I had an 18 month EA/PA and "came clean" with spouse, family, Bible Study, and friends. I did this because I felt it was necessary so that I would be accountable to others and for my W to know that I was serious about it never happening again. It also opened doors for people for her to talk to and not feel "weird" about what she could/should say.

The A started as a business relationship. During the business relationship, the OW was given a vehicle to use (an expensive one) as part of her compensation. After the A was exposed and ended, I have been working towards getting the vehicle back. It is owned by me. I made arrangements to get the vehicle back this Thursday. The OW called me today at the office (there had been NC) and told me that she would like to give the vehicle back after Thanksgiving. I said that would be ok. She asked me other questions like "How was I able to turn my feelings off for her?" and I just said that I was devoting myself 100% to my marriage. She told me that once she had turned off her feelings for me, they would be off forever. I said OK. I thought I had done all the right things.

As soon as I got off the phone, I sent my W an e-mail saying that I had been contacted and everything that was said. I thought that was necessary in order to maintain the path to winning back some trust.

My W read the e-mail and called me at the office. She said that she was going to call the OW's spouse ASAP (tonight) and let him know everything that had happened. I told her I did not want her to do that. Here are my thoughts on the subject. I will bulletize them in order to avoid my stream of consciousness babbling.

1. During the A, the OW told me that her H could never know about it. She said that he had told her on numerous occasions prior to the A, that if he ever found out about her having an A, he would "shoot" the OM. Now, I know the logical argument is that it is highly unlikely that he would, but he does have a lot of guns and I don't know him that well. I don't want to risk it. My W says that it is highly unlikely and that it was just a tool that the OW was using to keep it in confidence. However, the OW told me this before the A was exposed or even when I started backing out and she was trying to reel me in. She said this way at the beginning. And even though I desire no more personal relationship with the OW, I still don't want him to hurt her physically either (with a gun or otherwise).

2. I didn't get into personal stuff with the OW on the phone today. I didn't want to know how her and her H were doing because it really is none of my business and I don't want it to be. During the A and before the A, the OW told me that her and her H had lots of problems. I think that was true obviously. She wouldn't have been in the A if her and her H were blissfully happy. However, if her and her H are on the road to mending their relationship, then I don't want to step in there and squish it. I just want to stay out of it and mind my own family and my own problems. If they are going to get past this, then let them do it. I try to put myself in the OW's H's place. If I thought my M was going sour and then things started getting better and I was happy with my W, I don't know that I would want OM or OM's W coming in and telling me about what had happened. I may want things to keep getting better and stay married not knowing what had happened. As long as she could get past it and forget it within herself, I wouldn't want it to linger inside of me and hurt the feelings I had for her. At some time in the future after her and her H worked things out (assuming they did), then she may feel the need to tell her H. She knows him better than me or my W and can make that call.

3. Before I came clean and told my W what I had done, she was trying to make it easier for me and told me that whatever I told her, she would keep it to herself and not tell anyone. That was a big hurdle for me and it allowed me to feel better about telling it all. One of the specifics she mentioned is that she would not tell the OW's husband. I was really concerned about that and it was a MAJOR hurdle in me coming out and telling. When she told me she wouldn't tell, it got the hurdle out of the way.

4. My W says that she can't go on living with the knowledge that there is someone else who was "in her shoes" wondering why things are going so badly in his M. She says it is up to her/us to inform him and then let the chips fall where they may. I can see where she is coming from but I also see that we should just stick with "us" and let "them" handle it themselves.


A lot of you really helped me through my coming clean by reinforcing the NC and telling me that was the only way to go. I believed you and I did it. I am so thankful for all of you who responded. You were truly an answer to a prayer of mine and I know that God saw to it that I got on this website, posted, and that all of you responded.

Now I am stuck in another rut I feel because of this. My W said that because the OW contacted me, it almost feels that we are back towards square one. When the OW called, I didn't hint that there was any potential for her and I, or that my working on my M was a "trial thing" just to see if it worked. I told her I was 100% in this even when she threatened about losing her feelings for me forever. I was sort of proud of myself. I feel like I have really worked hard at trying to move this marriage forward and I know my W has worked even harder than me.

Right now I just feel pretty strongly that calling the OW's H and telling him is a bad idea. I don't know how to get around it. I am struggling and I feel physically sick over it.

Please let me know what you think about this.

