Ok, i have ben trying to fill my wifes emotional needs and we are in MC now.
I taged her car with a mini digital recorder after being advised on here to keep my eyes and ears open based on what her actions and words are.I have done alot of research as well and find lots of red flags. From prior posts i did a semen detection kit after nights out and they were negative. so 1) she isnt in a sexual affair yet or 2)they used a condom. I cannot find any evadence they were together on the nights out.
The first day she talked to the sus OM on her way to a spa treatment he bought for her Bday(and supposibly he bought for other workers 2)
The tape went something like this on incrimination part
1)ws...i picked up your laundry
2)ws...im on my way to get the love bath from Vivs(name of spa), i thought you were going to give me the massadge and now your sending me to vivs...him responding(dont know whats said)...ws...unhuh uhuh...ok bye
Later in my restless night i explored her purse and found a nother gift certificate for 3 more 1 hour sessions dated that day.(he must of pre arranged another gift)
We had couseling at 8pm and during the session she expressed she had lost herself and needed space to find herself.We agreed on a mutal interhome space agreement after i said i refused to leave my children even for 1 night and that this is what she wanted we needed to seperate(a bluf)
Anyhow im obviously gathering more information and trying to formulate a plan. I love my wife!
Im not sure this wasnt a flirtashous act in an EA or maybe it has gone physical(be hard for her to do with me knowing where she is almost always except for these nights out)
It appears to have started about september 25 with the cell calls.
Im an emotional wreck and need advise...please help me formulate a plan.
Im going to the doctor this week for some meds.

If it is not a PA it sounds to me that she may get into one soon. The love bath is a sign and a very personnal gift. Be careful not to let her know that you know about her A. I did to soon and they just went darker on me. Keep an eye on hte love bath and see when it gets used- I kept a diary of things he did and said. Which helped when the fog was clearing and he denied alot of things. It was proof and he got angry and then had to admit it was true. Pretty hard for them to see what they have done. I would suggest you start writing a Plan B letter. Do not leave the home. If anyone is to leave it is to be her. Is the OM Married? If so you need to let his W know about this A. Have the proof ready for her. Also prepare yourself emotionally in case this has gone to a PA. If she wants to be single let her pay her own way. How old are your children??

I'm no expert, but you need to stay dark on the fact that you are keeping a eye on her, don't expose anything to her at all. Act as if nothing is going on. Plan A is where you need to start. Read the book Surviving and Affair by Harley - this is a good start. Keep up the MC. Plan B is for much later on, don't rush into this. Plan B should be done if all else fails, you need to give MC and Plan A a chance. If you discover an affair then expose and continue in Plan A. Plan B is later on. Keep up the snooping.

onemoretime-

Your wife is having an affair. It will become a PA soon if it hasn't already. Get used to the idea that you will have to fight like a madman to put your marriage back together.
Picked up his laundry?
Massage gifts?
Please, no guy spends that on a chick unless he is expecting to get down her pants. If you let this ride long enough, he will, just like what happened to me.

You will have to be pleasant while being crapped on.
You will have to be very vigilant while gathering evidence.
You will have to aggressively expose her as soon as you can to everybody and anybody who cares.
Never be afraid of her response to anything you do; everything you do to thwart her affair is being done to save your marriage.

Follow those basic guidelines and read more from the more eloquent of us on this board (I'm starting to feel like a clod..) and you'll do fine.

One more thing for now...your wife is now a liar. She will lie to God if she can continue her little fling. Don't trust her. Heck, mine has been NC for 6 months and I still spy on her. Set the phone line recorder on the way to work this morning. Get after it.

I have read plan a and b alot, my kids are 4,5,11. I am being very covert but im having a hard time with the as if attitude. I have set some things in motion to find out where om lives and i know he has a live in girlfriend for 3 years so i will get her info as well.
I already retained PI and i am getting keystroke for the home pc but she uses office pc more and can log in from home. Any way to tap the office pc except external ks recorder and is it legal.
PLan a is when i get enough evadence i confront ,im just not sure i can be kind when i confront her.

