Hi All - hope to get some support here...feeling really down.

Well, I told the truth - revealed everything about my stupid affair. I did it because that's who I am, and also because I wanted to finally get his attention so we could work on the real problems of the marriage.

I have taken full responsibility - I beat myself up on a regular basis.

My husband has advised me that "the next time I decide to practice radical honesty with a mate - make sure they can take it."

Because he says he can't. So now we're through. Thirteen years of marriage <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It's been 10 months since D day and 8 months of separation.....I take full responsbility, have processed with him in couples therapy (he's quit twice), we both go to IC, and he goes to group therapy! It's astonishing that despite all of that therapy he's unable to dig deep one iota to accept that perhaps just maybe some of the[color:"red"] [/color] issues WE have as a couple may just maybe have contributed to my desperate attempts to find some companionship through an affair.

So - even though in the end it was right for me to reveal everything - practicing "radical honesty" - it has gotten me no where except to divorce court!

I've spent so many months crying, pleading, convincing, showering him with love and attention, being positive etc ...all to no avail. He cannot forgive he says due to his deep seated abandonment issues...and I think maybe due to his Narcissism which will not allow him to see his role in any of the problems in our marriage AND decide to work on those issues instead of "beating me up" with his anger. This is his third marriage! Jeeze you'd think he'd want to get one right!

Cis,

I am so sorry about the latest developments in your life. Even though it is poor consolation, you did the right thing in telling your H about your affair. Why was it the right thing? Because despite his flaws as a H and human being, he deserved to know the truth and to choose whether or not to continue being married to you. If the roles had been reversed this would apply as well.


Radical honesty did not filed the divorce papers. It was the lies and deception of your affair coupled with your H's revenge affair and unforgiving nature that got you two to divorce court.

Your marriage, like my first marriage, was terminally ill. You tried your best to heal your marriage but it wasn't enough because your H was never committed to the task to begin with.

You are a good human being and in the future, your H's loss will be another man's gain. I have no doubt about this whatsoever.

TMCM

IF it was his 3rd marriage, one would have to wonder how likely it was that #3 would be successful, given #1 and #2 failing... The odds are pretty against it.

I sure am sorry you had to go through all that, but you did the right thing.

Hi TMCM and Jaye...thanks for reading my sad post. I read your posts in my bed via my tiny tiny screen 2x2 inches and cried and cried.

In therapy today I aslo cried and cried. Sunday we were going to go up to Tahoe to start a Thanksgiving week with my aged parents. I can't risk hurting my parents any more than I have - so I don't think it is a good idea for H to come as planned - don't think he wants to anyway.

I have to put on a happy face for my parents - they worry so much and they have so many of their own issues.

TMCM - your last sentence was very kind and I appreciate it. Thank you for your ongoing support and help. It's so hard to accept that my marriage is terminal...by nature I'm tenacious.

I never wanted to get a divorce. I don't know how to do it. I remain passive - but soon that will need to change.

Oh - things continue to deteriorate....here's a letter I wrote my H in our discussion about if we should spend Thanksgiving together or not - his response was disheartening (as usual) sigh....sometimes life is too hard.
I know you all hate people who are adulterers (me too!)..but I made a terrible mistake and am trying to learn...why can't he forgive me?


Dearest Husband,

Of course I wish we could spend next week together. For weeks, I’ve had many high hopes and happy fantasies of our time together with my family. Nor do I want to discourage you from having a relationship with my parents - I know they love you, and they find great comfort in their relationship with you.

Jon, I have put a lot of emotional energy into the recovery of our marriage. I understand and respect your feelings that you do not trust me, can't make me "happy" and remain skeptical that we can save our marriage. I don’t feel the same, but I cannot continue to invest all of my emotional energy on us when you remain stuck. I’m nearly depleted.

Right now, I don’t want to be your caring “friend”. I have good friends. I want you to be my lover and husband. For months I've held my hopes high and positive (I must have been deluded - since at times I thought we were really improving, we would live together again soon, etc), but now it is time to get out of my place of denial and move into your realm of reality...so

I don’t want to spend the week negotiating this new paradigm with you in the presence of my family.

I don’t want to suffer in front of my family the emotional pain of knowing you cannot forgive me and work towards solving the real issues so we can spend the remaining days of our lives happily together.

Plus I don’t want to risk you getting angry with me, saying ugly things, or punishing me, and I'm afraid you will get into a funk or pout because we don’t have sex.

And I don’t want to see you and know that you are engaging or desire to engage in a single life style - all in front of my family….these are things I simple can’t handle and do not want to hurt my family (more than I have already) by having them witness all of my pain.

I wish I was able to detach from you quickly and with less emotion.....but that's not who I am.....at least I do know that about myself.

I love you



H's response
...so

seems you underestimate your ability to detach from me (how you've forgotten how you enjoyed sex thinking of D; while being with D; etc. with no thought of me )

I'll miss you and Til this Thanksgiving

Love