Lets say you have tried everything you know to help make your marrige work. Counseling, communicating, trying things from the forums. Reading books about your rellationhip etc etc. Actaully trying very hard to make it work out but yet your spouse has done none of this.

I would think its safe to say that when one person is/has been working on the marriage and the other person isn't, then that would be one sided. Marraige is about both people working on it. I have repeatdly asked my wife what she wants from me and the marraige as a whole. Over and over again I get the same answer. "I want us to be together and work on things." She has done nothing nor made an effort. Her words are just words.

She did go with me to counseling awhile back and things went just ok for awhile, but then its like she just gave up on trying even though I was still doing so. I asked her why she quit counseling, and her response was she just didn't think she needed it. So my question is when do you call it quits? I'm not one to give up on things and I do believe in working things out if possible. But what if you're the only one doing the work? I just can't see that it will workout like that.


Joe

(((Joe))) One question and then I'll answer this post. In almost all the threads you've started, you mentioned that your wife is holding resentments against you, what does she resent you for?

A couple threads back Jaye made a great observation in that sometimes change in one can provoke change in another.

Hello LH, she resents me for many things. Resents me for not helping her out more with the kids. Not being there for her more emotionally. Me being a lazy a$$ and a slacker(which is true) These are things she holds resentment for and has for years! I finally got my act together and started meeting those needs.
Especailly when we were in counseling, I felt it helped me alot, my wife says she didn't think it helped her.

I changed my ways. Starting helping out more with the kids, meeting her emotinal needs, being there for her more etc. Started getting up off my slack butt and helping in all areas. We had a talk not long ago about this, and I even asked her how she thought I was doing? She point blank told me she thought I was doing a wonderful job and she was glad I made the effort to change.

However, I think this may be it right here. Not long before we ever went to counseling, she made the comment to me about wanting me to be there for her more etc, and that she didn't know if I would ever change. She then told me, if I ever did change it might be too late! Maybe thats it, maybe after all these years of her struggling with trying to get me to see what was missing in the relationship, maybe now that I do its too late. Maybe thats why she doesn't
want to try, and isn't putting forth the effort.

Sheesh looks like it would have just been easier for her to say, "I tried for years, you didn't, now that you are, its too late. Holds to much resentment." Sigh.




Joe

(((Joe)))

I’ll be honest that I don’t know your story or what has all transpired. But with what I could gather real quickly I’d like you to do something. Click on the ‘Basic Concepts’, under that go to the ‘3 States of Mind in Marriage’ and read through those paying particular attention to the state of ‘Withdrawal’ and the concept that follows that.

I would guess that you, yourself, are teetering between ‘conflict’ and ‘withdrawal’, and that your wife is firmly planted, maybe for good reason, in withdrawal.

Let me ask you another something or two.

Do you feel that you’ve done enough on a consistent basis for a sustained period of time that she should have absolutely no reservation about you helping out with the children after you have not helped for how many years?

Do you feel that you’ve done enough on a consistent basis for a sustained period of time that she should have absolutely no reservation about you being there for her emotionally after you have not been there for how many years?

Do you feel that you’ve done enough on a consistent basis for a sustained period of time that she should have absolutely no reservation about no longer being a slacker after you have been a slacker for how many years?

“””She point blank told me she thought I was doing a wonderful job and she was glad I made the effort to change.”””

That’s awesome.

”””She then told me, if I ever did change it might be too late!”””

I can see that. To me, the biggest obstacle is for her to believe the change, which I don’t believe you can over-ride 14 years in a month or even six months. I believe that with consistent and sustained actions you can guide her back into ‘conflict’ mode where she then gets willingness and then y’all join each other in ‘intimacy’….

Thanks so much I will check that out.




Joe

Joe,

I'm new here so bare with me. It sounds exactly what I'm going through. I promise that I'll do better then lose sight of the goal. Go to the library and pick up a book called "Delivered from distraction" by Hallowell. Read chapter one. I found out after 35 years I have ADD and I do the same stuff in my marriage as you.

Hello Joe,

I agree with much of what Bill said, but you might also consider taking another tack. Is it possible that your wife does not feel attracted to you the way she used to?

If your wife no longer feels the spark, I suspect she'll be less inclined to make the effort to save your marriage. Also, and this is not meant in any way as a criticism of women, women doen't always know what's really bothering them (on the other hand, neither do men). I have a feeling that if you can find a way to rekindle some of the old flames, your wife will be more interested in holding on to you.

I am very happily engaged, so I don't need dating tips, but I've been getting an email newsletter called Double Your Dating, and found some of it rather interesting. The premise preached there is that attraction is not a choice, and if you understand how to trigger attraction in women (but not by being fake or manipulative), amazing things can happen. Remember, it's not enough to be a stable, reliable provider, it's important to keep the spark alive. Try surprising your wife with something exciting and unexpected. It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive, just fun.

Good luck.