I'm having anger issues. I don't know what to do with my anger. Its the conflict avoider in me. I've always suppressed my anger.

D-Day was Feb 2005...so its about 8 months which from what I read is the normal time frame for anger to show up.

It scares me. I think about what FWH has done and I get so angry. Sometimes I can't stand to look at him. I want to scream at him but I don't. I'm frustrated by slow recovery (if it is recovery?) His actions have changed. He is DOING the right things,but says virtually nothing about A. I keep telling myself that his actions speak louder than words.

I feel like I want to tell him about my anger...but we are so early into this. His normal reaction is to listen and just look at me with a blank stare and say nothing in return. I HATE that.

I don't want to suppress my anger...it didn't work before...I need ideas on how to work through this. I don't think I can rely on FWH to help with this. I still don't think he fully gets it.

Please tell me you are in Marriage Counseling. That will help you deal with this very difficult phase. It took another 5 months for me to have enough confidence to do a true anger exercise, one that was 'overseen' by our MC and it was after that, that I finally felt like the depths of my Rage was validated and heard by my husband. That's when our true Recovery began.

Forgiveness?? I got there and got the T-Shirt.
I'm working on FORGETNESS now. I plan to conquer that one too!

Hang in there, you can get through this.

confused,

It has been 1 year and 5 days since our D-Day and I've been angry, off and on, pretty much the whole time.

I don't have a difficult time expressing emotion. In fact, I find it rather hard NOT to spread them around all over the place, whether they are happy or sad emotions. But, it isn't good to repress your feelings, either.

Recovery has been difficult for me, particularly learning how to express my feelings in a constructive manner. I've often been destructive when doing so, and I strongly regret that I didn't learn better skills.



I hate it, too. I call it the 'Scared Rabbit Look".



Anything that either of you are feeling separately and not sharing with the other can create distance. We have had a particularly difficult time with distance. When distance exists, how can you work together as a team on Recovery?

What kinds of things have the two of you been doing to work towards Recovery...just curious.

We are by no means Recovered, but we have made progress in some areas. If you share with me some of the things you are doing, maybe I could offer up some of the things that have helped us take steps forward and also some of the things that have hindered our progess.

It would be great if you could share with me some of the things that have been helpful for you, too.

One of the best things my IC had me do was to create an "anger journal". When I would feel anger building to the point that it may backfire and create a LB he wanted me to write in my journal what my thoughts were.

Now keep this in mind... you should write, not type. Use pen and paper because typing can be too passive. Physically writing is a way to get both sides of the brain to work while doing something physical at the same time. If you are not used to hand writing then your hand will most likely cramp (which is a good thing).

The purpose of the writing is to put your thoughts into motion rather than you to dwell on the same subject. It's like spinning your wheels in mud versus getting traction and making progress so that you can clear your mind.

When I first started writing I thought my IC was crazy. But before I knew it I had 8 pages written down and I felt like I had done some serious venting. It really felt good. I had about 130 pages by the time I was ready to destroy my journal.

Give it a try. I hope it helps.

10Swords,

We are not in MC right now. We tried it last year while he was in the midst of A and it was a complete waste of time. So now he is resisting MC because of that experience. I don't think we are in recovery yet..thats part of the reason my anger scares me..its not safe to vent it to him.

On a side note I am doing much better today. I went to see Keith Urban in concert last night with a girlfriend (FWH didn't want to go with me). GREAT concert, unbelievable seats I had so much fun but I wish he had come with me to share it.

I don't know if I want to fully forget...I'd like to forget the pain.I think I would like us both to remember a lesson well learned.

There are several schools of thought on whether Anger is a primary, secondary, or mixed emotion. I, happen to view it is as a secondary emotion. Therefore, when I have anger, I search for what primary emotion I am experiencing (like Fear, Sadness, Disgust, Anticipation, Joy, etc). Then work on the primary emotion and the secondary emotion, such as anger, subsides because I've treated the problem rather than the symptom.

Hi Frozen
I've peeked into Froz/patriot recovery journal from time to time I even saved Patriot's post on tips for WS.

I would say we are taking very tiny baby steps toward recovery but are no where near there yet. FWH has talked very little about A I think he is still in withdrawl I think EA built up over a long period...like 4 years. I'm not exactly sure when the line was crossed to PA. I do believe NC is now in place. and has been for several months.

Some positive things we've been doing .
We have been working on house renovation projects together.
He is telling me about his day more.
If we don't agree...we say so and discuss it.
We eat dinner as a family
Watch TV as a family.
Taking trips and doing things as a family
He is home every night.
We are planning for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
We sleep together and are intimate.

Some negative things we have stopped .

contact w/OW or her family
FWH going to meetings
Me going to meetings
FWH going out drinking after meetings
FWH sleeping on the couch
FWH gaurding cell phone
me interogating FWH when he comes home

Some things I would like us to do to work toward recovery.
Talk about A and answer my questions.
Do things as a couple(fun stuff)
Go to MC
Identify issues and address them.
Move
Give eachother more positive feedback
Talk more about general issues.

We are a lot better off now then we were this time last year. I get angry because I'm frustrated I want more. I want him to be open with me. I want to be open with him but there is still that distance. I want to close the distance but it doesn't feel like he wants to meet me half way. When I try to bring things up he says nothing or "We'll see how it goes." "I'm doing the best I can right now." I don't want him to lie and just tell me what I want to hear. I want him to take his part of the responsibility for this and talk to me so we can move on!!!

H4F, Thanks what a great idea!


