Main reason i need support right now is the following: (an update is below that led to to this) H said this to me at his work during lunchbreak.

ONE THING HE SAID THAT IS EATING ME UP is this:
I told him that it will be 2 weeks this thursday that he has not even bothered to TOUCH me, and he responded saying that with everything that has happend he does not feel comfortable." I held back my tears and gave him a kiss as he went back to work. Is he ever going to feel comfortable again? Did he lose feelings for me to give to OW? is our lovemaking ever going to come back? This was not our problem area, in fact this was the biggest thing we had in common.. now i fear that it is destroyed...A friend told me once he admits and is honest with everything it will come back. is this true??

it's been a couple of days, since i last posted. I got bumped way back.. and i thought i would start a new thread. I have been staying late at the office , because our phone is shut off and i need to use the work computer to do my online schooling. We have not been around each other much at all. I have not nagged him to confess to me, just waiting for it to come out.

I am moving to an apt Dec 1st on my own. He is not coming first says because it is near his moms, then i called his bluff when i said well then find a place we can move in together. We have to move out of our house that we are renting b/c it is getting to expensive especially with the baby coming in January. He told me that we need this separation and/or a break from each other so we can gain each others trust back and that it will be like when we first met living in two different place. I dont agree with that. Long story short, my intentions when i move in my new apt. is plan B (plan A there is not enough time to do 3 mos. of him and I being together and working on our marriage, and he is still working with OW, he wont quit or leave his job, claims her and him do not talk anymore) landlord has notice for dec 1st, and i cant turn back now.

Monday night he went out with the guys from work and his friends W (JN) and I kept in touch on the phone. come to find out they all were up to no good. Friends wife woke up next morning to find 135 miles on her car. My H says that her H and two other co-workers (male and female) were getting hot and heavy.. so he left. JN approached her H and he hurt her. Her H is the one that told me all about my HA with OW.

I was hurting for her and angry. I approached my H on the phone saying he needs to be honest with me, we need to talk, and that his friend told me everything.. i mentioned some of it and he was in shock,, and said "some of it is true". I told him we need to sit and talk real soon.

I went to see him at work today, and mentioned that this is not going to be pushed under the rug, i took a week off from school next week before my next class starts. I told him we will be talking. He said "i wont forgive him" i told him over and over again i will that we just need to talk about everything and that he needs to be honest with me, that i have so many questions and he needs to tell me the truth so we can get past it. He said he wants to get his stuff out of the house first so i dont break it from being angry when we talk. I told him that dealing with this over the past 3 weeks alot of anger and hurt has already come out. I know i will cry when he tells me the truth even though i already know. but we need to get past it.


Please give me all the advice i can use right now. Dec 1st is fast approaching. I plan to tell him (after he helps me move) that since he is not going to be moving with me, i dont want no contact at all until he decides to come to our new home and work on our marriage.

How does one in my shoes, get through the holidays? the baby will be here in Jan, Our Wedding Anniversary is in feb? I fear the worse. Others tell me that when i "lay down the law" it will make him think and he will be back.

It sounds to me like he wants to get everything out of the house so that you two can seperate.

Do NOT let him sit and blow smoke like this. Confront him tonite...point blank. Don't accept his BS of wanting to wait for whatever reason...sit down in front of the door and say "all right, lets talk".

It sounds to me like he's going to make a break for it...which of course is the worst thing to do to fix your marriage. So, jump the gun on him. Confront him now before he's ready to face it and make up stories...

ok.. i already typed out everything I found out, its a log i created with lies and truth that i came across in my investigation..To make sure i dont forget anything. Should i pick up a pack of beer just to ease him a little.. would it go better? would it take the edge off him.. it was just a thought..

What if he says he doesnt want to tonight? should I persist..i did tell him that i will skip online schooling tonight and be home after work, my baby shower is sat and i have to straighten up the house. My finals are this week as well.. but if you say do it tonight before he can make up more lies than i will make it tonight.

If he is afraid that i will break his stuff.. should i suggest taking a ride and parking somewhere??

please respond soon.. thanks!!!

