You can take a look at the recovery section for a complete story...basically wife had an online emotional affair about a year and a half ago...was all bent on leaving me and our four kids to go live with OM whom she'd never met in person. She ended up not going at the OM's request...went through the normal withdrawl at the end of the affair, fights over continuing contact, etc... She made her choice to reconcile our marriage about 6 weeks after d-day, and we've been in recovery ever since. Things have been pretty good, with the only downside of it being me dealing with my own issues as a result of her EA.

So here is the question... after reading Shaden's thread, I was talking with my ex-boss who knows the whole story was talking with me today...and he asked me how things were going. Related a little information about his life, and then asked me a question that has caused me to stop and think... he asked me "Has she ever done anything at all in the past that made you suspicious?".

At first, my response was no. But after I sat and thought about it, I remembered a time shortly after we were married. I was sent to Germany, and it took me several months to get the orders cut to allow her to join me there. She was back home with all four of our babies (they were about six months and two years old at the time...we've got two sets of twins). And I came home on leave without telling her I was coming. She was VERY glad to see me. BUT...a few days after I was home she INSISTED on going over to help some friends move...friends she'd made while I was away. I told her I would go with her...she kept fighting to keep me from going, but I went anyway. There was a single guy there who kept glaring daggers at me...and finally I sat down with my wife that night and asked about it. She told me that he was a mutual friend of the couple she'd met...and admitted to having spent some time with him, and had 'fallen asleep' at his house while her and the kids were watching TV with him and didn't get home one night until early in the morning...all while I had been overseas. She swore up and down that nothing had happened, and hadn't wanted to tell me about it since she knew I'd be upset. And I believed her at the time...she'd had all four babies with her, and I couldn't believe that she would have cheated on me.

The conversation today made me think of this whole episode...now 17 years in our past. And after seeing all that I have, I'm not nearly foolish enough now to just wholeheartedly believe the 'nothing happened' story.

The question is this...should I ask her about this? I KNOW that the answer, no matter what it is, won't be the end of our marriage. It's 17 years in the past. BUT...it's on my mind now, and it's bothering me. I also know that no matter what her answer to my asking if anything happened would be, she's going to be angry and hurt that I brought it up at all. She's going to go right back into defense mode. And since she's possibly hidden this from me for 17 years, would she tell me the truth now?

What thoughts do you have on this?

Hi Owl,
As you know i am new at confrontation too, you just told me to confront tonight. If i was in your shoes and it surfaced in my mind. I would be hesitant at first, but if you two are getting along and things seem pretty good right now, maybe after some affection towards her or spending time together closely, you could feel her mood and your instinct should let you know the time is right.

If it is on your mind, it is going to bother you until it is out in the open, just as me wanting to know the answers and truth for my H. It will eat you up, you need to tell her that it somehow came in your thoughts and that you need a piece of mind and as always, honesty is the key, even if she feels she will hurt you, but remember to be willing to share the hurt and pain together.

those are just my thoughts.. and i am still a newbie at this..

Hi Owl. I might consider waiting until the mood is right; not hostile, not too lovey-dovey either, just open-minded and positive. Then casually say "I've always wondered if you've wanted to tell me more about that guy from 17 years ago....."

LOL...ok...something I've not shared about my wife. When it comes to something like this, the time will NEVER be right to bring it up. She'll react angrily and defensivly...she'll take it as an attack no matter how I couch it, and it's going to be a hard thing to deal with no matter what.

But...I will try to pick a time that she seems more willing to discuss things with me.

Do you really want to know the answer, Owl?

Melody-

THAT is the real question, isn't it? And how many times have I asked that same question of posters here and on LS?

The truth is...I'm not sure. And that is what I'm wrestling with today...do I really want to know what happened back then, given all that's gone on.

Not to mention that while I often recommend to people that they confront and get things out in the open, that strategy works horribly with my wife. Pep once asked me in a post if I was 'wearing your conflict avoiders T-shirt today?". In many cases, the fear of the reaction is the biggest hurdle. In my case, I really just need to decide if having the answers is going to be worth the battle to get them...and what will I do once I know the truth?

Thanks for the advice my friend.

there's your answer .... do not ask about that old history until you have a better reason than this

I don't think this is conflict avoidance ... so don't don your T-shirt

(can't believe it was me that said that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> )

Owl, I think it is very different from wanting to know about a recent affair. This is more than an affair, this is 17 years of lying. Your kaliedoscope will do a massive shift if you find out now she did this and then compounded the crime by lying for 17 years. I don't know if I could forgive that, if it were me.

We love ya, Owl! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Owl! I remember this story....you mentioned this awhile back when I was dealing with something from my past...Do you recall? The situation was before my H and I were married(but we were together) and my H always wondered about this one guy and if anything had ever happened between us... I only kissed this guy, but I never told my H for over 20 years! When he asked me a few months ago, I gladly told him the truth of it and answered whatever he asked. It did not hurt him nearly like the A's (we really didn't talk about it after that day), but I think it was important for ME to clear this up as well. I didn't like keeping that lie from him. He had asked me many times in the past....years ago and I denied that anything happened.

