Hello all, I have posted here a few times but got few responses and didn’t really keep up with the ones I got. I just felt I needed to ask advice again as my situation has changed a lot. WW admitted to her affair and said she is in love with the OM. Nothing all that unusual for someone visiting this site until...

She had to pick me up from work the other day, and she told me she was bringing him along. She forced us to meet each other and then insisted that we get along. I don’t really understand her motives for this. I am sure I was stupid for allowing it to happen, but I didn’t know what else to do. I had no where else to go. Currently OM is a few thousand miles away visiting his family for 8 days. WW and I are still living together and she talks about remaining together for at least 8 more months. I think the biggest reason is because OM is being deployed in January and returning in June. She says she still has feelings for me but she struggles to reply when I say I love you. I just don’t understand; we get along great, mostly because I am making a very large effort to ensure that I don’t commit any love busters. As well as not yelling at her or judging her or bringing up any of her mistakes. She is being honest with me, so I know she has much stronger feelings for this OM. She claims she is not having sex with him, and I believe her.

I want to believe that I still have a chance in this marriage. I know she is being very selfish and basically playing both of us. Is this a woman I want to be with? My family is encouraging me to divorce. They are telling me to start hiding money from her and eventually kick her out. I can’t do that. The biggest problem we had in our marriage was a lack of honesty. Even though she is hurting me she is being honest with me for once. Having to be around the OM is very uncomfortable and hard. I think I may be tolerating it in order to still be able to spend time with my wife. I would rather be with her than have her alone with him. I know that is stupid reasoning but I can’t figure out what else to do. I have a few days alone with her except for his constant phone calls and emails. I want to use these days to my advantage. I am just hoping he slips up and makes a mistake.

I would suggest finding a very good counselor to determine why in the world you would allow yourself to be treated so shabbily. I sincerely fear for your future mental health if you have so little self respect that you cannot be counted on to defend yourself from this cruelty and abuse. That is a sure fire ticket to depression, my friend.

I would also add that women do not respect men they can run over. Our love is often very contingent upon the respect we feel.

Please read this thread about a man, quite like you, who tolerated enormous abuse and disrespect and ended up hanging himself. click here

Thank you Melody, sometimes we need a reality check. I guess I really need to learn to stand up for myself. Maybe I will share this story with my wife. Do you think it will be of any use?

Good Lord JJace! You actually met the guy? Got in the car with him?

Your WW has no respect for you in her current state of mind. Very often WS have the idea that everyone can get along just fine in their new little world- be friends even!

Melody is nice and eloquent, I am an a** and functionally illiterate, so...

You believe her when she says she hasn't had sex with him? Yeah, right. Time for a wake up call here.

You're playing the patsy, time to get tough. Don't take that kind of abuse! Are you worried about offending your wife? Pissing her off maybe? Well, forget that.

You need to take action if you want your M to continue. Get out there and expose her right away...to anyone who cares, including her family. Don't wait to do this, do it now.

You're letting her live her little fantasy lifestyle and even enabling it to a degree! Read about Plan A on the site, but don't let yourself be pushed around any longer.

Good luck.

Don't share that story with the WS. It will give her ammo.

Right now you need step by step guidance. See if you can get an emergency meeting with Jennifer @ MB via phone counseling.

Listen, you also needs to read...... Surviving an Affair (Dr W. Harley) and the book: Love must be tough (Dr James Dobson).

IMHO, you can't make progress if you don't come up with a good recovery plan.

Here's a tip: Share NOTHING with a WS. No advice, no teaching...nada. Protect yourself financially, emotionally and don't let her call the shots.

Get yourself some immediate support right around you. When she pulls these stupid stunts, notify your support group. Remember not all c/b your support 24/7 so designate according to their abilities and your needs.

Check out your legal ramifications. If she is being stupid and dangerous and you have chlidren, you'd best check out their legal options as well (ie: your parent custody rights , your childre's rights to a safe home environment).

take care,
L.

