(This is a repost from the emotional needs board, they recommended that I repost it here)

My h and I have been married for 14 years, together for 19. We have two children, ages 10 and 8. Our marriage has been okay. Not bad not great. We were both very young when we married.

Anyways, a year ago I approached my h and told him how unhappy I was. He simply wasn't meeting my needs. I felt like an employee and very unloved. I told him what I needed, which was attention, affection, and communication. He stood up and said he wasn't changing for anyone and he was the best I could ever get and then walked out of the room.

I prayed, counseling and cried for many months. I tried to be a better wife. I did every possible bible study to change me hoping he would want to change too. He didn't. Then I approached him again with the same request and said that I wanted out of our marriage. He said to go find someone who cares. I was devastated.

3 weeks later, I found someone who cared (or seemed to). I got involved in an emotional affair. It was short term but still it was there.

My h then decided to work on our relationship. I quickly went nc with the om and start focusing on us. But I found I was so far emotionally from my h. He represents pain for me and I simply don't trust him to love me forever. Several of the things I told him I needed for us to go forward, he did for a few weeks and then went back to the same old, same old.

I've continued doing what I promised to do: nc, ic, anti-depressants. I'm feeling better about myself and more in control. I'm getting to the root of my issues. He hasn't done anything. He expects me to go back to the way things were. But I want more.

I've just closed myself off to him and I don't know how to open up to him again. So yesterday, he told me we were over and to file for divorce. I'm so sad. I wanted the dream marriage that lasted forever. I didn't want to fail. But I can't be that woman he wants me to be anymore. He even says he doesn't like the new me, who is less easily angered, in control of emotions and more caring.

Just to clarify and give some more information. We have both been unhappy for about 6 years. He has admitted to wanting to leave about 5 years ago. It also is more than just "meeting my needs". It is about making honest change to make our marriage the most important thing in our lives. The changes I've requested include ic. He has been physicaly violent to me very often. I told him the last time, which was in June that if he ever hit me again I would leave. I also told him he must get counseling before we could move forward. He had to get to the root of his violence.

I've really changed my attitude. I'm working hard to be a better person. I came from an abusive childhood and I through ic have overcome some obstacles to me having a healthy realtionship. My h tells me that he doesn't like the new me, which is more compassionate, caring, not easily angered. He preferred me being dependant upon him for my happiness. I don't want my marriage to end because I didn't do the things necessary to make me a better wife.

We have been to mc several times and we end up not accomplishing much. His violence is evident to the therapist and she has said he needs to get to the root of that problem.

I have been nc with the om for 6 months.

I grew up in a difficult situation and my h has always thought he was better than me because of that. I was poor, his family had 3 homes, etc. He admits that this is a problem he has suffered from, looking down upon me.

I'm just so frustrated and I don't know how to open myself up to him. I've made such headway in my ic as far as dealing with some huge issues, yet my marriage is still suffering because he wants us to stay the same. He represents pain for me and I simply don't trust him to love me like he should.

Early on we both read His Needs/Her Needs and he seemed to put something into practice but it quickly went back to the way it was.

Thanks for the thoughts, I will continue to ponder them.

lostinlife

I am sorry for what you are going through. You are in the right place. Know this. There are many here very experianced and will offer you their honest opinion of what you need to do.

I have read your post several times and given it some thought before replying.

1st I applaud you for realizing what you have done. It is wrong and there is no excuse which you now know. Your feelings for your husband "being closed off to your husband," are normal feelings. For one, he has not meet your EN which lead to your EA. But also you are experiancing what is normal in withdrawel.

2nd, there is no excuse !!! for abuse. Your husband should never be abusive and there is no excuse for that either. Physically or emotionally. I understand you want to work on your marraige but be sure you are not in danger. I am no professional at all, but you should not put up with abuse.

3rd, Has your Husband ever had and affair. He seems all too quick to give up after he initially aggreed to work on the marriage. Just a thought and don't let my suggestion cause your mind to wander. Just a thought from me. I mean I am wondering why he would have wanted to leave you about 5 years ago.

Is there more info that could help shed some light?

Oh and by the way, I will pray for your right now.

waitingonlove-

Thank you for responding. It's given me something to thing about.

1st-I'm not in danger as of now. He has promised to not hit me anymore. I believe him as he is now horrified by his actions and being labeled an abusive husband. In June, I told him that if our daugthers had a husband who hit them I would tell them to leave and never come back. He responded that it was not big deal and he would tell them to work on their marriage and to become better wives. Then about 30 days later, he told me he had prayed and thought about it and he was wrong, he would tell them to leave too. So he does realize it is an issue. He has our pastor holding him accountable for his violence.

2nd-I really don't think he has ever had an affair. He is really quite an honest man. He works with mainly women and I've often questioned his actions over the years as they call our home at all hours.

Since I told him I wanted out of our marriage he has wanted to "fast-track" everything. I've told him that we need to take it slow and really work on being better people thus having a better marriage. I realized that I needed severe help in overcoming many issues, mainly my suicidal thoughts. Anytime I think of staying with my husband, I get very sad and start having suicidal thoughts again. I've come a long way. He on the other hand wants change to take place immediately. He wants life to be the way it was before. It took 14 years for our relationship to get this way and it won't change overnight.

He thinks that 4 months is enought time for us to be better and to be "normal". I'm just so confused. I was sobbing yesterday as he just doesn't get it. He is so clueless about how to make our life better. It really makes me sad. He spoke with our pastor yesterday and realy got reprimanded for pushing so much. It is such a rollercoaster of emotions.

