I was also just informed that Aim or all instant messages are able to be retreived and supplied on supena.

How can i be nice and fill her EN when i think this is going on? I dont think i can thats why i do the detached thing.

do you want to stay married to her?

P.S. ... "nice" ain't on the Plan A list !!!! Not at all !!!!

pepperband that link wouldnt go

How do i act and not withdraw, yes i do love her and i want to save my life.

yes i do love her and i want to save my life.

your life and your wife?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

the link works ... and anyway ... I bumped the thread up ... look for it

Know what ... when you get past all the exposure that will soon be necessary ... both you and your wife are going to need to put forth a huge effort at rebuilding a new marriage ...

and both of you will need to exercise great self control

YOU will be requiring self-control on your wife's part, true?

and you ought to require just as much self control of yourself ... start now. learn how to feel your feelings without making her pay the price .... your days of recovery will be much more productive if you learn and practice self-soothing ... and avoid angry outbursts or pouting or snide remarks ... get a grip on yourself now

and you will be ahead of the game once you are in recovery

I got it and thank you sooooo much! It sounds really really hard.

ok one more concern what if she catches some of my covert activity?

Maybe im an idiot......

The recording from yesterday had suspected OM on there 2 x with nothing but buisness talk about clients.
Her best girlfriend and her were together during these conversation so i had a good listen(45 minutes) of girl talk about alot of stuff including the suspected other man. Saying how much him and 2 other coworkers that are men(and hang out together) are nothing but dogs and nothing nice to say about them period.In fact one of the friends they know is having an affair inter office and they were slandering him quite well. The best buddie that was with w had already emailed me and assured me that when w was out with her that she would never let her do ANYTHING like what i had suggested was going on 3 weeks ago( an A) and her statement on the subject yesterday to w was that she hated cheaters because she had been cheated on before.
During the men bashing the suspected OM i found out is thinking about marrying his girlfriend and w and friend both agreed if he did he would cheat on her because of his flirty ways and roaming ways.
Alot of other jargen that is errelavent and unmeanial here that i found interesting.
One more fact is that w and friend were talking about finding new jobs after the first(my wife also discussed this with me last night). My W because her boss keeps trying to undercut her bonuses and the friend because of the same plus other issues. Would a WS leave a job that she had a lover at? I dont think so.
I still am monitoring her but i feel as though i took a flirtashous act and made a mountain. Granted she should of never said anything like that but i also know how work enviroments can be.That just says we need to work on our marriage.
I also found out SOM had bought the other spa treatments for my W because of a deal that she saved that he screwed up and was also paying her 500.00 on another deal she saved that he had screwed up.
What do you guys think...im sure time will tell but i feel like a million dollars today!

Let's hear what you have done every day as the [color:"orange"]'carrot' [/color] part of Plan A ... I am interested ....

Regale us with your great-attractive-husband efforts. please. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pepper, i met her with a great attitude as she came in to a clean home with the smell of fried chicken going. I held the children away as she got a chance to get into some comfortable clothing. When she came into the living room where i was i started some conversation with a pleasant attitude and stroked her leg which she accepted.Between the up and downs to cook we talked about her work and other things. I apologized for pouting the last few days and told her that i would try and not do it but that i loved her so very much that i was depressed about our situation. I told her I felt we could make it through and be happier than ever.I tried to caress her some while watching TV but not too much.
WE went to bed and i snuggled up against her and slept.
This morning i had her cofee ready and offered more conversation. I warmed her car up for her to drive to work and put some items in the car she had to take to work. I then sent her off with a little kiss and have a great day.
I emailed her a romatic e card telling her how much i admired her physically as well as metally.And i used our wedding phrase at the end IT WAS NO ACCIDENT ME FINDING YOU (trayce byrd keeper of the stars)
IM trying hard any more suggestions on that end? And pepper what do you think about my last post????

That was great just keep it up. One ? -could the GF and your W suspect a recorder?

No some of the things said would of never been said if they knew....they had no clue.
Im not convinced and ill keep up dilligance but i may be over reacting.
There is no way she could be having an A without this friend knowing.They work in the same 20 feet of space 40 hours a week.

OK guys i am turning up nothing she went tailgating saturday with the same friend that she has been going out with and i had someone there that watcher her and they observed nothing. Also the prearranged suspected gift from OM turned out to be something she purchased for herself(it just hit bank account today).
I on the other hand seem to be not doing so well.Crying for nothing and feeling lost and beat.
Can it not be that she has lost herself and alot of it is my fault, how do i get her to start coming back to me? IM careful not not to give out LB and i try to engage in conversation and steal in some physical contact when i can. But i feel the taker in me wanting more improvement faster.
When i tried to talk about it this weekend she wasnt cooperative and said it wasnt me being a bad husband or father but that it was her.
My MC set me up to see her boss this week instead of her.She said her boss had more experience and she didnt want to hurt us.
How can i keep up giving and let her take with no giving??
She agreed to look over his/her needs is this a good place to start with her?

just bumping hopeing for advice

At this point you are not sure what is going on.

You best make a plan to meet her needs, and discuss improving your marriage while you watch and wait for more information.

If she asks why you are worried about it, you can tell her that you have been doing a lot of thinking, and you want a wonderful, passionate marriage, not an average one. Then tell her you have imformation on how to do that, and you want to study it with her, and make the improvements.

If she is NOT in an A, she should respond and want to help improve things. If you have been drifting apart, she may not believe those loving feelings can be re-created in your marriage. In that case, she may not help much until you show her what you mean - by example.

You need to set up a time line for marriage improvement. Write it down - then work on it.

I think if things have been bad, you should plan on meeting her needs for at least 6 months before you get her to really respond back. Most men can do it for 6 months without a return - if they have a plan, and if they know they have neglected their W in the past.

AT that point, you can look at how things are going and decide where to go from there. By then, if there is no A, she should be responding. If there is an A, you should have proof by then.

In our own situation, it took about 2 1/2 years of work to get from living separate lives, to acting like newly weds. It will take time, and it will be work, but the results can be wonderful.

So, can you stand 6 months of plan A type behavior with perhaps nothing in return?

ARe you willing to read, study, and meet her needs alone to give her time to become a convert to Marriage Building?

What do you think?

SS

One more thing.

She may have faults, and she may be doing things that drive you crazy. Know right up front that you can't change her, and you can't teach her about those things until she is in the mood to learn, and wants to learn.

What will work is you making changes in yourself, and showing her how things can be. She will respond to that if she is not in an A,and if she doesn't have major addictions, or other personalithy problems. (What I mean is that there are some defects that you can't overcome, but most people will respond.)

So, don't plan on pointing out to her "Oh, you do this, and that, and you could change all that, and we could be happy."
Plan on being an example, and showing her how good it can be. She will respond better to that approach.

SS

Plan on being an example, and showing her how good it can be. She will respond better to that approach.

Great advice and that was exactly what i plan on doing. Yes i can do it for 6 months this is the woman i want to grow old with.
When she came home last night we had great conversation and i was very flirty and bubbly so to speak.This is my game plan to be the best that i can be with her and the children.I know that i have neglected ourselfs what we can be for the last 7 years but mailnly last 3 years.
Our MC seems to think she has lost here true identity and we are formulating a plan for her recovery.And a plan for me to help that.
She is willing to look and explore some thoughts about marriage so she says, but i havent tried introducing anything except for links yet.I did e mail chapter 1 of his/her needs yesterday.
I truly beleive she isnt having an A so i will proceed lovingly while i watch.
By the way i was in an A 4 years ago she inavertintly knew about but never confronted me. And i am posative she has issues with that still.I came out of the fog by myself and have been faithful ever since.