Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#1524366 11/18/05 03:27 PM
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 13
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 13
I posted In GQ, got 46 views but no repliees, please give me some feedback>

My WW and I just returned from a 5 day "alone" trip. We had some very intimate moments. I assume this is normal that a WW spouse shows extra effort at intimacy after A exposed? Obviously, I am reading into it that she wouldn't be that way if she wasn't "interested" in rebuilding the marriage. Am I off base?

We also talked briefly about the OM and it was confirmed that email contact has continued with OM since A ended on 10/25. According to her, he sent her a "couple" emails asking her if she was okay? She indicated she replied. Is this part of withdrawal process? I know she hasn't physically seen him since 10/25.

I told her that she would have to agree to have no further contact. Her reply was that it is hard for her to give up "friendships", but she would do it for me. I said "they are not 'friends', but lovers (ex)." and that she needed to do it for her and us! Can someone give me an example of a NCL? Should I make contact with OM's myself?

She also inquired as to my thoughts of having "revenge sex" upon me receiving an innocent phone call that was difficult to explain. She actually asked me "Can't I be insecure too?

She has currently lost interest in going to her job, making herself look good everyday and has been ill with sinus and headaches, (going to Dr tomorrow). Stress??

I need to broach the MC subject again but am afraid because
of her emotional stability. Her IC has asked her to read a book about "Co-dependency", scares me!!

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5
C
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5
Quote
I posted In GQ, got 46 views but no repliees, please give me some feedback>

My WW and I just returned from a 5 day "alone" trip. We had some very intimate moments. I assume this is normal that a WW spouse shows extra effort at intimacy after A exposed? Obviously, I am reading into it that she wouldn't be that way if she wasn't "interested" in rebuilding the marriage. Am I off base?

Yes. It is very common for a WW spouse to show "intimacy" immediately after exposure. It is definately NOT a sign of recovery. Two men fighting over her company...think of how exciting this must be!

Quote
We also talked briefly about the OM and it was confirmed that email contact has continued with OM since A ended on 10/25. According to her, he sent her a "couple" emails asking her if she was okay? She indicated she replied. Is this part of withdrawal process? I know she hasn't physically seen him since 10/25.

Irrelavent. Physical contact is not necessary for an affair to continue. ANY contact is a continuation of the affair.

Quote
I told her that she would have to agree to have no further contact. Her reply was that it is hard for her to give up "friendships", but she would do it for me. I said "they are not 'friends', but lovers (ex)." and that she needed to do it for her and us! Can someone give me an example of a NCL? Should I make contact with OM's myself?

She also inquired as to my thoughts of having "revenge sex" upon me receiving an innocent phone call that was difficult to explain. She actually asked me "Can't I be insecure too?

Common WW spouse gibberish; get used to it, you have a lot more to come.

Quote
She has currently lost interest in going to her job, making herself look good everyday and has been ill with sinus and headaches, (going to Dr tomorrow). Stress??

Stress, withdrawal, guilt, etc. Alot of emotions currently colliding within her brain, as well as yours. Don't focus entirely on her actions and thoughts, since your own are just as "foggy". Too many on this board focus on the "fog" of WW spouses and neglect to focus on the same irrational thoughts that consume BS's. We are just as delusional during this time as any WS.

Quote
I need to broach the MC subject again but am afraid because
of her emotional stability. Her IC has asked her to read a book about "Co-dependency", scares me!!

From what I have learned from personal experience, I would hit hard at this moment. File for divorce, bring the consequences to bear as quick as possible...you don't have to go through, just demonstrate the consequences of her actions. I see too many BS's roll over and become doormats for their WS from fear of losing them, ironically the very thing that is almost inevitable from placating a WS's actions. I think the timing for Plan B or threat of divorce may be too slow with MB. My own opinion is that it should be soon after exposure. The shock of potential divorce may be strong enough to jar a WS back into reality enough to get a better response from MB techniques. Waiting too long seems to allow the affair to continue and solidify, all while strengthening the WS resolve to continue the affair and further demeaning the BS and wearing away at his/her emotional fortitude.

Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
N
NSR Offline
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
Quote
if she wasn't "interested" in rebuilding the marriage. Am I off base?
not necessarily off base...
...but the key here is for you to start on a Plan A.

Quote
he(OM) sent her a "couple" emails asking her if she was okay? She indicated she replied. Is this part of withdrawal process?
No... it is a sign the A isn't over... (hence the reason to start on Plan A)

Quote
but she would do it(NO CONTACT) for me.
...OK... but the NO CONTACT must be a formal letter...
...and you should/could help her with it.
check out Sample NC Letters (a bit dated but still good)

Quote
She actually asked me "Can't I be insecure too?
...again this is why you need to Plan A (see my signature links)

Quote
I need to broach the MC subject again
...No you start (preferrably with MB counseling) now... without her!
...she'll appreciarte it down the road. (It shows your sincere conviction to improve yourself)

Jim

Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 13
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 13
More normal rollercoaster confusion?

It has been since 11/19 or 11/20 since any intimacy. Was the intimacy she showed me on our trip a partial repayment for the A? And is it possible that the withdrawal from OM since has been reason for no additional intimacy. In an email today she said she was sensing that I am upset with her. I replied that it was simply that I missed her. She asked "Really?" and "Why do you miss me?" I said "because you are my wife and I love you." I also told her that she spoiled me the first few days of our trip and I liked it and that I knew she wasn't feeling well lately so I was being patient! She replied "I know... It's been a while, but I really haven't felt well. Thanks for being patient. I do appreciate it." I then told her that to tide me over, it would be helpful to hold her a little while each night. She answered "Ok... I think that's a possibility."

Sorry to include all the details but I am trying to uncover what she is thinking and going through. I read somewhere that this "fog" should last about three weeks for most people. I assume it is post A fog and A ended 10/24.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 140 guests, and 97 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,810
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5