Hello all...this is my first post, though I've been reading everything I can around here...any input would be appreciated...

My wife walked out about a month ago and left me with two of our three teenage children living at home (the third is on his own). She says that "she loves me, but is not 'in love' with me anymore." "She needs her space and time to see if she misses me and find her love for me again." She told us that she would be coming around all of the time, but she has only been by to see us 4 times for short visits. She wrote me two emails prior to leaving saying that she was going to work on finding the her love for me again and that she needed to "find herself". The first two weeks she was in contact with me almost every day. She told me that she loved me every time we spoke or chatted and I replied that I Love Her, but I did not initiate those word myself because I did not want to pressure her. I did not initiate the chatting or calls, I allowed her to do that. Conversations were relitively pleasant and lighthearted and I did not bring up the R. If it was discussed, it was at her initiative. The last two weeks she has been almost silent and only contacts me when she has business to discuss. "I Love You" has stopped. I know that part of her reason for leaving was because she did not feel that she had enough freedom. Her coworkers are all single or divorced and go out every night drinking after work. Drinking on the job is also commonplace. This is not a lifestyle conducive to a strong family, but after she requested a divorce a year ago,and we agreed to make some changes and try to work things out, my request was that she let me know if she was going to be late(I fix dinnner for the family every night). This was not suitable for her. She would not call if she was going out and felt like I was watching her all of the time....her lifestyle has continued and redoubled since she left. I strongly suspect that OM is involved.

I have been working on improving myself, primarily my relationship with the Lord Jesus. I have been being convicted of unconfessed sin in my life, including things that I have hidden from my beloved. I wrote these things down and presented them to the Lord to ask forgiveness. One of them involved kissing and petting (outside of the clothing) a strange woman on a long bus trip 18yrs ago (when I was 20 and returning from military service). I was married to my beloved at the time. I know what I did was wrong and I do not make any excuse for it. When I saw my wifes face after 4 months of being away, the OW was completely forgotten about, except the guilt.

I knew that confessing the sin to God would not be enough and that I had to confess the sin to her also and ask her forgiveness. Yesterday I sat her down with my list and confessed all of my faults that contributed to the breakdown that we have had in our R. I made no excuses for them, only told her that I was deeply sorry that I had hurt her and that I had carried the pain of hurting her with me for these years. I asked her forgiveness for all of the things and for carrying that poison into our marriage and hiding it for so long. She was hurt and furious and now won't speak to me at all..(can't say that I blame her).

Now for my question...did I do the right thing? I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders because I have nothing to hide from her, but the pain that I caused her getting that relief is killing me! This seems like the worst time for me to do this, but I could not live with how I hurt her any longer...any thoughts?

Yes, you did do the right thing. Read up on plan A. Get the book Surviving An Affair. I am 99% certain your W is having an A. Make those changes to yourself permanent. I am very sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Faithful,

I began implementing the changes over a year ago when she dropped the D-bomb. She told me herself before she left that she could not ask for a better husband (I know that there is always room to improve <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />). I am continuing those changes in earnest...I am on my second read of His Needs Her Needs...I will find Surviving an Affair. I am stuggling right now with whether it is better to snoop and find out the truth, or respect her privacy. I don't want to do more damage...but I want to know the truth...never thought I'd be in this position after 20 years with the woman that I adore...

I agree totally with faithful. Now take charge and do not facilitate her behavior. You are finished apologizing, by the way, until she comes home and shows the proper remorse for her actions and your marriage is on the road to recovery.

Start spying as best you can, find evidence, then tell the world what your W is up to. Do it now or it will get worse.

Best wishes.

Spying to save your marriage is never wrong. How can you possiblly know what you are up against if you don't have reliable information??

When my husband said, "I don't love you and I don't think I loved your for ten years" and the I need space to find out if I love you, is nothing more than, I need space so I can see the o/w without having to worry about your interference. He never came out and said, "Honey, I am in love with another woman, and want us to get a divorce."

I thank god that most w/s have certain characteritics that can identify what they are.

Their actions-secretive
Their words-straight from the w/s script

Now would be the time to set up keylogger on computer, monitor cell phone records, and put a voice activated recorder in their car.

Don't let spouse know that you are suspicious. Never, never reveal how you obtain your information. If they ask, just state you have your sources.

I agree with kdsheartbreak. do all that you need to do in order to get informaiton. Keyloggers, screencaptures, etc. if you even can get ahold of gps tracking, go for it.

My situation is my W and OP and myself all work at the same place. W and OM is on the same floor in the same dept. Now that I know whats going on, my plan is to make my presences known everyday when I leave work. He's already getting scared of me from my email confronting him. He fowarded it my W to leave her to deal with it.

