So most of you by now know that my wife has been having an EA with a guy from a band. You know the full story and if you don't then you can read "Trainwreck waiting to happen".

My wife and I have been married for fifteen years. I'm 32 and my wife is 30. So yes we got married when she was sixteen. Not because she was pregnant or anything like that but because I truly loved her and she truly loved me. We have two kids together a six year old daughter and a 11 year old son. We have always had a good marriage, although I worked all the time and before having our two children my wife and I had numerous pregnancy problems, which resolved themselves. I am not a very emotional man, I never cry, I'm not really romantic, and that isn't because I don't want to be, I just don't know how to be. My wife has always complained to me that I don't ever touch her other than to have sex. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Now that I'm home and arrived here all alone, she came home a little while ago and I asked her what was going on and that I want to stay and work on our marriage. I love her. She stated that she needed some time away and would not speak to me. She said they have not slept together and she also stated that she was going to continue to talk to him because I don't tell her who her friends are and I can't run her life. I'm torn. I am almost to the point to where I'm angry. I have it in my head "I'm a man dammit and you don't treat me this way, with so much disrespect, I have never done this to you and would never so why are you doing it to me". I'm destroyed. I am scared that she is going to go and meet with him and then they have a full on sexual affair. I don't know what to do to stop it. I"m heartbroken and I don't want the kids to know. This is awful.

Hey DCF,

I'm so glad you posted this thread. For now, CONTAIN YOUR ANGER. It's lost on her anyway. She'll only use it to thicken her own fog.

Have you started reading Dr. Harley's basic concepts?

Reading those will help you learn to be more demonstrative with your wife, all in good time, in the best case scenario this whole painful episode will be a wake-up call to you both.

I promise you it will get better, no matter what happens.

You have gotten some terrific advice so far, and it looks like you are doing a real good job of evaluating and using it. Good for you!

Now, I really recommend you consider getting some Individual Counseling for yourself ASAP, and I couldn't do better than to recommend you call Dr. Steve Harley at this link
Schedule a Session

Marriage Builders was so great for me because it gave me a plan, and gave me a sense of control over my own life, when I felt all the choices in my own life had been ripped away from me. My Husband and I are both huge Marriage Builders system fans, and my husband was an unrepentant, entitled adulterer when he told me the truth. He had no intention of stopping having sex with other women. (Though he hadn't gotten around to a second woman to try it with yet.)

Thanks in large part to MB I am now married to the Husband of my Dreams. Not all infidelities work out as well as ours ended up, but your best chance, I believe, is here.

Take care.
Swords

Hi again DC,

I am glad you finally started your own thread,that's good.

I went back and reread all the posts from your WW's friend.I hope we haven't overwhelmed you with all the responses yet.Many of us old folks that have been here awhile see things pretty clearly in many respects when it comes to EA/PA'S.What was clear is that this other man(OM) was a real player.You may not have seen that right away but now there are TM's that signify it to you.He sounds like a real slime too and it's bound to happen that one day your WW will wake up and see what a horrible mess she got herself into and what a loser this guy is but that can't really happen just yet.He is still "wining and dining" your WW and also, they have both now formed the classic "bond of defiance",that is,it's them against the world.They aren't doing anything wrong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />Friendships are lost,jobs are at stake,their lives start to unravel while they remain in the A.

Ultimately you have to realize that what your WW does is out of your control.What you can control is YOU.Ws's are on a downward spiral of deceit and selfishness and it's very hard to witness but what you can do is follow our plans and find **appropriate ways to handle your emotions.We can all understand the pure rage and deep sadness that you will encounter each day,we call it the rollercoaster.Every day yields many different emotions and it can be difficult to endure.

Right now,your WW blames you for everything so don't help her with that image.Do what you can to:

-help yourself cope with emotions(no LB's,DJ's)
-take care of your children
-help out around the house more and maintain it
-work on yourself and seek out professional help
-Read up on plans A/B and what they mean
-Check out our MB bookstore for some "required" reading: SAA( Surviving an Affair) and HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs)

If your WW makes the decision to actually have sex with this guy and anything else,you can't change that,I'm sorry.It's all to her detriment but you cannot stop a person from self destructing.She will have to want a reason to change and be the woman,mother and wife she needs to be and wants to be.You can try to help *prevent it by showing her a positive home life and that you care and love her.

Is this helping? Have you made an appt.with a counselor yet? Don't wait too long.

O

First off. You can't stop it. SHE has to CHOOSE what she wants to do.

