CY:

I started a new thread, because if others comment, etc.. I don't want your original thread to lose focus...

I would be more than happy to share my thoughts on all of this.

Compared to a year ago, my life is "great".....now not all days are peaches and cream, but the issues I deal with daily are what any of us deals with...life stresses and the like.

I am dating, but I am still very selfish with my life and advertise it that way. I have needs and wants and desires like anyone else <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />, but as of now, have not found someone to share those with. I would by no means be adverse to meeting someone and getting serious, but truthfully man, I am happy now, and don't want to change much about my life. Life is good, and I have made major changes in my life. I sold a second house I had that was more for "apperances" than what I really wanted or needed, I scaled back my "lifestyle" a bit, cancelled a country club memebership (and also $7500.00 yearly fees), and have taken an interest in languages (learning Spanish now, with Italian next) and learning about financial planning. I am the perpetual student and can see myself someday becoming a certified financial planner when I retire from medicine. It is weird to be back in "classes" and doing homework and assignments.....but in a way, it is comforting....it is all I know.....I guess I am just a nerd.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have seen the Ex a number of times, but honestly man, it doesn't affect me that much. I used to get a raging tachycardia when I would see her or hear of her...not anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />. She has made some very damaging decisions with her life and is paying the consequences for that. She helped ruin another family, and to this day still has involvement with the man who she cheated with....it is all good though, I left a nice 8 inch scar for him to remember me by (joke <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />)...I gave her alot financially in the Divorce, but in reality, it was just blood money. I am young, and extremely hard working and disciplined...I can get that money back in a few years, she will probably never get back what she lost.....(one....me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />, two-her self respect and integrity).

I still see my ex-MIL and love that woman like my own mother. Our relationship struggled after the Divorce, but nothing that was unexpected. In the end, my MIL has had to cope with losing a daughter...because her daughter has never been the same woman she was...I was not going to let her lose a son also. My Ex knows that all semblance of any chance at reconciliation is gone and and that I do NOT love her anymore. Once that happens, you learn to let go of the hate and pain.....it doesn't matter anymore......as an aside, what happened to me is what I fear for MANY people here who are counseled by misguided people to stay in "Plan A" and not go to Plan B when they are losing their love for their wayward. When your love dies for your spouse, it is almost like another D-Day....Incidentally, because I feel this way, we can be cordial when forced to see each other.

I still am connected to the OM's EX-wife and family in a way (strictly financial). They got the worst shaft in all of this B$ and if I can still make their live's even 1% better I will do so. In an irrational way, I feel guilty for their pain, as it was MY EX-W who helped do this to them.....for that I know that I can never ever ever truly respect her again. I have forgiven the Ex for what she did to me....I had to...but not for her...for me.

For a very long time, I struggled with many things on this board. One of the hardest things for me to accept was the fact so many people here were capable of "forgivness" or capable of fighting for marriages in situations where the Wayward was much more vile than what I experienced. I wondered if I was just not as good a human being as those who could do "Plan A" despite the many false recoveries and financial destruction and other $hit that happens when a Wayward does what they do.....in time with mostly from the help of this board and it's many fine people, I have become comfortable of what that is all about and how I feel about this.

In reality, I have no regrets. Sometimes I wonder why I even gave her one chance and allowed a second betrayal...but at the time that was what was best for me. Upholding my boundaries, maintaining my self respect and dignity and surviving the fall has been my salvation. I guess that is why I am such a champion on "personal recovery" first. Paradoxically, I consider myself a raging MB success story.....LMAO...now isn't that funny? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am happy today. I live with no regrets. I have been blessed by God to have a career that allows me to do what I love doing....I hold no misconceptions to how lucky I am in that respect. I live a good life and I am financially very well off with the means to do many good things in this life.

It is all perspective for me now. I thought that I got dealt a bad hand last year...but in the grand scope of things, that was chicken $hit. When I stopped feeling sorry for myself and chose to make changes, I started seeing the results. When you belive in the concept of 100% responsibility for your life, YOU CANNOT GO WRONG. I have always had a tough time with control.....you know the type. I am "type A" to me extreme charged up with hard Brew Starbucks...always have been, always will be. But when I started to learn and LIVE the concept that I don't have control over what others do in this life, but I sure as he$$ have control over how I reacted to those actions, it all started to fall into place for me.

I still struggle with some things. I still admiteddly wrongly believe that what was good for me is good for everyone else. I struggle with this, but I am better....when I can't help here, I walk away without a fight or the last word.....it is all in the growth here.

I hope I answered your questions.

Goodluck in whatever you do.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I applaud you for this and for your personal growth. You give ME hope that I can some day stop loving my stbx. I know this was for Cymanca but thanks for sharing.

Lem ~ I don't think real marital recovery is possible without personal recovery. Without personal recover, marital recovery is ... badly flawed.

lem,

Don't stuggle because you gave your XW a chance, we all do here, and it did not pan out.

Am glad you have been good to your xmil/mom, cause she has been good to you.

You are worthy, you deserve the best. It will come to you. You have been wonderful, in spite of all you went thru, and all you witnessed.

Just step back now. Enjoy your relationship with XMIL and know when you find your next loveforlive partner. You are young.

I am not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Glad to know you are doing well. Praying for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Thanks Miss.....

LM

lem,

don't forget, you are WORTHY.

I had a first marriage. My second one panned out, in spite of it all. I am thankful.

Oh, and by the way, I was in plan a for less than 2 months. I went to plan B at that point, did all the STD testing, etc. Once I found out the situation, I was not up for sharing.

I had to, SF was my FWS's first and foremost need. Yikes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> This makes it hard for me to post as the atmosphere here says otherwise.

But you know, you did not know to begin with, so why not try unless your WS is seeking several other people. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Is it okay after you are tested? This is all so confusing to me sometimes. I know I took a terrible risk, and by the grace of God I am okay.

The damage was done before you ever knew it. That's the thing. And I think that is what hurts some of us here the most. Modern days are not beautiful in regards to STD's.

Especially AIDS.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Lemon,

I am so sorry that I didn't see your response to my questions till a few moments ago.

Funny, but until I got that NC letter from my WW, I would have sworn we shared the same timeframe. But to be honest, it has had a much greater effect on me than I ever imagined.Emotions that I thought were gone erupted to the surface to my complete amazement. I don't know if it was because I left only 10 days after my D-Day and my leaving was not predicated on another sexual dalliance by WW but on her broken promise about no further contact with the OM.

The tachycardia was there when I saw her but in all fairness it wasn't the chest bursting 220 bpm that I felt when I would see her drive past months earlier.

I remember your promise re: not dating till the D was final and I felt that to be a very respectful way to honor your loved MIL. I have had no such support but if I had been asked prior to the A, I would have foolishly bet my life that my In-Laws would rush to my defense.

I too have started dating, but except for an old girlfriend I found myself somewhat suspicious of their intentions. My WW always (and I mean always) accused me of carrying a torch for my ex-girlfriend( and every other woman that I ever came in contact with) but it took my WW's A and multiple OM's to reacquaint myself with her. We have become great friends again.

It sounds like you have come a long way in the past year. I hope my boat self corrects and my own personal fog dissapates quickly.

I guess I will just blame it on being an old altarboy with a hypertrophied guilt complex.

Thanks for filling me in and congrats on your life buddy

Lem - gald you are doing so much better now. We all learn and grow at deferent rates. Also do not beat yourself up on what others do lemon - we all have different reasons for doing what we do. I for one have had a very loving, wonderful M until recently -it is worth the work to get back my R. If it fails I can look at myself and smile. I can say I did my best.