hello, i have been reading some of the discussions here and i am finding a lot of them very useful, both for myself and my husband. he does not know i've been looking here for advice. i know i will be judged, but i am prepared for that. i am the 'fence sitter' and until recently was the cake eater too. don't know if anyone can offer any advice, not even really sure i have a question. but i have managed to put myself in a place i thought i'd never be. i have a loving husband, we've only been married a year. we've lived together for three years. probably the major thing missing in our relationship is the conversation, like everyday stuff, we're good at communicating if we disagree on something. somehow, something happened and i managed to allow myself to fall in love with a guy from work. of course, he is an excellent communicator, and through email and just talking and spending time together (lunch, break) we fell completely in love, and i know someone here won't agree but we actually painted a picture of a future together. i started comparing him and my husband, and naturally this guy looks pretty good. now i am so confused and so lost. the other guy and i actually went to see a counsellor together to help us understand how this was able to happen when we both thought we were in good relationships (he has since split up with his fiancee of two years, and they were together for five and lived together). he says to me, how could he stay with her when he was able to fall in love and see a future with me. i dont know if i feel the same, in fact i dont know what i truly feel. what are you supposed to listen to, your head or your heart or your gut? i am actually in love with two people, and i am so scared of making the wrong decision. i told my husband about how i fell in love with someone else,and somehow he still wants me. at least for now, i feel terrible for hurting him. i still want to make the right decision though. i am away from both of them for the next two weeks (advice from marriage counsellor) so i have some time to think. feeling very depressed though. sorry this is so long, i feel very desperate right now. i appreciate anything anyone here has to offer, from what i have read so far, there are some very educated people on the topic of affairs. i think it is important that i mention that although our marriage has been relatively normal, i have been the one who speaks disrespectfully. i feel frustrated a lot of the time with H. we can go a whole day in the same house without saying a word to eachother, and that seems perfectly fine to H. it's like he is happy enough but i am not. one of my fears is for our future, he is a pilot and as his career progresses, i am finding myself less and less willing to accommodate that lifestyle of moving around, him not being home half the time. all of this realization happened to occur at the same time i met OM. any insight would be so helpful, thank you.

Just some points:
How come you are willing to seek counseling with the OM but not your husband? A bit like an alcoholic trying to enroll his whisky in Al-Alnon…

Communications is both ways. Have you told your husband that you are unhappy? Have you told him he needs to step up time with you?

Did he become a pilot after the marriage? When you married where you not aware of the fact that pilots… fly? If so then do you find it appropriate to complain about his working hours? Time together is not quantity but quality.

I’m not too happy with your MC… Feel he is enabling the affair and giving recommendations based on your and OM view. If this is the way you want to go then the only professional you need to meet is a divorce lawyer.

You need to seek individual counseling.

Is your H aware of the situation? Does he know all?

I honestly feel that in such a young marriage you have unresolved personal issues that you have to resolve anyway. Like you not being able to tell H to fulfill your emotional needs (have you told him what they are?) and him not communicating. These are issues you will have to face in your next relationship if you break up so you have to learn how to deal with them. Why not learn it in this relationship and give it a shot?

I hope you've read enough here to understand that this is just a rationalization and justification that your brain needed to come up with to accomodate doing the unthinkable...having an affair. Probably the same thing with communication as you lived with your husband for 3 years and still found him desirable enough to marry and he will/can get better.

I am suprised to not hear you state this one...how once you got married everything changed or did not change, depending on the complaint. If your husband is like me, he probably threw himself into his career after you got married under the mistaken belief that being a good provider was your most important needs (because it is one of his most important needs). Likewise, he didn't converse with you because it was not his need and he had know idea it was your #1 need (even though you told him a hundred times). The result...you felt neglected. Doesn't make an affair OK.

Anyway, welcome to MB...as you know we are here to assist you with saving your marriage. I agree with Bigger. Your counselor made a mistake. You should go home and work on your marriage. Two weeks alone...no way. I hope it's not really two weeks with OM (my wife pulled that one).

