I posted a few weeks ago with the details about our situation but after really reading through A/B plans I'm now ready. I'll give the cliff version of our situation.

We've been seperated since June 15, 2005. At that time, my wife started spending time with my ex-best friend and best man from my wedding. His wife is my wife's cousin and best friend of 30+ years. The four of us have been best friends as couples for 12-13 years. Both couples have 2 precious little ones! You can imagine what has since happened. WW and OM are engaged in a hot and heavy PA. OM has walked out on his W and my W is deep in the fog.

Fact, I've been a a$$ at times troughout our marriage, consumed with work which lead to a bout with depression. I take responsibility for putting us here but I will do anything to save us. Enought said on that.

Here's the deal. Divorce was initiated immediately after me moving / kicked out of the house and we are now in the 11th and 1/2 hour! OM comes to my house after the kids are in bed and sleeps with my wife....very low. I have basically been a rug for the last 3 months pleading with W to come back to me, obviously a futile effort. W agreed to see a MC on Nov. 2nd, 2005. She basically said that she loves me but she doesn't know if she is still in love with me...blah, blah. She also stated that she needed time to think so she can have more clarity. She won't say that the D is a sure thing and that it's in the hands of fate. I know she cares about me but the fog is so deep. She has stated on various occasions that she loves him the way that she once loved me and I just need to let her relationship with him run it's course. Can you say knife in heart? The MC suggested a no contact rule for Nov. something that really hasn't happed with the kid's, etc. BTW - We were HS sweet hearts, dated for 5 years and married for 10.

I really haven't initiated a plan as of yet but I am now ready. The A is known to a condensed group. W's story to others about OM is that I work with him. As for her family, they know they spend time with each other but as for the details, who knows? OM family, who I know very well, is probably in the same boat with limited details.

I have 2-3 months until the D is final. Do I break out the guns and contact all family and friends at this point or is it too late for that? I'm afraid if I do that she will simply not talk to me and D court here we come.

Need some advice, URGENT.

Thanks!

Sweet Jesus Speedy! You're not living up to your handle.

For the love of Pete expose this trash to EVERYONE. Too late to start anywhere else. What the h*** have you been doing?

Begging for her back is totally wrong! STOP! Read about Plan A and implement it. Why in God's name did you move out of your house when you W is screwing some guy? Grow a pair! You like thinking about that at night?

Move yourself back into your house, tell your wife you'll not participate in the destruction of your family, and that if she's going to do she'll have to do it all by herself.

You have to be nice but set boundaries (Plan A) and see that you react calmly when boundaries are broken.

You have not been a very attractive alternative to the OM, letting your wife walk all over you like this.

Go out there and salvage what is left of your manhood immediately, but do it in calm, measured actions or you'll really blow it. You have to keep the high ground here.

Thanks for the super fast response! I really didn't have a choice in regards to the moving out, I was kicked out. I also didn't know at that point that my W was spending time with OM.

As for moving back in, I really don't think that it's an option. In fact, I know it's not at this point so I must deal with this situation removed from her.

You're correct, I have NOT been an attractive alternative to the OM, the sun rises and sets on his a$$ in my W's eyes. It's just when I'm around her I melt. And when I'm away from her and my family I'm extremely sad..obviously. She is all that I know.

Speedy...you cannot be kicked out of your home. What gives?

I gotta go to bed...but...

If you are on the deed to your home or on the lease to your rental you can't be kicked out.

Make her move the love nest. Now. Or suffer more, your choice.

Is the divorce already pending????

Edit to add::: I see from your prior posts in early Nov. that the divorce is final in a month or so.

Is a temporary custody order already in place???

Yes, the D is pending. As for out of the house, get this, just had it custom designed and built. Completed 3/05 and out on 6/05. She's living like a queen to say the least, has a good job as a HS teacher and my support from the temp order put's her at $5K a month. Life is good!

Kicker that I didn't mention, there is a restraining order against me due DIRECTLY to my reaction after I found out they were in a PA. I must stress, there were no acts of violence, I said some things I shouldn't have said, that's all....big regrets! But there is much more behind that one as well, a week prior to her telling me about the A she wanted to work on things, this was back in August. Then by weeks end, she dropped the ball on me and I was crushed.

The RO really hasn't been followed by her or me. It's more or less a control agent for her if I get out of line. She's really a smart cookie. The games run deep from the A.

I would love to kick her out but I don't really think it's an option?

Yes, temp custody is in place but not to my liking. I have the little ones everyother weekend overnight and two nights each week from 4ish till 8 or so. I miss them soooo

I just went back and read your earlier posts and discovered quite a background story on top of the story above.

I am telling you that hardly anyone posting here has the experience or know how to properly assist your complex situation. Multiple affairs by all the involved parties, clinical depression, suicide threats, money, inter-family relations, alcohol abuse, it is just tooooo much for us. Heck, I'm an attorney and I do not know where to begin. Problem is most of us are limited to our own simple little affair experiences and are not familiar enough with your type situation to give you productive advice with confidence....We could guess but would that be fair to you?????

You must call the expert Dr. Harley himself and set up an appointment with him or his daughter next week. You can link to them off the main site. It may be expensive but you've already spent a truckload of money at what has it got you???? You must do phone counseling with the foremost marital counselor in the universe [emphasis maybe slightly embellished].

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- She likely can not hold a R.O. over your head if she blatantly ignores the R.O. all the time. Check with your attorney but she should not be able to use the RO when it suits her...you've got documentation to back that up too...She goes to marital counseling with you.

