I guess it was too long so I've edited and omitted much of what I thought was important...

With 3 children and 12 years together, a month ago my W had an A (or fling). I am so confused by the truth of this whereas I don’t know what to believe. But it’s the nature and the history that confuses me. Here are the details and what I am told thus far.

My wife has always had depression issues, anger, the need to please everyone and the inability to say “no” to who she should have. Very insecure but most of all she had a hard time showing affection. She had a rough childhood that she has regressed. She is a very shy girl and a very prim and proper women but I always knew she had her way to bottle everything up and blow up at times based upon her powerless character with everyone.

My wife and I have gone through our problems over the years. I have always worked so hard through the guilt of not providing and to try and build the life she “thought she wanted”. But when I would give what she thought she wanted she always found something else to be depressed about. It got to the point that she tried to commit suicide and ended up in a psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks 5 years ago. She has always had a problem confronting her mistakes and always lied when I suspected something, became agitated, argued then ends up telling me something little by little. I always had a problem trusting her due to her inability to tell the truth when she made a mistake. She has never come forward with anything unless she was caught so I have always though she had other secrets. I don’t think she ever had an A before this time.

2 years ago I started a GPS company. Very stressful and much of my time (all of it) to this company. I tried to tell her I wanted out because of how distant we became and because I could see her falling apart again due to my hours but she said it was our only way to get what we wanted. A year ago I started to notice that she was pushing me away and became very depressed. I kept trying to talk and tried to get her to express her feelings but she kept pushing me away. The pushing brought me into depression whereas I was scared to approach her.

This fling happened while I was out of town. She woke up and had the plan to pursue such an A with a previous co-worker. She met for a beer and she admitted that he kept telling her stop but she kept persisting. The next day, while at my mothers, she ended up leaving the kids without saying anything where I got in touch with her finally after 4 hours and she was threatening suicide again.

I met her and the police and took her to the hospital where she confessed to the A. I don’t believe she would have told me except for the fact that she found out the day before that I had a GPS device in the car and could find out where she went. She is now under psychiatric evaluation again and has been for a month and at least another 2 months. The doctors all told me that she was not in control due to a chemical imbalance and she didn’t know what she was doing and had major psychiatric issues to deal with whereas one of them is that she felt powerless of her life. The docs felt that she did not want to do what she did in the end. One doctor even said that her ending her depression pills a few weeks prior made her hit rock bottom and that starting her on other medication for bronchitis cause the reverse effect of depression while she was still in depression. The fact that how she handled it, what she did with him (A very PA then I've ever seen her as physically with me) does tell me it was not her. Again, she is prim and proper but man what she did…yuck!

While I would like to believe what the docs are telling me, I have a hard time to accept it. I’ve read on this message board that the WS will do crazy stuff after the A but this is way too much. Should I believe in part of this? With the lies, her inability to show affection, the deceit every few years (especially since they get worse every time), etc. Part of me doesn’t want to continue this relationship as I have been hurt too many times regardless of how small it was. But another side of me tells me to stick with the sweet innocent girl that I fell in love with and hope she will get better.

Any comments? Thoughts? Advice?

Worthit,

Hang in there. Sounda like she is having a really hard time. Not that you aren't having one as well. She really needs your support and love right now. Is it possible that you can get her to fill out the EN questionaire? This will help you to make sure you are meeting her top 5 emtional needs. You will have a lot of work ahead of you this is true. But, if you really love her and want to make this M work it will all be worth it. Read as much as you can on this site and I also think you and her should check in to some IC and MC. Maybe even phone C with Steve Harley. It will take time. Sounds like she has a lot of things going on and she needs to find out how to over come these issues. Good luck to you! Keep us posted SW

How old are your kids?

What is her exact psychiatric diagnosis, and has the doctor recommended any good books or strategies to YOU about living with it?

It is always difficult to separate the affects of mental health issues from affairs for me... my H definitely presented at first that he was leaving me over depression/marriage issues, and it turned out to be an A. I attributed all his uncharacteristic behavior to the AD's, but then talked to people whose H's did the exact same things and weren't on AD's. The common denominator I found out? They WERE having A's at the time.

You do need to determine if you want to save the marriage. If you don't want to, you have that right and most who have been through the pain of mental illness and/or infidelity would understand. If you do, you have to get prepared to fight like he[l.

Keep posting, these boards move slowly, don't take it personally, just post on GQII and bump the thread if it gets overlooked.

MSA

Thank you so much for your responses and support Soldiers Wife. It took a while to respond as my W had a weekend pass to come home. What a mess!