Forget about OM...perhaps easier said than done, but you must end all contact with him and try to work out your marriage. You can not work on your marriage with OM involved or otherwise in contact with you period. If you fail to try to fix your marriage you most definitely will regret it, someday. As Dr. Phil says, you've got to earn your way out of this one.

You've only got one life to live so choose to live it well, with no regrets. Go home to hubby and commit yourself to making your marriage with him the best it can be. Nobody taught you or me how to be married. With MB principles you and your husband can perhaps obtain a far better marriage than you ever dreamt possible. It worked for me.

As far as OM. He aint all that. There are a million guys out there that can communicate, including your husband. OM is more about how he makes you feel about yourself than how you feel about him and what he does with you...he will do to you (think of his poor fiancee...on the other hand at least she got away from this guy before it was too late). Do you honestly think your different than her...that he would never do that to you?

Now look at your husband. He is willing to take you back despite your affair. Now that is love. That is commitment. Isn't that what you ultimately want...to be loved, regardless of who you are or what you have done.

You made some poor choices...time to start making some good choices. It will not be easy. Read and post here. BTW, your responses will increase if you stick around for awhile and participate in a little dialogue.

Good luck...Go Home...your husband wants and needs you.

Mr. Wondering

thank you for your replies, and your advice. i want to clarify that the counsellor i initially went to see was when i first realized i was falling in love with OM and needed some help understanding my feelings, and how i was able to let it get so far. i asked OM to come wth me, probably a mistake,but looking back i think i was trying to validate to somebody, anybody, that the feelings were true. after that, he has been my own counsellor. he mostly just listens to me, because he realizes that i am actually in love with two people and am struggling with it. the only thing he has prescribed me thus far is time. time to think, i believe. really explore what itt is i am missing, like has been suggested. the MC i refer to is the one my H and i have seen together, two completely different people. she also recommended time. i first went to her myself, and i told her i was unable to stop spending time wih OM, it is true what you say MrWondering, that i feel better when i am with him. we can talk for hours. i have no doubt that if it were to continue, it would become more physical. i know it is unfair to H to compare because OM fills a need i have that H cannot, or at least hasn't up until now. i also know you can't change a person, you are who you are. if H is the quiet simple type then that's who he will remain.
something else i wanted to say was when H and i met, he was a pilot at a small airline where he would come home every night. i worked at the same company and was being groomed to fly there as well. however company went bankrupt and that started me on a path of what has now become a realization that i am not going to fly for a living. after three years, i am finally ok with it, truly. this has changed me. thinking back, i see a lot of immaturity in myself, that maybe is still not resolved, considering i let OM into my life. for example, wanting to be a pilot, marry a pilot, and be a mother. based on my values of how i wanted to raise future children (be there for them) this waS clearly a contradiction. for whatever reason, which is the core problem i believe, i simply ignored it and went along with my plan to fly. so bigger, i understand why you felt the need to ask the obvious question, what did i expect, didn't i realize he would fly. but i think that is what scares me the most. the thought of the big airlines seemed so distant, and my decision making is clearly not very good, and here i am now, faced with the imminent fact that he will eventually have the opportunity to have a job that takes him away for around half the month. but is that what i really want in my life? however, to put the blame solely on the job is foolish, despite the fact that there is an 85% divorce rate amongst pilots. it does possibly explain why i allowed OM into my life though. here was a person who could give me things i was lacking, and have been askingfor for several months, craving for at least two years, conversation, fun, interesting lifestyle, not mundane, boredom. and since he has the 9 - 5 job i used to resent but i now live and have accepted as a good balance, i see him as a potential mate for life, father of future children.
i am sorry for this being so long. for some reason i feelthe need to justify how i feel.
i am in another country, far away from both H and OM, but really on the advice of MC, who is the only one who knew i was still having lunch, coffee whatever with OM, she said i needed to get myself somewhere where i won't be tempted to see OM. so that is why i went away for two weeks. it is hard, but i know those who are victims here don't really care about that but the fact is my heart is breaking while i try to make an attempt at rescuing my marriage. i talk to H every day, and he knows i need to do this, he doesnt' know the whole reason why but MC told me to go with my gut. and my gut said to get away or i would make a big mistake. the decision i need to make is not whether to leave H for OM, it is whether H and i are and will be happy together, with the work that is required. i appreciate all advice, especially from those victimized by their spouses.
my H has shown me incredible character, willing to fight for me. he is scared, and i try to reassure him that i am away for us. i think he is starting to believe me. from what i have read on these boards, we have a long road ahead of us. but honestly, i can't just fall out of love with a person. it is going to take a very conscious effort every minute of my day. but it is worth it. for me, marriage is not something to be taken lightly, despite my actions, and that means that i feel willing to give it everthing i've got and stay positive. maybe it wont' work, but i know i need to try, for myself. otherwise what would marriage really mean to me if i could just get out of it just like that. i am emotionally unable to give it 100% right now, and i am honest with H in saying that. but i feel i will be able to, hopefully soon. writing this down is helping.
mr wondering, i am not ready to go home yet. H questions are too hard to deal with right now, like what is going to happen? i dont have the answers, so he pushes me away in a sense. it is not only about how much the person you are with loves you, it has to be about how much you love that person too. i believe it will come back. i need time. seeing how much i hurt him only makes me feel guilty and takes the focus off trying to repair things. so i feel i am justified in going away for a couple of weeks. really it is not that long.
i want to participate in some dialogue as you suggest, i'm just not sure anyone here wants to really hear from the person causing the hurt in someone else's life, and so i stay quiet mostly. just read. even if no one else responds to this i feel things are becoming more clear as i write.
thank you for your time bigger and mrwondering, just to know that there are people who have been hurt and who still feel they can help another person makes me feel like things aren't completely hopeless.