TY for the very frank response, much appreciated! Our story is very complex and rest assured, you'd never know by seeing us. House in the burbs, wonderful kids, great jobs but what a mess. I will be in touch with the Harley's.

All I ask, has there been too much water passed through the floodgates?

The RO, a wonderfull point, I have personal documentation of relations, etc. but I know that won't hold a candle. We are also scheduled to meet with the MC the first part of Dec.

Speedy,

I am going to bed...but I wish you well.

My personal feelings are:

1. If you expose...you open up a huge can of worms. All this marital history gets dragged out in the open. You have no moral high ground to accuse her of betrayal and she's in the same boat with you now. IMO, exposure will only really hurt your kids as everyone will be talking about your story their entire lives. Again, Dr. Harley or other "promarriage" counselor needs to make the call on this one.

2. I don't think you have a good counselor requesting you sit back for a month while your wife test drives out the relationship with OM. But I have no conviction that I am right in your case.

I tried, good night and good luck...I'll check in on your thread...if you keep posting...maybe some more capable pro's will take on this challenge. It does tend to be slow on the weekends around here.

Mr. Wondering

Hi, Speedy.

The very first thing you must do is get in control of you. Address the issues that have led you to the place you find yourself. Then you fix the issues. You need to do it without a lot of fanfare or drama.

Until you make repairs on yourself, you aren't going to get very far with any plan, no matter how good it is.

Another fact is that you can give up on a quick fix. There aren't any. Fixing your issues, then addressing your marital, financial, and legal issues are all going to take time.

I hope that you have retained excellent legal counsel for yourself. You will need it.

As for exposing your wife's affair, you do need to let the other families involved know what is going on. That would be the other man's wife, your family and your wife's family.

For now, you must put the guilt of your affairs and actions behind you so that she does not use your guilt as a tool against you. This is to help you have a clear mind, and to establish at least one sane spouse in the marriage. You still need to fix the issues in you that led to those actions.

All the best,
Gimble

Rest assured, I have looked deep into myself after the 8/05 attempt. I took 6 weeks off from work and really looked at how I got to the place that I'm currently at. The AD's the stint with booz, it's behind me. The fact remains, I've had far too much too fast in my life and I/we weren't ready for it. I was always mad at life, what it had to offer and that's why I wanted more. I was afraid of life and never really realized my purpose. To love myself, to love my wife and children and lastly to accept the gifts that life had offered me. I'm evolving into a different person with the help of counciling and faith.

Someone on this site used the one eighty. It is basically trying to make it look like you have moved on and possibly dating others. It does not say to date but make it look that way. Dress real nice, not always be available to her. Seem happy and busy with your new life ect. Others will have their thoughtsd on this. When the WS sees that you may be dating it makes them think about what they are loosing. Sometimes it wakes them right up.

I have tried using the 180, I've even tried to date. For about 2 weeks I put on a happy face and let her know indirectly that I was spending time with someone. I told her that the D is ok with me if that's what she wanted. I must say, she was coming closer to me, phone calls, invites, convesations, etc. I was able to have this strength because OM was out of town for a month but he is now back. My mind is now racing again and her mind is with him.

Over the course of this past week though, I have regressed. I have broken down and resorted to tears again, I know, I know! I need to continue to have strength, but I'm so weak and confused at this point.

Did the RO stipulate for you to move out? I wonder if at that time you could have asked her to leave.
14mo ago when my wife wanted to separate she asked me to move out, I said no if she wanted the separation, she'd have to move out. Thats when she moved to her parents house.

No, I moved out prior to the RO being put in place. In the beginning, I think we both thought the seperation would be a temp arrangement, little did I/we know.

Talked to her yesterday (it's my weekend with the kid's) I asked what her plans were for last night, wrong move, I know! She said that the OM was coming up to watch movies and spend the night, knife once again in heart! How does she do this with a clear mind? It's not clear, right?

How should I handle the situation when dropping of the kids tonight? I want to talk to her but I know it's not in my best interest. Best move, smile, hug the kids and say bye? I just wish that I could reason with her.

Hi, Speedy.

What you can do is;
1) Expose the affair.
2) Check with your lawyer and see what can be done legally to keep other man away from your home when the kids are there.

Your children need your protection. Your wife is not providing a safe environment for them. Figure out what you can do about it. Do NOT talk to her about it. She is cheating and has ONLY her interest at heart right now. You be the man, YOU do something about it. YOU take action. Throw a wrench in the affair works.

Like I posted to you earlier, set your guilt aside and get to work. Read the concepts (plan A, plan B, Recovery) on this site and start implementing them in your relationship. Get a knowledge base built up that you can work with. No one here can give you a blow by blow, word by word action plan.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble,

Thank you for the words of advice. I may contact her sister, mother and a few co-workers advising them of the full details. I do have a question regarding this, they all know that she spends time with him. Am I to assume that they have already put 2+2 together? Is that good enough? Do I need to go further?

Secondly, the temp order and RO cleary states that NO SIGNIFICANT OTHERS are to be around our childern. The OM spends nights there, but it's after they're in bed. I do know that he has not been in direct contact with the kids but the whole situation is just ethically wrong. I will discuss my options with my lawyer.

W has agreed to complete the Emotional Needs worksheet(s). I hope this is a step in the right direction but reality is telling me she is just humoring me? Agree?

I have also tentatively scheduled an appointment with Dr. Harley. W says it would be a waste of time for her (at this point) to discuss together with him. I'm assuming I will still get benifit out of this?

Lastly, plan B is pretty much my only option at this point...from what I can see that is. I've been doing a good job at no LB's as of late, 1 1/2 months.

Thanks to everyone so far!