She is very angry that her little fantasy world has been exposed. She does not want to think about the possible repercussions of her actions. You will not find her receptive to anything you try to do for her during this time.

You may hear terms like: It's all your fault!! You are the cause of all this! and my #1 all time favorite "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. ALL FOGBABBLE.

Be preparred for "revisionist history" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />. Example. Take any random happily married moment. Think of it in the worst possible way and have the "poor" W the victim of an "abusive / overbearing / clueless / etc..." H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Don't be surprised if the kids already know that something is going on. The wee ones are very perseptive about what is going on between the parents. They may not know WHAT is going on but i'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that they already realize SOMETHING is.

Your enemy in this is not the OM. It is the A. A's thrive in darkness / denial. You kill A's by exposeing them to the light.

Your marriage can survive your W's temporary anger. It cannot survive and ongoing A.

Stay strong. Your children will need you to.

A question for the experts: Is it time for exposure to her family and friends? I gather the emails were explicit enough to leave no doubt as to what was happening.

Another thing, Plan A is difficult. It means shining like a lighthouse of goodness and love to lead her from the darkness, evil, and fog back to the sactity of your marriage. You will have to be strong, again no LOVE BUSTING (LBs) and no Disrespectful judgements of her.

When she is home you take control of your emotions and act happy. Keep the warmth and security of the homefires burning. Make your home a more pleasant and wonderful option than being out with the other man. This may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Do it for the love you have for your real wife (not this alien), for your children, and for your yourself.

A great way to Plan A a wayward wife is to be demonstrative and loving toward the children. Don't tell her you love her much if at all because she will suspect you're trying to manipulate her. But give a lot of love and tenderness and care to the kids. She will understand that your affection Could include her, if she can make the right choice. Get it?

Take care.

Hi DC,

I am glad you are in this forum. Tranquil is a good friend to you and your wife. I have given some thought about your situation and here is my take.

1. You are going to have to develop some BACKBONE. Believe it or not, this is war. To save your M, you are going to have to be strong and resolute, for your WW will not give up her addiction without a fight. And yes she is addicted as evinced by her sending 500 text messages in a week, talking on the phone for hours with OM, and sending and receiving pictures from the guy. So you must realize that she will not come to her senses on a dime. She will try to hold on to what she feels entitled to, namely, being able to have an A (EA?) while being married with you.

It will be your job to put your foot down and let her know that you are not interested in a marriage of three. You did not sign up for this; you will not put up with it. You must muster the courage to stand for what is right for yourself, your M, and your CHILDREN.

2. No matter what happens from now on, DO NOT MOVE OUT FROM YOUR HOUSE. That is the worst mistake you can make. You cannot work on your M or protect your children if you are not in your home. Moreover, if you move out, the EA will surely proceeds to PA and pretty soon OM will be having sex with your WW in your own home. This happens all the time. Moving out to appease your WW will bring nothing but more trouble to your sitch, i.e., situation. Let her rant all she wants, let her move out if she wants, but you don’t. And if she does move out, she goes by herself. Do not let her take the children with her if you guys separate.

3. Be clear of what your GOALS are here. They are to save your M and protect your CHILDREN. It follows then that you are not in the business of APPEASING your WW. She is already trying to take the high moral ground while she is clearly in the wrong. Accept none of it. I will suggest on how to bust her fantasy below, but for now trying to accommodate your WW is not your main concern, saving your M and protecting your CHILDREN should be your main focus. Thus, do not let her manipulate you in accepting her EA with her tantrums. Trying to appease her at this point is dangerous since her TAKER is in full mode and all she wants is take, take, and take.

4. Plan A

A. Bust Up the A.

i. Expose to her family. It is important to shine a light on her actions. She will be furious at you, but exposing will put a crack in her fantasy-filled EA and exposed it for the sleazy ordeal that it is. If her family are skeptical of your claims, ask them to explain to you how is it ok for your married wife to be sending 500 text messages, talking for 6 hours on the phone, and sending and receiving pictures to an unmarried man in one week! Explain to them that you just want to save your M and are asking for their help in this endeavor.

ii. Enlist your best friend help. Have him put you in touch with OM’s family or STBXW and expose to them. People around him need to know what kind of shenanigans he is up to. Hire a PI if you must to find out what you must about him.