Quick response.

You stated correctly the old adage "you can't change husband". However, your husband can most certainly choose to change himself.

You see thats really what recovery is all about. Accepting and loving your mate regardless and then focusing all your efforts at looking inside yourself and making the necessary changes to yourself. After you both become better individuals, your marital issues become that much easier to deal with.

However, none of this can be accomplished until you are done with OM for life. Trust us, a relationship built on lies and betrayal is a relationship doomed to fail. The statistics back it up. From what I've read the number is like 3% of marriages to OP are together after 5 years. I bet 90% of the OP's truly believe they are that 3%...but your chances with OM suck...so dump him. I have no contempt for your OM...I'm not saying this because I am a BS...it's just the only way.

Mr. Wondering

Hello feelingsolost,

I'm not going to try and sway you one way or another but I will mention a few things based on my experiences here ok?

The first thing is: how can you ever trust a man who would willingly get involved with a married woman? Really think about that.Not what you are doing,let's look at the OM.He may make you feel good with what he says and does,but,isn't he just using you? Do you not see that? He has problems of his own or he wouldn't be involved with you.His poor fiance is now a victim to all this pain and suuffering too and although the both of you may be feeling good,how can this man be decent doing what he is? The issue I see all the time here is that people such as yourself who are cheating always see the other person( OP) as some good and moral innocent being when that just isn't the case.In time,and I can all but guarantee this,you will come to see the OM in true light and the passion,if you can call it that,for him will fade.It ALWAYS does.Reality comes pouring in and then that is when you start to say,what have I done?

The OM may work 9-5 and talk well with you but they are all adept at being supportive,comforting and even making you think they listen to you like no one else ever has and makes you feel so important.You commiserate with one another about your "terrible" home lives and how great it would be if we just take off together,us against the world.That is all fantasy.Do you really think it will all be a bed of roses if you do take off and start a new life with this OM? Do you really know him or do you think you do? He most definitely is not a man who respects marriage or vows or other's.He is out for himself as much as you might disagree with my assessment.He may work 9-5 but I am sure he has other issues/problems that you aren't even aware of yet.No one is the "perfect mate".We all have to deal with things and try to make it work.

