WH has not seen OW as far as I know. Has been coming home from work on time. Calling me several X's a day, saying ILY alot. Asking me to join him at times for lunch. Agreed if another retirement party comes along I shall be going with him. Has finsihed most of work around the home -that has been waiting for 2 1/2 yrs. Been honest (at least I believe so) I do not see the closed look in his eyes anymore. Been affectionate like he used to be preA. There have been no further LB's. Remember after the last contact 2 months ago he became the alien again. Has told me he is the luckiest man in the world to have me as his wife. During his 5 weeks of strike we spent every moment together I believe that was the one thing that brought him out of his fog. Says he is sorry for putting me thro everything and wishes he could change the past. We are working together now and I can tell him when I am upset and he can also without anger, blame or any LB's. He knows my boundries and has agreed with them.
I am not stupid and do have my planB letter in my back pocket. I know the signs he shows when he has been in contact and am keeping an eye on things. I hope and pray daily that we stay close and strong.
Any advise would be appreciated. Pleae keep me in your prayers as one more contact will be my end and I will move out.

As Ronald Reagan said "Trust, but verify." This all sounds great and we are praying for you. But in the short term, make sure you keep your eyes open. Good luck.

In His arms.

Yes mortarman that is just what I am doing. Verify, verify, verify.

Question for you when do you stop being suspicious - I guess that will take time. Its just that the wool was pulled over my eyes for so long. However, after we talked about his not telling me about contact which I knew had happened, I have seen the man I M. I had forgotton how good a man he was. It is nice to see this loving man again. I have told him I am falling in love with him again but that I still need time. He is trying real hard to bring back that love. He knows I do not trust him at all. When I just pulled totally away from him I do believe he got scared for the first time. I went into safe mode for me, I did not call him during the day, I did not stay around for him to call, I stayed busy, had fun with friends, did not cook him dinners, I just stoppepd. When he wanted something I just shrugged my shoulders. This made him open his eyes after NC was broken. I just did not care anymore. This is not an over night fix and he is aware of that. He has also stopped blaming others -something that has been a problem. I acknowleged his change and have really thanked him for this. It is a family trait. I will keep an eye out for this to reoccur. He was like a kid who broke the cookie jar and was caught alone but always denied and blamed someone else. I see it when it happens and have not seen this for awhile. To soon to tell how long this will last.

Takes awhile. I still check up from time to time, especially if something triggers me. She never knows I check. But for my sanity (and our recovery), it is better for me to check and be satisfied, then run around worried.

The days have gotten longer between the times that I have these feelings. I pray that eventually, they will be gone entirely.

In His arms.

Aside from the obvious clues... your gut is the best thing to go by. It's just unfortunate that many of us ignored our gut when it was screaming at us to look around.

hopeful4future - I sure knew he was involved with OW for a long, long time it just ook a long time to find out. I guess the point I am having trouble with is some of his fog answers that still linger in my mind. Like when he said if I did not e-mail from home you would not have found out.What is that suppossed to mean ? So I wonder and still not easy with this.

Realtor,
I am so happy for you. I too, am feeling good about my relationship for the first time in months. And like you, I still have one foot out the door, just in case w/s comes back, due to contact with o/w.

I feel very confident that he is over o/w and no longer wants to have contact with her.

I am very confident in our future together.

I also know what my boundries are.

I have completed a succesful Plan A.

I will not do another EA.

If that happens, he is out the door and Plan B is on.

If plan B doesn't work, divorce is the only option for me.

I hope for the best for you Realtor. You have made remarkable progress. You went from one post, thinking everything was over, to the next post, things getting better. I am so proud of you and have great hopes for your marriage.

Wishing you more love and happiness in your marriage,

Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

Gonna have to say that I'm right there with you with confusion on that one.

K.D. I am happy for you as well. Thank you for your kind words. I too will be gone if I find out about further contact. I just can not ake it anymore. I realize how strong I am as a person, a good woman, devoted mother and wife. I have been asked out by another man and refused. But I almost said sure. This was right after nc was broken. But I said No thanks. It did make me feel good about myself -at lest to know I was still attractive. Sure didsomething for my self esteem. I think Wh heard and has been clingy since. To bad for him. I just want so bad to ask him well -how does it feel. I am just not the type of person who cheats or would have an EA. Not in me at all. I just want to feel safe you remember those days?? What I would give to know I was safe again. I find myself thinking enjoy what you have today it may not be there tomorrow. Have you ever done that?

Alien logic ~~~> the affair did not hurt my marriage, the discovery hurt my marriage

Hey realtor* (I'm a Realtor too by the way..) I'm right with you on the contact thing. If my FWW pulls anything I'm out the door.

You know, I still spy on my wife, today I set the tape recorder up before I left.

I still have keylogger on the computer.

I still investigate any phone #s I don't know.

Sad. Maybe I can stop some day.

