I smile sweetly and say, "I don't discuss divorce arrangements with you. I only discuss recovering our marriage. Bye!" Right?

H and I are separated, although not legally. He has simply moved out to a motel down the street while he continues his long-distance affair with his old high school girlfriend. He said he wanted a divorce a few weeks ago, and then dropped it when I shut up and stopped nagging and LBing him.

I am in Plan A and being cheery and pleasant, and I suspect he is having a grand time cake-eating now. However, the separation is putting a strain on our finances, and I plan to get an evening and weekend job at Barnes and Noble or someplace. He will have to watch the kids, which will cramp his style since he is used to spending the evenings having phone sex with his girlfriend.

When I tell him that I will need his childcare help, I suspect he will say "let's get the divorce going then." So do I say the statement above? Is letting him feel these effects of his actions and separation a natural consequence of Plan A or is it a LB-er?? Help, please. I'm starting to get off my duff here instead of waiting passively, and I don't want to mess it up.

That was the right thing to say. But is he paying you child support and still paying the bills? If not, I would see legal advice to force him to do so.

He's not really paying me anything. I'm a SAHM, and he's just moved out to a motel. We continue to have our joint checking account and everything, and he comes over and picks up the bills and pays them. He makes a good salary, but not so much that maintaining two households isn't starting to pinch us.

We're not legally separated; we're just in a kind of an uneasy limbo b/c I don't think he's really ready to pull the divorce trigger. And I'm certainly not either, but I'm also worried about the effects of this.

Have you exposed this affair? How long in Plan A?

"Let's get the divorce going." What is this?

A divorce, in this case, isn't a fun project that you are doing together, as in "Let's go to Disneyland." My XH?/STBX?/WH? tried that malarkey on me. This is an attempt to make it sound like it is a mutually agreed upon decision. That you are both being "civilized," though his behavior has been anything but. Rubbish.

He doesn't need your permission or cooperation to file.

Let him file if he wants to. You can't stop him. It is an act of violence. Let him feel the full effects of what he's become, by filing a divorce against a woman who loves him. Don't participate or cooperate. It's HIS decision. Let him see that.

Yes, I exposed in the weeks after D-day (Sept. 4). I started Plan A on Nov. 1, although he had already moved out by then. I've backed off but been pleasant and welcoming whenever he comes over to see the kids, and I stopped relationship talk.

He actually just called and tried to back out of coming over tonight. He seemed cold, but I said I had already made plans so he agreed. He just spent last weekend with the OW, and I assume he's still talking to her. I invited him over for Thanksgiving, and he's coming. For all I know, the OW is screaming "how dare you go see them for Thanksgiving!" or for all I know they're still planning their wedding.

Am I doing the right thing here?

Yes, in the initial weeks after Dday, he had a consultation with a lawyer who recommended that H and I do a civilized kitchen-table division of assets to reduce lawyer fees. At that point, I was weepy and distraught and had assumed our marriage was over, so I said "yes, yes, that makes sense. I don't want to spend a lot of money on fees eiher. Let's be civilized and mature."

Now, however, I'm fighting for the marriage, and I don't want to give him any quarter. His OW and her H did it the peaceful, civilized way though, so I think that's what he's hoping I'll do. Although, I certainly don't have 10K for an atty either.

A WS will push the BS t/d the D paperwork and all the dirty stuff. When that question gets asked you could say:

WS: Let's get the D going.

BS: Ok, u get the D going.

WS: No, I want u t/d it.

BS: Then do it.

Ws: What? U r suppose t/d it.

BS: Ok, then do it.

What is that? It's a sample of what we affectionately call 'reverse babble'. It is also giving the Ws back their guilt. Expect him to threaten the D.

Whether you file or not s/b on your terms and in your own time....not when the WS feels like it.

I did that with my WS. He started talking D soon after d/d. I waited a few months, got over my shock, got control over my anxiety attacks, secured my finances (took my name of his credit cards, removed him from my ins policies, separate accounts, etc.), consulted with a lawyer and MC, went to the family court and did the d/d walk, then when my mind and heart sync'd up......called the WS early in the morning and told him to 'hurry up, I'm ready'. Boy did that shock him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

So how are you doing?

L.

Doing okay today. Sure enough, when I said "I don't talk about divorce, I'll talk about recovering our marriage," H got quiet and upset and said "I'm going to have to file myself, aren't I. I had hoped we could avoid that." And I said, "You do what you want to do."

He came over last night to see the girls, and once again we didn't mention the elephant in the room. He seemed a little cold and grumpy as he was leaving. Maybe his conscience is bothering him.

OTOH, he's got a pretty good deal going on -- I'm friendly and nice and Plan Aing and have dinner for him and his favorite soda when he comes over. I've told him he can see the girls whenever he wants so he gets to see his kids and have fun whenever he feels like it without having to do day-to-day parenting. And then every few weeks he gets to have rollicking vacation sex with the OW without all the nasty real-life realities of that getting in the way.

Hoopsie, shouldn't you talk to an attorney to protect yourself and your children? I don't know what state you live in, but in most places your petition can include a requirement that he pay for your attorney expenses too. You don't want a 50/50 split either. You've got the kids' welfare to think of and you're going to need more of the joint resources to ensure their well-being. If he starts following a lawyer's advice, you're liable to wind up on the short end of the stick. You need to be ready to file a counter suit, don't you?

I have to admit something. I don't see how it's possible to do a plan A for a straying spouse who's already moved out. But there are other's out here who can show you how to do it. I wish you all the luck in getting your marriage back on track.

Oh boy. He was hoping to avoid that. How? By throwing the burden on you?

The best way to avoid it is not to divorce.

What on earth is he thinking?