I have posted before. My wife and I have been seperated for about 1 yr and 2 months now. I had an affair for 6 months that came out in April of 2004. we attempted to work on things for 6 months and then she moved out in October of 2004. We have gone to therapy for 6 months and stopped in June..didn't go anywhere and didn't like the therapist. I have not talked to the other woman in the past year and have show great change..according to my wife. She asked for a divorce at the beginning of September, which I offered to pay for and didn't fight. We have still hung out on weekends since then and hold hands, hug, kiss here and there and have fun. We have not argued in the past year...only had fun(for the most part). We talked to tonight and I told her I could not just be friends because I have never seen her as just a friend, but I would always be there for her. She admitted that she was confused and was still not sure if she could get past the affair or if she wanted to be in the marriage. But, could not come to a definite decision to go through with a divorce. I told her I would continue being there for her until she could make a decision. Any thoughts or ideas..not on changing her mind, but helping her come to a decision..the best one for her.

Well, keep communication open. Don't go back to her out of guilt. You had an affair because of some reason, you should also be exploring that while you are apart. Try councelling again, talking helps the mind get less messy and more organized. As well, know what you want, where you stand, this is about the two of you, not just her and not just you!

Hi Danny,

Are you familiar with Plan A, The Emotional Needs List (EN's), and The Love Buster List (LB's)? You can read about each in the Articles section of this site.

You want to do a stellar Plan A, focusing on meeting her top 5 EN's, and avoiding what she considers LB's at all costs.


After re-reading, I dont really understand your question. Do you want her back and feel you can be the husband she deserves, or dont you? If you feel you cannot be faithful, you shouldnt be leading her on. I cant tell if you want her back with all of your heart. Do you? - Dru

I do want her back with all my heart. I would never ever be unfaithful to her again. But, her happiness is more important to me than my need to have my marriage back.

OK, Great. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You want to do a stellar Plan A, focusing on meeting her top 5 EN's, and avoiding what she considers LB's at all costs.

Can you guess what her top EN's are? Can you list them here? Can you think of specific ways to fill these needs?

Do you know what she considers to be your worst bad habits/LB's? Can you list them? Do you know how you're going to handle the situation when you start doing something she hates? Have a back-out plan?

It's time to get crisp! Get a plan, work the plan. You're ON, dude!... Get specific, start immediately! What have you been doing to fill her Love Bank since you posted your question last Wednesday? - Dru

The probelm is my bad habits are more personality triats than bad habits..other than my smoking. She dislikes that I am a constant thinker and analyzer. I do therapy for a livng(believe it or not) so I am used to talking, thinking and analyzing. She dislikes that, but that is who I am. Other than that, there really si nothing I do that she has said lately truely upsets her. In fact she often states I do a lot of good. It is just she is not a very emotional or affectionate women and I believe enjoys her independence and her freedom while still having me in her life to get some affection....if that makes sense. I have read everything on love bank and EN and I do strive to provide that for her.

If you don't want a divorce, tell her that. Saying you will pay for it if it makes her happy is just crazy. Women want a man who will fight for them.