Thanks,
SNT

Exposure to the OW's spouse brings accountability to her. The accountability isn't all lumped on you...

I think you need to do anything and everything to enable your W to trust you. I think exposing the affair to the OW's H is the right way to accomplish this purpose.

Painful as it may be.

You did great telling your W about the contact.Personally I do not believe Ow H would set out to kill anyone right off. Does he have a record? What does he do for work? You are afraid for yourself and OW still means alot to you. That is why you do not want OWH to know. Why should your wife be the only one to have problems. The car needs to be returned before Thanksgiving. You contiue to take care of this OW. That is what your W sees. I am the BS and my H also begged me not to tell. He put her needs ahead of mine. I think he still does. If only he would do the same for me. I think R would come alot easier.
Only my opion -other smarter people are here to advice you.

I support telling adults the truth ...


out of respect for the adults

and

because of personal value for living through truth

and

because keeping a secret like that is poison for your own marriage ... Keeping this from OW's husband will HINDER your wife's healing ... I promise you that.

It will be good for your marriage to no longer keep this secret.

No contact means NO contact. You could have worked the automobile return through your attorney or a co-worker. You should have hung up when you heard the OW's voice on the phone. Courtesy to the OW is not a thing you can afford to be concerned about. She's an enemy of your marriage.

IMHO, I'd have exposed the adultery to the OWH a long time ago. He needs to know his marriage is in difficulty so he can deal with it.

Telling the OWH is insurance for your marriage. It reduces the OW's freedom to reach you.

Not telling the OWH protects your person - maybe (the OW could tell him anyway).

You're trying to save yourself at the expense of the marriage. The rest is rationalisation.

TA

My husband said the same thing. So what we did, is we TOGETHER - one on one phone, one on the other phone, called OMW and H encouraged me to be honest, also letting OMW know this wasn't a call for vengence, but he felt she needed to know the truth from me.

H then said if OMW needed to call and talk - he could call and talk to HIM, but no further contact to me...we had already been in NC for a month with OM, albeit he was trying to contact me yet, and we let her know that too.

After that she never called again, and to this day I have no clue how their marriage is...none of my business...but atleast she can handle it with the truth now.

My husband was proud of me for coming clean to the OMW and said it was the first step to correcting alot of wrongs I put on other people.

My advice is - if your wife would like you to do this, suggest you do it together and do it. And after that - let them work on their recovery, and you work on yours...but it will show your committment to your wife by doing this, and a well - show you are righting what you did wrong and not PROTECTING the OW.

Well said, Dorry. It must have taken a lot of courage to do what you did, and it will SNT also. But I can't think of another single step you could have taken that would have better shown your husband your commitment to your marriage. SNT, you need to follow this lady’s example.

I want to add my own story in this. I am the W of a cheating H. It happened 2-1/2 years ago, but he only told me a month ago. I wanted intially to tell the OW's spouse. I know what it's like being in the dark, in his shoes & wanted to tell him. My husband seemed reluctant (because he felt the OW could commit suicide). I felt she uses the suicide to keep her secrets (since she has had more then one affair on her H before marriage and they already have children together). I didn't really feel there was much risk of her really committing suicide, but it was just a manipulation she uses to keep people (like my H) feeling sorry for her.

We spoke to our pastor about whether or not to tell. He said that we should not be telling other people's sins. He felt we should leave it to God's timing & to her to handle.

So far we have. Then, I read this post. It really got me thinking about it again. I don't know if the pastor is right or if you guys are right. The OW used to contact my H for 2 years after the affair (her last contact to him was March of this year when we went to her wedding) - UGH! He was still trying to hide his affair so he didn't want to offend her or she might tell me about it - so he dragged me to her wedding. I feel like she invited him to the wedding because she really still wanted my H (since her affair with him started because she was confiding in my H about her horrible common law husband - then she marries him). She also wore a dress with her boobs squeezing out the top of her dress, too. At the time I felt it was an inappropriate dress, but now I wonder if she wanted my H to be noticing her. Then, she hugged me in the congrats line & hugged my H after me. I feel she did that on purpose as well to be able to hug my H. It's infuriating.

Why has no one posted this yet?

Should an affair be revealed?

