When do the lies end? It's been five weeks sence d-day. I finally confronted my wife and found out that she has been having a PA with a coworker, one of her supervisors, for 1 1/2 years. Durning the confrontation, I agreed to not expose the A to his wife or employer, and she agreed not to see him again. I did tell his wife the second week after d-day. She has seen him sence and told him that she would respect his wishes if wanted to stay with his wife.

My wife says that she loves me more than she did six months ago, but does not have the love that we use to have; she admits that she loves OM deeply.

In the past she has lied to me many times and it has always involved lies about OM. Just last night I found out that she told me several more lies, all involving OM, even though she previously agreed to always tell the truth. When do the lies end? How long should I put up with lies?

She will probably continue to lie until she withdraws frm the affair. And she will not withdraw until she stops seeing him. And that means seeing each other at work. I take it they still work together?

My WS lied to me for 3 years even after the A.
She must write NC letter if she is serois about marriage to you. Tell her now that you have lied its also a BIG trust issue. She must rebuild trust, only she can do that.
Hang in there. My wife is not lying to me now...things can get better.

No they do not work togather any longer. I asked her to transfer to another location. She transfered to another location, but it was very difficult and painful for her to carry out.

She does still want to see him and talk with him. She told me today that the "no contact" was my thoughts and certainly not hers. She thinks that she should be able to still talk to him and work wiith him; she just transfered for me. Is it ok for her to continue to talk with him? How can I convince her that this is not unreasonable for me to feel this way?

Certainly not, if that's the way she feels about him.



Does she visit this and the "Recovery" forums?

I was told to set my boundries and had a hard time with that. I set WH down and told him that I would not continue this M with another woman involved. As WH put it they were only friends -yeah sure. I knew each time he saw her after D-Day as his behavior towards me changed to an alien. I now have learned to have a plan. There has been no contact for the last 5 wks so far. If it does happen again I will know I have my plan B letter in my back pocket. We shall have to do a Plan B of sorts as I have no where else to live until house is sold. However I have a spare bedroom and will move in there. I can be there when he leaves for work in hte am and at night when he comes home. I can work onSundays his day off ect. He can e-mail me from work ect. I will NOT talk to him do his laundry ect. I know what I need to do and feel much better now. It will be hard but I can handle it. I think it will be much easier than living and sleeping with a WS. Seperate myself for my health and well being. When I have enough saved I will be gone. I have stated no more chances this is the boundry I have set in my mind.

Have you exposed her affair? Is the OM married?

Yes I exposed the A to his wife. It proved to be a big setback for us though; originally said that I would not bother him or his wife. I think that she new something was going on.

My wife said that this site was too sad for her and does not want to read this stuff. I have to agree that it is indeed very sad to read, but probbly necessary for me.

Suggest a MC. You need to address this now are you may lose your marriage. NO CONTACT is a must. She doesn't want to come here not because its sad, but because it reminds her of her bad deeds. No one wants to face them at first. Read
Serviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. you can find it at the front of the site. You must act...sounds like she will not.
Shes in a fantasy land and you must go get her or she will be gone forever. do you want that? You must do the work!
see if she will do the Emotional needs Questionaire with you. Cowboy Up Jim!! I almost lost my wife...we are happy now.

Sad my a**. You have been playing the patsy so your WW won't get "mad at you."

Guess what?

She is ALL WRONG. Tell everyone what she's been up to, including her parents/friends/cousins/anyone that matters.
Will she get mad? You bet!
Do you care if she does? Not anymore.

If you like the idea of another man between her legs some more just keep compromising with her. Hey, my wife took her pants down for some loser because I allowed their litte "friendship" to go on. Now it's my mission to tell other folks what is going to happen to them.

Don't let her push you around anymore. Don't be a rear end either, just be tough.

Remember...she is WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! She has NO say in the matter, she is wrong. Take charge!

She has been seeing IC, and has been told that "she has come to a crossroad and must make a decision". I suggested that we see a MC togather, but she says that I need to see an IC first to get things ok with my self.

She is also very sad with working her new job and wants to return to her last position. I'm ok with her going back to her last job, but with only one stipulation; OM must leave first. She doe not see it as I do, and thinks that it is ok to work / talk / be around OM; I sat NOT. She asks "What am I afrad of?" I did tell that I am extreamly jelous of OM. She seems to understand, but still wants to go back to her other job.

