Got a call from my husband asking me to let him come home. He said he misses me and the kids and needs to be with us. I said what about OW? H said, "Right now I can't abandon her, it's just not working at this time." I said," so you still plan on seeing her?" He said," Can you live with that?" That's the big question can I live with that. Do I let him come home knowing he is still going to see her and fight like hell to save whats left of my marriage or do I tell him where to go? I feel torn in two. I guess in one way I feel I won the first round. I just don't know if I can go the whole match. I just pray that she packs her s$$t up and moves back to NY where she belongs. I guess she was hysterical when he told her he was coming back home. I guess I would be to if my meal ticket was leaving. <BR>WHEN DOES THIS ROLLER COASTER RIDE COME TO AN END!!!!!!!! <p>[This message has been edited by crazy or what? (edited August 16, 1999).]

Ever heard the phrase "Come correctly or don't come at all"? That's what passed through my mind when I read your post. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Can you live with it? Why SHOULD you? I wouldn't take him back until he was over and done with the OW. And from the sound of it, her neediness will turn him off in the long run and he may come back to you -- CORRECTLY.

I totally agree with Cristalle. Don't allow him to have the best of both worlds. As soon as he makes his decision and moves on with the healing process, the better. The longer he keeps this going, the longer it will take to begin the healing process and I believe it will that much more painful.

Don't do it! If he can't come home and devote himself entirely to his family then tell him to stay away. He's asking you if he can have the comforts of home and still have a woman on the side. Don't lower yourself to that level.

The only thing is so far what I have been doing has been working. I look like a wonderful woman, being kind and paitent, allowing him to spend our money on her kids.<BR>I haven't gotten mad or even really over emotional in front of him. I'm afraid that if I say No, you arn't coming home, that I will then be turned into the ***ch and all of my work will have been for nothing. My goal is to show him I'm 10x's the woman she is. I know I am, this woman has no morals, no brains and no integrety something I have all three. I guess if I have done as well as I have this far I deserve to give myself this chance with him home. If I decide it's not working then out the door he goes. I packed his stuff once I can do it again. <BR>I guess after having him gone for 3 weeks I need to see for myself if I even want him home. I need to see where I'm at as far as feelings for him. The kids also miss their dad especially the boys, is it fair of me to not give them their chance with their dad.<P>{What wicked webs infidelity weaves}

Looks like you made your decision and you know your situation best.<P>One thing to consider, however, is OW's hysterical shrillness. Long term you H will not like it. <P>What does he mean he can't abandon her. Could this be where you come in and work as a team to resolve this problem and do what it takes to either get her to leave or taken care of by social services?<P>Or does he mean he can not stop sleeping with her? <P>If he is asking you to live with that, can you be the sweet kind lady you have been and know what he is doing? I couldn't. So think about if you would lose all the progress you made in that situation anyway.<P>How could you be considered a B if you insisted your H was not sleeping with OW? That's just crazy. <P>You must be looking great in contrast to OW. Be careful, though to keep your H's respect. If he really thinks he can have his cake and eat it too he may belly up and be at the table for a while. <P>You may have a harder time winning him back in the long run if he sees you as "soft" which is different than committed love.<P>Best of luck!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Ok, here is my suggestion. First, all the things that you have been doing are RIGHT. He is seeing you in a new light and he is incredibly scared of losing you. You already know that you are far better than this other women. That is really all that matters. If your h thinks that by not letting him come him you are being a B-then let him. What has he been. Anyway, by telling him that he can't come back until he makes a decision about which of you he wants, the battle wil continue. I know, I let my h come back and it didn't get any better. I know your kids miss him and I know you do to. This is not the time to jepordize your principles and all that you have worked so hard for. However, all said, you need to do what feels right for you. May you can suggest that if moving back is really what he wants, you can try it out for a temporary time. I still think that you need at least another week to determine if this is what you want. As far as you having to live with the other women in your life-NO WAY. Be strong, we are here for you.

Thanks all, What a way to start a monday uh?<BR>I'm going to take the day and sort out my feelings and call him later. By seeing her he meant helping her get settled into an apartment ect. If it gets to be more than that I certainly won't put up with it. I still feel like I have the upper hand here. <BR>I plan on calling around today and looking for apartments for her myself today. She keeps telling him she can't find anything. We'll see what she has been up to if I find out different won't we.

Wow - <P>I think you owe it to yourself and your kids to only take him back if he completely "dumps" the OW. To me living with the knowledge you are sharing him is far worse than not havin ghim at all. <P>Even tho I am waiting on a decision, the affair is on hold and H is in guest room. It is all or nothing. There are too many good people out there that will treat us right! That is not easy to stomach when you want your spouse. I took my vows seriously that is why I am willing to work thru this mess - you too I am sure. But marriage does not include 3 poeple - only two. <P>Don't let him have his cake and eat it too!!!<P>YOU deserve better! Remember that.

OK guys I have gone against your advice and are letting him come home with restrictions. If he can't live with the restrictions then he is out! I have to work evenings all week this week so I won't see much of him anyway. I am glad he will be here to be with the kids this week. I don't know where this will go from here and I'm sure i will be hearing a lot of "I told you so's" in the near future but I feel I need this for my own self also. I don't know how I feel about him anymore but I think that after 15+ years of actually all in all a good marriage I need to give him this chance. Thanks to all of you for all of the support you have given me so far. If it were'nt for this forum I would have never made it this far as well as I have. You have all become very special to me.<P>Jill

Our prayers, our support and no "I told you so's"<P>If you and H can be on the same team to get woman out of life and get on to recovery, you've got a great chance.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I think you did the right thing, if only for the kids sake. You are obviously 100x the woman she is. Having both parents home is always the best thing for the children (unless someone's life is in danger, of course). I do have some experience on which to base this - there was a lot of conflict in my parents' marriage, and they even divorced and remarried each other long before I was born. I will be eternally grateful that they stayed together, and I think perhaps they were too - they stayed together for several more years after I moved out, until my father died. My mother was devastated by his death, and died only six months later.

bottom line is none of us know exactly what we would do in your situation. We can only guess what we would do with the pain we already experienced. I would keep a caller ID box hidden so you would know if she calls your house. I also would hit redial when you get home from work. I'm not sure what your sleeping plans are but be careful for your sake. I think I talk for everyone here that our concerns are with you, even though we don't know each other we have all lived and are still living through the pain. Good Luck, we are thinking about you!