I am sick and tired of this, I am sick of wondering if I'll ever recover from this pain?, I am sick of wondering if I'll ever find the man that will bring me joy and children?, I am sick of this uncertainty, I am sick of watching how the nice cute guy gets sweept off his feet by some girl that is not ready for commitment or for love and they end up breaking the nice guys heart.And here you are almost pointing at yourself saying I'M HERE, I'M AVAILABLE, I'M READY.

I am tired of trying and trying and trying and trying. Here I am stuck in limbo, sitting on some rock waiting for the fog to go away. And I just hate it, I hate life! I hate my husband! I want to see him 6 feet under for all the pain he has caused!

I hate to be here trying to be the nice one and thinking I'll end up being like all those women that were not able to have children because they got old too quick and are still single and looking less fabulous and less flawless!!!!

Why me???? why????????????????? Where is that man that will come and make me feel loved for once and for all???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

I am tired of being nice!!!!!! I swear I want to throw myself to a car and just never wake up!! What's the use of living??? What is this sick game called life????

I am tired of being pretty, the nice girl, the descent woman, the woman that never turned around to look at other man than her husband, the girl that believed that her husband was sent from heaven ... the scum is Lucifer its self!!!!

Why are we even here? It's pathetic to each time click on the DIVORCE/DIVORCING section. It's sick to try to give advice when I don't even know what to do every morning. I hate Saturdays and Sundays, I dread them! I feel so down, so sad, so sick while H was probably partying with some worthless peace of crap girl that thinks she is all that and has at last found a nice,cute and stable man with money!! She thinks she won the lotto!! What I hate the most is that she actually thinks she did win the lotto!! To find a single man that makes good money and getting a divorce?? She is probably thinking: Poor guy, she was probably a b-h AND HE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE SELLING THE IDEA!!!!!

(With devilish voice) I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!

I made him somebody!! He owes it all to me!!! He was a nobody before me!!!

The worthless man still defends his ex wife and all because she left him and treated him like the human trash he is, while me, his second STB 2nd XW was trying to give him a home, stability, a family, dogs, work ... why??????????????

Now I am not worthy of a second chance just because he was tired and wanted to live life?!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

(Screaming to the world and to H) HOW DARE YOU LEAVE THIS WOMAN? I HATE YOU!!!! I HATE YOU!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I want to ... I want my husband back God, please, please, somebody, where is my husband? where is he?

At this point I have now started to cry confussed as to why do I still want this man that has caused me soooo much pain.

Why? When does it stop? Where is the love of my life? Why is he taking so long to arrive? Where is that man? Where? ... where?

Someone? give me hope that love is out there.
[color:"blue"] [/color]

Wow, there's a lot of emotion in your post. I'm so sorry to read it. I grew up in a Christian family and I know you don't want religion thrown at you. But I went to a bible study last night, I didn't need God and wound up in a crazy marriage with alcohol, violence, the works. I'm 37 - and you are young in comparison. I was so angry, how dare he? I didnt' marry him until I was 32, I lost the last five years. I did have a baby with him, didn't mean to get preg but he's the love of my life. We are separated, I'm about to divorce him, it's all very sad. I'm done with the angry stage, and the meeting last night made me realize how far I've come. Just six months ago I was crying out like you - why, why, why? I blamed my ex for everything and especially my loss of a dream, of the marriage and family I thought I should have by now. The study last night was about shattered dreams. You have to face those shattered dreams, even if you cry out with emotion before moving on. But you chose at this point to either become a bitter old woman - and at your age it can happen, or you choose to learn from it and move on. You are only 31, that is very young. Many women have children like I did at 36 and even later in life if that's what you want. You have plenty of years left. Somehow if you can get to the point of forgiveness and find some peace in your life you'll find the right person. At this state you are in, it would be unhealthy to meet someone and you likely know that. There are ways to keep from feeling so lonely - church of course, support groups in the real world, exercise, coffee shops, classes, calling friends, starting new hobbies. When I was so angry I didn't even want to leave my apartment, I felt so doomed. My dad was dying on top of a separation, my husband was being such a pig. I was depressed obviously, now I know as I've snapped out of it. But I forced myself. Started with exercise dvds and worked out at night rather then sitting around drinking and being sad. I went to church. Called friends. Went to a counselor. Rode my horse again. Finally I realized there was a future for me. The faith I grew up with was handy as I could have the peace of mind that God has a future for me, even though I made a bad marriage choice, even though I messed up too... life would go on. I now read my Bible every day, I find positive books to read, even bought some meditation dvds and a mat, I do some yoga to unwind before bed and to get rid of any anger... I have good and bad days. But I hope that you can't find your way out of your anger stage and can look forward to enjoying life again. Yes there is suffering, yes good people suffer, but it's where you go from here that matters - it can make or break you.

