i am reposting this hopefully to get this poster some help....please read and help...

Hello again, I just wanted to express my thanks to everyone here for being open and helpful.

Brief story of me. Very bad year, I had found out that my wife had some hidden email acccounts kinda by accident. She had been spending large amounts of time on the internet in a chat room and I was always wondering what was going on. I found out my answers after I was allerted by somone that my car was in a motel parking lot completely that devestated me. The lies began that day and got bigger all the time. Wife was supposed to be at her mothers was not. parents had been interduced to this guy, her mother I am pretty sure knows everthing that happened.

Wife stated that she was just going to ignore the other man and he would just go away. Not that easy other man kept calling the phones and hanging up on me constantly.

Man kept calling her mother and taling about himself promising the word to everyone and how good of a guy he is blaa blaa I am so rotten. I think that this still happens.

Wife told me it was all my fault she had been trying for years and I just gave up then she did. Funny though I was told that this year was the best anniversary we had together?.

I am still kinda left in the dark I am told that her mother does not want to talk to this guy but he will not let it go and she does not want to be mean to him and tell him to stop calling.

I sometimes will get a little more information about what happened and a little more been about 6 months since d-day.

Wife tells me to let it go she does not think of other man unless I talk about it. I do try not to talk about it or think about it. Funny how the pain rushes at me even though things seem good. I have read things and i do wonder if I should just get over it and let it go instead of reminding myself of how bad things had become.

I continue to write her love letters and give her cards. I was advised that maybe I am smothering her. i am not trying to do that, we joke around but things sometimes end up with me wanting to hear the I love yous and I want to hear I would never hurt you again. What I get it is alright I think everything will be alright I do love you. I just wonder what her emotional capability is at this point.

I do want to move forward heck I am moving forward. I no longer fall into a panic attack everytime I go to work and spend the majority of the time crying or not obsessing. I am just trying to love with all that I have loving again like I am not afraid to be hurt giving every ounce of me to someone that has betrayed me. Changing my ways to be a very attentive and loving husband that askes how was your day, are you ok is anything bothering you do you want to talk about anything what can I do for you. I probably am pushing to hard. I try to not bring up other man. I try to understand my failings in the relationship to be a better man for her. I have never cheated or physically harmed my wife ever.

I ramble soo bad. All I know is that I am giving everything. that is all I want in return. I asked her please don't go to the chat room. I get you are driving me crazy that is the reason I will leave you you are so controlling I have to be under your thumb all the time. You need to let it go I am an adult and will talk to who I want when I want. I just tell her that is a big trigger for me and ask her to understand. She does not seem to. She yells at me and i sit there and ask why do you have to yell at me, I am not yelling at you I am only asking and explaining why I don't want you to do that. All the while it feels as if my heart is being ripped from my chest and the emptyness rushes in panic sets in questions come to mind.

I wish that she would understand me more i am to understand why this happened. I am to understand and belive that this will never happen again. I am supposed to forget that I felt as if I could not breath for months that I at times just felt like dying. I would just like a little undersatnding as well.

I was under the impression that two people could fall in love and be faithful no matter what and have a great life together. Why do most people always think the grass will be greener. Why are there so many manipulitive peole out there that they cannot respect the relationships of others. I think everything is ok with my wife. I know in my heart that I will never get lazy in the relationship again. I learned that you must make time to be with the person you are with love them show that everyday as much as you can. I cannot force anyone to do anything and I realize that but how do you get someone to see what they consider controlling is an opinion of what you belive may not be the best for your relationship with them. It is always why are you tring to control me. Like an idiot I though that I might be helping you.

Sorry for babbling again I will try to make my points clearer (if I have any points that seem valid) I do just want life back maybe I am naive to think this can happen that thigs can be soo much better. That someday I will not cry about this issue agian. I do so just want to get it right for the rest of my life no more anger no more fear no more tears just love compassion and understanding someday I will get it right. And I do want to get it right for her as well as me.

im sorry---the member is...confusedhubby16

Nikko,

What is his poster name and where did he post? Is he going to read our responses on GQII?

