I saw you comment on the other thread and thought it best if i responded on seperate one.

First off, BIG HUGS! this is a seriously crappy situation to be in but you are in the right place to deal with it.

One thing that literally leaps out to me from your comments is that you say that he doesnt feel he can end the affair because of the baby. That is ridiculous! he is sleeping with her for the babys sake? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
if so, you know that is just BS. He is a serious cakeman (having his cake and eating it too).

i am hoping that you have mistyped and actually mean that he is continuing contact with her (on a platonic basis) during the pregancy. THat is bad enough. If that is the case, it is ok for you to tell him you need him to stop. it is not appropriate either legally, morally or in terms of the recovery of your marriage. you dont have to feel guilty about that.

my husband did exactly the same thing, rushed around after the ow while she was pregnant, he even attended the birth. The effect that had on me has been probably the biggest stumbling block to our recovery. i wouldnt like to see anyone go down the same path.

No matter what he says, if he is serious about reconciling with you then he needs to have absolutely no contact with the ow. she needs to understnad that she will be doing the pregancy on her own. you two need to use this time to heal your relationship. having her hanging around your neck while you do that is not going to work. Once the baby is born you and he can apply for a paternity test and sort out visitation legally. THere is no need for him to continue contact with her. If he is the babys father he is going to have legal rights to the child which the ow cannot deny. Trying to keep her happy by pandering to her now will only send her the wrong message and keep her sending you texts etc. You guys need to set some boundries and she needs to learn what they are.

In terms of healing your relationship there is no right or wrong thing to say or do as such. only you know what is right for you and your situation. i would recommend that you have a really good look around this site. read up on plan a and plan b (that contact with the ow is really concerning me), emotional needs etc. there is loads of really useful tools available to help you and your h find your feet again.

another thing that you might like to consider is the legal position, patricularily Child Support. i would really recommend that you talk to a lawyer and see what rights and responsibilities your h has in relation to this child and what your options are. i honestly 100% beleive that the best way to handle these situations is via the courts.

must fly now (gotta go to work!). there are lots of people here who will be able to help you along the path which ever way it takes you.

lots of love and again BIG HUGS

Carolyn

Hi Carolyn!
Thank you so much for your concern and advice.

Regarding the contact, its not physical contact - what i mean is that i'm not sure if he is still communicating with the OW thru messages or phone call - although he swears he dont since he came back - some part of my common sense tells me he still is - or maybe its becoz my trust was already broken.

You're right regarding the child support - i already talked with him re this.

I would also like to ask your opinion re this: He says if the OP calls me at work to ask if he is already back i should never admit it. He says he is doing this to protect us from harrassment or any bad thing the OW might plan for us. Regarding the messages he said I should not reply just ignore her messages. Is he right about this or is he fooling me again on this?

Sometimes i'm thinking of calling the OP's family to inform them - just in case they dont know yet that my H is already married and to tell them to advise the OP make up her mind but i'm not sure of the consequences of this. My H wants me to totally ignore the OP and if i did contact them will this be LBs that will make my H hate me more than love me.
Am i being fooled again in this aspect? sometimes i want to call the OP to tell her not to wait anymore for my H coz he's back with his real family but i don't know if this will make sense at all. See I'm really am confused (lost almost 20 pounds already)

I've already read about Plan A and Plan B. since I discover the affair 3 months ago does that mean we still have until Feb next year to figure out if our relationship will still work or not (i'm praying and doing my best - i think he is too - to make this work)

I really want to wake up from this nightmare. I wish i could have the same courage you as you have when you were going through this.

Am anticipating your reply. Thank you again.

Denise,

What you said really worries me. I know you are clinging to your marriage at the moment and are afraid to rock the boat (which is completely understandable) but really, this plan of his (and i am giving him the benefit of the doubt here, that he is not contuining the affair and spinning you a line) is beyond the pale.

She needs to be told that the affair is over. He needs to end it now and he needs to stop making you his accomplaice in perpetuating the lie. If he is afraid of harrassment from her, that is what restraining orders are for. What can she do really? deny him access to the child? the courts might have something to say about that. Gouge him for child support? child support is set by statutory guidelines. she can ask for a million dollars if she wants to, doesnt mean she is going to get it. She will get what the state says the child is entitled to and not a penny more or less. If he has some grand delusion that if he keeps her sweet she wont file for child support ask him how that is going to work, being forever a slave to her mood for fear of her filing. and eventually she will. they all do.

