Brief history. H had affair 9 years ago. He told me about it, we decided to stay together and work on our marriage. I don't know if I have ever really gotten over it. I am constantly suspicious, though he is an open book. I have his cell phone password, he doesn't hide things, accounts for time if I ask, etc. I have gone through periods of extreme distrust, especially when postpartum with our daughter who is now 3. We are pregnant again with our second child and the pregnancy hormones really have me suspicious. Nothing ever turns up. I snoop to find nothing. There is nothing even out of the ordinary. I find I drive myself nuts being anxious and it turns out to be nothing.

Anyway. H is a great husband. He has always been supportive of all I do, is always reassuring me that he loves me, only me and that we are a family and will always be. He never gets upset when I question him or get suspicious. He says he doesn't mind because he knows that he betrayed me before and that he lost my complete trust then.

He is an AMAZING father. Any flaws he has in general, mainly hot temper, disappear with our daughter. He never loses his patience with her and she is a very spirited little girl.

I have no proof or even a true doubt in my gut that he is cheating or has since the time that I know of. But, I sometimes think that if I did discover he was cheating and he wanted to stay in our marriage like it is now, I would stay. We have a good life. We get along pretty good, enjoy eachother's company, have the same goals and love being home with our daughter. We are happily expecting our second child.

So, after all that, my question is has anyone or would you stayed with a WS that kept wandering, just for the kids?

I would never stay just for the kids. I wouldn't subject myself to that life. With that said I would "try" for the kids. I know that when my wife was pregnant with our second child we went through a rough spell. I never had an affair but I just wanted out of the marriage however I never left and the kids were a big part of it. I stayed and we worked through it and I found happiness and love in our marriage again. Kids make it worth working on.

Ofcourse my battle now is that my wife had an affair. I love her very much and we are working on our marriage. Did the kids play a factor in her decision too? I certainly hope so. In my opinion they are a reason to work on it not the sole reason to stay.

My two cents regarding the above is that you haven't truly forgiven your husband for what he did yet. It sounds like he truly is a great man and I hope my wife makes it to where he is. You need to find a way to forgive him and move on. Trust me, I understand your feelings but if after years of a "good" marriage together I hope that the affair is far behind me.

Your husband is understanding about your need for transparency and is a loving father and husband. That is wonderful. Read some of the different posts and you will aprreciate how lucky you are.

Dr. Harley states that everybody is hardwired for an affair. He also says that by radical honesty, you can keep your spouse and yourself from developing an affair.

Have both of you been to Mc????

Did your husband answer all of your questions about his affair??

I still check up on my xwh, but it has only been around three months since discovery day.

Read up on Dr. Harley's concepts on the marriagebuilders website. His Needs, Her Needs book is a great book to read. Also, his book, Surviving an Affair.

I'm sure some of b/s with a few years of recovered marriage will give you some excellent advice.

Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

Hi. Thanks. I think I have forgiven, but I can't say it is forgotten. I am very insecure and I think that the affair just made me even more insecure. It was a purely sexual affair, he didn't even love her, it was just sex.

We never went to MC. We were young and he said he would go, but I never looked for a counselor or anything. We read some books and he did any activity that I wanted to do and discussed what I wanted to discuss, etc.

I think my pregnancy is making it worse right now. My anxiety is higher and I find that I worry if he doesn't answer the phone or is a little late when he gets home. In the past, when I have questioned him on things, he never gets angry. He always has a logical answer for things and it makes sense. He doesn't get upset when I question things. Sometimes I worry that maybe he thinks I am too dumb to figure anything out. I even ask my 3 year old questions sometimes, as I work nights 2 nights a week.

I guess I just wondered if my weird thought of staying if I ever did discover he was cheating was really out there. I am sure it is out there, but right now it is a thought I have when I worry.

Thanks for the suggestions and for sharing your stories. I hope that your marriages recover. I usually consider us recovered, but I guess that little part of me always wonders if I am good enough to stay faithful to.

HI, Verano. Welcome there are lots of folks that will help you.

Form personal experience, if you have this anxiety and mistrust after all this time, I would think you are pretty much stuck in a bad place. And saying you sorta kinda trust him is not good. It sounds as if your H is trying everyhting to help you. BUt, you know if you haven't gone to MC, that "stuff" is still there.

When my WH had his first EA, we decided we could do it on our own and I thought we tried. BUt becasue we never cleared the baggage away, it came up again. And by my sig line you can see what that got us. Oh there were lots of other issues.

But seriously, the best thing you could do to affair proof your marriage is to see an MC. If you can afford it, Steve Harley can help you. IMHO. SOme of the vet posters will come along and give you some great advice. Trust them they are the voices of experience.

Good Luck and congratulations on our baby!