L.

he is confusedhubby16.....he posted on recovery---i moved it here and told him to come to gqII.

Thanks for moving the post. I will be checking back thanks.

welcome confused!!! i believe you will get more help here than on that last thread. glad i can help.

have you read up on plan a and b? have you read SAA? i will have to go back and go over you old posts to get a better feel before i offer any advice....hang on, hopefully we can help.

well, your ww is acting normal...deny, try to forget, act as if it was nothing, turn it around on you...blah blah blah....all according to the script.

first off....we are going to work on you. stop begging and sucking up. period. act loving but strong. read plan a....and get going with yours. will she fill out an emotional needs questionair? will you? can you possibly counsel with the harley's??? best money you will ever spend.

Welcome confusedhubby16

You will find a lot of help here.

Read Pepperbands Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Sorry if the hyperlink does not work, but I think the above will carry you to it.

Also, I aggree with nikko, your wife is acting normal all things considered. Normal in the fact of how she is in a fog.

Read all you can and begin your plan A.

Gods speed.

Hello I have read many of the marriage bulders free papers. I have also read a book called break free from the affir. DR. Robert Huizenga. My wife and I attended counciling in the beginning funny though I picked up her talking to OM about the counciling. She went but we are done with it now.

I was in a book store the other day looking at some material and she told me we don't need that we are doing fine.

She always tells me that things are ok and that she loves me (after I say them usually first though).

The OM has not been sent a no contact but I have expressed it to him and I think my wife has told him as well. My expression was not very nice though.

But this guy does not want to seem to give up to easy. He continues to spout babble from time to time to her mother about what a guy he is offering to do stuff for her. Supposedly her mother is sick of the calls as well just doesn't want to be mean.

I am and almost always was a very emotional person expressions of love and pain can roll out of me at times. I never wanted to be a mean person ever. But I cold care less if a bolt of lightning would strike OM down. I just wish he would leave it alone already.

I love my wife and always have. Just didn't show it well enough at times I am not perfect.

She tells me everything is fine but sometimes I feel like I need more. I don't think that she will look at the emotional needs questionare regaurding most as psyco babble bulls^&t.

Maybe I am just to needy a person. She has told me that I gave you my everything and you wasted it I will not do that again. I have many regrets about that. I don't know I just pray for the ability t o be the best husband I can be for her and the kids. I will be faithful and true til the end of my days.

I don't want to loose my wife as I do love her very much and cannot see myself sharing that kind of love with anyone else. Things are good until I ask to much I guess I have to let it go.

Confused:

We are here to help you through this ordeal and you are at the right place. Having said that, you have to remember that most of us will say what needs to be said instead of what you what to hear. Take no offense to that, just remember that we have all been on one side or the other of these ordeals and through our experiences knows what works and what will lead to ultimate disaster.

Your wife is not committed to your marriage at this time. Apparently you have made the committment to rebuild your marriage despite your W's betrayal but she continues to go to chat rooms, have occassional contact with OM, etc.

First thing that needs to be done is that you are going have to grow a sack and set some boundaries for her. The controlling pyscobabble is right out of the Handbook for Wayward Wives. You are a married couple and even though she didn't want to appreciate those boundaries prior to the A, she crossed the line and now has to help you recover through your pain of her betrayal or you will either be confined to a loveless marriage the rest of your life or wind up in D court.

Right now, you are her doormat. Yes, she is an adult. A married adult you might remind her that chose to get her needs filled outside of the marriage relationship. She has to take responsibility for her poor choices. You are both responsible for the state of the marriage prior to the affair but she and she alone is responsible for the despictable choices that she made to shack up with another man in order to fulfill her personal needs. Apparently she is still getting some of her emotional needs met outside the marriage by spending the time on the chat rooms. This is inappropriate for any married couple and certainly inappropriate for someone who has already used that vehicle to start down the slippery slope that leads to affairs. If you continue to allow her to partake in these activities, don't be a bit surprised if she becomes a serial cheater. Some smooth talking individual that can promise the world if she will meet up with him will come along sometime, if he hasn't already.