If you feel you can not be kind then I say do it away from the children. Take WS out for coffee, dinner but someplace where you will have witnessess. You do not want to have a restraining order placed on you. If you feel you still may blow up -then write her a letter and post it here. You do not have to be kind -yet do not get loud, threaten -even OM, people will be watching. Maybe have a friend sitting as witness at another table to verify your non violence. Or send children to someone's home for the night and confront at home and you might want to record the confrontation on recorder. This is so hard and I am sorry you are going thro this. But it is something we choose to do to save our M. It is a rollercoaster ride for sure.

OMT,

You are doing well. When you expose, make sure you do not tell anyone how you got yoru intel. When your wife confronts you, you just say that you have proof and that you know what is going on. There is no need to elaborate with her, because she already knows the truth. But by telling her what you know, you will also give up your intel collection methods.

Get all of the intel you need to prove this. If he is buying love baths and massages, etc...if she is saying she wished he was giving her the massage, then there is already a physical part of this. So, there is already an affair!

They will think that no one knows, so they will be somewhat careless. Use that to yoru advantage. Use a tracker for her vehicle (you can get some that will update your computer...so you can watch where she goes in real time...and then go there to get the evidence). The tracker will also help you save money with the PI because you can tell him where and what times they meet. You will need the Pi in court, because his intel will be accepted by the court.

What state do you live in ? Is it a fault state? If so, getting this intel may give you a leg up on things like child custody (my kids were pretty much the same ages yours are when my wife's affair went down) and spousal support.

I figure you have about a week of good intensive intel gathering (maybe two) before you get all that you need on her.

Then come here with what you have and we will help you plan out your Plan A, with exposure.

Good luck...and good hunting!

In His arms.

Isnt it DR harleys advice to be kind at the exposure and offer reconciliation with total severance of om and ws?Also for me to continue trying to fill her ENs?

His advice is to ensure that you have enough evidence/proof of the affair so that you can confront your WS and OM with the information, with the intent that they will completely break off contact with each other and end the affair. And when you do confront your spouse, do so as lovingly and caringly as possible...but do not waver on insisting that the affair end, contact be broken off, and that your wayward spouse become 'an open book'...so that you can now VERIFY that the affair has ended.

Realisitically, most of the time the affair doesn't end when the WS is confronted. They will deny, minimize, and make every effort to make it appear that nothing bad is going on...which is why you need the 'proof'. And often, they'll also spin it back on the BS and make it appear as though it's all THEIR fault.

Regardless, if they do not end the affair, then exposure is your next step. You take your 'proof' to family, friends, anyone who will put pressure on your WS to end the affair. AND...you do the same thing to OM's family, friend, spouse, etc with the same intent.

While you're attempting to end the affair, yes, you do plan A. This is identifying and work on meeting your WS's emotional needs, while working on yourself as well. The intent is to make yourself the 'better choice' between you and OM.

Yes, you should offer reconciliation...with the understanding that the WS will end the affair, and will work with you to ensure that it does end, you can rebuild your trust in them, and both of you work together to rebuild your marriage.

That's my understandings at least. Not talking about the plan B option that may come into play if plan A fails.

Ok do i also contact an attorney to be prepared for d-day with my children in mind? And if so what will i require my attorney to do?
How can you even get through this i am at witts end now?

Since my wife works with this om should i make severance from company a deal breaker?

In my case, my mother-in-law lived at the place where o/w worked. This is how and where the EA took place.

I requested my mil be moved as one of the conditions of us staying married.
I also wavered on it, because it was affecting my Mil's welfare. I ended up allowing my w/h to make that decision because of the welfare of my mil.

If I had been in your shoes, it definately would be part of the deal.