Now you.What does seeking out and giving all your attention to another man say about you? Aren't you using excuses just to feel good? Wouldn't we all like to feel good but isn't that just a fantasy too? Life has a way of interfering with that fsl.There are kids,schedules,work,bills,laundry,illness,family issues,etc.Isn't it about the way we handle ourselves in this life that is important? Aren't are choices what defines us? Are you willing to go the whole nine yards and be the kind of woman to cheat and end her marriage just to feel good or are you the kind to work on it and make it the best it could be? It can be done you know.One key factor is staying away from the opportunist that is OM.Does marriage mean anything to you? Aren't you blessed to have a man stand by you despite the enormous pain of being cheated on? You can stop loving OM but only until you stop contact and focus on your H and marriage.You may never forget him but you will come to realize what type of person he is.There are several other women here who were unfaithful who I hope will come and talk to you.

Part of what I would suggest fsl is that you go back home to your H.If you want a chance to make this marriage survive before he decides to leave YOU then you have to act now.Staying away from everyone is not helping really.You have to re-enter your life and stop avoiding the obvious.As a betrayed wife,I stood by my WH for some time but it was not going to be forever.I would not allow myself to be treated that way where he saw the homewrecker everyday.Your H is at risk for this too.He is a human being with feelings too and I can't express how extremely painful it is to be betrayed in this fashion.It's crushing.

Marriage is what you make of it and you also made the mistake of thinking that some other guy is the answer to your problems whether it be depression,boredom,loneliness or whatever.If you are not fulfilled in your own life,no one can fix that for you,ever.It's up to you to make appropriate choices that do not hurt other's.

We are a PRO marriage site and if you want help saving your marriage,we can most definitely help with that but we will not support Infidelity in any manner.

Good luck with your decisions.

O

fl, several excellent points have been made and I would like to emphasize Octobergirls' point about this forum. This is a PRO-marriage website. We can help you restore your marriage, but you won't find support for the pursuit of an immoral, putrid affair. Just understand that you are in the right place if your goal if the former, you are in the wrong place if it is the latter.

I would also like to ask if your H knows about this affair and knows that you have taken your affair partner to counseling with you? He has a right to know everything about your affair because this is information about his to which he is entitled.

To withhold facts frm him about his life is cruel and manipulative. He may not choose to stay in a marriage with an adulterous wife and he should not be denied that choice. To not tell him the truth about his own life is to keep him in the marriage based on a lie, which is extremely cruel and heartless.

So, please do the compassionate thing and tell him the truth about his own life. He has a right to this information, much more so than your affair partner. Your H can't very well take action if he doesn't know the real problem.

i dont want anybody here to think that i am in some way trying to justify the A. or that i am looking for support for it. what i was really hoping for was to hear from others who had an A and could tell me what they went through, while trying to get their marriage back. i am fortunate to have a supportive H i know that. i have been honest with him and the truth is, he doesn't want to know everything i talked about with OM. i can appreciate that some people would want to know everything. but he doesn't seem to, at least not right now.

i understand those who want me to be punished. especially when they are the people who have been hurt. i am really hoping someone here who has admitted to having the A will be willing to explain to me what i will be going through. even if it's only by PM because i don't want people to think i am trying to justify the A, but the fact is it happened, and i fell in love and although some cannot see this, i do see a future with him. i want people to know that i am trying with every effort i have to put my focus on my M but i'm not going to deny that right now it is very hard.

i need advice from those who have gone through it, and how they handled themselves. much of what has been pointed out to me is very valuable, and i thank you. i am questioning if i made the right decision marrying H in the first place, if i am capable of an A. i question my judgment a lot. we have no children, and i am afraid now of starting a family with H if i am not sure about our relationship.

i am feeling very desperate right now, because the truth is i miss OM very much. it feels like someone died. isn't there anyone out there who can relate to this feeling? i am not feeling very strong right now and it is unfair for people to just state forget about OM. the fact is it is going to take time and i really need someone who understands this and has been through it. please.

feelingsolost,

First, I don't get the impression from the responses to your posts that anyone wants to see you punished. I don't want to see you punished. Some have questioned the appropriateness of your choices, but that's a far cry from condemning you.