You need a plan to rebuild your marriage. First, you should both fill out the EN questionaires and find out how that both of you can meet each others most important needs. Secondly, you and your wife need to write a good NC letter to OM and state that you are working on your marriage and that it is inappropriate for OM to contact ANYONE in your family including your MIL. This needs to be sent certified mail by you.

You have to be a man that your wife respects. As you fill her emotional needs you must also establish boundaries for her that are dealbreakers. At this time, you want to save the marriage so badly that you will allow her to do whatever she wants to do without any recourse. This is not fair to you and not good for your marriage. Appropriate boundaries for your situation could include no chat rooms, promises for her to give you complete access to her emails, cell phone bill details, etc. and she needs to be able to fully account for her time at all times. I would also suggest that you install a keylogger on your computer so that you can monitor her activity. Do not let her know that you have installed this and if (I suspect that you will be surprised that the A may not be really over, just more undercover) you get additional incriminating information do not let her know where you got it. Just confront her with that information and let her know that you will not stay in a marriage where normal marital boundaries are not observed.

Probably the most important thing that you need to do right now is to get her to commit to a policy of radical honesty. Read about this on this site. If she wants to rebuild your marriage she should be willing to give you any information about the affair, what led up to the A, and anything else that you want to know. Once she is committed to this policy, be careful what you ask for. There are some things that you probably won't want to know and will cause you only to continue to obsess over the issue. Frequency, how it started, how it ended, meeting places, how they kept the secrets are all things that will allow you to fill in the blanks that you need to know and to keep a more open eye for suspiscous activity in the future.

It appears that you like most BS's want to have your needs filled right now. You believe that you are entitled to this because of what she did. This is a perfectly logical thing but rarely happens early in the recovery. Your goal at this point should be focused only on two things: First making sure that the A has truly ended and secondly, making sure that you are fulfilling her most important EN so that she can "fall back in love with you". Her committment at this point should be to quit engaging in inappropriate behavior, avoid all contact with OM, and respecting your boundaries and being completely open and honest with you.

If this approach is used and you do not expect too much which will make you look needy and give her the upper hand to walk over you like a doormat, then fairly soon she will either start to come back into reality and put forth some effort into rebuilding this relationship or you will find that she cannot or will not commit to her part and you have to look at different options including Plan B and/or D. In the meantime, give a good plan A some time to work. You are doing many things right but in order to truly rebuild your marriage, you will have to do many things that are counterintuiative. It is not fair that the BS has to carry most of the load early into recovery but every BS on here that has recovered their marriage will tell you that is the only way. Good luck. Keep posting with questions and progress and you will get responses.

NT

Unfortunately, she knows that you will not consider any alternatives and she is taking advantage of that.

If you want to ensure that your marriage is completely destroyed then just pass over the things that bother you and "let them go". Dishonesty is a cancer to a marriage that until treated will continue to eat away at everything good and eventually grow into a tumor that is untreatable and not able to be removed surgically.

NT

how are you doing today?

Hello CH,

Not sure if you are still around but in addition to what else was said,I will mention that I can appreciate how much you love your WW and how you would like to save your marriage.But,as admirable as all that is,you cannot allow yourself to be treated poorly by this woman.No one deserves that ok?

It's very hard to accept that a marriage may be over but when you look at what you really have,sometimes it's far less than what anyone should endure.Sometimes it's not a marriage at all.Facing the fear of actually losing your WW can be liberating.Hard and painful at first but then liberating.You realize more about yourself,what you deserve and what your goals and boundaries are.

