I don't think it needs any deep analysis to figure it out. He's separating himself from you bit by bit. This guy is a master manipulator who has never bothered to grow up and you’re watching him go down a road he’s traveled before.

I'm going to throw some mean-sounding words at you. Read on only if you can take it.

Look, you need to get some legal assistance, like TODAY. You've already seen his pattern of conduct with pregnant SO's. Frankly, from all you’ve said, he's not shown any sign of WANTING to change...much less changing. If you don't see the crash coming, I think you must be wearing blinders. Be proactive. Do something to protect yourself and your unborn child. Do it while you’re doing Plan A, if you want to, but you have more responsibilities now than just yourself.

Oh, and if you believe he and the OW “made out” four times but nothing else happened, I want to get with you about some beachfront property I have in the Mojave desert.

BIG QUESTION for you experts. Need lots of help.

After almost 15 years of marriage (common law), my WH has had an affair--last July--a woman he works with. He is now on his second girlfriend in three months. He says, "I do not love you. I do not want to marry you." (Even if we had said vows in public, from what I'm witnessing about the prevalance of affairs, I'm not sure it would make a bit of difference.) He has not followed through with his financial committments to me, leaving me in severe financial difficulties. Consequently, I have removed him from the health benefits on which I have carried him, asked him to remove his belongings from our apartment, removed his name from the lease, and changed the locks. I gave him a PLAN B letter today, which happens to be his 39th birthday, have asked for no further contact, and have asked that all necessary dialogue be done through mutual friends.

QUESTION: As I am now in Plan B, do I expose his affair to his boss, human resource people, and colleagues? As this is a common law marriage, would his employer and boss and colleagues think this is just the bitter rambling of an ex? Would exposing him at work while I am currently in Plan B go against the concept of Plan B, of shutting down, of going dark? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

As in legal, file for divorce, there is no legal separation in our state, I think there is a separation agreement..

Should i keep doing plan A??? or is it making me look more like a fool?

Should i sleep on the couch if he is already in the bed?? If i am in bed first should i tell him to sleep on the couch ?? would this make plan A backfire?

thanks for the 4x4..i can take it.. so what your saying is due to his previous patterns, he has no intentions of making our marriage work?

i am at work and i wish i had someone to hug right now.

Slowly I put 2 and 2 together, I so wanted to believe him and I did for a while, but things just didn't add up. The sudden want to end our relationship, the continued lying, and then I went to our flat one day and checked the sheets out, evidence of sexual activity and when confronted he even had the bulls to tell me it was someone else he had meet, not OW, which I nearly swallowed, you so much want to believe them but you can't they just lie their pants off to make themselves out to be someone they should be but aren't.



No he went away for work with a holiday tagged on the end of it, OW joined him for the holiday, by the way he lied about this, said it was all work. Whilst away, our flat lease was up and he had moved all of his stuff out and when he came back he seemed to be more interested in working things out than in the past, but turns out he was fence sitting. He and OW ended up getting a flat together and are now living together, which he lied about also, but I found out, I can be pretty sneaky, he was really mad when I confronted him about living with OW, he thought I had someone following him...which made me laugh, why would I pay for someone to follow him when I can do a great job myself finding out things. So we are separated and not sure what the future holds, I am focussed on me now and our DD, he is secondary to any decisions I make.

My advice, start snooping, mobile phone and mobile phone bills, email, check his car, check his wallet for receipts, credit card bills for any items that look out of place, check his pockets. Anything you find, keep it to yourself until you have enough concrete evidence to prove there is something going on and with whom. Don't reveal your sources ever. Most importantly, keep focussed on yourself.

Baby, first, combine your two threads or something if you can. There's a lot of cross posting going on.

Second, I'm an old retired AF NCO who's been around the block a few times. I've seen a lot of men in their mid-40s, much less mid-30s, who are immature takers going down the path of least resistance their entire lives. They never change without a really compelling reason to do so. In their relationships, they are usually great fun to be around until they begin to feel the walls of responsibility start closing around them. Then they start looking for ways to run away again.

From your words, I'm seeing your husband in that same group.

Baby, you tell us. Has he volunteered for counseling of any kind to resolve any issues in your marriage? Without you prompting him, has he sat down with you and admitted he doesn't have a real good track record on committing to relationships and asked for your help in changing that? What are his long-term plans? Where does he want to be in 20 years? Has he, in any way, committed to a lifetime with you while the two of you, as a couple, raise your children?

I really want to reiterate what I said earlier. Get some legal advice pronto. Adding to that, find a professional counselor somewhere who can sit with you and look into all the dark corners. If you have a contact in your church, take advantage of it. Check into the benefits offered by your place of employment. Frankly, I think you need to seek legal assistance and at least IC as soon as you can.

I’d hug you if I could, Baby. Since I can’t, my prayers are with you.