If you would like responses from WSs or FWSs, I would recommend putting a note to that fact in the subject of your first post (something like "? for FWSs" or something similar). This board sees a lot of volume and it's easy for a post to be overlooked (this has scared me away from posting for a while). People like to see something descriptive in the subject of the thread.

Having said that, I'm sure that there are plenty of FWSs out there who would be happy to share their experiences with you. In the meantime, there are several threads of FWSs out there where you can read about their experiences. The search function on this board is a bit cumbersome, so I'll see if I can find some of those threads and post links to them here.

Finally, with respect to PMs: I've read that the PM function has been disabled on this site (because of the role that improper private discussions play in the cultivation of affairs).

Take care, and keep posting. People will begin to respond.

Feelingsolost,

Read the thread "Do the feelings ever go away?" in the In Recovery side.

feelings, no one here has suggested "punishment," [huh?] but rather that you focus on solutions rather than the OM. Obsessing about the OM will not help you recover. Yes, you will think about him, he is an addiction frm which you will withdraw, just as a crack addict withdraws from crack. But the addiction goes away by focusing, as best you can, on solutions rather than wallering in the problem. When you go to NA meetings, they don't recover by sitting around regaling themselves about the wonder of crack and how much they miss it. Instead they focus on ways to live clean; ie: solutions. That is what you will find here: solutions.

Feelingsolost,

Welcome to MB… I understand what you’re going through and I can emphasize with you. I’m a FWW who also “fell in love” with a man at my work a few years ago. This happened while I was happily married and never wanted to do anything to hurt my dear H... Me and XOM mostly corresponded on e-mail. The friendship became inappropriate and crossed boundaries into beginning of EA during the 3rd year of e-mail contact (read my signature line). Sadly the immature "in love" feelings for XOM caused me to lost touch with reality, I started to get confused and as a result I started to question my M and love for my dear H (see this post to give you more info on this) - this is a good example of the "fog" I've found myself in. Also read my story (the link) in my signature line to get my full story.

You will see that, like you, I also thought that something like this would never happen to me, but the fact is, this can happen to anyone if not cautious and careful and if not putting firm & strong boundaries in place with the opposite sex and especially with opposite sex friendships... Please get hold of the book “Not just Friends” by Shirley Glass to give you better insight and understanding into this. Here is a link to a great article on emotional infidelity in the workplace (just click on the link).

Feelingsolost, I wanted to post to let you know that you’re not alone, that I have been where you currently are but that there is hope for you and your situation. You can overcome this and you can save your marriage, but then you have to make the right choices and start doing the right things. The following thread will be of much help to you in this regard. Please read it and put the whole guide into practise:

A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

As soon as you end all contact with OM (this is one of the first steps you'll need to take), you will start going through "withdrawal" from him. You will find this thread on withdrawal very helpful. I’ve compiled the withdrawal guide and you can read more there about what I’ve gone through after my EA ended.

Feelingsolost, I’m leaving from work now so if you have any questions, I will be back here tommorrow to assist you.

Take care,
Suzet

fsl

Welcome to MB. I should tell you from the beginning I am the BS in my situation but I am not being judgemental. If fixing you marriage is what you want, then you are in the best place. Many people here will help you. I will have to make this quick as I am at work too and buried in paperwork. Please listen to my points on this post.

1) your affair was wrong, you know that much already
2) break contact. You should start NC immediately
3) read His Needs Her Needs and Survivnig an Affair by the Harleys
4) Go back home to your husband who loves you
5) It is normal the feelings you are experiancing for OM by breaking contact. It will get worse, but it will go away if you put forth an effort to work on your marriage.
6) find another marriage counselor. call the Harleys. They are excellent.

Finally, listen to some pros here. I am far from a pro. I applaud you for seeking some advice, but remember, Some of the advice you recieve may be hard to hear but it is for your own good. If you keep posting you will get advice also from FWS's.

Good luck. I will pray for you.