I have been letting you in on some clues to infidelity when a spouse is unwilling to be truthful. But there are a few, of course, who are honest enough to tell their spouses about an affair without being confronted. Guilt sometimes sets in right after the first sexual encounter, and it continues to build as one lie is added to another. Depression follows guilt and it's not unusual for a wayward spouse to even consider suicide as a way to escape the nightmare he or she has created. As an act of desperation, honesty is sometimes seized as a last resort, often in an effort to relieve the feelings of guilt.

From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.

If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies.

Some affairs, those like the husbands of R.J. and M.S., are discovered by their spouses. But as R.J. and M.S. have seen, knowing about an affair is only the first step toward recovery.

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Look at M.S.'s husband. Here he is, thousands of miles from his lover, and yet he still feels compelled to call her. Can you imagine the trouble M.S. would have had separating them if they had not moved? Their move was the best thing that could have happened to their marriage because it not only revealed the affair, but it also set up the conditions that would make ending it possible -- total separation.

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

SNT.

""During the A, the OW told me that her H could never know about it. She said that he had told her on numerous occasions prior to the A, that if he ever found out about her having an A, he would "shoot" the OM.""

Now if I was an OW and didn't want my H to find out, this would be close to the best thing to say to my boyfriend. Or that I have put a bomb under your house and if my H ever hears about the A, the bomb will explode automatically.

Pure lying to save her A$$.

k

In short, it is cruel and manipulative to not tell the victim spouse. I am especially aghast that someone's pastor would participate in this cruelty with the excuse that one "shouldn't be talking about others sins." MY GOD. I guess he wouldn't warn his neighbor if his bookkeeper was stealing from him. Evil would surely thrive using that logic. Evil is stopped, usually, when it is exposed.

How will this ignorant betrayed spouse ever protect herself from her cheating spouse? How will she ever know that she cannot trust her spouse or that she needs to get STD testing? How will she ever repair her marriage is no one has the decency to tell her the truth?

My hat is off to all the good people who do the right thing and warn the offended spouse. And shame on those who don't.

I'm sure she appreciates all your help in hiding her affair so she can continue to pursue your husband unabated. Heck, maybe one day she will get him, whenever the spirit moves her, since she knows you won't stop her in this pursuit. Whose side are you on, anyway? Because I cannot tell....

I appreciate all of your honest responses.

I am struggling with this so much. I think this has caused my W and I to go back pre-square one. I feel like I have never felt before. Terrible.

I am reading and re-reading all of the responses from everyone and I can sort of see what is being said. I honestly am not trying to protect the OW. At least that thought has not crossed my mind at all. I thought what I told the OW today on the telephone showed that. However, to everyone here and my W, it did not.

Now it seems that even if I decide to go through with telling the OWH, it won't even matter. My W says it doesn't matter anymore. Because I didn't do it right away, it showed her that I still cared for the OW and wanted to protect her. I just don't see that as being true at all.

And I don't think I am rationalizing anything. I think I am being logical. Maybe that is where I am going wrong. What I did wasn't logical so what needs to be done shouldn't need to be logical either. I don't know. It just seems that telling the OWH, as long as I am maintaining NC and working on my M, shouldn't be an issue.

Just the 0.1% chance that the OWH does get a gun and come after me makes it seem almost ridiculous to do. Doesn't it?

Just not knowing what is going on down there and therefore not knowing what will happen with this "little" fact, makes it very dangerous. Doesn't it?

I admit not getting the vehicle was a major slipup. I am going to get that rescheduled to be picked up tomorrow. I made that decision today because I wanted to see if I could reduce the financial loss on it, and that was stupid. I didn't do it for her convenience so she could have the vehicle over Thanksgiving. I only thought about the money. I was stupid. Anyway, I am going to get it tomorrow.

But this thing about telling the OWH really has gotten to me. My W sees it as a direct hurt to her and I am having trouble with it. Now that she says it won't matter if I do it or not - I just need time to think about it. Maybe there is some lingering fog and if I thought I can't do this because the OW might get hurt then I would believe that. But it really hasn't crossed my mind and that is why it is so difficult. I don't think I am in the fog anymore. This is just logic and my own sense talking to me.

Keep the responses coming. I am really, really, really spiraling fast. My W told me before she went to take a bath that if this whole thing was going to make me sad then I needed to go stay at the other house (where I stayed when we were physically separated).

Thanks,
SNT

Your wife is hurt...you paused...and now without knowing she is doing it - she is testing you...

DO THE RIGHT THING.

Insist to her that you believe it needs to be done, and would really like her to do it with you, as you believe in remaining in NO contact...and so will no contact the OWH on your own.

