Mt husband had an affair with 2 different nurses in the local hospital where we live. He severed all contact after confessing. I believe that. The problem is he has to continue to work with them on occasion. There is no way around it. Only Hospital within 60 miles and we have school age kids, whose lives would be severly disrupted if we moved. Wondering how to deal with this.

Also, what is the advice on confronting the OW? I have a school age child in the same class as one of the OW, so I already knew her before I found out. Should I let her know I know?? The other woman I have not even seen. Should I confront? Thanks

Lisa, welcome to MB...but I'm sorry you have to be here. How long have you been married? How long ago were the A's? Can you be more specific about your situation? How much exposure have you done? You do not want it to be easy for them to resume A.

Your children`s lives would be severly disrupted if you got a divorce too. Complete total NC is vital to recovery. I suggest you go through this site and read up on it.

I know this is a difficult decision but it`s one you will need to make inorder to give yourselves the best hope of recovery.

You must be firm on this.

So, the reality is that he really hasn't severed all contact. Depending on how long ago this happened you could be in for a rough ride, which has the potential to cause a lot of problems for you and the children.

With limited knowledge of your situation, packing up your family and moving may be a better option then putting them (and yourself) through a h3ll they don't deserve.

I have been married 17 yrs. 4 daughterss ages 7-13. !st affair 8 yrs ago. Knew about it. Thought we'd been there done that. Found out 2 months ago he'd had 2 more. Second was about 2 yrs ago. Brief sexual fling. Then this past spring was "forced into" affair with another nurse whom he'd had previously an emotional affair with. She found out about #2 and blackmailed him into sleeping with her to keep quiet. It lasted about 6 months, got too much for him and he confessed (to both of them). Has negative feelings about her due to the whole blackmail thing.

Could there be more that you don't know about? Is it possible he is dealing with a sexual addiction?

I don't know about sex addiction. From all I have read on affairs, I don't think so. I think he is someone who just can't be open about having his needs met, and has made big mistakes. The only info I have is from his mouth. Talking to OW may shed some light, but who knows if they'yy tell the truth or just try to hurt me??

Wow, must have been a big gun held to his head while you were about to be thrown over a cliff. That won't work on this site. Everyone has options, it all depends on how you excercise those choices.

So, he's telling you he had to have another affair because the OW was going to expose him from a previous one? You may discover a few things about your H that you don't like. One that is classic is that a WS loves to deflect all blame to someone else because they think we'll believe them.

Keep this in mind... of all the potential options your H had he chose to have the A. Many, many, many diferent options, but the A was the best choice. Why?

Lisa, look the information here about NC. It makes a suggestion about the spouse writing a letter of no contact to the OW that you would approve of. It would let her that the relationship is off, that there is to be no more contact, and that your husband is going to work on restoring his marriage. That way she knows you know of the affair and it's his responsibility to break it off and give her the bad news that you know.

I agree that their were other options. When I ask or bring it up, I get "you don't understand", and "at the time I was trying to buy time" etc. The second affair ended shortly after it started. He rarely sees that person at work. The most recent affair partner knows I know. Hasn't spoken to him since he broke it off which was the same day he told me. He sees her about 2-3 times a week for an hour or so. Not necessarily direct contact. just same environment. We are in what I think is in good therapy, and we are just now getting to some of these issues.

I call B.S. This is a lie.

GC

Lisa:

LOL........I am sorry, but I am not laughing at you here....I almost have to laugh, because I can't actually believe that I am reading this.


Rather than tell you what I really think, I will just direct you to the concepts of PLan A and B here. The typical answer here would be for your Serially cheating husband not to ever have any contact ever again with the Other women (which one is it again?)

PLease go back and re-read what you wrote in your post, and put yourself in the shoes of an objective poster here. What would you think after reading about this. Affairs that happen after a one time abberration of character are one thing, but this that you have on your hands is a whole different matter.

I have not much else to say. My additional comments to you will NOT likely be helpful to you in seeking the recovery of your marriage.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

GreyCloud is correct. Your H is blowing smoke up your skirt!