Well, I'm hardly an 'expert' here, but I simply wouldn't give him a choice in the matter.

Like I said...sit down with you back to the door, and tell him "Honey, we've got to talk now. I'm not going to put this off just because you're uncomfortable or worried about how I'm going to react.".

Buy him the beer if you think it will help. Try to be calm and collected the whole time, no matter how badly what he says hurts you. Try to show him that he can trust you to handle what he's got to say. I'm not saying don't tell him how you feel...but don't justify his fears of talking with you by going into a blind rage.

It sounds to me like you already know quite a bit...so hopefully you'll already be prepared enough to deal with this.

Good luck friend.

Thanks Owl, I will keep your post in the back of my head to help me get through this. Please keep an eye out for my post on an updates...

His friend from work told me alot,, even the pw to my H cell phone! i typed it all up and its ready to go.

one more question. As i am hitting each statement/question etc for the truth, what if he begins to get frustrated or angry or trys to walk away.. do i persist? do i believe all that he says tonight??

when i exposed him to family and friends.. some told me to leave him .. but that is not what i want.

Please stay in touch with my posts.. i feel alone alot.

Babyangel.

I like owl's advice. Plant yourself in front of the door. And don’t worry about being fair. Use you concerns for your health and the stress you have obviously been dealing with as grounds to settle this/ clear the air now. U are pregnant, so I got to think if he has enough sense about himself he's concerned about you and the baby and your potential upset when you learn the whole truth and nothing but the truth, This may be at least in part why he is trying to avoid talking with you and maybe even why he might think to escape ( with his stuff) without doing so.

I can not think he is really all that concerned about his stuff as he might have let on--I'm speculating here but--sounds like he was just thinking something up quick to avoid the conversation he knows will hurt you and he does not want to face.

I think you have handled it all wonderfully thus far, with your reassurances to him. Try to remain calm and he will come around. & reminding calm in this situation is a tall order, no doubts you are going to cry, but for the sake of your baby you can do this.

How does your H react when he drinks. Does it make him relax or does it intensify his emotions and reactions? If the latter, I'd avoid it for level head in a smuch as one can remain level in this situation.

If he continues to cling to the idea that he does not want to talk for fear of his stuff-- still think this is just a bluff-- remove the bluff with your idea to arrange to meet to talk elsewhere.

I marvel at how we all become such great investigators-sadly it is a learned labor that is forced on to us.

Well, I'd learned a lot from life prior to this. I'm ex-military with an interesting background. Not to mention that even now I'm a program manager for a major telecommunications company...so it's my job to know how to gather data, how to work with people, etc...

It took me less than two hours, armed only with OM's first name, middle initial, and last name along with his work phone number to find out his home address, home phone, work direct extension, work address, cube number, parking space. And to find out that he lived less than a half mile from work, and walked to work every day. Thanks to a chatty personnel assistant, I even knew what route he took to work, his normal hours of coming in and leaving from work, etc.

I already knew that the vast majority of the text messaging had taken place on his work computer...and that he would stay late after work and drink and game on the company's computers.

My wife was scared to death on d-day...not for herself, as she knew I wouldn't do anything to her. She warned him and warned him that I might go after him...he thought that was cute, since he was an ex-marine and a 'big ole boy'. For some stupid reason he thought I'd just show up and want to fight him...ROFL...my wife told me after we'd started to recover that she couldn't get him to understand that I wouldn't have fought him...her biggest worry was that he would suddenly just 'come up missing'...and that would be the end of it.

Sometime ask me what I'd planned on doing to him in revenge AFTER I decided not to do anything permanent. Hehehe.

Thanks for the advice.

I dont know if i should believe him or not, but he opened up to me. When done reading, please tell me if it is considered a PA or just a EA...