If i was you i would have a very serious talk with him and would tell him that there has been enough lies already and you wont help him continue this one. If she asks you, tell her you are reconciling. Yours is not the illegitimate relationship and you shouldnt have to hide it.

As for exposing the affair to her family and friends, MB strongly favour exposure as a means of hastening the end of the affair. The fantasyland of the affair tends to wither when the cold light of public scrutiny is focussed upon it. the condemnation and disapproval of close associaties can help i think to disappate the foggy thinking that led to the affair in the first place. Perhaps i am overestimating the amount that people care about infidelity these days but i do think there is still a social stigma attached to the cheaters and i dont think having that stigma attached to you would be a pleasent experience.

so yes, if i was you i would be sorley tempted to let her family and friends know exactly what she and your h had been up to. yes it probably will make him angry but it is not lovebusting.

lovebusting is not meeting your partners stated emotional needs. making disrespectful or judgemental comments or actions. bursting the bubble of his and her little fantasy world is not lovebusting.

I think the best thing that you two can try and do right now is to come to a "policy of joint agreement" where the two of you enthusiastically agree to a plan of action. and i mean enthusiastically. Neither of you should play the martyr and sacrifice your needs for the sake of the other. All that does is build resentment which will ruin any chance of a true recovery. sit down together and each put your cards on the table.

Finally, in regards to the no contact thing you have as much time as you want to decide if you want to stick the marriage out. The advatnage of going no contact until the baby is born is that it gives everyone a breathing space. This situation can be a bit like a pressure cooker. You guys can really benefit from some time to focus soley on you and your relationship before you have to start considering what you want to do about the OC.

i will leave it there. i seem to have written an essay. I know all of this stuff look great on paper and i also know just how hard it is to actually do. You've come this far though and you are way stronger than you ever thought you could be. You can survive this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

big hugs

Carolyn

Denise, I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.


I think I know why Carolyn is concerned ... and I am too ...
When I found about A, H told me he was not going to leave us but he was not going to leave OW either ... in the midst of dealing with my own pain, I could not understand why he could not end A with OW ... two weeks later, no changes from him, I was going crazy ... I asked him to leave and he did, no explanations, no 'let's go through this together' ...
6 months later and divorced, he told me that the reason why he left was that OW was pregnant, OC was 5 weeks old when he told me. He said he thought it was his responsibility to be with her during her pregnancy ... never mind that he left me and our marriage when our own D was only 4 months old.

Being sometime as much as a conflict avoider as xH is ... this makes the situation/A to last longer that it should ... maybe we hope for magical changes ... maybe we hope that one day we are going to wake up and it was just a horrible nightmare ... but the truth is far away from this ...
We let them (WS) deal with this on their own ... this does not work either ... if they could deal with this on their own, we might not be in place we are right now...

Let me see if I can make more sense of this ...
Have I known that OW was pregnant when I found about A, I truly don't know what my reaction would have been at that moment ... I've learned not to think and obsessed about the 'what ifs' ...

I know he cares for OC ... IMHO, has he gone NC ... I would have been disappointed in him for abandoning his kid ... and just thinking that he would do the same to our D. But ... it is not OC that we have to deal with ... it is with OW and their dramas, in most cases ... and the lies that both WS and OW say and believe ...

No matter how much your H says he is not going to end A because pregnancy/OC ... the truth is that they get in this mode in which they do not want to hurt OW ... they take all responsibility for A (to OW and to us) saying it was me, it was not you (OW or BS) ... OW feels relieve about WS taking all the responsibility and they feel that they don't have responsibilities or wrong doings about A and they have the same or more rights than the BS ... WS turn into the biggest cakemen ever with the BS permissions ...because we do believe that nothing is happening between them and that C is only for OC sakes ...
at that moment we are as blind as much in the fog as WS is ...