I have been snooping..
i found a new pair of levis, which last night he said he bought but his friend from work said OW bought them (before i even found them)
I checked his car and found new old navy shirt when i asked him last night he said his friend Bill gave it to him, i already tore it apart and used it as dust rags.( i have to question his friend Bill)
His cell phone is a t-mobile calling card phone. This is where my investigations started...he left it home unlocked and i wrote down all the numbers in it.. came to be 2 girls numbers from work and other male co-workers.. (work exposure!) one girl told me that it was other girl H had told them he was sleeping with.. that is all in a previous post. He sleeps with his phone, his friend from work gave me his password, and i have yet to get my hands on it again..

He has no access to a computer and is not computer literate..(thats a good thing, huh..)
We dont have any credit cards, I always check his wallet and jeans pockets etc.. nothing in there..

sources almost exposed last night... friend from work is on my sh*t list cause he had A with his W, someone whom i grew very attached through all of the mess..she is still talking to me and we are comparing notes etc. She doesnt have internet or i would suggest her coming here.

Friends made here, are keeping me going day by day.. i was so weak and lost in the beginning but coming here is helping me get strong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

UPDATE:
He dropped off my coat at work like I asked him to when i called him at lunch time..I was kinda set back and beside myself..i said thanks, he kissed me, told me he loves me and left, he also volunteered to watch my son tonight and his son at the same time.. that is something he normally wont do.. (that is another story)

He just called me! (20 mins after he left the office) He told me to order myself dinner anywhere i want and anything i want and that he will pick it up and bring it to me at the office as i am doing my online schooling..

does this mean anything??? is it him feeling guilty?? he hasnt done this in a while,, ususally i have to ask him and i get a gripe..i will be careful and except that he is only being nice.

Long,
Give me a couple of hrs.. i will reply soon. I have to go to sams club for babyshower tomorrow.. have to come back to office for online schooling..

Long, I dont know how to do that, any suggestions.. i messed up i guess.. got scared my other post would get lost.. i am sorry...

This sounds just like H. I agree with you.


Personal counseling he admitted himself to going for, but i think i failed him when i was angry and could have been selfish telling him "how can he talk to a counselor and not me". When he was seeing her, he would not discuss anything with me, it was as if he got everything off his chest about him and us to her but would not discuss any of his feelings, thoughts etc with me. there was no communcation at all. I felt he used her to vent and gave him a more of a reason to come home and not want to talk about ANYTHING.. it was a routine, eat dinner (no discusstions) clean up (no discussions) watch tv together (no discussions) going to bed (no discussions) I dont know, it seemed like he was emptying himself all to her and had nothing left to talk to me about when he came home. He evenutally stopped going when the assistance ran out.
He was on meds for anxiety and depression but soon stopped taking them as directed and evenutally stopped all together.

As for marriage counseling: It was me who talked him into seeing our priest for counseling because we cant afford the professional counseling if there is really a difference.

I am afraid to tell yas this one.. please don't 4x4 me.. but he has been stalling on getting health care coverage at his job. He has an attendance issue were he does not put in 40 hrs a week. You need 40 hrs a week to get ins. Now, his job is what he chooses to do as far as career wise.. wharehouse etc., i make more but we agreed to go through his company, mine is fairly new & small it is just me and two bosses. His coverage would offer more and is cheaper. THIS right here is a lack of responsibility on his part.I am getting aggravated cause this has been going on since i found out i was pregant. Now his HR tells me they need him to be evaluated over the next 90 days to make sure he does the 40 hours. not 38, 35 etc.


If i dont go to him, we wont talk. Communication is a BIG marriage problem for us. His WALL is up at all times.. or if he hears something he does not want to hear he walks away or he tunes me out or endulges himself in a video game.



he says he lives for today because he could be gone tomorrow.. lousey outlook on life...i think anyway.


I remember reading his journal (we both have journals for two books that i bought that has marriage exercises in them so we wrote in journals to share with each other.. well, that gave way when he wasnt interested anymore..) in it, i think it says, he wants a daughter.. (we have one on the way) he wants to own a house, and buy a quad.

his friends come first before his family. he still needs to grow up.


i will look for a free consultation.. i will try to do it next week. Even though my husband has stopped going to see our priest with me, i still go and he does help me cope in some ways. I work for two guys, advisors, i am thier assistant. The benefits are more expensive for me cause it is a small company.

I’d hug you if I could, Baby. Since I can’t, my prayers are with you. [/quote]

thanks long.

Please keep up.

another update. besides the one below. My shower is tomorrow. He called saying that he vacumed the house and is doing the laundry and has moved the boxes that i packed..etc. He picke up my son and his son tongiht and spent time with them. (I had to look outside to see if it was snowing!) But then i found out why.. i am assuming why, he asked me if it was ok if he can go to a hockey game with one of the guys from work, well at the time he asked me i was frustrated with my mother and said "go ahead i really dont care, just go, you will go anyway". HE told me i have nothing to worry aboutl..there is a game i checked it out..but i dont know if he is really going.
I will check back here tomorrow night cause i have to do schooling and again on sunday as well as mondy.. see, i have no life.. its work and school. But next week i have a break in school and start again on 11/29.

