I have been seeing someone off and on since my divorce (my X moved out about a year ago) and I started seeing this person about 5 months ago. It has sort of been on again, off again but lately we have been hitting off. We talk a lot about our lives, how we feel about things and we just have really gotten comfortable with each other.

But at times, I get very depressed from my divorce. I miss my children when they are gone and I miss the structure of a family. I really don't miss my wife anymore but miss my life.

I feel good when I date this person and I don't cling to her like a rebound relationship. But am I ready if I still have the "emotional roller-coaster" of depression? Or is looking for a new partner something that can help snap me out of this?

This is all so confusing!!! I just want to be happy again.

Keith

BHINWI~~

It's very possible it may help you move past some R/C feelings, but if your not at a real solid point yet, it may still be a stumble block for you.
On the other hand, you have been divorced for 7 mos now? It's conceivable that you are ready to date.

I almost hate to give advice, because I feel I failed myself getting involved before I had business doing so.
My emotions were raw when I met the guy I became involved with. He was willing to be my cushion, and I could not see my needs clearly. Bottom line, I had more healing to do.

The only advice I have is, take it slow. You do deserve happiness, and to feel good about all things, including having someone care for you, and you them.

Best of luck to you!
Karona

Karona,

Thanks, I am taking it slow. What I really like is we are taking time to get to know each other. We talk a lot and it is almost like we are just friends. The other night while we were talking she told me that my wife never deserved me. It floored me when she said that out of the blue. When I dropped her off, she gave me such a warm hug. It felt so good.

What stinks though, I come home, and my heart still aches from the divorce. I cannot belive I am divorced. I always thought that we had the perfect life together.... Maybe I don't truly know what happiness is?

Keith

BH~~

"What stinks though, I come home, and my heart still aches from the divorce. I cannot belive I am divorced. I always thought that we had the perfect life together.... Maybe I don't truly know what happiness is?"

Reading this statement is what tells me to advise you to go slowly. I'm not saying you should not be spending time with this lady, but only that your heart is vulnerable.
After being so beat down from what your spouse has done, and feeling so much less than you are, it feels so wonderful to have someone realize your self worth.
By no means am I saying this woman is not worthy or that she is not sincere. I have come to think, that the first relationship after D is an adjustment relationship. Re-learning who you are again in this new life that you have been given.
Enjoy feeling special, but do it with the caution of knowing the vulnerability of your heart.

For myself, the label "divorced" carried shame. Even though I knew I had tried and gave it my all, I didn't feel anyone knew that I tried. Time does have a way of easing the feelings and pain. You are on your own time line in the healing process, but you will get there.

I think you do know happiness, but the happiness you once knew has been shattered. I do feel strongly, you will find happiness again, and possibly, it could stronger than ever when you meet the special person.

K!

Karona,

You always know what to say. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keith

Keith, in my humble and friendly opinion;

... no one who asks that question, is.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You'll get good advice here though.

I was dating before I was ready, and ended up taking my significant other on the roller coaster with me, neglected to see or uncover significant "red flags" and otherwise made life harder than it had to be at that point in time.

You're already a step ahead of me, the ink is dry on your judgement. But I sense that you're not quite ready to take the stitches out of your wounds. I'd wait until I felt 100%, so that I had 100% of myself to give to someone else.

Right now, I'm guessing she's getting about 57%.

(I'm trying to be funny so please don't be offended. My sense of humor has been warped as of late.)

Buttercup,

I am glad that this relationship I am having hasn't gotten too serious but it helps with my lonliness. I go out with friends a lot and family. I stay busy as much as I can and I do things on my own also (like go to movies).

It does help my shattered self-esteem to know that someone does want to go out with me.

I guess I am not ready for a serious relationship. I just want to heal from this divorce and be happy again.

Keith

BH~~~

Thank you!
If I said something that has helped, it's only because I have been there, and made it out!