Further, see if your friend can kick him out of the band. It is not right for your best friend to be socially involved with this guy when he is actively trying to destroy your family. See what your buddy thinks.

iii. Let your WW know that you will not accept any form of friendship between her and that jerk. Mere friends do not send 500 text messages—including inappropriate sexual innuendos messages—to each other, talk for obscene amount of hours, exchange pictures with one another and try to hang out together. H*ll, your wife kissed the guy on the neck and wondered what he thought of it. To make matters worse, the OM told you best friend that he intends to screw your W and possibly still her from you. These are not the actions of friends. Lay out the facts as delineated above to her and see how she reacts.

Further, although she will deny that she is doing anything wrong, she knows better. The key is not to let her make you think that you are doing something wrong by trying to bust this A. So when you talk with her, she will try to frame the situation as you trying to control her and curtailing her freedom. You, on the other hand, would want to frame it as not about her right to have friends and with whom, but rather that the facts clearly indicate that she and the guy are not just MERE friends. Or if they are, they have cross the line to what is acceptable. You will not lie down and do nothing while people try to destroy your family. Tell her what you best friend told you about OM’s intention with your WW. You just can’t accept this kind of friend who’s intent on destroying your M.

B. The Second part of Plan A is to learn what your WW’s NEEDS are and try to meet them. You have a lot of work to do. Take the NEEDS questionnaire on this site and learn as much as you can about your wife. You not only have to be strong (to deal with her upcoming shenanigans), you have to become the HUSBAND she always wanted you to be. So the time for taking her for granted is over. You must do your part and step up to the plate. You have to start treating her the way she deserves to be treated.

In this connection, it is important to learn about Love Busters (LBs). It is easy to slide from standing up for yourself to gratuitously calling your WW all sorts of nasty names. Don’t do this. It would only hurt your cause and your soul. Remember, the goals here are to save your M and protect your CHILDREN, not merely to appease your emotions as you may feel the need to explode from time to time. If you need to vent and even curse, come and do it here. We are here for you, and it will be ok with us, but don’t do it to or with your WW. In short, learn about LBs so you don’t end up doing them too much in your sitch.

5. Don’t rely on TM anymore, for she is a woman. It is a MB truism that BSs should not seek or get solace from someone of the opposite sex while experiencing marital difficulties. TM is a true friend, but for now her help to you must be limited. We are here for you and will help you go through this. Rely on us instead.

6. In the same vein, before making any DRASTIC MOVE (e.g., moving out) or promises, come vet it with us. We have seen this type of situation millions of times before and would be glad to advice where appropriate to help you in your sitch. I know that your emotions are very high right now, but let us think this through with you, lest you make a move that drastically hurt your cause.

7. Don’t discuss separation with your wife. If she says she wants space, as Mel is fond of saying, tell her that she can go to the bathroom and have all the space she wants in there. On a serious note, if she broaches the subject of separation, tell her you have no interest in the demise of your M. What you want to know is what you (both of you) are going to do to keep and protect your family. This is what you are interested in discussing, not separation.

8. As others have suggested get IC and maybe MC ASAP. Try the Harleys if you can.

9. Look up at other sitches in this forum. You can learn a lot from seeing what others have gone through or are currently experiencing. I suggest you check out Gramm’s thread. Although his sitch is not in the same stage as your case, there is a lot that can be learned from reading his sitch.

I see a lot of hope in your case but you must be decisive and you must act now. Best Wishes.

MOVED FROM OTHER THREAD--SORRY




This is something Owl posted above. Exposure is part of Plan A and needs to be done strategically. Exposure is done mostly in one swoop. You come up with a strategy that we can assist you with. You need a list of who you plan to expose to and what you intend to say. You DO NOT discuss this or threaten exposure to WW or OM as this may give them a chance to minimize it's effects. If they are forewarned they will likely call or tell their friends and family to expect a call from this lunatic jealous husband. They will paint themselves as just "friends" to whom you are overreacting. Thus do not give the enemy your battleplan.

Do you fear exposure??? Definitely. Your wife will go through the roof...however, affairs thrive in secrecy. Your marriage can survive her anger but it can not survive an on-going and ever deepening affair. I for one did not expose to my family as they had no influence over my wife's actions and would be of no use busting up the affair. So your list should include only those persons that may have an effect on the affair. If your mother is close with WW then include her...if not, don't.

You may consider doing exposure in two stages. Immediately do the persons closest to WW and OM. His and her family and friends and especially OMSTBXW (OM soon to be XW). The conversation with OMSTBXW is especially important as you want to get as much dirt on OM as possible. Try not to reveal this information but it can help later when pointing out his flaws to OM or assist in any custody battle. The 2nd exposure will be done later, without forewarning, practically telling the world.