***She asks "What am I afrad of?" ***

Yeah, I've had this one thrown in my face, too. "If you weren't so insecure, you wouldn't be threatened by OP."

Here's what there is to be afraid of:

When someone gets their needs met by OP and not their spouse, pretty soon they don't need their spouse any more.

When you don't need someone, it's real easy to ignore them.

When you ignore someone, you have no relationship.

In a marriage, no relationship = Divorce.

If she's not afraid of that, if she does not see Divorce and the Destruction of her family as a threat, then she absolutely should leave home and just keep her OM.

You would think that someone who "means nothing" and is "just a friend" would be real easy to get rid of, wouldn't you?
Mulan

She has admitted that she loves OM. In fact she has told me answers to every question that I've aked, and it is very apparent that she loves OM more than any person in her life with the exception of her children. I beleive that she would be with OM right now if he was not married (she would probbly be still seeing him if I did not tip off the OM's wife). She is uncertain of our future; she says that one part of her wants to work on our relationship and another part wants to go off on her own. Money is an issue for her as it would be very difficult to support her self on her earnings, not to mention supporting our son as well.

Well today I probbly have the most difficult decision to make up to now. WW is returning to her former job; where OM still works, and will be one of her supervisors. Previously WW transfered to another job location as I asked that she not work or see him any longer. I also told her that this is the only issue that I will not compromise on; her being around OM. I told her that I will expose their A to the Corporation if she returned to work with him. Also, I did explain that she was welcome to return to that location with only one stipulation, OM leaves first. Well today she told me that she made arraingements to return, and that the "chips will fall where thy fall".

I love her, and do not want to loose her, but I'm not sure that I will be able to continue my M. After I expose this A, I think things will get very ulgy between us. I'm I wrong to make their employer know about the A? I feel that he is very wrong for his involvement as this is not his first A; he had an A when his first wife was pregnant and they D'ed, then he cheated on his second wife (A with my WW). I feel that he should have learned from his previous A, and should not have got involved with my W, also he was her supervisor; what scum in my mind.

Any how I must make this decision. Thank you for listening.

"I love her, and do not want to loose her, but I'm not sure that I will be able to continue my M. After I expose this A, I think things will get very ulgy between us."

Actually things are very ugly RIGHT NOW in your marriage. You've got 3 people in it, and your wife is openly defying you. Please expose today at their work, and be very calm about it.

Secondbest, your marriage really doesn't have a hope in ****** as long as she works with the OM. It does have a hope if she doesn't. Seeing him every day will make recovery impossible, which is why Harley is adamant that all contact end even if it means a career move or a move to another state.

Yes, things will get ugly if you expose. But they will get much uglier when you have to endure an on again, off again affair for years on end that will eventually lead to divorce. Divorce is very ugly, let me assure you. She will be furious if you expose. But your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive an ongoing affair.

Can I ask why you are helping the OM hide his secret? This guy needs to be busted very badly and keeping his secret makes you his enabler. With your silence he is perfectly free to continue pursuing your wife and other men's wives. You are doing no one any favors by helping him hide. If he is married, I would also tell his wife.

Second,



OK, so now you need to do it, right away.

Yes they will, but this act could ultimately help save your marriage. Of course she is going to be pi**ed off, she will undoubtably be embarrassed, as she should be. Very few people, no matter what they have done themselves in the past, actually approve of marital infidelity because it is wrong. From an employers viewpoint, it is also disruptive in the work place.

Absolutely not.

Second, your WW does need to understand that there are consequences for her actions. The others here are right that it is too bad if coming to MB makes her sad. What does she think her actions are doing to you and her children. In the end, what she is doing will make many people sad and she needs to own her responsibility for that.

Affairs cause everyone pain, including the WS and BS, sometimes it just takes time for that to sink in.

Hang in there, this is a good place to be for both advice and comfort.

Who

Dr Harley:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

p.s. DON'T warn your wife that you are going to do this because it will give she and the OM an opportunity to pre-empt you. Just call up and do it, secondbest. THEN tell her.

Secondbest,

An apt description. I'm sure (at least I hope so) that by now you know that's exactly where/what you are. Your wife made her decision. NOW IT'S YOUR TURN!

It's time to protect yourself and your children...time for the other "team" to get an understanding of consequences...time to be an example to your children.

I'm reminded of an old truth - "we get treated the way we allow people to treat us".

I wish you and your children well.