Honestly, your W may want to tell you....but I don't know her like you do. I was glad my H asked me because I don't think I would have brought it up if he didn't ask.

Anyways...just letting you know it helped me when my H finally asked me again after we went through my A's.
Hope this helps you!

Hehehe, the evidence never lies Pep! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


2BN-
Thanks...it's interesting that this came up again. And the more I think about it, the more I'm now inclined to truly think that something did happen back then. My wife does NOT like to admit she's wrong...about anything. So any discussion on this subject is going to be a LB'er from heck.

Melody-
Thanks friend. Sometimes I think I'm just here to annoy everyone around me. If she admits to something, I'm not sure that I'll be that hurt by the years of not admitting it. Looking at it from her viewpoint...I've got no doubt that it's something she wishes she could take back. It probably hasn't even hardly ever crossed her mind...her way of dealing with painful things like this is to 'bury them'...and she's good at it. So I guess I just wouldn't be that hurt to realize that she never ever wanted to face up to what she did...

At this point, knowing that something DID happen would hurt a lot for sure...and knowing that it was physical, compounded by the fact that she had an EA a year and a half ago...yes, knowing that something happened would hurt a lot. But at least right now, it's not too hard for me to keep it in perspective of 18 years of (mostly) wonderful marriage.

Thanks for the thoughts friends.

Me, I would ask.

In fact I have. I’ve recently pried the lids off a couple of these cans from long ago. Owl, things were so rotten in there you could smell them upwind.

So,

First, be careful what you ask for. Be prepared for the worst.

Second, timing is almost everything. Technique is the rest. This took a lot of patience, restraint and a very non-judgmental approach. Tiny steps.

On the whole, I am glad I know now. I feel less crazy. I understand a lot more what was going on all these years. I think even understand the LTA better. It was not an isolated pattern. That’s important for me to know.

The truth is always worth it, in the end.

Still hurts like the dickens, though.

And we (we, not I) still haven’t opened all the cans.

With prayers,

Owl,

Okay, this is my first post in MB, but I’ve been snooping around for several weeks. You hit my situation, well, just right of dead center. (I know there will be many that believe I’m out in left field, though.) You see, my wife of 25 years had an A before we were married, but after we were engaged and it’s an annoying issue that I’ve been dealing with in varying degrees of severity ever since.

My emotions run the gamut of anger / depression / resentment to “well was it really an A…after all you weren’t married at the time” to you’re a putz for even being worried about it, it happened 26 years ago and there has been absolutely NC, nor have there been any indiscretions by either of us since! Generally, I don’t concern myself about it. It only seems to arise when we are dealing with issues in the marriage or when I feel a lack of SF which lead me to believe that I'm using it as an excuse to harbor ill feelings towards my W and/or our marriage.

Let me give you a little more detail. We met in college where we became engaged. She graduated a year before I did. Upon graduation she was accepted a job that was a 7 hrs drive from our hometown where we went to school so we didn’t get to see each other very often. About 2 months after she moved I began to get signs that there was someone else in her life. It seemed pretty hot and heavy for 4 – 5 months.

I knew at the time it was going on, though I didn’t have all the pieces of the puzzle until after we were married. All the signs were there but I won’t go into the details here. They can all be found in hundreds of other posts throughout this web site, including the missing condoms that we used as birth control at the time - PA.

W and I have never discussed and she has never brought up OM’s name other than a few times during the A when she was talking about a “friend” of hers. We have three wonderful children; one in med school, one starting med school next fall, and an undergraduate. I tell you this not to say “hey, look at my great kids” but because I have to grant the lions share of their successes to her abilities as a W, mother and homemaker, she has truly done an outstanding job.

I loved her greatly than as I do now but at the time I had to decide how to handle the A. I only envisioned two options: (1) confront her or (2) say nothing and make me as attractive an option as I could where she felt loved and safe. I believed, then as I do now, that had I forced her to decide him or me through confrontation that she would have had no alternative but to decide him. He was “on-site” and able to meet her ENs in person, an option that I did not have available.

I have to ask myself, ”self, you know what happened, it was a great many years ago, (before you were married), W saw the light and married you, you’ve had a pretty successful marriage, great kids, etc.…why do you want to hear the information from her? What would change and would it be for the better? Why do you want to know and what would you do with the information?”

I don't have any good answers to these questions, so, for now, I'll remain silent. Just a few thoughts of my own, perhaps in some small way I’m hoping that my sharing this information with others will be enough?

Did she ever confess to you about what happened? Or are you still working from your own knowledge?

My own knowledge, confident it's accurate, though.