No activity yesterday on recorder as the batterys went dead for the ride home, but according to her phone no calls were deleted and there was no contact between them via cell after work hours(2X during). I had him followed during lunch so they werent together. I got his tag#.. any suggestions on how to get address besides PI? He wants 100.00 for a search.
Gps goes in tomorrow.FYI Nextel is dirt cheap for real time tracking and route logging without pinging the system every 10 minutes.
Im not really being that pleasant to her nor am i being unpleasant, just distanced in mind. As i do this i see her moving closer? Thats really confusing.
Im not quite sure i want to reconcilliate if i find there is an affair because i feel the woman i have known and loved for 12 years isnt there anymore and may never be again. Im already emotionally drained, cant sleep, havent been eating and lost 15 pounds and now im throwhing up.
Are these natural feelings and reactions?

onemoretime,
Sorry you are in this mess. I'm even more sorry to tell you that everything you are going through is exactly normal-the rollercoaster you are on includes all of your symptoms and more.
However, there is still much hope and promise for your marriage. I know that you are unsure about saving the marriage, but give your relationship the benefit of the doubt. Follow the advice here to the letter, and fight like crazy to protect your children and save their family. You can make the decision to stay married later when you see how your wife handles plan a or b-whichever it comes down to. Lets concentrate on the intel/exposure battle, we will worry about the war later.

All the intel i can do is almost complete all i can do is sit back and wait for something to happen.
I met with my attorney and she tells me we can supena all email corospondence from her employer if i cant get into it b4 then.Also working on getting a keystroke recorder on her work pc...well see about that one.That would be the gold! ok let me sum it up and see if i missed anything.
1) vehicle is gps tracked and audio va recorded
2)PI retained to follow on next time out
3)random work checks in progress to be sure she is physically there (we are in same line of work and have multiple mutual contacts that are my good friends)
4)ordered more check mate and a black light to detect semen/bodyfluids
5) locked her out of cell account and have bill going to po box so i can document calls

Need home pc keystroke recorded spyware even though shes not on it much...any suggestions there?

Am i missing anything guys???????????

On the emotional end my doc gave me xanax...what a drug, my hearts not pounding and im actually a little at ease but sleepy. Havent slept but 3-4 hours a night this last 2 weeks.
Our MC called me and said she wanted me to meet with her supervisor as she didnt know how to handle some of this.I cant get my wife to read any on here(dont want her to right now) Would anyone suggest some literature such as his needs her needs to be bought and placed for her to read if she will?
She tells the MC that she feels she has lost herself and thats why she thinks shes not in love with me anymore.
Also im trying to use some reverse on her this morning and told her we needed to look at refinancing the vehicles non jointly(suggesting preperation for seperation) and acting as if i dont care about whats going on with us(distant and spoke when spoken to). Is this a good or bad plan?

Onemoretime, re: your request as to how to find OM's address. I think you know his phone number all ready. If you do, there are "reverse directories" out on the Internet (and usually, hard copy publications in your public library) which will give you an address for any phone number you supply. The problem is that most cell phones are not covered in their database. You can do a Google search on "reverse directory" and you'll find a bunch of services out there. The problem is most of them cost just about as much as your PI is quoting you.

Failing that, license plate information is a matter of public record in some states. In others, it is restricted to some extent. Check with your attorney. He/She might have a pointer on who to call.

For a keylogger, check out: http://www.keylogger.com/

They have hardware and software keylogger solutions. If you don't want to pay for a keylogger, try a Google search on "keylogger +software +free"...I got 2,730,000 returns on that search string. Keylogger.com is the recommended place to start though. They have a very good name out there.

My attroney ran the tag ,have OM home address now ,im having a friend ride by to get girlfriends tag so i can get her name and hopefully employer for exposur plan a.

that is interesting ... I did not know that!

If you don't want her to draw closer to OM ... then you better stop pushing her away from you...

I think this is a not-so-hot plan ...

Plan A carrot and stick ... I'm gonna bump up that thread for you ... hang on ....