Can plan a & b be used for emotional affairs?

My husband forms strong emotional attachments
to women friends in his life. I've had to deal
with two very strong ones. Both have nearly
ended our marriage.
I feel totally betrayed by this and he
thinks I'm being jealous.

How do I deal with this?
One of the women is his best friend's wife
and very hard to stop all contact.

This is only one issue we have but one that
keeps coming back.

This "only issue" is enough to break up your marriage.

An affair is an affair. My opinion: Yes, Plan A, Plan B.

your h sounds very much like mine as far as his emotional affairs with other women. Yes, an ea IS an affair, and yes, the plans can be used for an ea. I did a plan a, and it did work. Good luck. I sometimes think ea's are harder to overcome because view that as long as there is no sex, it's not an a, it "just friends."

I am the b/s of an EA.
My xws did not think it was an EA at the time, but now has come to accept, it was indeed an EA.

And yes, you can Plan A and if necessary Plan B.

Please make yourself familiar with Dr. Harleys concepts and his books, Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs.

Also, many folks her have suggested the book by Shirley Glass, "Not Just Friends"

Does your husband become secretive when he contacts these woman????

I am sooooooo glad someone has posted about EA's. I have been hanging around MB for several months now (not so much recently) and have been told by numerous people that it was probably a PA as well, however, in my heart of hearts I do not believe my H had a PA......I do believe that if I would not have "come to" out of the coma I was in, it could have quite possibly turned P. As a friend of mine who has been thru a PA with her xwh said "You nipped something in the bud."

There are many problems with an EA:

(1) They are not considered by a large majority to be A's at all as there is no physical contact involved. (huge misconception!!)
(2) This popular mindset makes it all too convenient for the WS to jusitfy his or her actions.....No physical contact thus no A!
(3) This justification leaves the BS holding the bag with nothing concrete to hold onto. (no way of obtaining any proof of anything except for the sneakiness and the lies.)
(4) Recovery is much harder as the WS gets off the hook so to speak as "there was no real A"....so the attitude is "nothing really went on so get over it." (my H actually said to me at the time I was confronting him that it had not yet become physical......."it hadn't gotten that far" were his exact words....which to me said it all)

Let me tell you an EA is as real and as damaging as a PA....but harder to recover from. The pain is JUST as devastating......I felt as if I was in real danger of losing his HEART......which in time his body would probably follow.


You betcha I plan A'd. I actually plan B'd before I plan A'd as I left after a huge confrontation and fight for 1 month to stay with DD and family in another state. (not exactly what the Harley's recommend....just happened) We are now in the Harley's Counseling Course and holding our own....but it has been a roller coaster ride all the way, just like BS's that are faced with PA's or EA's and PA's both. We go thru the same torments, same grief process, have the same reactions.

BOTTOM LINE: I WOULD HIGHLY RECOMMEND PLAN A AND IF THINGS ARE NOT PROGRESSING PLAN B.

Let us know how you are doing!

Blessings, Tarehurts

I agree completely and I know there was no PA because of the distance. I have all the emails and records of the cell phone but all I hear is no sex=no affair. SOOO frustrating. I find it hard to plan A given that there is no true remorse because he still feels he's done nothing really wrong and his brothers all agree. He just says it was "inappropriate". Well, that doesn't begin to cover how I feel. In the end, I look foolish and like I am an over reactive, jealous wife.

While I am, OF COURSE, very grateful that there was no PA, it does somehow lessen my ability to move on because I don't have anyone supporting me that this was an affair. The words I read in those emails crushed me. The sex talk humiliated me. The OW was trying to set up a "get together" and I really believe that it is possible that sex could have happened when he had to back there again.

Now, WS just wants me to "get over it" and move on. He acts like nothing happened. Well, something damaging and devastating DID happen as far as I am concerned and I am tired to being brushed off as a hysterical women, when I am anything but. We are hopelessly stuck at this point.

To All,

I was made to look like a fool because there was no PA. There should be a place for EA victims. Yes, we are all very gratefull that no physical went on, but......to me anyway, it was an "affair of the heart", just as devastating.

I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE ALL GOING THRU.....BEEN THERE...DONE THAT........DEVASTATING!!!! Would have rather had H have a "one night stand"....with someone he didn't even know. No friendship, no closeness, no emotions.

To Sick.....Please get some counseling of whatever form you can, it is not HOPELESS, although I soooooo know where you are coming from.

At the moment, we are holding our own.

Blessings and Prayers,
Tarehurts

D Day 3/30/05
Me 56
WH 47
Recovery Aug/05

O,MG, Tia....

You are not alone in this. You are not just a jealous wife!!! It is DEVASTATING TO GO THRU THIS!!!! I am still not over this even after a NC agreement and supposed upholding to NC (which I believe he has done) In the emotional sense, the trust has been violated, even with no physical contact!!! The "trust of the heart" is gone!!! The innocense of the relationship is gone.