I don't know how to close threads either. Sorry. You're getting a lot of advice on the other thread. How about putting a message in this thread redirecting folks over to that one and for all new posts to be over there?

There are a lot of folks out here who are more experienced than I and I'd hate for one of them to miss a chance to talk to you because the threads got confused.

As for 2X4's...I don't use them. I just say what I think and let the chips from the 2X4s lay where...oh, my...I do use them huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I wouldn't say they're appropriate here though. A priest/pastor IS trained as a counselor, though sometimes it might be good to get a secular opinion.

I don't know what to make of WH's sudden industry and cooperative attitude. I'd be wary of it, myself. It's unlikely he's had an epiphany and is going to change everything.

And, btw, you DO have a life and it's going to become fuller very soon with that little girl. Contrats.

HERE IS THE FLYER I WANT TO SEND IN EMAIL, POST AT BARS, AND PUT IN EVERY MAIL BOX ON HER STREET!
What does everyone think?? UPDATE Is below the flyer.

************************************************************
!!BEWARE !!

A “HOME WRECKER”


She may live ON YOUR STREET or Nearby!

Her name is:

***edit***
(Short with Straight Blonde Hair and a little chunky, she has two boys ages 7 & 3)
She likes Older Married Men!

She is 24 years Old

***edit***

Car: Burnt Orange, Newer Dodge Neon,
with wing on back, Plate ***

SHE had an affair with a 34 year old HUSBAND
from her work place and lied after being confronted!
She is still pursuing him!

The PREGNANT WIFE is a close friend of mine!
I thought this would give my friend some satisfaction!
***********************************************************
UPDATE:

I have been MIA for a few days.. i am sorry.
WH seemed as if he was staying away BUT Caught him and OW in her car the other day.
His car is in the shop, i offered to take him to get his paycheck but he refused and left the house on foot.

I parked where he picks it up at and her and him in her car turn the corner and park down the street. He walks to get the check and back to her car. I waited and then went to her house. She was just pulling up. H was not with her. She had her 3yr old with her.
I through the biggest scene i could! I screamed so every neighbor could hear me. I confronted her on everything H has told me. she denied it and denied her picking him up. She told me to talk to H, and ran in her moms house (she lives with her mom).
Confronted H, still says he did not sleep with her.. and was shocked that i seen him with her in her car, he said it was just a ride. Didnt say much.

I will be fully moved in the new place. H is still not coming, still says we need a break, that it will make us stronger etc. He will no there is NC between him and I, when I am all moved in this weekend.

Has been cold, mean, disrespectful and distant to me and nice sparingly.

Please do not post personal information including names, addresses and phone numbers.

Thank you.

Sage

WH got fired from his job today!
This is the same job that OW works at as well.

I already gave him a no contact letter from me to him. Last night telling him that he is to not have any contact with me at my new address unless he is willing to work on the marriage. This sunday will be the last day at the old house.. he is the one insisting to get his own place..

Now that he got fired, and there are no jobs in the area, what is his next move?? OW lives with her mom. The whole time he told me he is not moving with me (I had to get a cheaper place) across from his mom, that we need a break to get stronger etc.

I wonder what will happen next. With no job and child support for my stepson, no place to live after sunday, his car is in the shop, his friends do not want him staying with them cause they said that I, would be there checking up etc.

I prayed last night to God, asking for his help. I wonder if this is his way of answering it for me.

What do i do if now, he wants to move with me? is it because he has no job etc? I dont want him to move with me if it is because his "plans" fell apart. Yet, i dont want to lose him either with him thinking that i am not "there" for him.

advice please...............

If he wants to move in with you...tell him no.

Tell him that you're willing to live with a HUSBAND...a thoughtful, caring man who's willing to do his part to maintain your marriage, that won't be seeing other women on the side, that's willing to compromise where needed in order to have a relationship with you. When or if he meets someone filling that description, he can send them over to meet with you and you can see for yourself if that person is who they say they are.

Make it VERY clear what boundaries you have...NO contact at all with OW...in any way. MC, IC, whatever YOU feel is needed to rebuild your marriage.

And make the consequences clear too...it's either fully proving all of this to you, or live somewhere else and don't contact you until he IS willing to meet these boundaries. Plan B has NOTHING to do with what he wants...it has everything to do with what YOU NEED!

thanks OWL!!!
that felt good to hear.
Your all going to be proud of me..
he just got a ride to my office and asked me for the keys to my car that he needs to use it.

I told him he can't use it. (i normally would have no problem, but his mom told me not to let him use it at all) he asked again and i still said no. he left quietly got in his friends car and left. i looked out and it looked as if he was ready to cry.

Why am i hurting and feeling bad, worried what he is going to do or say to me next? Is he going to understand why i said no?

This is soooo hard.

He's made his bed, he needs to see how nice and comfy it is (being sarcastic of course). Stand strong in what you are doing. If anything, you will be able to say you didn't take his crap. Maybe not now, but someday he will respect you more because of that. Right now, he's just being plain ole selfish.