Hi HT,

I hear ya.

This will pass. You'll go through all this, hurt, heal, and survive. I know how badly this sucks. Have you considered counceling? Might be a good time with all the changes in your life... help you get through it all and get some focus on your life? The sooner you process this all, the sooner you have a chance to start over. IC might help expedite the situation. I wish I could offer more. Please take care of yourself! - Dru

I could have written much of your post. Similar sitch. If you're feeling what I'm feeling, then "this too shall pass" and "trust in God" suggestions might be a bit too lame. No matter how many times I tell myself these things I don't feel better and it doesn't help. It just gets worse.

I don't have any advice for you. I have no idea how to stop the pain, or to get on with life. If I did, I would. But I'm writing to say I feel your pain. And your anger.

Have you considered the Witness Protection Program? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

HI Hope,


{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hopetexas}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Most of us can relate to your pain... I'm sorry you're going through this... it will pass... It wouldn't hurt to get some "mild" meds to help you during these types of times...

You need to put your hope in something other than your H... having a baby (you do have plenty of time) etc....

Look at it this way... WHEN you DO find that perfect man... whether it is your returning H or someone else after your D is final..... All this will feel like a bad dream....
Remember your last bad relationship before your H?

And finally.... seek the Lord first...and all these things will be given to you....

GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK

Hope,

I agree and Amen.. This process Stinks and that's all I can say for now!

Hope,
I too experienced many of the same emotions that you did. It is so hard when we realize that our so-called American dream has been shot full of holes just like the county line road sign. It hurts. Its scary. Yep...we live in a broken world that is filled with broken people. All this is true and all of your feelings are valid. The key...I feel, is dealing with them in an as effective and healthy manner that you can. I will tell you what helped me. I drew closer to family and friends...not just acquaintances, but true long time friends. They didnt really understand, nor did I expect them to, but they did listen and they tried to help. It was the effort I appreciated and was important to me. I drew close to my faith and my church. The healing that took place as a result even amazes me to this day and I am so thankful. You mentioned dogs. Well, let me tell you, my dogs have had such a healing effect on me that I truly dont know where I would be without them. The unconditional love that our pets offer are a real blessing in this storm.
Here's the thing Hope......God doesnt want us to be victims. He wants us to heal and be victors. He has great plans for the blessings he plans to bestow on those of us that have had our marriages ripped apart. There are blessings to come. As soon as you can, start thanking God for the blessings to come. Thats right...thank him in advance. That is faith...faith that he is going to bless those like us. Dont limit him in what he can do for you.
A previous poster mentioned..."this too shall pass." A friend of mine told me that when I was really down to....it was so comforting to hear. I held onto those words and it was true!
I am in a good place right now emotionally. I know that you can get there too. It just takes faith and perseverance. Allow God to take the evil that has come into your life and use it for his purpose. He will....and you will benefit. We dont know yet how, when, or where you will be blessed, but through faith you will be. I may not know a lot...but I do know this to be true.
I will keep you in my prayers.

Just another BS that wanted confirm that all you are feeling is "normal"..It hurts like **** especially when they keep opening the wound..I've screamed these same words and I'm alot older than you. I blamed mid-life crises, to too much money too fast, to myself for my WH infidelities..