Here is how it went. I picked up a bottle of malt liquor, he didnt want it. We ate. He went to the basement and i followed him. I sat on his lap facing him (with no intentions of it going anywhere) looked into his eyes and said" we are talking tonight" he said "I am not ready for this" I told him it has been long enough it needs to be discussed end of story. He said he will be up in a few mins. He was down there for about 15 mins. came into the bedroom was hesitant to sit next to me on the bed. It took a few mins. to get him to sit next to me. I took out my list from my investigating and began to ask. here is what i got:

He never slept with OW.
They just talked. It was not about sex.
She was never in his car.
They did meet and he drove around in her car talking.
They made out on 4 different occasions.
She did not touch him anywhere, and he did not touch her anywhere, neither of them tried to go any further..
They did go to bars together. He did not take her out to dinner.
It did start before i left for florida vacation.
He said it is not her fault.
She was in my house only one time to meet him to go out, but she felt uncomfortable and left.
He did have feelings for her, and somewhat still does.

There has been no contact with her and him, and he said she told him that i went to her neighbor, when i was looking to see what house she lived in, and told the neightbor that she is "screwing" my husband. She wasnt too happy with that. (OH WELL!)


he said that he lost some feelings for me, because of how we have not been getting along for awhile etc.

I told him that we will talk each night, no matter what it is. He said his wall is up, i told him it needs to come down. he agreed to try.

I told him that we need to make sure that this does not happen again.

I already filled out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, told him he needs to fill out his. He said he will.
he is still getting his own place come Dec 1st when we have to move out of the house we are renting. He is not moving with me in the new place.

He says that we need a break, that it will bring us closer together, time to miss each other... (i want to tell him the day i am all moved in, that there is to be no contact with me, (i dunno, maybe phone conversations) uless he moves in and wants to work on our marriage.

He did say he feels uncomfortable still to touch me, because of what happened i assumed between him and OW.
and, that i am almost due to have the baby. He said we should be ok after she is born in Jan.

What do I do now??????? ANY SUGGESTIONS.. advice.. help, where do i go from here?????

The main reason he says he is not moving with me is cause it is across from his moms, and that he does not want to bring any arguments there.. that the break will help bring us closer. I did tell him it will not solve any of the problems we have,, they are still going to be there whether he moves with me or not and that we have to work on getting thru them together.

Angelbaby, I am no expert and am new here but kinda dealing with some of the same denial issues at this point in that my dh has broke of his relationship with OW–did so a month before I learn the truth but is currently in denial of his actions ( with a memory loss), but he can’t and does not deny his action and does seem to be trying to work at our relationship. So it is a delicate situation for me because I want to resolve issue and figure out what went wrong so we can go forward.

I was anxious to find your post to learn how the “talk” went this morning. It sounds like you did a good job and yeah that he is stonewalling you. I do think that if he moves to his own place that you should consider no contact. Even phone calls and continue to work on Plan A. I know that’s a tall order but he obviously has contact with you as he pleases right now since you are working to fix this marriage and he as yet does not seem to be ready to do this. So to my mind he is still getting what he wants access to you when he wants and at his convenience but is no as yet willing to work at resolving issues to fix the marriage. I think it is a good sign that he said he wants to though with an admission that he is not yet ready to do so.

My dh ask for a separation from me in April at the time I suspected something was up–but I was too torn up at the time to believe it was his problem–A, I thought it was all about me–I realize now that it was both our problem. And yeah we were not getting along well before so I do ahve to share part of the blame here. At first I was desperate in my attempts to get him to come back–IE spend more time with us–me and the kids. (His work and business kept him busy so he did have excuses to be away). As the spring and summer wore on I was able to get a grip and find myself. I do not know if it is fair to say I stopped caring if he returned, but I did stop calling and asking him to come visit us. I noticed in August that he started to come home more often on his own. Surprised and pleased– it wasn’t until the first week in September that I learned why he had been away so much and why he thought we need space from each other.

When I look back now I consider the reason why he began to pay closer attention to me was because I began to pay less attention to him. Does this make sense? And yeah that was damn hard to do. For me it was a matter of finally being able to convince myself that I did not need him and this heartbreak. Yeah, I wanted him cause I loved him. But it was no longer going to be a matter of I can not survive without him-- which is what it felt like.