I agree she needs my help and support but the problem is (selfish me) I need to see support from her for me to try. The issue is this, I have, in my childhood, not received much TLC from my parents because my brother had many medical issues when he was young. He’s even spent a 3 year stretch in the hospital for major surgery and spent much of his childhood in a body cast. Needless to say my family (aunts, uncles, parents, etc.) and I have never regained a good relationship. In lieu of this, I became a very passionate person where I strive on showing affection to my children and my W and need the affection back. But over the last year I have been pushed away from my W and we became very distant due to the pushing along with our work schedules. Her unwilling to fight for us, show her affection and her pushing drove me to be someone else not willing to fight for what I want or willing to beg what was bothering her. She now sees it as though I didn’t try but the truth is I tried but couldn’t beg anymore as she was so used to me begging. I became afraid to approach her. It’s almost like she ended our ENs between each other. he affection I see now seems fake especially when she can turn on me so quickly in emotions and become completely heartless. Slowly over the past year the passion in me has been dissipating but in the end it was finally ripped out of me with one blow. I am afraid because I know the kids are suffering whereas every day I try and find the passion for the kids but can’t seam to get it without the support from her.

This weekend was a mess. We pretty much fought, made up, over and over. The things that came out of her mouth disgusts me. Absolutely brutal. Why is she so angry at me and why is she out to play guilt and say the hurtful things she does? It’s almost like I should have had the affair but I would never hurt her that way.

She has been on her own destructive path for whatever reason and I can’t show the support with what she is saying or doing to me. After all, she admits she was wrong but yet she is not showing it in any way that I find to be productive rather only with vindictiveness and hate. I need her to support me based on what has happened and need her to show me she loves me in order for me to feel comfortable enough to support her. Not to say we don’t have our supporting moments because we do. But those supporting moments seem small compared to what she says out of anger.

My worst fear is what the outcome will do to our children and what they will see. So far they’ve only lost the TLC they need but I fear its coming because it seams to be getting worse between my W and I.

We did have our private and first MC Sessions together and was told that we must first both seek our private counseling prior to continuing MC.

Our first daughter is 11, our son is 5 and our second daughter is 2.

The doctors have not spoken to me much since the beginning (doesn’t seem like they want to or can). I’ve found out that much of her issues begin from childhood. They did tell me she is passive/aggressive (whatever that means). They’ve also indicated that the A was more of a self power struggle (again, whatever). They haven’t addressed any books or strategies but I will ask.

The thing is my W can be a very passionate person and can also be a very good hearted person. Unfortunately the ugliness in her (that the doctors say is not her true “identity”) currently outweighs the good person that I fell in love with. Just to give you an idea of what happened because some of this seams circumstantial rather that something that been there for a while. The attempt of the A started one morning where she had a plan to pursue it. She pushed this guy really hard as he persisted for her to think about it and her family. Then, in the middle of the night, she drove back and it happened. It only lasted 2 days, 3 times and it ended the third time a couple hours prior to her attempting suicide. It does all seam to indicate a melt down in character but it’s not just the A that is bothering me. It’s all that has happened over the last year and some of what has happened over our whole M. She always had a way to be untruthful and every couple of years she was deceitful, depressed and angry but only to me and her mother as she put on a happy face for every one else. I am also bothered by what is going on right now. She should be more sympathetic and supportive as I am trying to regain the love she ripped out of me.

I am confused because I want to continue our m but I have to see her fight like he[l before I can. Sometimes she does fight like he[l but then she can be brutal and her words are devastating. This is where I become negative and want to end my pain by ending our M.

HI!

Its sounds like your WW is Bipolar.. i urge you to read
up on it.. becuse you could have described my mom...

its tru what the doctors are saying about her not being her self..

The doctors and physiologists have ruled out bi-polar. They say she is either suffering from or is Passive/aggressive (Have no clue exactly what this means), low self esteem, acute depression, obsessive compulsive, anxiety disorder and some social anxiety issues. These things have all come up in the past. I knew she was heading in the wrong path months prior to this and that’s why I begged and set up appointments for her to get her issues resolved. Little to late I guess. But I have many thoughts that make me disbelieve that she wasn’t in control regardless of what she was going through as I too was experiencing many of the same issues but was in control with knowing what not to do.

She is on a pile of meds now including anti-psychotics, anti-depression (she was on anti-depressants but stopped them a few weeks prior to the A). But I fear for the future because I can recall 3 separate times she has been almost as bad as this time. This is really hard for me because if you only knew her, she is a beautiful girl with a nice character everyone can’t believe her swing of character because she has always been known as a shy, respectable and prim and proper woman. But this nasty side haunts me and has haunted me in the past knowingly that she could really blow up one day and hurt in the worst possible way. What could she do next?

Again, she had a weekend pass. She will probably be discharged next week and has to undergo an 18 week psychiatric day program. Our weekend has been up an down but very controlled in temper. We’ve discussed the A and have done the EN Q&A. She quickly realized that she failed miserably over the last year whereas I was, for the most part, providing what she needed. But now, I have to deal with my own insecurities based upon the A along with what happened prior to the A. I have been throwing up pretty much every day or so when things pop up in my head (not necessarily the details of the A but the fact that it happened along with my insecurities and other issues bring this gut wrenched feeling on). I can’t work still and my company partners are about to get impatient. I am the technical advisor and primary developer and am a single point failure of the company technically. I’ve even turned down a million dollar deal last week because I would have to travel and I cannot trust my WW at this point nor can I leave my family until I feel better…maybe I should let the company go even though we are on the brink of success with the advent of our latest product release (which was the week my W had the A). All I asked was for her to hold it together until after that week (Pretty sad…Had she only waited a few days).