On that custody note, I am a part-time tax attorney (I own businesses now also). I am not a divorce attorney...but I often advise on these boards about protecting your backside. You should never discuss divorce while in the Marriage Builder plan. You do marriage and that is your only focus as far as your wife is concerned.

However, behind the scenes you must protect yourself and your children. This includes at least a consultation with an attorney. Then when your wife discusses divorce, if ever, you direct her to your attorney. Let the attorney's handle any divorce discussion.

You must also begin a journal or two. One journal may be for your personal feelings, pains and strategies. Include the things you find on here which strike you. The 2nd more important journal is the custody journal. In it you must document everything you are doing and she is not for your children. For a man to obtain primary custody of his children you must begin immediately compiling the evidence necessary to convince a judge you are the responsible parent and custody with you is in the children's best interest. You are not using custody as a punishing tool but obtaining custody will certainly be a magnet for pulling your wife out of the fog of an affair. You may think I am jumping the gun here but what can it hurt to start thinking of these things right now. You need something to occupy your mind with now anyway.

Finally, you are not 2nd best to this guy. Try not to keep doubting yourself. These situations have a way of bringing up any and all of those latent insecurities. This is not your high school girlfriend dumping you all over again. Your wife was chosen for you by God. She is God's perfect gift to you and you are #1 in God's eyes. Do not doubt yourself. Stay strong...you will make it...with or without your wife...you will make it. Almost all marriages survive affairs (maybe 90%) and most marriages end up as better marriages after these situations are resolved. I am now in a better marriage. April 26th was the worst day of my life but slowly it is become one of the best days of my life as well.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

P.S. - So I suppose you'll be rooting for the Cowboys this coming Sunday against my Detroit Lions. Despite how much the Lions have always sucked we seem to always beat you guys up...hopefully this week will be more of the same.

Mr. Wondering: Of COURSE he's going to be rooting for da 'Boys this weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> All good Texans will be glued to the screen Sunday afternoon...and then Thursday too.

For Fan, hang in there, pardner. It's likely to be a rocky ride for a while, but you've shown you're a stand up guy already. You did exactly the right thing busting up her little evening out with Band Boy. (Did it occur to her just being there with him instead of with her kids and you was wrong, wrong, wrong?)

For a time, you might have to take a stance of protecting yourself and your children from someone who isn't herself just now. She's going to throw temper tantrums all over the place and you're going to have to let them roll off you like water and feed her love in return. It isn't going to be easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is. You're working to keep the marriage intact. Tell her that often.

I'll echo what others have already said. Do NOT ever again leave the house because she's pissed. (That's Texas lingo for "mad" for the uninitiated out there.) Let her leave if she thinks she's got to, but the kids stay home, period.

Again, tough times ahead, Fan. Stay with it and you'll come out the other end intact, one way or the other.

Go Cowboys! Beat the kitty cats! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

DcowgirlsFan,

Everytime your WW screams and yells at you it is a sales pitch. She is trying to manipulate you to keep quiet, go with the flow, give her time and space, etc. Do not be sold!!! She is not your wife right now. She is a wigged out, fogged out Wayward Wife.

She will threaten to leave you, separate, divorce. She will likely tell you you are doing everything wrong. She will misdirect you on how to win her back. Every move you make will be criticized as the final straw. The control statements posted above will definitely come out. She will accuse you of caring only because she is "your property".

Do not be sold these lines of crap. You can not teach her, she must come to her own conclusions, but do not believe a thing she says right now. Just be quiet and listen. Listen and ask pointed questions. "Act" like the husband you wish you had always been and do not "react" to her.

This concept is very hard to get at first. Your wife has always been trusted and your best friend. Neither are the case now. Trust yourself and the marriage builder plan to get your real wife back.

Mr. Wondering

I think things are about to get very ugly around here. I called up her mother and told her mother and father both that she was having an EA, her mother was both angry and shocked. I called my parents and told them, my mother was very sympathetic but my mother also said "Kick that ****** out and come stay with me, but bring the kids and give her nothing". My mother isn't a very understanding person. I also told some of our bible study friends as well. I am not going to take this lying down.

However she came home over three hours ago and went off on me telling me that I was stupid for confronting them, that if I had of just left it alone that she wouldn't even contemplate sleeping with him but now she is. She went into our room and took off her wedding rings and threw them on the floor. She grabbed an overnight bag from the closet and shoved some things in there and told me she was leaving. I told her that I was not going to leave that I was going to stay here and tend to the children and the house. I told her that I love her and that I will always love her and I want to work on the marriage. To which she rolled her eyes at me and told me to pretty much ****** off. That hurt! I kept quiet though.