I did not find MB until this week and as I go throught the material to try to find a plan to help us find recovery I am amazed by the advice here in the sense that my blind faith lead me to the right decisions and choices.

Anyrate not sure if I was much help to you. Know that you and your baby and your relationship with you H are in my thought and prayers.

Forgot to tell you I am impressed that you went to OW neighbor–Good for you! Whether they have had sexual relations or not, there has been enough between them by his own admission that she is in the wrong here and deserves to be made uncomfortable IMHO!

Hugs

Be careful please. I am more concerned about you and the baby. Do you have family near? How did his mother take the news?

Baby,

I think separate residences are a very bad idea. If he insists, you might as well Plan B him.


I never had to do this, but I think that going dark in plan B also means no phone calls.

Good Luck. I sure do hope he comes to his senses soon with the baby due in Jan.

I guess we are almost in the same boat..i was in fear my post would get lost so i reposted under different subject... today..

I wasnt sure on the no phone calls b/c, what if he feels that i have moved on and that there is no chance left.. and he decides to move on as well.. that is what scares me.. but if you and others tell me no contact at all then that is what it must be..
you mention your "dh" is this your divorced husband or darling husband.. i get confused on the abbreviations.. i am getting the feel that your not divorced and still trying to get your marriage back..



Yes.. it makes sense.. your not the only one that has told me that today.. including a friend of his (male) and H mother. so i am hoping it works.. yes.. please keep me in prayers and thoughts..i will to for you.

thanks for advice..i will follow..

thanks,, it felt even better that it got back to WH!!!! and back to me!

his mother is very upset with him and says he is not welcome in her home till he grows up. I am moving across the street from his mom. SHe is excited.

From my understanding of plan b, you need to plan a your [censored] off before committing to plan b. He needs to HAVE A REASON to come back to you in Plan B. When you go into Plan B, there is no direct communication. If done correctly, all necessary comminication is through a third party.

Have you done Plan A well?????

You know the usual reasons w/s want "Space", "Room to think?"
Its usually just so they can carry on their affair without any interferance from the b/s.

Has Ark, Melody or Lemonman talked to you yet. They are great planners.

Take care of you and the baby,

K.D.'s Heartbreak

I have till Dec 1st to continue plan A, i dont have much time. who will be third party?? he doesnt talk to his mom right now and hasnt in while.. ?? hmm. i actually dont know if we have a 3rd party.. maybe he will used his mom. I know lemonman talked to me in a previous post in beginning... but not lately.. yes he is a good planner!!!

thanks and keep in touch with posts

When a WS proclaims they think a "trial seperation" will be the best for everyone...and set a time frame for when they believe things "should get better"....the WS has successfully pulled the smoke and mirrors act.

Let me tell you what he was really THINKING...as opposed to what he was telling you.

"I need some time on my own to be able to "explore" this a little more without the wife watching my every move"

"If we aren't living together, but she's living across the street from my mother, I can pretty much determine where she is, what's she's doing, and who's she's doing it with, as to not "crash" my exploration"

I'm going to look for more of your posts. Don't buy into any of this....he's just pulled the oldest trick in the book. And without undeniable proof...a WS NEVER HAS SEX. They will continue to deny this.

I need to get more information. I'll be back to post to you.

Please take care of you and the baby. WS is still very deep in the FOG here.

Thanks.. I just remembered something.. in the middle of last night, when we were sleeping..(we are still sleeping in same bed but, he wont put his arms around me.. it's always me putting my arms around etc. SHOULD i stop that??) he felt my bare leg, and talked in his sleep. This is what he said as he felt my leg:
H-who is this
ME - its me
H - Me who?
Me - Its your wife!

he immediatly took his hand off my leg and turned over to the other side.. i actually felt crushed and did not know what to think.

When i woke up as he was getting ready for work, i told him what happened. He gave me a kiss and told me to stop analyzing everything..

(how could i forget that happened... glad i remembered)

What does everyone think of that???????????????? What could it have meant??

Sounds like w/h forgot whose bed he fell asleep in last night.