My partner is hiding his phone from me ( i went crazy when I found out and kept checking it all the time for a week or so). I tell him it is wrong, but he says he has no control over her texting him (he has told her to stop several times) and does not want me to be upset if she does so he keeps it turned off and hidden when at home. His bill came today and I opened it, there has been a few messages sent from him to her. Should I keep this to myself and keep an eye on it or should I confront him now about it? I feel like I want some power over the situation - is this wrong?

Been there, done that. I'm not sure I did the right things but I know all too well about the evils of cell phones. I don't know how many times I've wanted to smash my wife's. It's an odd area. I never exposed how much I knew about her cell phone useage. I didn't want to lose the ability to check up on her. It's tough when you have to witness dishonesty. The problem really is how definitive the proof is that you have. I had plenty of definitive proof that she was lying to my face. It hurt and never helped me. I'll be interested in what the exp. folks say.

Yes, his phone drives me insane. I do not know why. This bill only shows October, 2 weeks of which was after I found out and told him to have NC. Well there has been some when he said there has been absolutely none. I am thinking maybe I keep quiet until I get the bill for this month and see what has happened?? I do not know why I am obsessing about it.

Hi, don't know whether you should say anything or not, struggled with the same stuff myself. You don't want to push him to get another secret phone or find other ways. On the other hand, it's hard to go on with a false reconciliation. I say keep it quiet until you have had a think. Don't make it a reaction, make it a well thought out step. Hopefully you will get a few more opinions so you can make a better decision.

pavlova, do you have a way of accessing his bill online? I would try and do this before you bust him, but even so, you don't have to give your means of discovery away. You can tell him you know that he is still in touch with the OW and has lied to you. You don't have to prove what you both know is true.

But before you do that, I would first try and access the bill online. I would then expose the affair. Expose it to his family, the OW's H and family, your family and the workplace if this is a workplace affair. Then you should confront him about it.

Exposure is ruinous to affairs and will either end it immediately or hasten its death.

Have you read any of the Harley material? I would suggest Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley.

pavlova...

you also need to broaden the issue of what is going on and address the communication styles being used and what might work better........

bigger picture and issue in long term marriage..

is that he believes that it is better to protect you from information so avoid you being upset...

this is a bad precadent and bad style to accept...

you need to address the "issues' around your response to her continueing to contact him.

you need to address with him and formulate a plan in which you address the issue of her still contacting..

ie new cell phone

what is bad is that she keeps contacting him
and he keeps contacting her to tell her to quit contacting..

nice pattern...

and then you find out and go ballistic....

broaden your image of communication styles that serve a marriage well...

the goal would be...
that he has NO contact with her even if she continues to contact

he gets new cell phone and she never ever knows the new number

he does not read any text messages....and only shows them to you and you two delete them together...

you control your reactions when he is truthful and make it safe for him share these things.....

see a bigger picture here...

do you want from a year from now to be still checking cell phone records..
or do you want a partner who shares with you..
and you make it safe to share...

ARK