Has anyone been so frustrated they felt like screaming for an hour? Am I alone in being so tired of trying to negotiate and not knowing what to do anymore?

I am trying to reconcile with my ex, we split 2.5 years ago and both of us are unhappy for many reasons. We split for financial reasons-we had different attitudes about money and he did not respect my mother who lived with us. Now I have seen therapists and counsellors when I can afford it-but it's very slow going. one issue at a time and always in the past. First sexual issues from my past, then my mother and her meddling ways. Then financial issues. I am getting nowhere between working full time and trying to get our relationship back on track.

I feel all I am doing is dealing with everyone else's issues and I am everyone's Mom, it makes me feel tired and old even though I was 31 when we started having problems the days keep flying by and my ex doesn't seem fazed at all. His attitude is take it slow, work on your issues, work on your anger, but its' all so slow it makes me confrontational.

Becasue we had to sell everything I am in the process of selling a second house which as been a huge drain, it's been for sale for a year and the only offer has been 10K less than what I owe. I have spend around $5K trying rent it, move to a smaller home, and move back again in an effort to find a higher paying job to help pay the mortgage. Now my ex is telling me to wait it out and sit tight. But the job market where this property is located is nil, and I can't move in because it's rented. Also I tried getting the tenants to leave but it was a big mess. When I see my counsellor we work on one TINY issue at a time, when I am in the proces of losing it other something else.

Instead I get this lecture about progress taking a long time and how I must concetrate on finding stability and focus less on money and more on being loving. I am tempted to walk away and owe the bank on the house just to have peace of mind, and because I am resentful as the ex had to do nothing but go get an apartment and his father paid his bills. My mother and father are both gone and sometimes the ex makes me MAD when he says, go ask a family member for help.

I don't have any family just friends and co-workers! Who am I going to ask my sister with her little children, or one of my cousins who lives in another state? What do I bring up with my counsellor first so my ex and I can be a we again as we want.

Thank you,
Nat

Interesting situation.

I actually think your conselor is right on the money when he talks about things taking time and learn to focus on being loving. Impatience can create all kinds of problems and often transforms what could be relatively small things into huge ones.

Your ex's comments about talk to a relative is no doubt incompetence. Before my wife and I got married, she had some money problems where she had a hard time getting a loan for her car and she owed a large sum in taxes from the purchase of the car. She was asking me for advice but she had limited resources and I had almost no good advice to give her. That may be the situation with your ex. Maybe he doesn't know what to do either and just threw out the first thing that came to his mind. Don't hold that against him.

My wife is very impatient. I'm sure she would consider me "slow" too. And I know that can be frustrating for her. But I'm actually the majority. MOST people are slow to change. I'm talking like 8 months - 2 years for true change. So I think of bigger issues as more of a marathon than a sprint. A slightly slower mindset with less frequent change actually yeilds stability as your counselor says. So you can actually be thankful that your ex is one that can help bring calm to your life if you can learn to see it that way. Also, calm people have a peace about them. They have seen that life has a beautiful way of working itself out. Things that you feel are the end of the world crisises almost always pass and life continues on just fine. That is a wonderful "skill" to KNOW even ahead of time that things are going to be alright.

So to answer your question, I would focus on your property as a business decision and one that you stop, take a few breaths, and think about. You don't need to involve your ex at all. Make whatever business decision you think will be best for your financial future.

Then separately, work on the issues of your mom. Work on the different ways that you see money. Try to come up with a compromise that you both can live with. Or if he's unskilled and admits it, ask if you can take over handling the finances and give him an allowance. Work on each issue separately.

I think the worste thing you can do is to somehow make him feel inferior. Like he's lazy, not good at finances, etc etc etc. Even if you feel it inside to a certain degree, telling him that you think he isn't up to par accomplishes nothing but make him resent you. Learn to value the good that he does have to offer, take care of what you can on your own, and try to meet him in the middle when possible. That's my best advice because I do believe from the tone of your email that you are probably very impatient and condescending to him which will make both of you unhappy.

You're only responsible for the things you take on. YOu are not responsible for everybody's problems.

So if you're feeling burdened, perhaps you feel some misplaces sense of obligation. THings done out of obligation are rarely uplifting.

IN a nutshell, choose some things, and just say "It's not my problem, and I choose not to deal with it". Even if it's with your mother oryour ex, or whatever.

I'm not saying you get to just ignore real problems, only that don't take on anythin gother than the bare necessity.

So if people are making demands on you, learn to say no.

Sounds like the Boundaries book would be a good one for you. It appears you let people trample all over yours.

My wife is very impatient. I'm sure she would consider me "slow" too. And I know that can be frustrating for her. But I'm actually the majority. MOST people are slow to change. I'm talking like 8 months - 2 years for true change."

wasp89, in what way does she consider you slow? That is in getting her point of view, or physically?

I find what is frustrating is being expected to see another point of view, but still not making any headway on a basic issue. Example. I will say to my ex, you need to call the IRS because we had a deal you would call by Wed. Then he will ask me to consider his point of view, he has a sinus headache all day and couldn't deal with it on his own. While I am digesting this information, he wants me to acknowlege his point of view. When I don't he gets angry and says what do you want from me?? So I have to say quickly, okay then what about next week? Always pushing.

In the meanwhile our other goals get pushed back, because I made him promise to deal with the tax lien issue before we move in together. He has to make a deal of some sort or he can't work, he's afraid the IRS will take all his money. So I get impatient because he wants me there to help him, and I can't be there and work too.