I understand hurting. W went to visit mom since she was diag with cancer. has our daughter too. will be back tomorrow. But came home yesterday to an empty house and missed both of them dearly. If what i'm going through is depression, I dont want it any more. I spent 9pm last night sitting on my daughters bed reading her favorite bedtime stories. Not healthy, but it helped me.

Just an update...she took off her wedding ring the day I told her about the indiscretion of my youth. She said that she will not put it back on until she can get over this. She has next to no contact with me. From what I have read, I had been doing plan A for the last year when she was home...she left anyway. Do I continue to try and show my love for her to try and build a new foundation (plan A) after my destructive revelation? Since I told her about this, I feel that it has destroyed the whole foundation and that there is nothing left to build plan B on. I had to get my heart right, but now I don't know which way to go...I have been texting her loving and encouraging messages trying to put some of the love back in place. I get no replies.

I am so confused as to how to approach this... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Okay, you are somewhat of a mess right now. If you have been doing a good Plan A for the last year, it may be time to start reading about Plan B. But first, you will need to get much stronger.

I think it is safe to assume that she IS having an affair. Otherwise she would keep more in contact with the kids at least.

What are the things that she complained about before? Did you change them?

What are you doing to make your life good right now without her?

All the wondering in the world is not going to fix your problem.

Hire a P.I.

Find out if and who she is having an affair with.

When you find out who she is having an affair with, contact the Haley's for a counseling appt.

They will give you a game plan that will hopefully lead to the recovery of your marriage.

Knowledge is power.

Sincerely,

K.D.'s Heartbreak

believer...kds, sorry that I did not reply to the last few comments, though I did read them.

Sorry this is so long but it's kind of complicated... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Well, an update is in order. She came home and spent the night last Tuesday and we were intimate, but she would not look at me while we were in the throws. She layed on my chest and held me tight afterword. For the rest of the week I did not hear a peep from her. No communication at all.

Last night she came over to help decorate for Christmas. I prayed before I went to get her that the Lord would be present in our home and that my words to her would be annointed by Him. We had a good evening and I fixed her favorite meal for dinner. After decorating the house, my children left to do things with thier friends. She and I discussed Christmas plans after they left. The conversation then moved to the fact that we are at about six weeks since she left. I asked her if there was any update on the situation with her and I from her perspective. She said that her feelings had not changed and that she still was not in love with me and does not feel anything for me when we are together. I asked her if she felt that way about someone else and that is when she dropped the bomb. She said that she is in love with the other man from her EA last year. I asked if they had been intimate and she said yes. Normally I would have broken down and blown up all at once, but I did not. I stayed calm and collected and spoke in relaxed tones even though I was dying inside. She said that the actual PA has been going on for about three weeks.

All that I could do is tell her that I love her and that I believe that the Lord still has a plan for our lives together. She said that the hardest part of all of this is that she is hurting me and that she is sorry for that. We continued talking until about 1am. Mostly with her crying and me holding her.

During the ride back to where she is staying, she kept looking at me strangely. Christmas songs were playing and I was singing along with them. Then she commented that she could not believe how I was handling this. I told her that what she could not believe was the depth of my God given love for her. I have been forgiven of many sins, and I choose to forgive her as I was forgiven. She said that she is just so screwed up and doesn't know what to do anymore. I told her that I have been praying for her daily and she told me to keep praying. When I dropped her off, she held me for a while and kissed me gently, all while crying.

I praise the Lord all the way home for her confusion! She did tell me that she knows the changes in me over the last year are good permanent changes. She told me that I was a good husband and father and that she is the one that is messed up. I told her that she is a good mother and wife, and a good person...we ended the night on a good note, even though the revelation was awful.

Now for my confusion. Does this sound like progress or am I lying to myself? I have been plan A for over a year now, probably the last six months have been good plan A. We seemed to make some progress last night, although nothing has been done to resolve the A. Do I continue plan A with this turn of events? Do I expose? I am the only one who knows about the A and if I expose, she will know exactly where it came from, hence emptying the love bank. I have been reading Surviving an Affair, but I don't know where I'm at at this point. I just know that she was back at work today with the OM, and may be in his arms tonight.

Thanks to all of you for being here and being patient with me. Through earnest prayer and the prayers and support of others (especially her family), I am dealing with the hurt and keeping a (reasonably) level head through this.

hi....

I did not get a chance to read your whole story....but your name caughed my attention......that is so nice....

Sorry you are going through this.....stay around...these guys will give you great advice.......

Best to you.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Daisy

SoIn,

You did the right thing by confessing your 18 year old indiscretion, done when you were a horny GI reverting to civilian life, to which she TOTALLY BLEW UP, and used it as an excuse to stay apart.

