I just brushed up on some reading last night... in Mars and Venus - Starting Over. It was great to gain some perspective on things. The last 2 sections in the book describe common dating mistakes that Men and Women make. I see myself in there, and see the men I've picked lately in there, so I can understand a little better.

I also realized I have "Boundaries in Dating" (Cloud and Townsend) sitting around, and I've never read it. I'm scared to read it, because I don't want to see all the things I've done wrong. LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> But I'm going to start in the next day or 2, while I'm also taking a break from dating for a little bit (not sure how long! maybe just a few days... maybe a few weeks... but I'm thinking about calling Mr. Slow... since I know he's interested... just not sure if I'm ready yet)

So... if anyone's interested in reading it with me, we can have something to talk about!!! Or if anyone else has read it, what did you think???

oh coooool! An online book club!

I'll play. Which one should I get first?

My boyfriend has left me unattended on a Friday night.
And I have turned down 4 other "dates"....

I'm not really used to having this much home-time. I've become quite the social butterfly in the last few years and now that I have a boyfriend I have been finding myself sitting home on way too many weekend nights.

Little frustrated...

I have M/V Starting Over! I've never heard of the other one though.

K!

I wish I had them I would do it too. It'll be a few weeks for me to get the funds to buy them. Figures I have any and every book but those two...LOL

Brush up on Mars/Venus, karona, if you haven't looked at it in a while. I read it 3 years ago when I first started dating after my divorce, so I had forgotten some good stuff. I could relate to the section about "Women Who Do (give) Too Much", as well as the parts where he talks about trust, and sex.

Cloud and TOwnsend wrote some other popular "Boundaries" books, and I know this is something I need. A phrase from the back cover says setting and maintaining healthy dating boundaries help you "grow in freedom, honesty, and self-control". And... "Boundaries in Dating is your road map to the kind of enjoyable, rewarding dating that can take you from weekends alone to a lifetime with the soul mate you've longed for." woo-hoo! sign me up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

** gets in line behind Faith ** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

OK, girls, I read the intro and Chapter 1 in Boundaries last night. What are you reading? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Pick a book... any good dating book... and read with me. So I'm not the only nerd. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Boundaries serve 2 functions.... to define who we are and what we agree with, and to protect us.

Lack of good Boundaries cause dating problems like:

- picking the wrong person. Good boundaries run off wackos, and attract people who are into responsibility and relationship. We are drawn to healthy, growing people.

- Loss of freedom to be oneself. Giving up your identity and lifestyle.

- not dating

- dating from hurt rather than values

-Doing too much in the relationship

- COntrol issues

- Sexual impropriety. They either avoid taking responsibility for the issues, or one person is the only one with the "brakes", or they ignore the deeper issues that are driving the activity.

One book which I really liked is "Why Men Love B*tches". The title doesn't sound very nice, but there is some EXCELLENT information in the book.

I wanna! I wanna!
I have MM/WV at home. But I'd be willing to go buy, read, share! Lord knows I need it! Any thoughts on a book, are we sticking to these two, or should I just go find one I want?!

Great! The more the merrier!

There's no rules in this reading club <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />, just dating books. I just know I wanted to read, and get out of the pattern and funk I was in, and it would probably do many of us some good!

As far as which book, the benefit to reading the same 1 or 2 books around the same time period is that we can discuss specific topics in them. But, even if we're reading different books, it would be interesting for us to post interesting highlights that touched us, helped us, or that we think others would discuss or benefit from.

Okay....this kind of scares me a little, but I'm going to read this book: "Finding Mr Right (and how to know when you have)".
It scares me because I've never thought of myself as a "desperate" woman and for some reason that title scares me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Here are the parts:
1-First Steps
2-Identifying Mr Right
3-The Search
4-When the search is over
Part one breaks down into:
Only One Mr Right?
Being Ms Right First
What YOU Must do to find Mr Right
The woman Every Mr Right is looking for.

So, I'll start. I'll let you know what I think...

Couldn't I just find a man who's name is Wright...Like, John Wright. He'd be Mr Wright! hee hee! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Sounds great Drita! Thanks for playing! I think the part about "Being Ms Right First" sounds good. That's good to remember!!!

I'll have to post about CH.2 in Boundaries a little later. It's on "Honesty."

Oh, I read the intro last night and felt so much better about my selection! It is evidently a Christian book! It's quoting scripture, so that was a welcome surprise!
Plus, it talked about just what I had said in my post above... about "desperatation" and addressed exactly what I was thinking, so now I'm ready to read on!
Yes, it talks about where to "look" if you are looking-if you want an active man, get off your couch! If you want a church going man, go to church...(although I met my husband in a class at church and OH BOY!!! I don't know if I WOULD meet a man at church again!)
So, I'm excited! It will be a good long weekend and I need to get my mind occupied!