I jounaled alot when FWH was WH in the midst of A and post D-day. It help tremendously. Things have quieted and I stopped journaling...I will start again. It helps document just how far we have come.

Bill,
I think you may be right.

I think a lot of my anger comes from frustration. My frustration has a lot to do with my conflict avoidance, not wanting to push an issue. Maybe I can find a way to channel that to help me "push through" CA. I'll think about that.

Thanks.

I remember this look, Confused.. I came to learn that around this time my H was feeling alot of guilt and shame about his A. I bet he is fully aware that you are ANGRY and wants to do something about it but can't, realizes that he cannot undo the past...

It helps to really, really focus on the present, making new memories and special times. Such as, "Why didn't he want to go to the concert with you?" Is there an activity through POJA that the two of you could do together?" We began flower gardening, for example...

Once you and your WH are not HURTING as much, you can more easily talk about your negative feelings...For a full year or so WE BOTH WERE THE WALKING WOUNDED....

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN DO TODAY..NOT WHAT YOU CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT....

Therefore, when I have anger, I search for what primary emotion I am experiencing (like Fear, Sadness, Disgust, Anticipation, Joy, etc).***

Fear + Anger = Rage.
Mulan

Hi mimi,
Thanks for posting.


I asked him to go with me to the concert about a month ago. "We'll see, I may be away on business then." When we found out he would be home from his business trip. He said he would stay home with the kids ask a friend to go. My FWH loves country music more than I do. I've asked him to go to the movies,to go the casino, go to concerts, go bowling, minature golf, play pool, go out to dinner (which we did for our anniversary)...he finds excuses. He'll go if the kids or other people go...it seems he doesn't want to be alone with me. I think he is afraid I'll want to "talk". I've told him that I just want to go out and do something FUN w/him. He finds excuses he's tired, he has to get up early...etc. Then I get angry because I think of all the nights he didn't mind staying out late when he was w/OW.

So we work on the house together. We hang drywall, do electrical, spakle. sand and paint, do yard work. But the kids are usually around. We get a lot accomplished, we joke and we laugh, but we are not alone. Its almost as if he won't let himself get close to me.

I've tried to tell him about MB principles, he doesn't want to hear it. Last night I left SAA under his pillow and left a note asking him to read the 1st 5 pages. I guess we'll see.

Confused:

My suggestion is to be careful about making assumptions. This may create undue anger for you. You said that you "THINK" that he is afraid of you wanting to talk... However, you don't really know why he doesn't want to be alone with you...

Maybe "back off" some..I found that my H wanted to make the first move.. You know, like when you were first dating, he asked you out...

You see, he is coming out of a "fog"..He is trying to become acclimated to the "real world" again...He used to live in a Twilight Zone that he assumed was "real"....

It has taken my H a full two years to completely come out of the fog and to act like his normal self again..I still see glimpses...

I also learned that there was a time that he did not feel "worthy" of me so felt "bad" about spending fun times with me..

Try not to compare yourself with the "OTHER WOMAN"..

There is no comparison between you and her...

You are his wife...

Their R was unhealthy..you do not want to mimic that R in any way..

Try not to be envious of his R with her...

I know this is hard to do..BEEN THERE DONE THAT...

But that is a RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU WILL NEVER FULLY UNDERSTAND even though you will want to UNDERSTAND it...

Remember...your FWH was "temporarily insane" when involved in his A...

You don't want to see that man anymore ever...

mimi,
How did you get thru to your H?
I'm fine when I'm at work. I'm fine when the kids are around. I'm fine when I'm with my friends. I'm fine when I am by myself. He is right here but I feel so alone sometimes. I miss being part of a couple.

Confused:

Do you tell him how much you APPRECIATE the positive things that you noted?

Good Morning mimi
Yes, I do tell him thank you or if he does a project how good it looks. For a long while during A he would not accept it.
If I gave him ANY kind of compliment he would get mad! "You don't mean that" So now I make subtle comments. And show interest in the project and assist him when I can. I let him over hear me on the phone telling my Mom or sister how good the project looks and how hard he worked on it. He still has difficulty facing my family. Hopefully its a LB(+)

This morning we actually coordinated our to do list, so we will be working toward the same goal.

Babysteps! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I recalled this morning that early on my FWH focused on doing FAMILY THINGS when he first came home...

It was like he was reprogramming himself after being in an alien world...

IT'S A GOOD THING, CONFUSED...

He wants to be normal again...in the real world ...instead of the fantasy world...

HAVE FUN TODAY...LAUGH A LOT...AT YOUR OWN JOKES...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We had a good weekend. Very productive around the house. There is a change in him...for the better...very subtle...eye contact is improved...the tone in his voice is more gentle. Its a gut feeling but a good one. I guess I've been on gaurd for so long waiting for relapse. I guess we'll keep taking it one day at a time.

Thanks for the support mimi. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I found myself feeling the EXACT same way as you, Confused.. I guess it's part of the RECOVERY of the BS....

I found it helpful to continue to FOCUS ON MYSELF as I did during PLAN A...I continue to do this these many years later. I focus on being the BEST WIFE possible.. I challenge myself to BLOW MY H'S MIND...

Now, in turn, he GIVES back to me...

So now I'm at the point that if he does leave or have another A or whatever, I KNOW FOR SURE that's it's not for lack of meeting his ENs....

As a sidenote, I'm a happier and better person and function better in other areas of my life...

Hang in there...

Sounds like your FWH is following the script...

He's learning to be NORMAL again and is HAPPY that you are HELPING HIM with that...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />