Hi MBOB,
I was so glad to see you post here. What has been going on in your life since we last spoke?

KDS--Things are getting better ever so slowly. I have stopped obsessing about the past and started focusing on the present and the future, although the past tries to creep in. My H and I are working on our communication problem, which I think is a big issue for us. We realized last week that somewhere along the line, we stopped being us and became "Mom and Dad". We are rediscovering us. I, myself, have stopped being a door mat. If something bothers me, I don't let it slide like the old me, but address it right away. I have come to realize I am a great person and if people don't like me, it's their loss! I have come a long way (I think), and will continue to grow as a person, and a wife to my husband.

Hi MBOB,
Its so nice to hear from you. Sounds like your relationship is getting better. You are growing as a person. That is great. I'm glad things are changing for the better for you.
Have you read any of my latest news on the posts? My husband after reading my EN questionaire, started making some changes, and before he went on his trip to visit his old best friend in the next state, he told me he loved me. That is the first time I have heard him say that in years. My response to him was to ask him, "Do you really love me?" He assured me he did love me. I took his declaration of love with a grain of salt, and I did not respond back to him. I have had time to mull over this declaration over tha past week, and believe his statement reflected his true feelings. I have been floating on cloud nine since he has been gone. He comes back early monday morning. We have talked daily on the cell phone and we are both looking forward to seeing each other again. Hopefully the adjustment period of being around each other won't be too tough. I was kinda worried that we would lose ground when he was gone for a week visiting.

Has your xwh made any changes lately?? How is he responding to your new found backbone?

KDS--I don't think he quite knows how to take it. Tonight will be a big test. The situation tonight is similar to the one a few weeks ago. He called and said he'd be leaving work in an hour or so, and 2 hours later no call. I called him and he aid he was having beers with the guys. I was so angry I said good and hung up the phone. I know this is an LB, but it seems like it happens every time I have time to fix him a nice supper and get ready for the weekend (I have to work), he does this. he just called and said he was on his way home. I expect an argument, but I hope to express myself w/o LB/s

Keep up the good work MBOB,
Its hard not to LB when they so disrespectfully ignore your plans.
Would the girl you were before you gained a spine, just swept the fact of coming home two hours later, and full of drink after promising to be right home???

What are you planning on saying to him when he comes home?

Well I'm off to take care of the grandbabies. Its a night out for dd and her husband. They are going to see the movie "I Walk the Line."

I will check her later when I get back home and see how your confrontation with xws.

KDS--sorry I didn't get back to you until now. How was the evening with the grandbabies?? I want to see that movie too. I am a real fan of Johnnie Cash and Jouquin Phoenix is really a good actor.
Yes, the old me would have just swollowed her words, but the new, improved me didn't cave. He was yelling at me on the phone, which I held away from my ear until he stoppped. Then I calmly said, "we'll talk more when you get home, be careful and I'll see you soon. When he walked in, he said "do you want to talk now, or just forget it". Once again, the old me would have just said "forget it". I asked him if I could expect this to happen again. He said that he was just "brown-nosing" with the boss. I told him that I didn't mind if he wanted to have a couple of beers with the guys, but if he was going to be later than he thought, please call me. It was all very calm and adult like, which is a change from how we used to "discuss" things. Some people wouldn't see this as progress, but in my case I think it is. He did agree he should have called me and would do so in the future.

I am so proud of you for staying calm in the face of having to deal with an angry husband.

I know that my xwh would have an angry outburst when there was something he didn't want to talk about. I guess he would use it to shut me up, which inevitable did.

Right now, xwh and I are still at the point where we are walking around carefully, and trying not to make each other angry.

When his angry outbursts do occur again, and we all know they will until I am able to calmly state my point of view, and not either retreat, or resort to lovebusting to make my point, I will try my new skills of remaining calm and in control of myself and emotions.

I think this is the key to being not treated like a doormat. When we have a conflict, the moment he raises his voice, and lovebusts, I will quietly tell him that it is very disrespectful and if he continues, I will remove myself from his presence and then do it. I don't want to lay ultimatiums down, going any farther than just removing myself from him temporarily. Such as going in the other room.

I think these new behaviors will pique his curiosity and maybe for a short time, make his behavior intensify, but when he realizes I say what I mean, and mean what I say, he will hopefully form a needed respect for me.

What do you think about that mbob?

I am using you for my sounding board, because I know both of us have the same issues of our spouses lack of respect for us.

Back to you, I think it is great you not caving in or lovebusting.

You held the power in your hand by not getting angry or retreating.

How did it feel??

Did you feel empowered??

Oh, I fogot to tell you about my night.

The babies were so great.

We played games until it was time for my 2yr old grandson to go to bed.

Then my older grandson (4 yrs), went onto play the older kids games.

My grandson is very intelligent, he won all the games we played, and he did it without me letting him win.

After he went to sleep, I watched Bonnie Raitt and friends in concert on VH1 Classics.

She was so awesome. Her guests included two of my favorite artists, Norah Jones and Alison Krauss.

I think I had a better time than my dd and her husband when they went out.

What are you planning for to do for Thanksgiving??

KD--You're right, I did feel empowered! The key, I see, is to remain calm, and state what I want w/o anger, or resorting to tears(my response to anger). My FWH also used angry outbursts to control me. If he yelled, I retreated. I think your ideas for respoding to your H angry outbursts is excellant. When they realize that they can't get under our skin anymore, they'll start thinking about their behavior(hopefully).
Thanksgiving was my MIL's favorite Holiday. Since she passed away her daughter, my SIL, has taken over that day. We will be going to her house for dinner. She only lives about 1/2 hour from us, so it won't be too much travel. I'm so excited because DD#2 is flying in from out of state for the week. Her H is in the navy and is out to sea. It'll be great to spend time with her. Hope your Turkey Day goes well.

It sounds like you are going to have a wonderful thanksgiving, especially with dd2 coming.

Our thanksgiving plans are still up in the air. DS and his girlfriend work on that day, and my ds and her family are spending the day with her in-laws family.
My xws never wants to celebrate thanksgiving. To him it is a reminder of not having his father or sister anymore.

He also doesn't want to celebrate christmas either. Again, it reminds him of all that he has lost.

I keep praying that he will wake up and start being thankful for all that he does have.
A beautiful daughter that is happily married.
2 adorible grandchildren
A son that is almost finished with his 4 year degree in BA
Most importantly,
A wife that adores him and wants to spend the rest of her life making him happy.

KD- I wrote yesterday, but not sure the post went through. I was at work and sometimes the computers are a little funky. What I said was maybe it's time for you and FWH to establish some new Holiday traditions.Perhaps a nice dinner out. I heard someone @ work talking about renting a cabin in the woods and spending quality time with her family. My H had a hard time the first year his Mom passed, she especially enjoyed the Holidays. It gave her a chance to feed everyone! We made sure we cooked some of the things she liked to cook, laughed about the funny things that happened, etc. That Christmas, we went on a cruise with the DD's. With all the sad times we have all endured lately, your H needs to know that there is some stability in his life, and that stability comes from you.