OW is just going to ignore your existence because WS is probably telling her the same lies that they tell us ...
After OC is born, if you continue in this situation ... he will continue C with OW (nothing done legally because he does not want to upset her). If he ever mentions anything about setting CS or visitation, OW will freak out and will make them feel guilty about everything ... so they will keep quiet ... and keep us quiet because OW should not be upset ... 'she already said she's not going to let me see OC if asked for visitation ...'

exactly!!!!
They don't want to hurt anyone else ... but trying to make the both of us happy is sending the wrong message to OW ...and hurting us more

When I think about xH's A ... I divided it in three parts ...
(1) before I knew about the A (period of a little more than one year) ... cake eating
(2) A while he was living with OW (6 months) still cake eating and
(3) A while he was not living with either one of us but still cake eating big time ... (Aug 04 - Aug 05)

Part 3 get me to your comment:



Sorry ... cake eating ... xH and I started dating in January ... he said exactly that ... he is trying to protect me from her harassment or anything else ... these lead him to restart physical contact with her ... just to keep her quiet he said ...
Hiding your current situation to OW is a mistake that will transform later into more cake-eating ...
I don't want to sound bitter or hopeless but I've been there too ... read my story if you have a chance ...

Letting them to deal with this situation on their own, it's setting us for false recoveries ... and going through several DDays ...

you found this site ... please make good use of it and what these ladies have to tell you ... we've been there ... and we can see things as outsiders that you may not see or don't want to see, or truly believe are not there ...
because you believe this time is going to work ... Because the WS themselves truly believe they are strong enough and it would not happen again ... because they truly think they can deal with this situation on their own for our protection ...
but it's not going to happen that way ...
but we also understand as Carolyn says - it's easier said than done ... we don't like to see the same things that happened to us to happen to anyone else .... but they will, and we'll be there to support you ... and no one is going to tell you I told you so ... or you should have done this or that ...
You are the only one that knows how much you can deal with and what is good or not for you at the moment ...

what to do? read ... read .... read. ... read as much of our stories as you can ... you will identify with some of them ... follow them through and learn from our mistakes ...


I wish I've done that ...In my case OW's parents/family did not know that WS was married and with a DD during this whole thing until Aug last year when he came back for one week and they could not understand what was going on ... Let them know if you want but do not expect support from them either ...


Read here about what is LB and what is not ... I'm sorry but if he tells you this is a LB if you do that ... it is because he has not being completely honest with you, and/or with OW and her family about his own situation ...

exactly!


Neither you or H need C with OW now while she is pregnant ... C with OW is just continue with the A with your knowledge!

hope this helps <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Denise,

I don't usually post over here but I do read a lot.I felt compelled to reiterate a couple of things:

1)
This troubles me too.It sounds very much like he doesn't want the OW to know yet, if ever,that he has loosely made a decision on staying with you so he isn't burning either bridge.If he is at all being honest about staying with you for good now,he will still be in withdrawal and it will be very hard for him to end contact and he may just be using the OC as an excuse to keep it up.

As the other's have mentioned,it is not necessary at all to talk to this OW until post birth and a DNA test is done and then the legal route can be taken.Your WH is not going to be able to have dual lives and will need to make a decision once and for all one day or he will risk losing you and the kids and even a D.You also have to ask yourself how much do you want to be involved with this OC if your WH does want to be a part of his/her life(assuming it's his).

2) Drafting a NC letter and sending it will give this OW the message that he is home with you and your marriage and his family take priority but if he refuses to send one,that to me is a major red flag he is not being honest about staying with you.

Good luck to you~

O

Mily, Octobergirl and Carolyn

Thank you guys! I just read your post. I'm shaking... I dont know what to reply yet... I thought I'm through crying ang shaking but I'm not.

I'll reply later... just need to read, think for a while and digest what you guys just said to me...

{{{{{{{{{Denise}}}}}}}}}

{{Denise}},

It's going to be ok and you know why? Because you have YOU.

Change can be very scary.I didn't have an OC to think about but I did have to face the adultery of my WH and I did have to face a HUGE fear of mine: being on my own without my WH.I loved him so much and we had been together since we were teens,best friends,the whole nine yards.But you know what? I came to realize,I loved myself more .Yes,I did and that meant,I was not going to accept what crumbs and painful acts my WH(or anyone) was inflicting upon me.Every woman has to make this kind of decision when faced with Infidelity and also OW/OC.

I am by no means saying you should leave your WH.That is an entirely personal decision for you to make.However,I do want you to know,that there are many women out there who did make that change and are living very healthy and fulfilled lives without these men.As Dr.Phil says,"I would rather be healthy and alone than sick and with someone".You are not trapped and there are options and with that in mind,perhaps it will make things a bit easier than if you had no choice at all.

Take your time and think over what YOU want ok?

Hang in there!

O

Its been quite a while since my last post. I've been quite busy at work and especially at home - I would like to believe we are on the road to recovery.