I told her that if she must leave for awhile to gather her senses and thoughts then I support her and I will be here to work on the marriage, but if she came back that she was to have NC with the OM and I was not going to have it any other way. Those are my boundaries.

I have contacted a work related counseling services and I have an appointment on Monday. I have also contacted children's counseling services in case my children will need assistance because I have never seen my wife act this vicious with me. In all the years we have been together she has never talked to me like that and it hurts. I don't want a divorce. I want to fight for my marriage. I have also contacted the OM's soon to be ex wife who incidentally is my best friend (band leaders) sister. They are now talking about removing him from the band as well. At least I have my best friend for support and the support of others. Thankyou guys I sure need it. I'm absolutely shell shocked.

If her cell phone is in your name, shut it off.

Why would you financially contribute to her affair....right?

I lurk on SI and will also read on two other sites. I have a SI profile if you're interested.

I think your wife is posting on loveshack.com, this sounds like your story.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t74766/

I'm so sorry.

~Roxane

Ok, you are getting some good advise but I just couldn't resist a commit:

Why do you set yourself up for such pain?

More seriously:
Us Texas girls just love you rednecks, but then we expect you to romance like James Bond. Women like to feel desirable without feeling like the man is just trying to get something in return. A long sweet kiss, a back massage, a tender carress, etc in passing without any strings attached. The OM makes your wife feel desirable and gives her the thrill of something dangerous. Pick sometime when you have about 5 minutes alone with your wife. (Say in the hallway where the kids could walk in or in the car at soccer practice.) Touch her, carress her, get her good and hot. Then tell her you love her as you look her in the eye and leave to do your errands. She will be so PO'd that you caught her off guard, but I bet the excitement will bring her back for more. What is she going to do, complain to the OM that you turned her on?

It sounds like it may be awhile before you get a chance to try my suggestion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />It's good you have the support of your friends and family. Don't let your mother talk you out of trying to save your marriage.

Hang in there. It's going to be a long tough haul, but you and your marriage can make it.

Thankyou for the advice about touching my wife and looking in her eyes but she won't even let me talk to her much less touch her. I tried to hug her before she left and she pushed me away.

As for the poster that posted that link, that does sound awfully familiar. It could be her. I am not certain. I would have to read it all and right now I am so emotionally drained. I feel like a ton of bricks were dropped on me.

Dude...that situation over on LS is her...there is no way that it's not. Don't sit there in denial friend.

I too hang out over there...so should be interesting if she responds to my post.

Yeah, sounds like the typical reaction to exposure. The very intensity of her "over the top" reaction is proof positive the affair WAS getting more serious. She wouldn't get this upset if you asked her to cut off contact with one of her girlfriends.

I'm no expert but here are my opinions.

Good on you for involving her family. It will shock her to hear her parents are upset with her. In the short run, it will also make her madder than a rabid dog. You need to understand that YOU are going to be the cause of everything in the world that goes wrong in the near future. If it rains tomorrow, it's your fault. If there's another earthquake in Pakistan, you caused it. If she gets stopped for speeding...well, you see how it is. Pretty soon, she'll find justification for what she's been doing in various slights, oversights, lack of understanding, etc...either real or imagined...for the whole time you've been married. Plan for it, get set for it and roll with the punches.

Get with your MC and ask her to attend. Be sure the counselor is supportive of marriages. There are varying grades of counselors too. Find a well qualified one. Some of them will listen to you and make up their minds on the pronosis of your problems and deliver a decision as if from on high. That's not what you want. You need a counselor who'll provide a forum for free expression and show you and your wife the right way to get through this.

woah.. owl, did you just post on loveshack to her! I think that may turn her head in circles!!!! i hope it helps cowboyfan, he really wants to make this marriage work. I think it was wise choice...MB posters are friends in a circle.

Owl,

Yes that's my wife. I can't believe that. She was struggling with it already and knew what his intentions were or at least suspected it and now she does this. I am very angry at this point. Sad and angry. I will be calm but that really angers me.

Tried calling her to see if she would be willing to go out with the kids and I to dinner tonight. I wanted to make reservations at the Italian Restaurant she loves so much, but she won't pick up her phone or answer my texts.

Darn good thing the Owl is so shy and retiring huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Those were some good questions for her on LS, you little ol' raptor, you.