How to gain it back? Look to the Harleys. Look to MB Counseling Course....or whatever you can to save what you have with your H. I pray for the people on this board daily.....along of course, for myself and my H.....My prayers are for you and all of us struggling thru this satanic nightmare. I pray daily for all of us.

Blessings, Tarehurts

Any external R which causes friction in a M is an EA. I don't mean stuff like 'I don't like your mother'.....not that kind of R.

Inappropriate R with opposite genders. The EA is harder to prove and more deadly since it holds the heart in durision leading to the fantasy life.

Here are some tell tale signs:

1. Need for the WS to hide his/her activities.
2. WS claiming need for space...to sort things out.
3. Unusual high financial activity.
4. Greed, greed and more greedy activities
5. Angry outbursts by the WS to family and friends.
6. Some even torture their pets.
7. Neglect of obligations and responsibilities.
8. Unaccounted time.
9. Blaming the BS and family for the blatant WS errors.

The list does go on but you get the idea. It is a very selfish state of mind. One that can NOT be reasoned with, so don't try.

What t/d? Read Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs (both are by Dr W. Harley) and Love m/b tough by Dr James Dobson.

Call Steve H for some immediate phone counseling.

Take the EN questionnaire in the concepts section.

Don't be intimated by the Ws. Identify your boundaries and learn to stand your ground. Expect him to try and shake up your world.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

take care,
L.

With my H's ea, he tried to make out that I was crazy to suspect that there was anything wrong with his r with the ow. After all no sex no affair.

Hi Shay,

Their defenses and reactions are sooo typical and follow almost an exact pattern.....It's eery to me how they defend their actions with the same responses almost word for word at times. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I didn't realize this of course until finding MB and learning a little bit about A's. I was told I was crazy.....needed counseling.........immature in my thinking.....("needed to grow up").....that it was sad that I had caused so much conflict in our M when "there was nothing to cause conflict over, nothing happened!"....etc., etc. He also played the part of being very insulted that I could ever think such a thing! "How dare you!" I think they ALL SAY ABOUT THE SAME THING.

Blessings,
Tarehurts

Yep, the WS's lines and reactions seem to be all the same. Hy WS told me that I was "horomonal" and the I had to either start taking HRT or he was leaving. Sheesh. He was the one with the out of control hormones chasing after a Brasilian b!tch.

Have you read "Not Just Friends?" It was a very helpful to me.

In addition to all of the above comments, just to make it crystal clear, if he wasn't willing to do everything he did with her right in front of you, it was cheating...it was an affair.

Very true, longhorn.

I once asked my H is he would want me to behave with another man the way that the ow behaved with him. He answer "no." I said "Then you R is inapproppriate."

That's another excellent illustration, Shay.

Shay and all,

Yes, I have read "Not Just Friends". Helpful but for some reason very painful for me to read. Had a hard time getting thru it as it caused "flashbacks" for me. Took me FOREVER to read it.

I have asked my H the same exact question about me carrying on with another M and how would he react, feel? He has absolutely NO answer for me. (not like him at all as he has an answer for EVERYTHING) He just looks at me blankly when I have asked him that. No comment whatsoever. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,
Tarehurts

If he had no answer then he must know that he would not want you doing the same thing. But it still amazes me how they can rationalize their actions.

It might be what they call "foggy thinking" or "fog babble?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

They seem to be soooo caught up in the excitement of someone else admiring them and hooked on that feeling they throw everything else out the window, (including their M)

Blessings,
Tarehurts

Totally True, Longhorn it was cheating.......IT WAS AN AFFAIR...... not hard to convince me of that nor any other BS that has gone thru an EA. THE CHALLENGE IS TO CONVINCE THE WS THAT THEY ARE HAVING OR HAVE HAD AND A!!!! As I said in an earlier post, people who have EA's have an easy way out.......they are able to justify their behavior to themselves and to their S's, as 'NOTHING REALLY HAPPENED'. No matter how caught up with the OP they were, THEY DIDN'T REALLY CROSS THE LINE. So.......they feel righteous by putting all the blame on the BS for being "crazy, "unreasonable", "childlike", "controlling", etc., etc.......Plus common belief is that an A means physical contact.......sex......No sex, No A......totally easy way out.

I know this is an extreme example but just look at good ol Bill Clinton......"I never had sex with that woman!" Yes they did everything else under the sun but they never actually consumated the relationship......so in his twisted thinking......technically no A.....As I said this is a VERY EXTREME EXAMPLE......but the same mindset. I'm sure he was very aware that his relationship w Monica was more than inappropriate......but he was able because of a technicallity to justify it.

Very hard for the BS to deal with...there is nothing to be able to PROVE......feelings?......hiding phone calls?.....they can deny and rationalize everything.....and the BS is the one that ends up looking like a fool.

Believe me I DO NOT WANT TO GO THRU AN EA AND A PA ALSO! But how does a BS confront this? The confrontation and exposure are the hard parts. My WH said to me during yet another effort to confront him...."YOU CAN'T PROOVE A THING!".........Terrible position for the BS to be in! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,
Tarehurts