I found it comforting that I was not getting angry... just a feeling of sadness (ironic).

More coffee please.

I am feeling angry toward the OW. In the beginning I was communicating to her via e-mail, and mostly i was nice to get info out of her. I have not talked to her in 4 months, yet now i want to send a nasty email to her telling her what i really think about her and the whole situation. I mentally write her every day. I do not feel angry per say to my H, but i seem to be falling deeper into sadness. I don't feel mcuh like celebrating my anniversary because that is the marriage that was faithful, it doesn't feel special anymore.

You noted that you said "I forgive you" to your H... but do you really? You seem to have issues that you haven't moved past, which is not uncommon.

My IC knew I was ready to say I forgive you when I had not written in my "angry journal" for a few weeks. It was two weeks after that session that I felt ready to say I forgive you. One of the biggest ways I knew I was ready to say I forgive you was that I no longer felt the urge to beat the snot out of the OM and any thoughts of him were not dwelling in my mind. I finally felt a sense of peace when any topic of OM came up.

Hopeful

I think that we came on to this site at similar times. I remember reading your thought and feelings and they were so similar to mine. I have forgiven my H, I have not forgiven the OW. BUT in forgiving, i have not forgotten and that is my problem. I have not forgiven myself, I am beating myself up over this, hurting myself.

Hmmm... I can't see where forgiving the other person would help. I have no intentions of forgiving the OM because he preyed on my wife knowing fully that she was married. He said everything she wanted to hear to make him (and the situation) more inviting. He pursued her for months to finally get what he wanted.

No, I feel no reason to forgive him. Mainly because I don't blame him for the A. I blame her. In the end my FWW had to say yes. I blame US for the status of our M, but I blame her for the A... not him. It was her decision to say yes.

This is why I'm able to move on in regards to him because he was not the main reason the A occured. Basically, you could have put anyone in the OM place and the chances of the A happening would have still been high.

yeah that is what i told her in the beginning. But for some reason this anger is building towards her. Maybe i am deflecting my anger and frustration with my H onto her and instead of dealing with it with him...i am internalizing my anger and blaming her. Hmmmm....something to ponder over I guess.

Maybe i am just having some dreary Chicago weather blues...could use some sunshine instead of these dark wet days.

Chicago!!! I'm in the Sears Tower. And yes, this dreary weather sucks.

Well okay, not really Chicago but the burbs. Don't get me wrong....I love the weather here, but man, my house has been so dark all day. Yeck. BTW I love that Dr. Phil saying....I have used that before to my H.

The Dr. Phil quote is the best way of defining the idea of what cheating is that I've ever seen. If there is a better one then I'd love to see it.