I will accept part of the blame that I didn't see it coming, that I didn't respond quick enough..that I wasn't meeting his EN - (probably becoz) I didn't know what they were..he never met my needs either..but, I got fullfillment elsewhere, did I think he'd cheat w/every tramp in town??? Did I think he'd demoralize me like this in our business???NO...
I just thought he was happy doing what he wanted and I had my outside interests too..that we still had dinner together, vacations, friends, family, looked like the typical happy couple.
I thought thats what he required and being a conflict avoider I lived this way..

When I became suspicious and people were "talking" I started checking on him..I truly believed if I caught him red handed he'd stop - heck that only made him worse..He went further down the infidelity path and didn't want anything to do w/a marriage to me.


Yep, That's how I felt too..and God forbid when I did start to look or flirt (when thru sheer insecurity - I went in the mode of "if you don't want me - watch - other guys may"..Let's just say - that was wrong too..

With some guys you just can't have "what you want"..You get what they give and that's all there is...

I still almost 3 years into this have the feelings you are venting..It's hard we don't understand or accept that someone we loved and trusted could turn so far, far away from us..

I think the only way to "have it pass" it to move out and away from the insanity..I haven't done that yet, but I am working towards that goal. I think if I move out I won't have the good days/bad days with him, those times only cause me confusion and uncertainty.

Honey - all this is very painful and I do believe it gets better and I hope it happens soon for many of here that are "stuck" emotionally.

Like other posters said - try and keep busy use the time you aren't with him to build new freindships, renew old ones, and do something nice for others..It's very rewarding and just makes you feel "good" when the WH makes you feel like crap...

HUGS

Hope-

I just want you to know that there are definitely good, nice men that feel the exact same way you do...they have been through much the same sitch as you have, and have asked many of the same questions regarding the fairer sex as well...

So don't give up hope. There is someone out there who will be perfect for you when the right time comes. Be patient.

TM

Dear all:

Thank you Friends for your support. I appreciate every single word & every phrase.

With my Father arriving on Friday I've had to pull myself together and stop being a little girl. I've been feelinf better since I posted this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I won't lie, I have mixed feelings,sometimes I'm listening to the radio and singing and all of a sudden when I have to take a bridge that crosses me from I-45 to the otherside; I start looking down, so I close my eyes and think "what if?" and it makes me feel free of any pain and fear but it's for a second and when I open my eyes I think "He is not that important" I deserve better than this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I have considered taking "vitamins", I prefer to call them that way, saying the word medication just makes me think of how little did my husband understand when I had to take them the first time and I'm afraid many man could not understand this either -Yeah, Psycho GF here, open the door honey!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Anyways, in 6 days I'll be able to choose my best medical option and then I'll make my appointment.

[color:"blue"] [/color] I am trying to believe that there is someone out there, but there's no single men after 30 that know what they want.I was lied to since the beginning of my marriage and I fell for it all.It would be nice to drink coffe and chat with a nice guy, and feel like the most beautiful woman in the world ... again. Wouldn't that be nice? Ooooooh the Love!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"] [/color] I am no longer living with H. What makes this situation chaotic is that Houston being so big I had found a new job 10 minutes away from where "I" used to live, it took me 60 minutes to drive from old job to home, but just when I had found the perfect job, the perfect hours, the perfect medical coverage .. he brakes my heart and dreams.

I thank God for having this job, but some how it makes no sense anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />. I thank God for helping me find a place to live 15 mins away from my new job, but my heart breaks knowing that I am one exit away from my old drive home <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> . I thank God that I knew what it was to love but I gave my virginity to the wrong man <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> .I thank God for allowing me to see this man with love but I forgot to wear eye glasses <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> . I thank God for the passion and desire I had for this man but I forgot that I was a woman too .I thank God for the patience I had to please him but I forgot that I was once an individual. I thank God for the new family he had given me but I forgot I already had one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> (Sorry Mom, Dad, brother and sister) .I thank God for what ever may come but please God, whatever you do allow me to be in a better spiritual level to accept love and fogive when the time is right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I would love to go for a coffee with all of you.It would be nice to have something to look for once or twice a week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There's a community I've discovered called the MEETUP.COM group, this is for people all around the country,they are support groups and people actually meet.I'm in the Divorce group, each state and City has their support group. I just subscribed (it's free).I've read it's really good and has helped others.


Thank ya'll.
Love Veronica.