I wish my wife would post so please understand we are not beating up on you. We all truely want your marraige to succeed.

no cute name- thanks for the idea of posting with a different subject line. there is a lot of action on these boards and it's a little overwhelming.

lealas- i hadn't thought to look in recovery, so i will try that. thank you.

melody lane, while i appreciate some of what you say, your convictions of comparing an actual person i love to an addiction i just cannot agree with. those are your beliefs, and you are entitled to them. please allow me to come to terms with this while realizing that i do actually believe that this other person loves me, and that i love him. i have to force myself to 'unlove' another human being. that feels to me like he has died. to compare him to being addicted to crack or something else to me is inappropriate and uncaring. take it however you like. others will disagree with me but i stand firm on that.

suzet, thank you so much. i cannot thank you enough. that was what i was hoping for, someone honest and truthful about what i have to look forward to in the next several months. and what my H has to prepare for as well. reading your posts and links really hit home just how much is involved in recovering from this, for both myself and my husband. thank you again.

waiting on love, it must take a lot of courage for you to even care about what i'm going through, but it shows your character, just like my H is showing my his character right now.

i am coming to terms with the fact that in order for my marriage to be saved, i have to find some way of telling OM that it is over,and really let him know i mean it (whether i am actually ready to or not). i have told him a couple of times now that i want to stop seeing him and work on my marriage. he gets upset, he is very emotional, and that is very hard for me. i know that this is not recommended, but i am going to talk to him face to face to tell him. even if no one here thinks he deserves any sympathy, the fact is i love him, and i feel i owe it to him to tell him it's completely over in person. i don't require any feedback on that. we work in the same department, and for now it is staying that way, my H has agreed, as long as i abide by his rules. OM and i never have to work together, we have separate jobs, and the only time we would ever have to be in the same room would be at the staff meeting. we'll see if i can take it. i have already told OM that if one or both of us are unable to handle it, i will do my best to find another job.

likely part of the reason my H can even comprehend my feelings is because he was married once, unofficially separated (hadn't seen hs exwife in 8 months), met me at work, and then four months later decided to divorce her, mostly to be with me. i never mentioned it before because i didn't want anyone to think i was using it as a reason to justify the A. the only reason i mention it now is because i feel that you either have some idea of what it's like to find yourself in this predicament, on some level you can understand where the WS is coming from, or you have never been there and you have no idea. H says that it has a lot to do with why he is giving me the benefit of the doubt that i will some day, hopefully soon, be able to give it 100% and that he is going to do everything he can to ensure a happy marriage for us both, and he expects nothing less from me. although i suffer from depression, and have before the A, i took dr.'s advice and am on A/D. they are not working yet, but she said it might take a few weeks.

i can't begin to describe how much it is helping for me to write this down, and to hear from real people who have or are dealing with similar problems. i am so glad i found this website.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. Since you are thinking about talking to OM in person about ending contact, I thought you might read what Harley has to say about ending contact -


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Look at M.S.'s husband. Here he is, thousands of miles from his lover, and yet he still feels compelled to call her. Can you imagine the trouble M.S. would have had separating them if they had not moved? Their move was the best thing that could have happened to their marriage because it not only revealed the affair, but it also set up the conditions that would make ending it possible -- total separation.

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

fsl

I think you are about to make another huge mistake.

You will not be succesful on your NC conversation. One of the reason is your emotions. Your emotions will run away with you when you see how "pitiful" he will be. You will be overun with guilt for him, not love, and it will fail.

You can't say your goodbyes in person and it work. You must end it with a letter, explaining that what you have done is wrong. There are plenty of NC style letters on this site.

That is the only way this will work.

As one said earlier, your true love is the one wiling to put up with this crap and crap is what he will have to put up with for a very long time. Your husband is the one that going to have to deal with all this the most. You should go to your husband, tell him you want to end it with the OM and write a letter that your husband approves of and allow him to mail it.

You will also need to find another job most likely. I don't know your complete circumstances but a new job is easier to find and much less painful than ending a marriage.

I sense you do love your husband and I know he loves you or he would have sent you packing the day you owned up to everything.