It sounds like you ended counseling much too soon and also your WW is still defiant and not accepting of what she did,truly,fully.Also,your In-Laws should really be putting a stop to letting this OM contact them.I don't understand their thinking.There should be no uncertain terms about that even if they have to change their phone # or get a restraining order on him.He has NO business contacting anyone in your family.

If he's only separated then he really needs to get back into his own separate life and stop destroying other's.

Decide what it is you need and want in this marriage,work toward it and if it doesn't happen,then you can decide to let it go if that's what you want.But,let it not depend upon anything but what YOU want it to be.Like I mentioned to someone else,I made decisions based on what was happening to ME,not on what was going on with my WH.If he decided I was worth fighting for and wanted our marriage and family then he would do something about it rather than see the homewrecking trash.He didn't so I made some decisions,none of which I regret,at all.As much as I wanted to save my marriage and family,and how precious I felt it all was,the reality was that I could not do this alone and it was not a marriage anyway.

Hope you are still with us~Hang in there.

O

Thanks for the posts I am reading and trying to learn. I ask for things from my wife I do not yell as I did at times about the A very early on.

I am going to try to talk to in-laws one more time about NC with the OM. Hope they will see the light.

I have foud that the internet usage has not been much anymore but sill goes to chat once and awhile NC with OM that I am aware of.

I will just keep being a good husband. I will continue to be a faithful loving caring person. I will try not to ask so many questions. I will try to accept it when my wife tells me that she loves me and that everything is ok and that I should just relax. I will try to accept that when she tells me that this will never happen again that it won't. I will try to give my 100% trust even though I am told I am not trusted completly because I lied about progams on the computer.

I don't know if I am wrong but I will try to get back to a better place as soon as I can. I feel it is possible maybe I do push to hard and I have to let some of it go as to rebuild my marriage. I am lerning the stories all seem similar to a degree. Maybe I am in the fog. Maybe I do say I love you too much at times. I am expressive with my emotions good bad or otherwise. I guess I act the way I want to be treated someday maybe she will see this.

I wish as if I did not blame myself as much as I do why couldn't I have been a better partner. i do know that this was not my choice the A was not my fault but I can't help but think of all the things that I did do that were wrong. I was comfortable too comfortable in my relationship I felt that nothing could go wrong and maybe I got lazy. If I am given the chance I will make up for it fo rthe rest of my life with a hopefully faithful partner.

Good luck to all here with you situations thank you all for your posts. i don't make sence to myself sometimes so it becomes hard to put things into words.

I ask for the things I need to recover from my wife somedays are better than others she tells me that i need to undersatnd her more that she will not wrong me again. She tells me taht she has friends that she misses talking to and that this one mistake should not keep her from theses people. I don't want to be a controlling spying jealous person or need to be. I keep on trying.

thanks again.

Hi again CH,

Glad to see you are still here reading and learning.

I want to address a few things if I may.



It's ok to want to try and be a better husband.It's ok to want to be caring and trust in your WW.But she has to PROVE her trustworthiness to you CH.Expect nothing short of respect,honesty,love and understanding.She cannot just sweep this under the rug and say bygones will be bygones.You have every right to follow through with this until you are comfortable your marriage is on the right track.Trust has to be rebuilt here,it's not just a given.




As Dr.Phil says,you want to be able to have a "soft place to fall" in your marriage.That is what SHOULD happen over time when you learn to trust one another.Who wants to ge on their guard every day? One benefit to marriage is being able to know you can count on the other to protect you,be there for you and understand,compassion.Your WW destroyed that safety zone.No matter how bad things were in the marriage,or what "state" or what "atmosphere",cheating is NEVER the answer to anything.Don't take ANY responsibility for HER choices.You can look back now and say,well,maybe if I did this,or what if I didn't do that,etc,etc, but that is a fools game.

You can't rewrite history anymore than a WS as much as they try.No one is perfect and we all have flaws,baggage and issues of one kind or another,some bad,some very minor.When you make a committment in marriage,you can't just bail out on a whim because you are "unhappy".Welcome to the world I say.We all have moments like that.