Tell her that you understand what not knowing does to a person, and you believe her husband deserves the chance that she (your wife) has now on whether she wants the marriage or not...and to know what is really going on.

Apologize for the delay, that you are sorting thoughts out too, and aplogize for the hurt you have caused and tell her you love her, and ask again if she would call OWH with you.

When my WS does not show any interest in helping me find out how to contact the OWH (I hired a PI today to do it unknown to him), but still tells me he wants everything to work out I think, yea right. My thoughts? He is a coward. He doesn't want to come close to actually admitting what he truely did to the marriage and to me. Not contacting the spouse is just continuing to hide from the wrong doing. It tells me that he is still more concerned with hiding what he hid from HIMSELF along with hiding from everyone else. And, if he said to me tonight, I will help you contact him and fully disclose what happened, I could very well respond like your wife. Because in the view of those of us that are deeply hurt, damaged and betrayed, it really ca be too little, too late.

I have lost a great deal of respect for my husband because he lacks the character to face the truth to me, his family and most of all, to himself.

I am not intending to be unkind in anyway, just a little perspective from a BS

You need to get off the spot and take steps to make it absolutely clear to your wife how much your marriage, and her peace of mind, mean to you. Frankly, the onus is on you to prove yourself and I'm getting the impression time is running out. Sit down with your wife and make the call.

In case you didn't know(but I'm sure you did) my post was exactly word for word Dr.Harly.

You keep talking about the OWH taking a gun and killing her and you or something like that. How do you know he even has a gun? Seriously as long as the OWH doesn't see you there probably isn't going to be any physical altercation. Second, most betrayed spouses don't physically beat the WS but there is a decent amount that do but still. Realistically what do you think are the chances he even has a gun or would even come after you to hurt you? Read all the new bs that come here. You will see that they are not out hunting for blood.

Like everyone else says this is disrespect.

If the OW was really concerned about someone getting shot, she wouldn't have had an affair. If she is not worried about it, and she knows the truth, why are you? We hear lies about the "violent," "abusive" spouse on here every day and it turns out to never be true. And, strangely, it is ALWAYS and ONLY brought up in response to exposure but NEVER in response to having an affair.

MelodyLane,

I agree. I didn't feel good about what our pastor said either. I was feeling that we were then contributing to the OW's lies. And this is a very conservative Baptist pastor. He's a very solid, logical man. We both respect him a lot, but I didn't agree with what he said. I thought, too, his perspective was only seeing this situation from a man's point of view (which is the only way he can see it) so he seemed easy on my Husband while harder on me. I don't know, maybe I just perceived it that way, but that is how I was left feeling.

Our pastor knows the book "His Needs, Her Needs" well. He gave us a copy as well. He will not marry anyone until they go through the book first and counseling sessions with him about it so people are really aware of what marriage needs to be. Excellent, I think. But, as for his advice here, I can only conclude that he was trying to get us to have NO more contact whatsoever with the OW & her H & move on with us. The OW hasn't contacted my H since March when we saw her at the her wedding (why were we invited?).

After my H told me the truth about everything, he called the OW at my request & told her that he told me & she is never to contact him again. She agreed. Then, a week later, I called the OW & talked about God & about what she is doing to other's lives including her children. (I was extremely nice & non-judgmental). She cried, mentioned suicide & how if she told her H, he would leave her & her kids wouldn't have a dad (obviously, it was because she didn't want me to tell her H). I know she has had other affairs & with contacting my H for 2 years after their affair, she couldn't have had much remorse for what she is doing to her H & her family or anyone else for that matter.

Part of the reason I want to tell the OWH is because my H worked with him as well. So, he worked with both the OW & OWH and betrayed the H as well (as a friend). Our pastor didn't know that part. Also, I think my H is worried about it getting around at his old job & having his boss think less of him. He is worried about his image & integrity (although I did tell him his actions showed no integrity). He says he doesn't care about the OW & isn't protecting her, however, when I first said I wanted to tell the OWH, he said "I know how it is being in her shoes & how desperate I was that no one tell you." That is concern & protection. He doesn't want to admit that reasoning now, but I know he said it so part of him is wanting to protect her in some way.

For SNT - I think Dorry is right. Do it for your W & be proactive. Don't leave those doubts in your W's head. I know how that is and it only brings more frustration, sadness & emotional separation.