I've been in very strong denial for quite awhile. We went on vacation and in the past, my wife and I always had some great sex (like most couples do when they are away from home). This time - my advances were totally rejected. When we got home, I asked my wife what the problem was. She talked about arthritis pain - back pain, being tired all the time, etc. I said "we can fix this"...a couple of days later I offered her a fully body massage. I noticed that there was absolutely no physical reaction from her, even when working on her front. The massage lasted at least 30 minutes. I did achieve a passing grade, she fell asleep several times as I was working on her back. Several days later, I asked for a massage in return because of my sore body, I got a perfunctory 5 minute back "rub".

A couple of days later, she said we needed to talk. After our son was put to bed, we went upstairs and sat and talked. She laid it on me: she's been planning this for 6 months and in 5 days she was moving out and was going to file for a divorce. I asked why she hadn't asked for joint counseling, she said because she knew I would not change the things she wanted changed.

(insert all the usual grief rage anger horror shock - I experienced it all). The next couple of days were a blur with meetings with attorneys, discovery of things she had secretly done etc etc etc. The final blow to my already damaged pride and psyche was coming home after "moving day" and finding my rifle gone. When I confronted her with it, she said it had been gone from the house for over a week, that she was afraid for her safety. I have never, ever abused my wife, threatened her or caused her concern for her safety. I totally lost control over my anger and rage. I did not hit though I kept that under very firm control, but I shouted and screamed and used language that I'd never ever used before.

She left with our son on Tuesday after we agreed on a joint custody agreement and I've been alone in the house since, cleaning, getting the house as ready as I can to sell it, under attorney approval.

The paralegal at my attorney's office suggested a minister she knew and referred him to me. We sat yesterday and talked for over an hour. Well, I talked, he listened and gave me thoughts, suggestions and ideas. And absolution.

I began to realize how badly I've screwed things up. (By the way, we've been married for 22 years.) When I got back to work, I sat down and wrote my wife a 3 page letter - probably the first since we got married.

I wrote that I have been thinking and reflecting over the past several days about what kind of person I am, what I have not done. I wrote a partial list of 10 major things that I knew were strong withdrawls from the Pot. On nine of those things I wrote a suggestion of how it could be resolved, on the 10th, I asked for her help. I asked her to consider joint counseling, that I can change the things that need to be changed. I also wrote that if we both decide it cannot work, then at the very least we can proceed together to separate and divorce, instead of what we are doing now.

I sent the letter home to her in my son's backpack from school, and called and told her it was there and asked her to read it. When I checked this morning the letter was gone, so I know that at the very least she took it out of the backpack.

Last night, I slept all night long. The first time since I found out she was leaving. I had a clear head and felt in control of myself for the first time since then.

We've spoken a couple of times today and are going to sit down, just the two of us in a neutral place to talk.

I've spent the last 4 hours reading over the documents on this website and have really realized what an f-up I have truly been.

I love my wife and my son dearly. I want to fix this. But I don't know if my wife is going to trust me enough to allow me to even try, especially with what happened on 'moving day'.

Well, she just called, so I'm out the door. I'll check back later.

Wow - what have you done? I'm impressed with your ability to accept responsibility..I hope your meeting went well and that you both have agreed to start the long process of repairing and rebuilding your marriage..
Best to you and your family

Welcome to the club. Dozens of us here (or more) have been or are still in the same situation you see in front of you. Keep us posted. You can only change you- remember that.

The good news is that she didn't reject it out of hand. She sat and listened while I talked. She has grave reservations and is certainly not willing to stop a process that has already started, i.e. the divorce.

She did agree to joint counseling but did say that it may/might not work. I agreed with her and I was not asking for any promises or guarantees.

I asked her if we could use her counselor, I know this person as I used her myself about 15 years ago when our son was born (multiple disabilties). My wife asked me if I could trust the counselor as I made several statements last week in my anger and rage about her...I said absolutely. If I couldn't trust her, I wouldn't have asked.

We talked for over an hour and a half and probably would have gone longer if she hadn't had to leave to pick up our son to go to a local play.

I asked her for her help and she said that at the very least she would help me get started down the path. It's a start and maybe further than I expected to get.

I am scared, very scared of what will come next. A lot of what has to change is what I have been over the past 15-20 years - a lot of marriage-destructive behavior, a lot of my giver/taker has been in control, and I've been out of control.

I have chronic back pain from a genetic disorder that was (finally) surgically repaired last year. My wife stated that she hoped that "I" would come back to her after I healed - prior and post surgical I was taking a lot of pain medication and wasn't all there. But, I never did come back to her. I had fallen so far into the bad place that I didn't even notice that she had slowly but surely been moving things out of the house for almost 6 months.

I don't want to lose what I've shattered so badly. All trust is gone on her side. I asked her to believe that I could change, that I would change, but she remains fairly skeptical.

I wasn't expecting a miracle, and I'm glad for what I did receive. I only hope and pray that I'm up for what comes next, the deconstruction and rebuilding. Because if I can't fix this marriage, I need to fix myself so I don't screw up again, if I ever find another woman to love as much as I love the wife I have right now.

WOW!!!

I recommend you read and study Plan A and LoveBusters.

That you accept responsibility for your past actions would make major deposits in my LoveBank.

Plan A is not so much about winning back your partner but it is about becoming a better you. It is important because you must go on living with yourself.