Karona

hey hun,
I picked up my copy of" Mars and Venus - Starting Over" again last night, because I am trying to figure out my stuff... and trying to figure out the men I am picking lately (their stuff), and I learned a couple of things. THat's a great book, and I highly recommend it. Part 1 goes through how to get past a loss, heal, and move forward. Part 2 and 3 go over common dating mistakes that Men and Women make.

Sooo... I certainly won't try to diagnose you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, but the thing he kept saying (in part 2 and 3) is that you MUST heal on your own before trying to date. I'm not quoting him, I don't have the book in front of me, but the common theme he kept mentioning is that healing your hurts, pain, anger, lonliness, and fears need to be done before starting a relaitonship with someone new. Based on what you're writing here, you still have some work to do.

What do you mean by "I don't cling to her like a rebound relaitonship"? Define this... what do you mean? Have you felt this before? or are you assuming that you would know what this would feel like?

I started a serious relationship 7 months after my divorce, which was about 9 months after he left. It took me a little while to trust, and to really enjoy the relaitonship, and.... I still missed my XH occasionally. But I think I was ready, and that R lasted for over 2 years. It depends on how "depressed" you are, and how much healing you have done on your own.

hugggggggssssssssssss,
Faith1

NO, you are not ready to date. . .

you are ready for platonic relationships, but not dating. .

and remember, dating means learning about other people to find out what you like and what you don't like, so when you are ready for dating,

you will be able to walk out on a beautiful, but %itchy woman at any time. . .
you will be able to tell the truth and hurt someone's feelings without any disrespect.
you will know what you want, and be able to see someone who isn't and be able to just be friendly but firm. . .
and therefore, you will never lead anyone one. .
you make no commitments until you are convinced, beyond a doubt, that she is the final one.

do you think you are ready?

wiftty

I don't have great advice but I have a short answer:

based on what you said on this thread, I don't think you are ready.

Sounds like you have not healed adequately. She is meeting some of your emotional needs so it feels good. But you need to be at peace before you will be good dating material.

Just my opinion.

There's such a fine line, isn't there? It's between being whole and being so totally self-sufficient and happy with your life that you don't need anyone, and if want someone, find yourself unwilling to change your life to make room for another being.

I'm using the word "need" in the same way it's used in the term "emotional needs." I am not using it to mean that a person is deficient without another.

I think if you need conversation, affection, admiration, etc, that's okay, and go ahead and date.

However, that's a far cry from using dating to stave off loneliness and mourning or to get your self-esteem back.

Only you can really decide, Keith.

Faith1,

When I said "cling like a rebound relationship" I meant that people sometimes go out and find the first person they can get and cling to them to ward off their lonliness. They tend to not notice the person's shortcomings and use the relationship as a quick fix.

I do want to get Mars and Venus Starting Over - sounds like a good book.

Everyone, I have gotten some good advice here. I know I am not healed, I still get hit with waves of depression and lonliness. Until I am happy with who I am and where I am, I cannot get into a serious relationship.

This has been a great thread.
I'm in the same situation as BH and I agree with everyone's assesments.

I'm just wondering if BH's situation is common. It seems he is basically leading a SO other on? His behavior is kind of how I would be if I started dating. That is, sometimes I would really be into it, love life, etc. and other times cold and depressed. The other person would probably get tired of me after awhile <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Timn420,

I agree, it has been a great thread. My emotional roller coaster is amazing. Some days I am fine, life is great and I am happy. Then other days I fall into a deep depression that sometimes takes weeks to get out of. I NEVER had depression problems ever in my life until this divorce and I hate it!!!!

I guess seeing this person "platonically" is ok... I am not down or depressed when I am with her as her company makes me happy. We also have discussed her divorce and compared our stories so that helps. I am glad that I haven't flipped for her or anything as that would just give me more anxiety and depression.

The key for me is take everything slow... No impulsive decisions, no jumping into a relationship, etc. I also focus on my children and keeping them feeling loved and secure.

Healing takes time and nuturing and there is no quick fix. I will cherish the day that I am truly happy again.

Keith