I'm hoping for the best - though I'm scared at times on what lies ahead (OW is 5 months preggy by this time but i dont want to think about her as of this time).

My WH swears he is not doing anything to hurt me again. We are doing our best to pick up the broken pieces again, to rebuild our lives, though its really not that easy.

I thank God for He is great and for His faithfullness!

To Milly: I've read about your update - Congratulations!

To Carolyn: I've also read about the responses you've given to all the new ones here, (i remember how sad i was 4 months ago) thanks to you - you're really an inspiration to all of us.

To Octobergirl - how are you doing

Happy holidays to all!


Denise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey denise!
good to hear from you. I am glad to hear things are going ok. your right, it is not that easy but it does get easier.

Happy New year to you. i hope it is a great one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

big hugs

Carolyn

hi carolyn!

christmas and new year were fine. My second child turned one year old last month and i thank God that our family is complete. 2005 had been a terrible year. I still dont know what lies ahead considering that the OC is due by April but as of this time we are focused on how we can fix our marriage and our family.

We had series of talks during the holidays and we agreed to leave 2005 behind. He said they broke-up the very last time they talked and the OW is very angry with him for abandoning her. He also said that he is trying his best to forget her and he wanted to make-up for all the hurts he'd done to me and the children. As of now i think he is sincere. We are following the no contact policy which you guys suggested and we changed our phone number.

Life is not easy,sometimes even phone rings makes me tremble. I'm trying to be brave by facing one day at a time.

Hi Denise,

Glad you xmas and new year were good and that your little one had a good birthday.

I am REALLY glad to hear that your H sorted himself out with the OW and told her the truth. She is undoubtably angry at him but at least now all parties can deal with the situation in reality and go from there.

The run up to the birth is hard and the birth the hardest of all (i think). I hope that now that your h is dedicating himself to rebuilding with you, he will be able to help you through those times. And dont forget, you always have this board. We have all been there.

One day at time is the only way to do it. Sometimes one minute at a time.

Big hugs to you!

Carolyn

To all: Is it normal for BS to feel the blues/be paranoid on occasions like valentines day?

completely normal.

i think it would be abnormal NOT too.

Feel free to vent here if it helps.

hugs

Carolyn

I've been thinking a lot lately and i guess i'm on the anger stage now.

I hate the OW for inflicting so much pain in my life and for stealing a wonderful father to my kids. Why hadnt she chosen somebody free? Why my H, why my family, why me?

I hate the acts my H has chosen last year which lead us into all of this, though I'm thankful that he is now here and is into rebuilding our family, I cant help but wish that somehow he had never chosen the rough road that leads us into this mess.

I hate the damage they have done to a too trusting wife (though not perfect) who never thought of thinking or wishing ill thoughts to any one. They changed me to somebody I cant recognize anymore - bitter, crying lady, lonely and cynical now. I miss the cheerful Denise, the old me, the simple and contented me.

I hate to remember that last year I was cheated upon by the very last person whom i thought would do such a thing - the very person i married and loved so much. I still remember the lies, the cries, the sleepless nights, the pain. I want to forget everything but the months and days just reminds me how it was like last year.

I really feel blue this past days, even now. Though H is trying his best to show me how sorry and changed man he is now, a part of me still dont trust him - i guess the wound is still that fresh...

Do bear with my thoughts, my feelings, I'm just venting...

denise,

the why me's are hard but you wont find any joy in them. the fact is there is no reason to this. it is like a twister taking out one house and leaving the rest of the neighbourhood untouched. it is not a punishment, it is not a lesson, it just is.

the old denise will eventually reemrge but she will be stronger, wiser and more seasoned. she will understand herself and others much better. the sadness doesnt last forever i promise. you will find happiness again.

keeping venting and posting. it is good to get it out in a non harmful way like this.

lots of love

carolyn

I got about through 5 posts.. Listen kiddo, 1st pray for strength. Then lay it out. Some time has gone by since your post, so I hope you have done this already. When my WS told me that he that she was having an affair, wanted an divorce and was preggo, I LISTENED first and then said that I would forgive her, and raise OUR child with LOVE. She was not expecting this, she figured I would go nuts, maybe even hit her (I never have) and justify her fooling around. She was confused. I DID HOWEVER SAY THAT I WAS NOT WILLING TO LIVE IN LIMBO, EITHER SHE WOULD BE WITH ME, OR NOT (Left OM out of it) Hours later my wife asked me to Marry her. [God had alot to do with this].