I realize he is afraid and I respect that he can talk about his feelings, I am not rude that he does, I do not look down on him for it. We all have our fears and that is what is best about him, he is honest about everything, always has been.

At the same time I cannot understand his point of view quickly enough. When we had breakfast when I visited, he told me not to order anything that cost more $5 because he was light on cash. I said fine and ordered a cappucino. He got very angry and called me a ****** because he didn't trust me to make sure it went under $5. At first I was slow to understand that he was truly upset. Then I went outside, cooled down and came back with an apology.

The patrons and waitress were looking at me like I was nuts because I thought I was going to cry, or react and he wasn't reacting at all, so I must have been testing him somehow. Honestly I thought I would pay for it, and I offered only to have him ask me if I was trying to embarass him more? So that's when I got it and went outside. I am quick to laugh or cry, but not quick to really get it.

I sometimes wonder if I'm getting it at all, but I realize he must be distrustful of me because of our split and that I seem to be doing well. But I've had to work two jobs and commute and take on the more and more to make ends meet during this recession in the Northeast.

What boundaries at work? When you work two jobs you work with people who need you, and in a productive work relationship trust is needed. Without trust in relationships we have nothing, boundaries or not.

Anyway I am picking him up for Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday and he doesn't have to do anything, so hopefully we will be able to discuss finances at some point and enjoy the weekend.

If he doesn't want to talk about it all, I can't force him, but I have to detach and work with him possibly for years and I have to learn how to work with him.

As far as I can see for me relationships only work when trust goes both ways, if someone doesn't want to be with me it's because he or she does not trust me and that can come with time. But living alone forever, waiting on someone who can't trust me or open up is pretty hellish sometimes.

Natalie

About me being slow... I'm slow in a couple of ways. For one, I'm kind of the type with his head in the clouds and not extremely aware of what's going on around me. I'm pretty good about following through but it takes a long time. May be 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years. I always end up doing it eventually but contrast that with my wife who wants everything to happen NOW... that's very frustrating for her.

Also, I describe myself is very smart but not good on my toes. I do best when I can slowly ponder and think something over. I can solve really complicated problems, come up with some creative solutions, do good research and be resourceful... but I need the luxery of time. My wife on the other hand goes at 3,000 miles per hour. She is remarkable and smart and does impressive work but she's not extremely good about sticking with something for long periods of time and she changes her mind often. It's common that she will say that she wants to play tennis at 3pm but decides she doesn't want to when it's 3pm. For me, I like to make a plan and stick to it. It give me peace and a sense of accomplishment to know that I said I was going to do something and I really did it. I know that contrasts a bit with whas I described earlier but the things above are typically things I don't really want to do. The sticking to a schedule is more of a daily, smaller tasks kind of a thing.

So now to talk about the points you mentioned. To me, it sounds like there's a bit of a laziness problem or fear of the unknown problem going on with him and the IRS situation. I can see how that's frustrating for you. It is important that people follow through with what they say they will do. In a way, him saying he wants you to see it from his point of view can just turn into an excuse for why he shouldn't have to do it till the following week. Most likely, he will not change. The question you have to ask yourself is if you are ok with having to pick up the slack sometimes for the really important stuff. Other times, when the consequences only fall on him, you can just let him suffer his own consequences.

As for the "not getting it quickly", sounds like a bit of communication problems and just needing to understand better how the other ticks. I could TOTALLY see myself in his shoes standing there quiet and embarassed and not answering back. And then only after you make a big scense I say in a hushed voice "could we please go outside; you're embarassing me". Personally, I think that's just a learning process as you go. You may have not got it that time but next time you will know that it's important to him that serious conversations are done in private.

I have ALWAYS had a hang up about being mushy in public. Couples that get all mushy on the phone seem rediculous to me yet I would think it's great if they are mushy and say the same things in private. I probably react too strongly in the opposite direction but every girlfriend that I've had, if I'm talking to her on the phone and I have relatives nearby, I put on sort of this business-like voice. I might say something like "I'm really glad you called" or "it's nice hearing from you" and then finish it off with a "Love you, honey" but more than once is too much. I often preferr just to say "yes, me too". My wife says that she is really hurt by this. That it feels as-if I'm embarassed for people to know I love her. She has yet to accept it about me but someday I hope she will realize that's how I tick.

wasp, in the coffeeshop, I wasn't yelling or anything to make a scene I was simply asking him with a smile if he wanted me to pay, and said it was no big deal. He seemed to take offense and I wonder if that will change. I can't see how anyone could react any other way as I had no idea of what else to do as the waitress was already sent away once while I was left to figure out how to order under $5. What I don't like is when he expects me to plan things, and it gets petty. I don't mind planning something big but spending precious time figuring out how to order for someone else early in the morning is too much for me.

I couldn't see why we didn't have breakfast at home but I remembered that he didn't like to cook and clean, especially since I was there he probably thought I should have offered. He never really like to to wait on himself or others, it's not typically male.

I forget that I am dealing with a man! I work with woman and we all wait on each other equally. Sometimes I think he is so conservative that I will never get it.

Wasp, regarding your wife and mushy conversations-I am big on hearing I love you, I believe women like this because in life we wait on people more than men do, and so need more validation. Do men need to hear I love you five times a day? I wonder because I would do anything to hear I love you a few times a day from the man Iove, and I can't help wanting the impossible.

Natalie