That is not the case though.

Also, as someone else mentioned. Why would you want to have a relationship with someone that was born out of lies and deceit. What kind of a man is the OM to carry on with a married women, and heck, he has shown you his ugly side by dumping his fiance. What a jerk !!! Can't you see what you are walking into.

A face to face breakup is not NC. It will only make things worse.

End it tonight with a letter. Please !!!!

You sound soooooo much like my FWW here! She too refused to believe it was an 'addiction' that she felt for the OM. That was soon cleared up, albeit via a "closure" meeting with the OM and limited exposure post D-Day, both of which showed the type of person he REALLY was.

But whether or not it's "love" or an "addiction", the fact is that your M is suffered the horror and indignity of an A. What are you going to do about it?

BTW - my FWW also felt that she and the OM could continue to work together after D-Day. As the fog dissipates, this situation became more and more uncomfortable. She resigned recently.

So you have a choice here: continue believing the way you do and let your H and M suffer through several more months while you repeat the same mistakes (e.g. it's real love; limited contact is acceptable) that others have made here, including me, or take an example from our mistakes and find a way to move on.

Oh I forgot to tell you. After reading ManInMotion, my WW could not believe hers was an addiction either. She said it was love. Barf !!! It was not love and I insisted on calling it an addiction. She refused to call it that. Even though we are no were near recovery she has now come to the conclusion that at least I was right on the addiction thing.

It is truely amazing that everyone thinks their case is so special and unique. You will find there is no uniqueness at all. Only the names, face, places change. Oh sure sometimes it is the husband, sometimes the wife, heck sometimes both, but the real root problems are still all the same.

You will come to one day see it as the addiction that is was but if you choose to continue down the path you are on you will destroy any chance of building a new marriage.

The old marriage is done and dead. You both have to start something new. If you don't you will repeat this all over again, and guess what you will be destined to repeat something similar with your next relationship.

Because you see, you don't understand why it happened in the first place. You don't understand your weakness therefore you don't understand how to protect yourself.

Listen to the pros on this sight. Heck they can't all be wrong. Why do you think there is a common thread running on this post. You can't beat the odds your way.

Welcome to MB. I applaud you for taking the initiative to at the least really stop and look at what you are doing.

You will find quite a few FWS's on this site and I hope you read up on some of their stories.

I would personally suggest a counseling session with the Steve Harley. I know you are seeing a counselor now but I STRONLY encourage you to take the time to talk with him at least once.

I was the BS and I saw what a difference the counseling with Steve Harley can make. He understands and can really break down the fears you have and help you get a handle on your own feelings.

Some things that occured to me while reading your posts that Steve said to my x:

1. You are going to have to take a leap of faith in your marriage. No getting around it. Right now you can't see around the corner to what possibilities there are in your marriage because you are blinded by the affair. If you wait for some 'sign from God' or the 'A-HA' moment, you may never get it because your eyes aren't open to recognize it.

2. You will never regret trying to save your marriage but if you walk away you will always wonder what could have happened. When reality slams into your affair relationship and the problems that come with all marriages surface, you WILL wonder if you did the right thing and it will haunt you. The regret that will come from walking away from your husband will outweigh any wondering about OM.

I wish you the best of luck.

FIM

I suggest working on recovering "yourself."
Focus on that.

For perspective - I am a FWW.

Do your values allow for this? Do you think its OK to fall in love with someone else and leave your husband? What will the other people in your life (parents, siblings, other family) feel about this? Do you feel that an affair is wrong?

If so, end it. For the simple reason that its the right thing to do. Its not worth losing yourself over. And by that I mean you will lose all respect for yourself. Good luck starting a new relationship when you despise your own actions....ya know?

Octobergirl also brought up the lack of respect you should have for OM. That will grow. Your expectations of him will be unreachable -- you will have given up so much for him there is no way for him to compensate you for your losses.

Go read about withdrawal. It takes longer than 2 weeks, but those feelings will go away. (Not if you keep seeing him everyday at work tho!)