You have to have self respect. If you are OK with your WH seeing this OW, you might as well move to Utah, and all three of you live together. If polygamy is not your style than you have to lay it on the line and not be a floor mat.

Ultimatums aside, you clearly need a huge dose of self respect. Your WH won't respect you if you don't. after al how can you command respect if you don't care about yourself. I have learned that the language women respond to is "love". But the language men respond to is RESPECT. Start working out in the gym, or take a karate course for fun, maybe a mountain bike. Respect your body (This will feel good to you, and your H will notice). A magic love builder is for yout to identify some things that you respect in your husband (I know it is difficult now after his awful behavior) but find something to honor. Then at dinner or during the game, push mute and tell him:
"You know... Iv'e been thinking, and I have thougt of 8 reasons that I truly RESPECT you..... I needed to tell you this.. Oh, I'm sorry, you were watching the game, turn it back on and walk away. He will leave the game and ask you what you mean.

God did not make garbage when he made you. Ask him to help you and listen to that still quiet voice.

Bluejayed

Thanks for understanding how I'm feeling. I was kind of feeling really low the last time i posted but now i'm feeling okay. The sad experience has thought me a lot of lessons along the way and yes I now know i'm much stronger than I thought i am.

Life really has to go on despite what happened. Right now, we are in the process of "rebuilding our lives after the tornado".

FWH promised to stay with me and the children cause he said he loves us,we are his family and the "detour" has thought him lots of hard lessons he would not like to go through again.

Clinging on to God held me up during the storm. I've survived it last year I know we'll survive this year.

Still we have no news from the OW but the OC is due next month. (deep inhale) I'm reminding myself not to worry about it for now.. I'll just keep you posted every now and then. Regards.

denise

"I DID HOWEVER SAY THAT I WAS NOT WILLING TO
LIVE IN LIMBO, EITHER SHE WOULD BE WITH ME, OR NOT"

That is exactly what I've told FWH when we had a series of talks the second time he came back. I was really hurt that time so I made it a point that he realize I was about to let him go... and that is when he decided to stay...

"Ultimatums aside, you clearly need a huge dose
of self respect. Your WH won't respect you if
you don't. after al how can you command
respect if you don't care about yourself."

Based on my experience, it had always been "them first and me after." Two young kids, a job and a household to manage concerned me a lot that i somehow forgot Denise along the way. But then the experience has taught me to give time for myself now of course without sacrificing my work and my family. I'm okay now, prayers really work, thanks a lot.
------
Just want to add that I admire the courage you have for still accept your wife plus the unborn child. You must have love her so much...I wish your wife realizes how lucky she is and also the kiddo having you.

Denise

Hello everyone!

I'm here all along, reading posts (old and new) whenever I'm free and since its almost a year since dday I thought I owe it to everyone an update of my story.
_________________

True to his words H stayed with me and the kids to rebuild our life after the tornado. He was with me and the kids each night and day since he came back end of October.

The road was not easy, we are struggling, both financially and emotionally but then we are trying and doing our best, mostly by faith (with a great help from God for the courage to carry on each day).

Financially because payables piled up last year due to closure of our business, we have to make both ends met. We project to wipe out all payables this year and hopefully be ok financially before the year ends.

Emotionally because he was in fog then and I'm deeply hurt by what has happened.

We have no contact with anyone from his province so we really don't have any news about the OW and the OC (if there is any). If the OW had given birth by April then I'm already a step mom for almost 3 months now.

No contact/news from the OW since December last year has greatly helped me personally. No contact means less worry/stress on my part and on my H as well. It helped us deal with our family's condition, the kids, with our personal differences, without intervention and worries from the OW.

If there really is an OC (80% probability that there really is) we decided we will deal with that problem later. We have to fix our family first.

I still have tensions, cold hands, head aches every now and then, I have hyperacidity and stomach and back aches - the doctor says its due to stress. I think its normal coz dday was August last year. But then I'm stronger now, more matured and perhaps wiser than I thought I was a year ago. I see life now on a clearer perspective. If H will cheat again in the future, it's up to him, I am whole and I have a life of my own and kids to take care of. Life for us will go on.

I thank God I found MB and you guys, I found an anchor to lean on the storm I've been through.

I'm praying for the newbies! Bye for now every one.

Denise

"There really is light at the end of the tunnel but you must pass through the tunnel to see the light."