Did you all tell your husband the entire truth (that is if he wanted the whole story)? How long after the affair did it take for the entire truth/story to come out?

At first no, I lied about details - trying to make it sound less worse than it was as I didn't want to hurt H more than I already had...over 3-4 weeks, H kept persisting and telling me things didn't add up and not knowing hurt more than any detail he could hear, I finally got the whole truth out...after weeks of half truths and blatent lies.

So it took 4 weeks from the beginning of NC for the whole truth to come out and with much persistance from my H.

In my H's case, he knew what it was like to be lied to, so he told me the whole truth right off the bat when his A ended, and he was so blunt about it - alot of it hurt - but glad he didn't lie to me.

My FWW laid it ALL on the table on D-day. Some of the details were far more graphic than I was ready for, but when I asked a question she was as brutaly honest as possible. Even the PA parts were discussed in great detail. My fault though... I asked and she answered all that I wanted to hear. Fortunately I never knew the person or saw him. No images were scribed into my head.

Was it hard for any of you WS to talk about the situation with your spouse. My wife is getting better but she gets pissed off at me for bringing it up, saying that I need to just "get passed it" (she said she gets mad mostly b/c I ask the same questions over and over even though I try not too)

My FWW dribbled out details of the A over several weeks. It was slow torture for me. No matter how much I told her that I needed to hear everything at one go, she couldn't do it. She said that she didn't want to hurt me any more, but I think it was both that and she was getting more and more embarrassed and ashamed about what had happened as the fog began to clear.

I try not to question her about the A now, but it's very difficult. There are some details that I'd still like to find out more about.

quick question m.i.m. :
How do you feel about your ws still working with om? I have the same problem but luckily enough they work for the same company but he is in a different city about 40 miles away. She tells me she is looking for another job and she acts like she is, but she has only gone for one interview. I am dependant upon her salary, but I told her she can quit and ill just put in OT to make up for it or get a second job. I cant stand that she still works for the same company as om.

It took a long time for my FWW to tell me the truth. She was so deep in the fog, she wouldn't answer any questions nor tell me any detail. Even after DD, she protected her lover. It was me doing detective work and hiring research companies that allowed me to find out who the enemy was. Once I knew who the OM was and once I began exposure, the truth and details began coming out. She went into damage control mode at that point and began telling me the facts.

My FWW worked with the OM for 2 months past DD and our relationship continued to suffer. Recovery did not even begin until she quit her job and was 100% away from the OM with absolutely NC.

TooSoon

Not very comfortable, but it was a situation that we had to accept for awhile, for financial reasons. She agreed to no personal contact with the OM (who worked in the same office as her), and kept to this agreement. She was adamant about it. The A was over months before I discovered it, which perhaps made it easier for me as well (had it been going on when I discovered it, her continuing to work with the OM would have been a definite "boundary" for me).

She's recently resigned her position at that company, so things might be taking a turn for the better.

In our case, we're both 40 years old, we've been married for 13 years (and were involved for 20), and have 2 kids, so it made sense to us to try to recover the M. In your case, you're 22, you've only been married 7 months, and already your W was involved in an A. If there are no children involved, if I was you, I would seriously ask myself if I wanted to continue the M with someone who couldn't uphold her vows for such a short period of time. When did her A start and how long did it last? How long did you know her before you got married? If you do decide to stick it out, it seems to me that some serious counselling needs to be done, or you might be signing yourself up for a years of heartache with someone who doesn't value their committment to you.

Kudos to Dorry for answering.

I notice she's the only Formerly wayward to come forward on this very important thread. She never went that wayward in the first place, on the betrayal scale.

Question for you Dorry: Yours was a ONS, is that right? Did you realize it was a huge mistake right away?

I know you are Deeply Sorry, and you've had to pay a terrible price for your indiscretion. It hardly seems fair, considering the Carte Blanche most of the heavy-duty wayward get.

On D-day, after my H discovered the inappropriateness of the friendship and confronted me, I told him the truth about the inappropriate things which happened on e-mail: the things I kept secret from him and did behind his back (flirting and sending of holiday photos on e-mail). However (like Dorry) I tried to make the involvement less serious than it was by failing to share all the finer details with my H. At that stage I also didn’t tell my H about my strong attachment and attraction to XOM and how intense my feelings were for him. As a result my H allowed the friendship to continue although he wasn’t happy with it. I tried to keep the friendship on appropriate level and I thought it would be okay to continue being friends with XOM – how wrong I was... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> (At that stage I haven’t discovered Marriage Builders yet and I was in a deep fog and denial).

During the time the friendship continued, I still kept the inappropriate thoughts & feelings to myself… My H didn’t had a clue about my true feelings for XOM and I felt too ashamed and guilty to share it with anyone (including XOM). Then, 6 months after D-day XOM suddenly ended the friendship in a very cruel way – I think mainly because XOM couldn’t accept my boundaries anymore. XOM wanted the friendship to go back like it was before D-day, but I couldn’t allow it and do inappropriate things behind my H’s back anymore. I think that day when XOM ended the friendship, he realized how I felt about him and this may be part of the reason he ended the friendship…I’m not sure…

Anyway, I felt sick, shocked, hurt and very angry towards XOM that day. When I returned from work that afternoon my H could see something was terribly wrong and I cried and told him. My H confronted me and asked me why I’m crying over a man who is “just a friend” and someone I’m not married to? I responded by saying that he was a dear and close friend to me and that I’ve learned to care for him very much… However, I still failed to tell my H about the romantic thoughts and feelings I had for XOM… I was afraid telling him would hurt him too much and I still felt too guilty and shameful to share this with anyone. I felt like a very bad & terrible person for feeling this way about a man who was not my spouse...

As me and my H began our recovery and the fog started to clear, the fact that my H didn’t know the whole truth about my thoughts/feelings started to bother me very, very much and the guilt became worse as a result of it. A few times I tried to have an honest and open discussion with my H about this, but my H was not very responsive or interested (understandably so). A few months later (after we were approximately 5 months into recovery) my H told me that – during my intense withdrawal - he knew about my feelings for XOM all along but that he didn’t want to hear it from me because it would upset him too much and just made him angry. He was afraid the knowledge about this and too much information about my feelings would possibly affected his/our recovery. I understood and respected this.

Therefore, as you can see, I could never shared the whole truth with my H (with regards to my thoughts and feelings) because he didn’t want to hear it.

Sorry so long. Thought it would help to give all the background.
Suzet

Dear Suzet,

I always appreciate your courage and sincerity when you voice your thoughts here.

I want to apologize to you personally if any of the overwhelming anger I have had toward my particular OP has hurt you in any way. I hope you will accept my sincere regret, I'm truly sorry, even if you haven't felt upset toward me.

It's people like you who give me hope, and let me know that people can truly change. It's people like you that give me insight that the episode is out of your personal character and truly was a temporary insanity.

God bless you.

(((10swords)))

Thanks for your kind & sincere note to me – I appreciate it very much! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> May God bless your heart and give you strength, peace and comfort during your continuous recovery.

Suzet

EA started on 6/03/05. PA started on 7/13/05. She says that the PA only happened once when they were both drunk.

My whole story:
gearheads story

We were together for 4 years before we got married

There are no children.

I wouldnt be with her now but she has completely done a 180. She has changed a lot. But there are still things that arent quite adding up. ie this thread. I dont think Im getting the whole truth/story.

Last night I questioned her about it and at first she said she has told me everthing and I told her Im ready to listen when she is ready to talk. Then she said she needed a little time to gather her thoughts and when she is ready we will talk. So that right there tells me there is more. I just wish she would dump it on me so I can deal with rather than keep dragging it out.