hmmm what if other MB posters went to LM to let her know she needs to focus on working on her marriage, and defend cowboyfan anonomously..would it draw her to make the wise choice of her marriage and tell this guy where to go!!!!!!

Cowboyfan,,
i would do my best to make a point to have a night she wont forget! candles,,, dinner,,, massages..total attention and try something new and possibly daring!!!

Goodluck..

My wife finally called back. In tears I might add. She said she is confused and upset and not sure what is going on and she feels sick. She did agree to with myself and the kids out to dinner, but then my mom called and said she would take the kids for me so I could try and repair things with my wife or at the very least get to the bottom of it.

I think what I will do is take her to dinner then take her for a walk in the park under the stars and just let her talk. I have never really paid much mind to her because I have always been so busy with work. I think she has a lot to say and if I'd just be more attentive and listen to her then maybe we can finally get somewhere.

She swore to me that she has not talked to 'him' today at all. That he tried to call her this morning but she didn't pick up and this does jive with her phone records because I looked up on her account and there is an incoming to her phone from his cell phone but she sent it straight to voice mail. There have been no outgoing calls whatsoever and not texts. Well incoming from him but no outgoing from her. So maybe this is getting somewhere.

Marriage counselor in the Dallas area:
I highly recommend Michelle Kopfer in Carrollton, or you can contact the Caring ministry at Bent Tree Bible Church and they can give you a list for the Dallas area with rates.

That's great. Make sure you print out the Affair FAQ's on this site. My wife & I didn't find them until she had been in the misery of withdrawal for 4 weeks but they just helped us both so much. Also get Surviving an Affair and HNHN from this site. They will help.

Maybe she is not too far gone. That's great news. But be aware the confusion will turn to depression real fast. Those FAQ's will show you both what is happening and that will be the key to your sanity and survival over the next few weeks.

Go Go Go. TranquilMoon for President!!!!

You should see me chase mice! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That sounds like good news, DCF!!! And I think you've got the right idea...time for you to shut up and listen. It's time to be a duck...whatever she says, do NOT let it ruffle your feathers...let it all roll off. You can SAY that you're hurt, but you can't really show her just HOW hurt you are just yet. Right now the focus needs to be on listening to what she's got to say, non-judgementally. Listen, respond back in small ways (like repeating what she's said) to show her that you ARE listening. And HEARING.

See what she's got to say tonite. Plan A time at it's best. I had this talk with my wife the day she didn't get on the plane to go live with OM. It was painful, but it was also informative. It helped me to see what needed to be done to fix the problems.

Good news, DCF. Lots of potential here. Like Owl said, be calm and don't overreact. BE the duck. I wonder if you shouldn't let your wife know the kids won't be there? Is this a good time to spring surprises on her?

Can someone else comment on that? It's in my mind, she might be counting on the kids as a buffer to ease her way back into a dialogue with her husband.

Agree Longhorn. She doesn't need to feel deceived and ambushed right now. I'd ask her if it's OK no Kids. And do just listen to her irrational venting.

If you get the chance to take that walk in the park. Take her hand if she'll let you. Keep walking and listening.

My wife and I still hold hands while we're walking the fields. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Remember to be the duck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Good luck tonight.

I changed the plans. I am taking the children along with us. Because that thought had come to mind too and she is a great mother. I have always admired her for being the great mother that she is and she has always been a very good wife to me, and even though she is doing this and we're going through this I know that great wife is still there.

I won't be judgemental. I will mirror her words back to her as a way of reassuring her that I am listening and I do understand what she is saying. I won't try to be the problem solver. She HATES THAT. She says thats why she never talks to me too is because I don't listen, I want to solve all her problems. Well not tonight. Tonight it's all about her.

After we get home we'll both put the kids to bed together, something we haven't done in a long time. I bought her favorite wine and I didn't buy roses, because to me that is a symbol that you're in the dog house, but I did buy have her watch repaired today and I finally got her grandmother's (deceased) ring sized for her finger. I had made promises to do it a year ago, but instead chose to work all this time. I see where I went wrong. It takes two.

Dcowboys,

While I think it's great you are acknowledging your contributions to problems in the marriage, PLEASE do not take any blame for her actions okay?

SHE has to hit the point where she recognizes her actions were wrong and fully her fault - it may take a bit, but it's essential to her own recovery...