I find myself thinking enjoy what you have today it may not be there tomorrow. Have you ever done that?




I know exactly what you mean, Realtor.
I am living each day, relishing all the good times, but keeping a level head, knowing it can all be gone the next day. I'm living life today as if tomorrow will never come.

Sincerely,
K.D's Heartbreak

Pep he said that when he was still an alien. He said so many alien things it just amazes me. Like when I found out about his A -he said he forgives me! Hello -are you in there? )As I tap on his hard head)
mflake - this A thing and they time before I had proff -has left me devasted. I am afraid to really let go and feel good. To soon I guess.
K.D. - my head is so level now its flat. I am an expert in seeing through him. Taking my time -meanwhile my heart is safe. Not saying it will not hurt if contact begins again. However, I will know I must pack my bags. Sometimes you just can not win. I will leave with my head held high. After I break a few of the things he loves.
Oh and Pep if thinks I was not being harmed before I found the e-mails -he was crazier than I thought.

Yesterday I had lunch with my H. It was nice. Last year when ever we had to go someplace together he would put a cd in and play this song "Cold as Ice" and it would be playing when I got into the truck. He would glare at me. I had told him about this behavior a few months ago.
So yesterday he brought this up. He stated that he had purchased this cd so he could listen to love song that should have been on this cd but was not. That he did not deliberately play cold as ice to hurt me. He chuckled when he said this. I looked right at him and stated -(proud of myself for this) in a very calm and casual voice. ) H listen to me that is not correct - I know you played that song everytime I went anywhere with you. I know it was done on purpose and that when you played this you glared at me. So please do not rewrite history. You played this when you were in love with the OW. I know you are done with that and will not do that to me again.
I think he is trying to convince me that what took place did not. I have my journals and can show him if he needs proof.
Why is he rewriting history. Is this something he can not deal with? Is it his shame for his past behavior and is starting to come to grips with his past or is he changing things so he can live with himself. When I stated him being in love with OW -he said no I was always in love with you. I said no you were not, people in love do not treat each other that way and for that long.
Was I right to point this out. I think I handled myself very nicely. No anger, no LB's. If I did the wrong thing please advise.

Oh -forgot to add - H only listened to his satelite radio. Bought this while in his A.

My husband did go through the same things re-writing how he treated during and immediately after the affair.

However, I make recordings. Was obsessed with recording things during his A, because we would discuss things, all kinds of things, like banking transactions and all kinds of things, and later he would deny we had ever discussed these. He even accused me of "stealing money out of our accounts", the MOW threw this in my face the night I called her phone number. He's my husband, I told her, and his money IS my money. But I was deeply hurt because these were transfers to pay our bills. I am the original low-maintenance wife and was using this money to Pay OUR Bills, as we had discussed and he had directed me to do.

Whenever he tries to deny stuff like that, all I have to do is offer to pop in a tape.

Man, that would be scary.. a wife that is a transcriptionist at HOME! Last thing I need is to be reminded of every word that comes out of my mouth.

As for checking up... probably a good year passed until I felt myself not doing it soo much. Now, just a couple weeks shy of 2 years, I can't really think of the last time I 'checked' up. I have had times that I said, hmmm, this would be a good opportunity for contact. But, then my response is typically, if she goes that route, eventually it will come out. It will hurt me all over again, and thank goodness, I was such a 'good' man that I could soften my heart towards my wife enough following her affair, that I could get hurt all over again! I know my life will move forwards as I choose at that point...so, if she wants to make a terrible decision, so be it.

But, that wasn't until about 1 year...another thing, her actions helped me. Getting rid of her cell phone, helped me not worry so much. Seeing her internet usage drop more and more... the emails coming and going being only of 'decent' stuff... things like that. The fws does alot to help the BS move forwards. They can't push it, but they can help it.

hang in there.

LOL There's no argument though.

Seriously, during my husband's A I felt like I was going crazy. Nothing made sense anymore. I didn't understand why things were suddenly so horrible. I didn't know if it was my dad's extended near-death illness, or if there was something wrong with me, or if my husband was going through something.. Reality was spinning away and i was just drained, and sad, and abandoned and I had no idea why. This was something I felt I could grab hold of that would prove I wasn't losing my mind. Or maybe would prove I was.. I was constantly off balance. The cruelty of an affair is just beyond the pale, the intentional gaslighting of someone you profess to love is simply one of the worst abuses that goes on inside the infidelity.


I abandoned checking up too, probably within 4-6 months. He's so transparent, and always with me now, and he treats me as a valuable part of his life again, I don't feel the need to check up on the cell bill. It used to disappear, why didn't I notice that? It's always available now.

Those tapes are pretty tough to listen to so though I keep them, we rarely actually listen to them. When I have listened it causes some really major setbacks for me. But I can't give them up yet. I hate re-written history more than just about anything.