Only in the movies...and X rated ones at that, or in his dreams.

And Lem is correct about the serial cheater thang! You need to think long and hard on this one.

k

Lisa,



Confrontation should be a very well thought-out action. What do you hope to gain by confronting? If you're considering this to get answers, consider that you can't trust the source. If you are simply curious, those kinds of questions can be settled without confrontation.

You probably don't want to find yourself in the middle of some Jerry Springer-ish catfight.

If you are considering confronting from the angle of exposure to aid in bringing the A to the light of day, thus possibly encouraging it's end, expose to her husband, significant other, workplace, etc...

Is she married? If so, and you do choose to expose to her H, you can pretty much guarantee that she will KNOW that you KNOW. Once you've done that, you can then let them deal with their own mess and you can focus on your situation.

Lisa...

Is this the best he can come up with?????

Either he is an idiot or he thinks you are.

If you are going to fix this M you are going to have to get real here. This excuse is a load of crap.

When you are facing the infidelity of your spouse it rocks your world. Suddenly you are faced with some very ugly truths. But face them you must if you want to pin point the problems and fix them. I understand why you might be tempted to believe this load of horse poop because to face the reality is extremely painful.

You`re H wasn`t blackmailed...he slept with her BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. He has a problem...not YOU...HIM. And you are not doing him any favours but letting him off the hook by buying into the lame excuses. He needs to own up to exactly what he has done and why he has done it before he will be able to seek help and profit from that help. You can help him in this by not believing his crappola.

All BS`s have heard WS silliness in early recovery. What your WS said is not all that unsual. What is a bit unusal is that you seem to believe it.

What did he tell you after the first affair?

I guess I'm feeling beat up on. I don't believe him. I know it may have seemed like he had no choice. But, I am smart enough to know he did. After the very first affair I unfortunately was innocent enough to believe that it wasn't sexual. I even confronted the other woman and she denied it. Not much got fixed after that. Thought it was a bump in the road. Then 2 months agao he came home to tell me about 3rd affair, and after he confessed told me "Oh yea and there's another one that was very brief (that being #2). So here I am. Completlyconfused. I have not done any exposing, because First and foremost it is too humiliating to me and my daughters. Second, the women were in the process of getting divorced when the affairs happened, and the 3rd one's husband called me after my husband confessed. Other than publically humiliting him, I don't see the point. I'd rather die than have evryone whispering behind my back. I know the hospital people know because I have worked in hospitals before.
We are getting therapy. He is very remorseful. He is willing to do whatever it takes to make up for this. He says he'll move if I want. He does not communicate with either of them. Has asked to not have the nurses in question work on his patients. I don't know what else to expect at this point. I have thought about filing a formal complaint against the nurses at work, but it took place after hours, so I don't think it will help.

A lot of people here are gonna tell you a lot of things, but one thing I think everyone will agree with is that no one knows your situation better than you. Find an MC that you are both comfortable with that will help you achieve your goals. If you, for even one instant, have doubts about your MC's approach or directions then let him/her know. If MC won't change the approach then find another one. The phonebook is full of them.

Another thing to remember is that WS's are good at not telling the truth. That's how they duped us for so long in the first place. Their real good at it. Second guess anything he tells you till you have valid answers that add up to his story. That doesn't mean LB by calling him a liar. Just take what he says and put it into your pocket till you can get answers for yourself. Confront only when you have proof that he is not being truthful.

Also, the veterans here have tons of advise that is worth considering. None have the best answers for all situuations, but don't shrug off anything they have to say till you seriously consider what they said.

Lisa,

Please take a good hard look at your situation. Your H is not taking responsibility for his actions. Do you really think that there were 8 years of fidelity in the midst of a cheat-fest?

Have you ever exposed him for his actions? If the two of you are sincere about working on your M, you both need IC and you need serious MC. If you don't figure out why he is doing this, it will continue. Heck, it may continue anyway.

Please don't think me too harsh when I say, if you act like a doormat, you will probably be treated like one.