So nice of you to join us, DW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Back to our regularly scheduled programming <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ....
more on Boundaries....
a little more on ruining friendships:
- Explore your lonliness to see of it is a normal need for connectedness, or a sign of an injury that needs to be healed.
- Don't be afraid of
dependent feelings. Use them to seek out good people - either for dating healthy people, or to fill relational needs from nonromantic relationships
Ch. 9 - Beware when Opposites Attract
- Opposite-driven relationships often confuse dependency with true love. They rely on the functions that each person supplies to the relationship, and never develop the true loving feelings.
- Reasons why opposites attract:
* Instead of developing or repairing something in our own character, its
easier to "piggy-back" on someone else's. Thinking/feeling, introvert/extrovert, critical/accepting, etc. This is a negative thing, because we are avioding growth ourselves, and end up pushing each other farther in opposite directions.
* We're
drawn to someone with different characteristics so we can be complete. This can be a positive thing, because we naturally recognize what we are missing. But, we should strive to develop in ourselves, and our date should not be a counselor, mentor or teacher.
- Consequences: resentment, loss of freedom, confusion of responsibilities, parent-child struggles. One person becomes dependent on the other for certain functions. This is OK, as long as each person is still responsible for their own lives, and is still growing and maturing.
- Successful couples share values such as love, responsibility, forgiveness, honesty and spirituality. Immature, struggling couples look for someone who possesses nurturance, structure, competence, or personality that they don't have.
- Be in the growth process, and look for someone in the growth process. NOrmalize and identify each of YOUR character deficits, such as; detachment, irresponsibility, perfectionism, authority conflicts, etc. You both should be able to talk about these types of things.
- Attraction to uniqueness is OK. Don't look for someone with your deficits.
Ch.10 - Adapt Now, Pay Later
- Be yourself. Be honest, about your likes and dislikes. Tell the truth about where you want to go or not... what you want to do or not.
- Don't be afraid to share your desires and wants for fear of conflict. Find out early if you are with someone who can share equally.
- Get feedback from honest friends to tell you if you are really being yourself and seeing the relationship realistically.
- Be careful with each decision. You are making an impression of what you like in life - the other person just might believe you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Ch. 11 - Too Much, Too Fast
- We only know each other to the extent that we have experience with each other. Experience takes time.
- Examples of time-consuming dating activities on the road to becoming committed to someone:
* Having enugh talks to safely open up with each other
* Entering each other's worlds of work, hobbies, worship and service
* Meeting and spending time with each others' friends
* Understanding each other's strengths and weaknesses
* Going over basic values of what is important in life
* Getting to know each others' families
* Spending time away from each other to think through the relationship, alone and with friends
* Learning the best style of disagreement and conflict management
- A time-line of a 1-3 years is reasonable. At least a year - to go through the seasons (holidays, vacations, school terms, etc).
- Taking time helps you clarify between
need and
love.
Need seeks closeness to fill up our deficits (lonliness, dependency, powerlessness). Love seeks closeness for its own sake, knowing that the other person benefits from the relationship.- "Love is patient" (1 Corinthians 13:4)
- Ways to determine if you are going too fast:
* You "know" each other emotionally more than you "know" each other objectively
* You find yourself more invested in the relationshipthan in areas of your life that are important to you
* You abruptly stop dating others
* Your friends tell you
- Reasons we don't wait: Lonliness, used to being "married", difficulty maintaining friendships, perfectionism.
- How to slow the pace:
* Get a life (friends, work, hobbies, church, service, etc)
* Deliberately slow the pace in your current R to find out what is underneath the speedy commitment
* Figure out if it's your date, or you, or both applying the pressure
* Ask friends for feedback
* Deal with conflicts, differences and preferences instead of glossing them over.
* Avoid too-quick involvement by getting involved with each other's real lives, such as friendships.
Ch. 12 - Don't get Kidnapped
- Stay involved with your friends and family, and be open and honest with them about your dating. Be open to their feedback, and lean on them for support.
- Stay involved in your individual activities, and make some alone time.
- Keep dating others until you are sure you want to commit to this one person.
Ch. 13 - Kiss False Hope Good-Bye
- Good hope is rooted in reality.
- Sometimes we hold onto incompatible wishes. When there is a real problem, ask yourself "what reason has he/she given me to hope that things are going to be different?" Look for evidence: ownership, a growth plan, repentance.
- Change your dysfunction in the relationship.
- Don't wish and nag. Follow a healthy plan for asking for change.
More to come.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