You can apologize for your contributions, but if she tries to blame you for how she ended up with OM, remind her that those are her actions, and you are not to blame for them...but you are sorry that she had felt so neglected, alone, etc (whatever she felt) and remember too - she may be exagerating, but it's always good to look at some of those things to better the marriage...

Just don't let her put blame on you okay? don't let her - it wont help her in the long run.

Owl,

Where did you get that cool picture??

It's good to have a face to go with the name. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

DCF,

Pray for sun – prepare for rain.

Be prepared for anything this evening. Anything from renewed commitment to suggestions of separation. It’s better to pray for sun but prepare for rain. Don’t go to diner completely overwhelmed with bright lights and better days.

Please also have in mind that solutions and answers won’t just pop out tonight. You guys will be solving this for months – even years. You have to be very brave now and the voice of reason. If she starts laying out blame but is willing to reconcile then don’t overemphasize being right. Accept the blame with something like “Ok, that might be right. I may have done this wrong but I really have to think about it.”

You guys will hopefully go to MC and over time the truth will come out. Look at this like a war: It’s OK to loose an occasional battle or skirmish as long as you win the war.

Nice advice Bigger.

The first step is to get her back home and if possible looking at this site starting with the affair FAQ's THey will help her and you in the days ahead.

You may have facilitated the environment that allowed her affair but it was her choice to do this.

DCF,

We're waiting to hear from you. How did things go last night? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Did you get the family walk in the park? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Dear DCF,
Its great you have found a place that w/w is posting. Use this to your advantage to listen to what she is thinking, without letting her know that you are doing it. Awsome way to monitor what is going on.

What a great start fixing her grandmother's ring and the bottle of wine.

Plan A your [censored] off tonight.

K.D.'s Heartbreak

Stole the picture off the internet...it was an amazing likeness to myself in real life...ROFL!

I've been known as Owl for years in various guises...long story behind the name, and none of it has anything to do with me being 'wise'...in fact, you'll find that the one virtue I feel that I don't have is wisdom.

DCF-

Really hope things are going better for you my friend!

Hi all,

Last night was pretty good. We went out to Outback Steakhouse and had a very good family dinner. We hadn't been out in awhile and so it was real good for the family. Then we came home and read the kids bedtime stories an put them to bed. My wife then came in here and I told her to pour herself a glass of wine. I lit some candles and turned on some of her favorite music, and told her to sit down that I had something for her. I gave her her grandmothers ring, which fit, her face lit up. Then she started to talk and tell me everything about the OM.

Turns out that she did have a pique of interest in him but that she was quickly getting scared because she realized how much she had to lose. She threatened me with sleeping with him because I overstepped her boundaries and humiliated them both at the band practice. She accepts full responsiblity for it all and has blamed nothing on me.

We will be going to counseling together and individually. Everything looks to be on the up and up. I talked to my best friend and they are asking this guy to leave the band. I'm glad I have the support of friends and the friends on this board. Though my wife is very depressed now. Not sure what to do about that.

Awesome

Ms. Moon saved the day, however, I advise you again not to discuss her for awhile. Your wife already feels like you overstepped you boundaries (she's slightly fogged out). Give it time before you even mention Ms. Moon. She is her friend and reconciling with her is your wife's issue.

Patience...Patience...Patience. You are off to such a good start and it does not appear you can mess this one up but recovery of even a slightly fogged out wife takes some time. She is going to miss the way OM made her feel about herself and when you try to do it she will at first feel as though you are being fake. Give her time to trust your new behavior as well and try to time her likely mood swings the next few weeks.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Excellent. This is great. Now the trick is to find out why she let herself be interested in him at all, even to the point of being just slightly piqued. I’m so very happy to see the two of you are going to get some professional counseling.

Don’t forget your good friend, Tranquilmoon, pardner. She apparently took considerable abuse doing the right thing. It’s impossible to say now, but take a look at a random sampling of the threads on this site and wonder how many of them would have turned out better if a really good friend had taken steps to nip the EA/PA in the bud. Frankly, Tranquil is a fantastic a friend of your marriage. We should all be as standup as she is.

DCF,

I think you should still purchase His Needs/Her Needs off the main website here. I bought it on a CD and my wife and I listened to it on a roadtrip. It covers much of the book Surviving an Affair, so you can probably forego that book for HNHN. It will give you a roadmap for a succesfull loving marriage.

Mr. Wondering

Go Lions...If we win don't think I won't be back here gloating...If the Lions lose, don't think I won't be ignoring this thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />