My WS and I have been through bad times together. I was the WS before, and a repeat offender to the point that it drove us apart early this year.
In the past few months I have done alot of soul searching. We have done Plan A and maybe now we're in Plan B. But I do know that I want to make up for all the damage I've done to the marriage. I have continued telling myself that I should sit still, and listen to my BS's needs, and just be here. Something I hand't really done in the past. I'm trying to do all those things I know I did not do well before, all while we live apart.
The twist to this falls to what I just learned. While we are not legally or formally separated, my BS was playing the role of WS over the past few months. They went on vacation together to the islands, among other weekend getaways. All while telling me how messed up I was for what I had done to 'us', and endless questioning sessions of how could I have cheated and still said i loved them at the same time. And now, to learn that they did it, I learned something significant about myself. I understand why they went elsewhere for their ENs to be filled. I understand it. I really do. Am I angry? Yes because I had heard so many things about my mistakes, while they are enjoying an EA.
I've been told within the last few weeks that my BS/WS needs to move on. It's been back and forth though, I get the feeling that it's not really what they want, as they fear alot of our past coming back to haunt us. What I clearly don't understand is that it was an intentional effort, planned, for me to learn now that they had/are having an EA. Why put the effort forth now to hurt me after telling me that they are moving on and are 'done' with us. It's been months and the revenge is coming through now? I really don't think my BS/WS knows what they want. It's very confusing. I don't feel lost, just terribly confused by their confusion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
We do have a good core, there was true love, unquestioned love that has been buried under things that were generated from my longterm EA/PA. I am ashamed for what i did. I just want them back. I've uncovered my love, and want so badly to give it to them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
it's a rough night.
