Im a first timer who has done a lot of reading on the site. Here is my situation, Im just looking for some advice.

I have been married for only 16 months and in the beginning things were good. For about the past 6 months (maybe more) she hasnt been interested in the physical part of the relationship, and has wanted to do a lot more on her own.

About 8 weeks ago, she starting telling me about a male friend who she works with. And soon after that, i found out that she was going out on innocent "dates" with him, like going to the driving range with him. I could see that she was more and more concerned with emailing him and constantly checking her email. I started to suspect infidelity and i went into her email and i saw that she told him that she loved me but wasnt in love with me.

I confronted her on it, and she said that is how she felt, but she was more mad that i went into her email. Since that time, she has gone out to the movies and dinner with him both in front of my face and behind my back. I believe that she has also seen him many other times and that they have had a physical relationship, but she has denied all of that. She has gone on saturday nights and done this over going out with me and our mutual friends. The whole time she has told me that they are just friends and nothing more...although she has told me that she does have feelings for him.

We both said that we wanted to work on re-igniting the spark between us, which i felt had never left...but i needed her help to rebuild my trust in her. She said she wasnt sure how she could trust me because i went into her email. When we did discuss our issues, she said she knew what she was doing was wrong, that she was hurting me, but that she had to do it anyway because she wanted to see what happened. I told her that meant she needed to stop seeing him, stop emailing him and stop talking to him altogether. I said that i realized that she worked with him, but that she would need to start to look for a new job.

She told me that she would stop seeing him, but she would still email him and still talk to him at work/go out to lunch and not look for a new job. I told her that this wasnt good enough because she is just proving how she doesnt want it to work, and that she is keeping me around as a backup plan (which she had said during some of our conversations).

To make a long story short, I decided that I didnt think i would be able to trust her again, and layering that on top of the fact that she doesnt love me, and wants to have a relationship with someone else I decided for file for D.

At this point, we are both still living in the same house while we are figuring out splitting of assets, etc.

On top of all of this, she is asking me how i could do this to her, and how i can hurt her so much. And how i could just throw away all the time and memeories we have together. I tell her that she is hurting me just as much but she just thinks that Im trying to hurt her. I told her how i still love her and probably always will, but the pain that she has caused is just so great, i dont know how we get past it unless she focuses solely on us. That when i was trying to deal with the problem, she was more interested in going out with this guy. I am just looking to find out what is the best way to deal with all of this?

I know that im going to the stages of grief, and there are times where i still love her, times where i hate her, times when im mad at her, and all of the above. How do i deal with this everyday?

Thanks y'all for your help.

Have you read "Surviving An Affair" ? It was written by the creators of this website and offers invaluable advice and insight. I'm also wondering if you and your wife had a common goal of working together on the marriage that might help both of you focus. Perhaps if you got the "Emotional Needs Questionnaire" from here , and both took it and then evaluated each others' answers together to understand what your spouse's needs are, that might help too. Have you seen a counselor?

As long as you are both in the same house, there is hope for your marriage. It becomes more difficult when one person moves out. The mixture of emotions you are feeling are quite normal - we've all been there!

I will read "Surviving An Affair" today, and hopefully that will help me out. I cannot speak for her, but i really wanted to make this work...When i brought up the emotional questionairre, she wasnt interested. And when i brought up a counselor, she wasnt interested until i told her that i filed and at that time she asked me about the counselor but then said it was too late since I have filed and in her opinion my mind is made up.

I honestly wish that one of us would leave the house, because i think that it would be easier to grieve if the other person isnt here, and the mixture of emotions wasnt continually flowing.

I just dont understand how she can keep asking me how i can do this to her. Its like her mind is blocking out that she had an affair.

It is NEVER too late to see a counselor, and if she is holding to that myth, maybe you should make an appointment for both of you to prove it to her. If she doesn't go, then see the counselor by yourself. It sounds like she's in denial.

I have still told her that i am open to the idea...i have seen a therapist indivudally and so has she.

I agree that she is in denial, its like she needs a swift kick to show her everything that has happened. Anyone that i have talked to has asked how she could do this and think that it is ok, and that im too good for her. She has betrayed me and lied to me and continues every day to do so...what is there to save?

[color:"blue"] James,

You may want to check out the Just Found Out board or the General Questions II board. A lot of folks there who have experience with affairs. You wife is in what they call the affair fog. She will behave in very irrational ways and act like her actions are totally innocent because she is invested in this second relationship and will not want to give it up.

V. [/color]

That is exactly how she has been acting for the past month...some times it is like nothing is going on, and sometimes she wants me to be as far away from her as possible.

How do you get someone out of the "affair fog?" I tried everything i could think of, so i thought that when she recieved the divorce complaint, that would maybe wake her up. And if not (which it didnt seem like), then it is a relationship i need to get out of anyway.

The thing is that she said she still feels nothing for me, but expected we would get through this because that is what marriage is about. While I agree, how do i get through it with her when she would rather be with and spend time with someone else.

BTW, thanks to those who are posting back. You are already helping more than you know.

[color:"blue"]Well here at marriagebuilders we preach Plan A Plan B. Plan A is to figure out her emotional needs and then to improve yourself so that you meet her needs. You want to show her what a magnificent spouse and partner you are by completely meeting any need she will let you meet.

Call the Harleys and arrange for marriage coaching. They will help you get her to reconsider the marriage if there is anything left to resurrect.

Plan B is no contact. A letter is given to the spouse which essentially says that you want to have nothing to do with her anymore because the affair is hurting you badly while you are witness to it. In order to preserve your remaining feelings to her you have to remove yourself from the situation. You do Plan B if you do not see improvement after 6 months in your wife's feelings toward you.

Plan B forces the spouse to choose. The spouse will remember how well you met their needs the last six months and compare you to the affair partner who may not be able to meet thier needs as well. You have no contact with the spouse until they sign a contract promising to never see the affair partner again and to work on the marriage together for at least six month cooperatively.

V. [/color]

I understand that, but in order for me to figure out her emotional needs, doesnt she need to figure them out as well? I feel like anytime we try to figure out what it is that we need from each other, I always get the same answer of "I dont know." I cant extract anything useful from that.

As a follow up to all of my issues, how do I got about living in the same house as her since both of us are too mule-headed to move out until the house is sold? All ideas would be greatly appreciated.

I feel like im struggling, but she is leveraging off of her new guy so she doesnt seem to be in too much pain.

[color:"blue"]Women generally need affection and conversation. You can start there.

Without talking divorce, affair, or other painful issues, make conversation with her. If you don't know how to make casual conversation, buy a book.

Affection is to be given with no expectation of sex in return - hard for a guy because most men get affection and sex muddled. Harley has a list: [/color]



[color:"blue"]V. [/color]