You don't want to be controlling,of course not but you have every right to the truth and however that comes to pass,so be it.If it's not your WW and she is being dishonest then you can search for the truth on your own.There's no wrong deed in that.

Good luck~

O

Thank you for your responce. I struggle with things that I did.

My wife tells me that she does not think about it until I bring up the A. I do not want that I do want it to go away.

I feel that I am geting better as I do not obsess anymore about what happened. I do so pray for it to not happen again.

I again asked my MIL not to speak to OM she said that she did not want to be ignorant I left it at that. I do not control anyone or anything. I pains me knowing that I have done eevrything that I can for my inlaws.

I was told by wife that it is dying down the calls are not happening frequnt at all and that all I have to do is let it die. Maybe she is right.

I am trying to move on with life as quickly as I can maybe I am wrong in this but I want to move forward and never look past things that have happened.

I want to have a good loving life with my wife and kids. I will try to do all that I can to have this happen.

I have read that sometimes people feel a need to even the score. I do not have that feeling I just want it to be right and to keep it right. I don't want to look back with regrets

CH,

You are doing exactly what is not recommended and also what your WW wants you to do: ignore the obvious.You cannot just sweep this under the rug and wish it away.I hear nothing of your WW doing what she needs to do,in fact is still in contact and that is going to come back and bite you CH.You are allowing her to continue as is under the guise that she will respect you more and stay if you don't challenge her.



Of course she would rather forget it all.Most WS's do when they are confronted and there is some semblance of a recovery going on.She is only giving you crumbs.



It seems ot me that you are confusing obsession with the need for truth.Wanting to know why this happened,what can be done to prevent it again(just saying so from your WW isn't enough) and how to deal with it all is normal.Asking about it and wanting details to process all the pain is not obsessing.



This makes no sense to me at all.Ignorant? She has no business talking to this guy who was helping destroy the marriage.Allegiances to family can be just as destructive sometimes.She is missing the bigger picture here which is that this guy is an opportunist and user and should not have been involved with her daughter.It's clear the In-Laws do not have the best interests of your marriage in mind right now.


This is a mistake.It will only be to your detriment to avoid dealing with this in order to just quickly "get over" it all for the sake of your WW.If your WW doesn't deal with what she did completely she is at risk for repeating the behavior.She has to know what she did was worng and how she can protect herself from doing it again.Just saying so is not enough,like I said before.



This is what we would all want but remember,it takes *two to do that in marriage.And the A is not even truly over yet.

O

Thanks for all the responses. I just want to know if anyone has advice on how to get my wife to completely come around. I am doing all I can but I try not to push to hard as in my case it pushes her away. She gets upset and closes down. I get information and she tells me that she loves me and only me but I still am not sure.

It has been since june that I discovered her A. I feel as if we have come a long way but there are times that I feel as if she will not let go of some doubt about me and if I can forgive her. Telling me that she doesn't belive that I can ever let this go. I believe I can but it will take total commitment from her and I am not sure she knows this or how to go about it.

I am still confused taking my St. johns and it seems to help. It has been a long jurney and I feel as if sometime soon I can get to the end of the bad part and just be sure in love again. Maybe I am stupid and I am just going to get hurt again I don't know.

ok---brace yourself...here comes the 2x4.....lol

you needed help....i started a thread for you. you were floundering around and needed direction....i asked for some people whom i know would help you to come on here....they have given you advice and a plan and you are just gonna ignore it!!!! i get the whole i dont wanna hurt and want it to be over and be happy again feelings....aint gonna happen by flying through this at 100mph not doing what is neccesary!!! slow down...this is lifelong! period! you will not be able to ignore it and skip around to get to recovery...well you can, but i promise you it will come back and bite you in your [censored]!

now go back to the begining of this thread and re-read the wonderful advice you have been given and get to work! you have a long road ahead of you and its a tough one...start learning and get prepared.