Drita I know what you mean. That's one reason I enjoy reading... to keep my mind occupied.

> > Ch 2 in "Boundaries in Dating" is on honesty. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Require it of yourself, and require if of whomever you're dating. Without honesty, there is no relationship. How else can you know what reality is? Say something like, "I need for whoever I'm with to be able to talk about their thoughts and feelings openly and honestly."

You have to be honest when you are unhappy or uncomfortable. This helps YOU communicate your feelings, helps resolve the situation (hopefully), and tests the relationship and the other person in their skills and ability to handle truth and conflict. There will be problems down the road SOMETIME, so you need to know how your relationship can handle them.

As soon as the OTHER person exhibits dishonesty, see it as RED FLAG. There are 2 types of liars: 1 person is dishonest out of protection of the relationship or love... or out of fear... to try to avoid rocking the boat... perhaps they haven't felt safe in the past to be honest about feelings, truth, beliefs, preferences, etc. This type of dishonesty CAN be overcome, with caution, and with work. But don't try to be a "counselor" and rescue everyone from their dishonest ways.

The other type of liar is a selfish liar, who lies out of SELF-preservation, or to gain selfishly. This type of person should be avoided at all costs.

Honesty also includes when you don't feel the same as the other person. You should date long enough to be sure how you feel, but if the other person definitely feels stronger than you, and you KNOW the relationship isn't going anywhere for YOU, you have to be honest. Otherwise you are leading them on.

> > Ch. 3 is on "Taking God on a Date". Many many great thoughts! THings like.... Comparing spirituality between you and your date (there should be some compatibility, but some difference is OK, and leaves room for discussion and growth). Sharing/discussing spiritual history and beliefs. Idolatry in dating (putting one person "in charge", or putting the relationship ahead of your beliefs or ahead of God). Walking the talk vs. struggling (figuring out if someone means what they say, or struggles in one area - like lying, sex, etc).

A powerful statement I remember from the book is Some people try to figure out how to fit their Christian life into their dating life, when what they should be doing, is figuring out how to fit their dating life into their Christian life.

> > Ch. 4 is about how Dating should not cure lonliness. Resolve your "lonliness" issue FIRST, before you decide you are ready to date. You have God-needs, that can only be met by strengthening your relationship with God, and you have people-needs, that can only be met by a good support-system of friends (and counseling, if needed), and these needs should NOT be sought from a romantic relationship.

more later! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I just ordered these two books from Amazon so I'll be able to participate soon!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Wow, that looks good!
You got a lot done this weekend!!
I didn't!

Good for you, Allurin! Drita girl... I wanna hear more about that book.

I read some more last night. About not repeating the past. We should evaluate our patterns of dating - what has worked for us - what hasn't - to see if there's something we're doing or not doing ... or to see if there's a particular type of person we're attracted to or avoiding .... and seek advice from people that know us and that we trust.... so we can learn and grow.

And then... the next chapter was on what to look for and what qualities to avoid in a dating partner. Some character traits are tolerable... (since none of us are perfect) ... but some are not. The book gives excellent steps on how to confront behaviors we don't like, to try to ask the other person to change, before giving up and leaving an unhealthy relationship. I don't have the book in front of me... I should learn the wording and the steps well enough to talk about them!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> See? It helps me to report my reading here!!!! I'll come back tonight and post it.

hugs,
Faith1

I read chapter one last night... moved into a little of chapter 2, which is about being "ms. right"-mostly addressing self esteem.
Chapter one was giving some examples about women and men who had split up and moved on or had affairs, etc because dude wasn't all that they had dreamed. What this book is saying is that we all have our opinion of "Mr. Right" and how he comes along...like God has him chosen for us, or we have to choose...is there more than one "Mr. Right".
The book says whatever you believe, if you make that choice to marry the guy, then HE is your Mr. Right and you MUST follow through and do everything you can.
So to sum, it was what is your opinion of YOUR Mr. Right, is there more than one for you; and how are you going to make the decision if he is YOUR Mr. Right?
I'll let you know more about Chapter 2. It talks about no man wanting a woman who is solely dependent on him for her happiness.

Very cool...


It's so easy to fall into this trap. John Gray mentions this. He says its good for a woman to depend on a man for love and support. But not for happiness. So many women become TOO independent... TOO strong... they are not allowing themselves to be vulnerable to a man's love and the strength and support he can provide. <guilty> BUT... just like your statement... he cannot be the source of HAPPINESS.

Oh boy, I'm SO guilty of that too! Then I get upset when there is no one there for me when I NEED someone. I've set myself up. I'm too strong, so when I need people they go, what the...? YOU need help? Usually I'm the one that can take care of everything, and does. But I get so weary of that sometimes! How I LONG for someone to depend on, count on...
wah!