I mean give me a break here, how easy is that to forgive?

YOUR MAIN OBJECTIVE IS TO BREAKUP THE AFFAIR AND INTICE HER BACK!!!

You EXPOSE and Plan A your A$$ off.

YOU DO NOT PUT UP WITH YOUR WIFE BEING WITH ANOTHER MAN!!! You do not accept this!

Maybe you should get angry!! Set some boundaries!

Get pro-active rather than re-acting to her.

GET SOME CAJONES!!

God helps them that helps themselves!!

Stay strong my friend,

k

soinluvwithher - Do you want the Christian perspective or just comments in general?

Is your WIFE a Christian?

I'll wait before saying anything more, other than to say that you are doing well so far, but your own resources will "run dry" before too long.

God bless.

Krusht,

I did make it clear that I am angry and hurt about what she is doing. Could you expound on exposing (which will anger her), and still being able to plan A? I did set boundries, mainly that he is to have no contact with our children. I don't want to act out of anger, that is one of my former LB's (though there was NEVER violence or abuse involved). I simply want her to understand that there is a new me. Thanks for the advice, I have cajones, I just don't need to swing them around like I used to...

ForeverHers,

I appreciate all comments, but I do weigh them by the Word and ponder them in prayer. Just as I have promised WW and my children that I will not give up on our marriage, I have also promised the family that I will stay the course until she comes out of the fog. There are some in the family who have already faded. I know who I can count on and His name is Jesus...

My company Christmas party is Saturday. She is my date and she said that she is looking forward to it! Don't know if this was to make me feel better, or if she really means it (I've read enough times that all WS are liars, especially those in an A).

Thank you all for your comments and perspective...

soinluv, one of the most effective elements of Plan A is EXPOSURE. The affair cannot survive for long without the veil of secrecy. Exposure is ruinous to affairs because it causes the affairees to see themselves through the eyes of others when forced to explain themselves. It causes the fantasy to crumble. It is simply the most effective weapon, next to God, that you have at your disposal.

All the need meeting in the world is not going to have an effect unless you bust up this affair with exposure. Good exposure targets would be her employer, her parents, your parents, your children, close friends, and most especially, the OM's W, if any. It should be done in one fell swoop on the same day in order to get the most effective impact and to prevent the affairees from pre-empting you.

As you can see, simply meeting her needs [one part of Plan A] has had no effect on it's own. Here is a good overview of Plan A written by Pep:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Melody,

I am torn by what the Word tells me about cherishing and protecting my WW. Should I, as her husband, expose her to such shame when I vowed to Love, Honor, and Cherish her?

The other issue is with her employer. She works in an environment where fraternization with other agents is almost encouraged. Exposing at her business could have the effect of driving her and the OM closer together. He is divorced and is over 60. She already doesn't care what her family thinks about the separation and won't speak to hardly any of them.

It's not my intention to whine. I understand the logic behind plan A. It is just difficult to cause hurt and pain to her, even with the hurt and pain she is causing me. I just want to be sure that this is going to be constructive and not destructive.

BTW Forever, yes she is a Christian...

As long as the affair is going on you have no chance!

Until you develop some BACKBONE and CAJONE to bust up the affair, there will be no progress in your sitch.

Plan A does not stand for Plan APPEASEMENT. Once you understand this you can start taking the necessary actions to give your M a chance. I would suggest your read some other threads on this forum so you can see how failing to expose because of fear of upsetting the WS never advances the BS's goal of saving the M. It never does! It only undermines the M and prolongs your misery.

Are you sure the Om is D ? What if that is just something he has said to others.

Very sure realtor...I have met his ex. I have been an aquaintence of the OM for a couple of years during the period that he was seducing my WW. He is a smooth talker and a huge flirt.

Just out of curiosity, did your sitch come as a result of your business? That line of work seems to foster A. Not to blame the business for all of this, but the environment sure has contributed to the degradation of our M.

Exposure at work is taken care of...found out tonight that word of the A has gone around the office like wildfire (I do business with some of the people in the office). Exposure in the family will come fairly quickly. People in the business know people in the family...so the monkey may be off of my back regarding family. I'll know tomorrow by the end of the day. I know some of you will think that this is a cop out, but I take my vows to honor and cherish her seriously, even if she doesn't at this point.

Next stop, more Plan A.

Talked to her tonight for a while and she confided in me that the R with the OM is not all that she thought that it would be. She also said that where she used to turn our songs off when they came on the radio, now she listens and cries. She said that something that I'm doing must be having an affect. She also said KEEP DOING IT?!

...5am comes awful early...