What I want is someone who cherishes me and loves me. I want to adore my husband. I want him to think about me and to call me. I want to want to be around him. I just read a great book called "The Walk Away Woman" and it sure touched a cord in my heart. I read passages to my husband and he just didn't care to hear what it said.

Thank you for praying it means so much to me.

Hello lostinlife,

Welcome to GQII.I am sorry for what you are going through.

First I would like to say that even though you felt like your EN's weren't being met,that is never a reason to cheat.Cheating is never the answer to anything.If things were so bad then you should have left the marriage but you also didn't so there was something keeping you in it despite your H's attitude and actions.I am also pleased to hear that the OM is no longer in the picture.Whatever escape he gave you,temporarily,in the long run you would have been hurt by him too and what you did.It wasn't the right path to healing yourself.

Ok,now that that is out of the way,I would suggest that you make decisions based on what is right for YOU,not for only the marriage.No one would advocate staying in a physically abusive marriage but if you are both seeking professional help then there is a chance but don't risk your own life or health on it ok? Even though your H is suggesting that you get over everything in 4 months,he needs a reality check: that is not enough time at all.Your marriage is critically wounded and needs time to heal and the only way that can happen is with two devoted, patient spouses.Some people don't ever get it and your H may be one of them but have hope: one way or another,you CAN be happy again with or without your H.

While we are a PRO marriage site that doesn't suggest ALL marriages can or should be saved.I can appreciate how you feel you cannot open up to your H.He sounds like he isn't making that a secure and safe area to do so.There is nothing wrong with putting a time frames on how you want things to progress.No one would tell you to try forever.It takes two to make a marriage work,you cannot do it alone.So there has to be a timeline.Your H has just as much work to do as you and things should not stay the same as they were.Obviously that was not working.You have to make the distinction between what it is you want to be and what IS ok?

Try to find the peace and calmness in your own heart and mind.Value yourself and learn from your mistakes.You are in control of your own life.

Hang in there~

O

Oh wow. Physical abuse is where I draw the line on saving marriages. Sure your H might stop – and might have stopped for the time being but he will not stop unless he has serious counseling. At the moment he is like an alcoholic who has stopped drinking but not done the 12 step program. He has removed the symptoms but not the disease.

This also rings into why he does not love the new you. Abuse is about control. He has learned to control you with emotional and physical abuse. Now you change and he feels his control is threatened.
Maybe he really has stopped the abuse. Therefore he is not clear on how to get the new you in line. Read your own post! He emotionally abuses you by telling you he is “better”. He also physically abuses you. When he finds that he can not control the new you expect him to fall back to tried and trusted methods: i.e. beatings.

The remark about your daughter! Do you realize that the odds of her marrying an abusive man are greater if she grows p in an abusive environment?

IF you insist on saving your marriage then your husband has a lot of work to do. He has to change before you can even start on your marriage.

I think the ONLY time I can understand reasons for an affair is where the wife is physically and emotionally abused to a state of not being capable of reasoning. Mind you – understand not approve.

My view on abuse is based on hundreds of visits while in the police to battered wives. Believe me I would rather go clean up a car crash with a spatula.

I'm sorry, abuse is something that should not be tolerated in a marriage.

I don't know what the odds are for an abuser to be cured of this awful behavior.

This would be my firstmost question. Can this man be cured of abuse?

If the odds are against him being cured, I would definately not worry about trying to save the marriage.

I am not saying divorce him. I am saying look into the facts about abusive men.

After you decide whether you like the odds of his behavior changing, you can than make the decision of whether you feel your marriage can be saved.

You have already been victimized once, by your parent, that was supposed to keep you safe.

Do you really want to spend your life being abused again???

Abuse is my dealbreaker...and after he pushed me and had a nasty fall after my LAST ever d day with him, I left.

Abusers do not change without some serious help. Not seeing a counselor here and there...takes a whole lot more ok?

Please seek advice from a competant therapist.

If YOUR THERAPIST IS EVEN REMOTELY AWARE OF ABUSE GOING ON AND SHE/HE DOES NOTHING ABOUT IT..THEY AREN'T WORTH A DIME.

I see you doing all the work trying to repair the marriage...you seeking an affair b/c of his disrespect, lack of emotional caring, and abusive behavior.

You probably thought the affair would either give you a way out or let H see the proverbial light. Seems to me all you got was a faint promise he'd not hit you again.

Get counseling here. they'e good.

And if H is unwilling to change, seek proper mental help and commit to a program of help for spousal abuse...then I would get a D as quick as I could.

One more thing...don't have another affair.

Thank you everyone for the insight. I have a lot to think about.

My girls are my top priority and I know they are more likely to marry an abusive husband. I've done tons of research on abusive men and know it is very, very hard to break that cycle. He needs to be in therapy for abusive men and he doesn't think that is necessary.

I am in a group for abused women. It has been such a relief to have support and help from that group. Coming here and reading all the tips, etc. have been helpful. Since my EA, I have worked so hard to become a better wife.

Just to clarify, I know my EA was so very wrong. I regret it so much. I really felt at the time that he gave me permission to do so. I justified it that way. I know I should of walked away from my marriage before becoming involved with anyone. I do not blame him for my actions, they were mine and very selfish. I stepped into something that made me feel worth something for the first time in a very long time. I was dying for someone to notice me.

Having the EA, gave me courage to face my fears that I was in an abusive relationship. My husband had torn me down so much that I was seriously thinking about killing myself. I believed that I was worthless. I've now because of lots of counseling, seen the light and am learning to love myself.

After so many years of abuse, it is hard to see things clearly. Your self worth is so low it is easy to feel accepted by someone that you shouldn't.

Anyways, thank you again for your words. I will be praying and thinking on them.