Feelingsolost,
I am a FWW. You are not alone in this. Listen to the advice you get on here.

No matter how hard it is to stop contact with the OM you need to do so. Dont learn the hard way that your marriage should be number one and it should be given your full attention. If you have that chance to rebuild your marriage, take it. Dont let any feelings you believe you have for someone else ruin your marriage.

You also need to look at the reasons why you made the choice to turn to someone else and also look inside to see what things about yourself you need to work on. For me there has been so many things I needed and still need to work on. How I felt about myself was a big one. An A is a very selfish and might I say...stupid thing to do. You are not a horrible person for doing what you did, just one that needs some work. Like I said listen to the advice you get on here. Some might be tough on you. There is a lot of emotion going on here.

As for what to expect in the coming weeks and months following this...expect it all. Emotions will run away from you and the feelings of guilt and pain will be overwheling. I look to God for my strength because I would be just dying inside if I didnt. My H is choosing to D me and even though it hurts and I want my marriage, I know its out of my hands right now. We have to live with the consequences of our actions. Your H will feel so much and it will change from day to day. There are many books that alot of people will tell you to read. I suggest you get the books and read them all and even takes notes.

I wish you the best. Its a really hard and painful road you and your H are on now. I wish the best for you and will say a prayer for you and your Husband.

God bless.

Feelingsolost, I’m glad you’ve found my post and links helpful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Feelingsolost, on one stage I also couldn’t accept the idea that the feelings I had for XOM was compared to an addiction, but you know what? It actually IS the same no matter how unacceptable it may sound to you at this stage and no matter how much you feel “in love” with the OM… Remember the thread I’ve sent you on withdrawal? Well, when you stop all contact with the OM, you will start experiencing withdrawal from him similar to an alcoholic who will experience withdrawal from alcohol as soon as he/she stops consuming alcohol. Please read the following from Dr Harley’s Question & Answer column again to give you more insight into this:

[color:"blue"] ”Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.

Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.

It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.”[/color]

Also read the following again from my withdrawal thread:

[color:"blue"] An A IS an addiction and it does affect the brain chemistry of a WS/FWS. It is a feedback system where some behavior causes good feelings (chemicals) to be released and gradually you become dependent on those feelings. So thinking of the OP is sort of self-medicating when the FWS feels a little down.

It can take weeks to months for this to pass and that’s why No Contact is so hard because some of the residual feelings and response linger for a long time. With time, the "feelings" attached to remembering the OP will fade.[/color]

You’re just going to make it more difficult for both you and OM if you’re going to try and end the A in person. It’s NOT going to work. Simply because you’re both very emotional right now and will not be able to think straight and logically. You are just too much emotionally involved.

A NC-letter is really the best way to deal with this issue for ALL parties involved – for you, your H and the OM… A NC-letter (which your H must approve before you send it) will also help to show your H that you are really remorseful and willing to do anything it takes to stop this A and save your M…

You said you feel you owe it to OM to tell him it is completely over in person and that you have sympathy with him, but Feelingsolost, what about the feelings of your H? Doesn’t he deserve so much more? Don’t you have sympathy for him too and feel you owe it to your H to end the A in such a way that it will show him that you’re serious about ending the A and that he and this M is first on your priority list?

Please do the right thing and don’t give in to your feelings of doing it YOUR way... If you want to safe your M and recover form this A, you need to start putting your H above the OM and stop worrying about the OM’s feelings instead of your H’s feelings. Yes, ending the A WILL be painful for the OM…just as it will be painful to you, but there is no way you’re going to make the pain easier for OM. It will be painful no matter if you send a NC letter or try to end it “nicely” in person.

Here is a sample of NC letters to help you (just click on the link).

My advice is to quit your job or find another job ASAP if possible. Continuous contact (no matter how limited the contact) IS going to prolong you personal and marital recovery. You will find it very difficult (if no impossible) to recover and “get over” the OM if you’re going to see him now and then. If you can’t quit your job right now, I advise you to do anything you can to reduce contact with OM at work to the absolute minimum and to avoid ANY type of contact with him…even if you have to stop going to places you might bump into him or stop going to the staff meetings where you will see him. See if you can arrange something with your superior if possible.

Feelingsolost, from experience I can tell you that occasional contact with the OM is NOT a good thing and have a MAJOR impact on personal and marital recovery (also for the personal recovery of your H). Occasional contact will also prolong your withdrawal period and it will take you much longer to “get over” OM. Even if your H is okay with you working at the same place than OM, I still advise you to quit your job and/or find another one if possible.

I still work at the same company than XOM due to personal and environmental reasons & circumstances. Although me and XOM don’t work together or bump into each other very often, just the knowledge that the XOM work in the same company than me and the awareness that his office id just one building away from me, made it very difficult for me to get him out of my system and complete the withdrawal process. The only reasons I could succeed in my recovery and “get over” the XOM in spite of occasional contact was because I was 100 % committed to my H and M; committed to stay away from the XOM as far as possible and willing to do whatever it took to avoid contact with XOM within the company to the absolute minimum.

Today, more than 2 years later, I still avoid XOM like the plague. I will forever be “on guard” as far as the XOM and contact with him is concerned. I know my personal and marital recovery would be so much faster if our circumstances was different and of such a nature that I could quit my job and/or find another one. Therefore, if YOU are in a position to quit your job and/or find another one, don’t even hesitate to do that… If you can leave your job, it will cut the time for recovery A LOT.

The occasional contact was not so much of an issue for my marital recovery, but more specifically for my own personal recovery (which indirectly had an influence on marital recovery and my connection with my H). It is very difficult to "get over" the OP and get the person out of your system if you know the potential of accidental contact is always there. And although I feel indifferent towards the XOM for the larger part now, seeing him will always remind me of that dark period in my life and all the negative emotions associated with it.

Occasionally, I also still have the temptation to “dwell” on certain thoughts about XOM and the feelings I had for him... This doesn’t happen very often, but after all this time the tendency to have these thoughts is not completely gone yet. I still have to fight against this from time to time. I don’t know why…maybe it’s Satan’s way to attack me or maybe it's consequences of occasional contact I sometimes still have to endure? Or maybe it’s because I still have a weakness inside of me? I don't know... I also had to cope with XOM's attempts to try and contact me at work from time to time in spite of the NC-letters I've sent him. So Feelingsolost, if you can leave your job, you won't have to cope with similar things I struggled with and still have to struggle with from time to time... It really holds back the recovery process and it's not worth it...

Hope this will help to give you better perspective. I also hope you will continue to post here and put the advice into practice.

Blessings,
Suzet

You have been given excellent advice which you'd be wise to follow and the only thing I can offer you is the following:

"What the OM does with you, he can one day do to you"

Why do I say this? It is because a man that knowingly gets involved with a married woman is showing his utter disrespect for the institution of marriage, and one day will feel justified in getting involved with another woman.