Hi JJAce,

I will agree with the other's that meeting this OM was wrong.Don't let that happen again.I am surprised you didn't pummel him but on the other hand,you let your WW expose you to this OM and accept her sickening fantasy.Of course she would like you all to get along.That is how a warped WS mind works.Totally inappropriate.



JUST SAY NO.


She is caught up in the A and so she cannot feel for you like she once did.She has feelings for the OM and this is where WS's get confused and usually give the ILYBINILWY speech( I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You). You may not understand but it's really not that difficult: if you are invested in another person and your brain is saturated with chemicals of emotion(dopamine,norepinephrine)then it's hard to feel otherwise.There's a whole process to this.


I highly doubt this and you have to understand that WS's are liars as well as cheaters.They will only protect themselves and OP and do what is necessary to protect that facade.

That is why it can be very difficult to endure the WS and the A.You are essentially dealing with a very sick individual and the "addiction" is fueled by the OP who usually is in over their heads too.You have to have a plan and stick with it to deal with all of this.You don't want to be with a *WS but I am sure you do want to be with your *wife.That is the goal and also right now,you cannot make that happen.What you can do is focus on yourself.Your WW's choices are her own even if she is sinking into depravity.It's hard to witness but you do not have control over that.You want to show you WW a healthy,strong and calm spouse who has integrity and dignity.

In a previous post to you I listed what you need to be doing right now.This isn't over easily and it takes time,a lot of time to deal with this.There is no magic cure and there is always the possibility the marriage will end,that's a risk we all face.

Once this OM leaves then you may have more opportunity to fill needs or show your WW what she is losing.Also,you may need to put a call out to **Mortarman and see what his suggestions are regarding Military exposure.This guy should NOT Be able to walk in and out of your lives as he is and who knows when he will be back.Get MAD about that JJace.He needs to know you mean business and there will be NO more meetings.

O

Why? To make her feel sorry for you? Do you think that will help her respect you? NO. What will make her respect you is if you start acting like a man who has some self respect and will not tolerate abuse. Start standing up for up for yourself and quit acting like a doormat. Acting like a doormat will not earn you her love, it will only earn her contempt and disgust.

Hi, JJace.

You have three WOMEN telling you that you need to be manly with your wife so that she can have some semblance of respect for you. I think you need to take their advice to heart.

I don't know what power your wife has over you, but you need to lose your fear of her and of her actions. You especially need to lose the fear of losing her - you have already lost her.

If you want her back, then you will have to win her back. That means fighting for her (and no, I don't mean punching out the other man, that will land you in jail).

Honestly, speaking just for myself, I would lay him out and divorce her, but the fact is, I would never find myself in such a position. My wife respects me and knows my boundaries far too well to ever attempt such an action.

What are your boundaries with your wife? Are there any? Has she already spent all your money financing the affair?

Get yourself legal help now. Get your finances separated NOW. Say NO to anything she wants regarding the other man.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble,

Good post. Concise and to the point.

Thanks,
L.

Thanks for the kind words, Orchid

Gimble

four women gimble..

I am speechless...

foronce....

don't worry it won't last long......

ARK^^

JJAce,

I here the Om is military. Please elaborate. Because if he is, he doesnt belong in my military. I can help you take care of him...but I need more info on what service he is in, how does he know your wife, is he married, what rank he is.

Duty, Honor, Country. This guy knows none of that.

In His arms.

I cannot believe that she would have insisted that the two of you meet!!!

That was one of my wife's greatest fears post d-day...she knew full well that if we'd met, one of us wouldn't have made it out alive. PERIOD. She was hoping and praying that I'd forgive him enough to perhaps let things cool down enough that they could both attend the kid's graduation...a year after d-day.

I have to say that it sounds to me as though you've given ALL of the control in your marriage/relationship to your wife. That SHE felt that she could something like this is astounding to me.

I agree with MM...get the OM's CoC (chain of command) involved in this, ASAP.

Motarman,

Can you email or PM me ?
My wife and OM are both mil and I could use your help.

Thank you

Eagle, do you have a thread on here? If you can bump it up, I'll join you there.

In His arms.

Bumped to the top