This is my first post and I'm hoping you all can help me figure this out. We've been married 10 years, together about 20, on and off a couple of times the first 4. My husband moved out of our home leaving me and two sons (13&15) mid September. He came home after work one day and said he was moving out, was in love with OW, didn't love me, never did, grabbed his clothes and left. Didn't say anything to our boys. We had talked about our relationship and the OW the previous night and that probably pushed him. What started out as an EA I believe turned into a PA after he left.

Over the last two weeks we have done things together as a family and as a couple, we have gone out for coffee and met at the mall. He told me a couple of days ago that he and the OW are no longer together (actually I asked based on a conversation we were having). Do I believe him? I really want to, but don't know if I can at this point. I don't know which one broke it off, if it is really off. He says he doesn't want to come home, I'm there, he is at home in his apartment. We want him home for good. When husband and I talk, we have civil conversations, but short. We don't talk about us, although I asked him if he wanted to talk and he said yes. Based on the following, I don't know if he ever will come home.

I was upset and spoke with my best friend about the situation. Her husband works in the same shop as the OW. My friend's husband talked to the OW's close friend at work and asked if she knew that OW was having an affair with a married man. She said she couldn't believe it. She was shocked. OW is a Christian and listens to Christian radio all day long which talks of staying in marriage and not divorcing. I spoke with my friend today and apparently everyone there knows. When she told me I felt this twinge. Why do I feel so guilty?? If my husband finds out, will he ever want to come home?

What do I do now?

Ali

Howdy AliT, it's a bit late for such heavy stuff, eh?

Don't worry about anyone finding out about what your WH has been up to, in fact, you should shout it from the rooftops. Tell his family, your family, close friends, whoever cares for you and/or your marriage.

Read about Plan A. Insist on a No Contact (NC) letter.


Don't believe a word your H says, he is an "alien" right now, maybe having trouble with his GF, maybe not. He is definitely in a PA, probably has been for a while.

Do not delay in taking action. It will only make matters worse.

Oh, and you have nothing to be guilty about, so quit letting him manipulate you like that. Time to get tough (not violent or crazy, of course) but no more Ms. Pushover for you. HE is WRONG. You are right, anything you do from now on is to "save your family," so go do what it takes.

Here is my 2 cents - why do we feel guilty for telling the truth. Here they are sneaking around having an A and we feel guilty. Ironique isn't it. Do not feel bad for stating the facts -you have done nothing wrong here. Have you read up on Plan B yet ? I think you should were he has moved out. You are fullfilling his EN meeting with him and talking to him. I think with the holidays coming NC might help you. But that is my thoughts.

Ali, the first thing you should do is run to the bookstore and get Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. If its not there, then order it off this website.

Your marriage is salvagable if you get to work, but you must first understand what you are dealing with here and then play catch up by doing Plan A.

Is the OW married? Does your H's family know he left for an affair?

Please click on the link in my signature to read about Plan A, but get that book! Time is a wasting and you have lots of work to do if you are going to salvage this.

And I am confused about this part? What would you to feel guilty about? Did you do something wrong? Are you somehow obligated to hide the fact that OW sleeps with married men? Shouldn't the OW be the one who has something to feel guilty about?

Thanks MelodyLane. I've already read Surviving an Affair and am currently reading Love Busters. Lots of information to absorb! I'm going to reread SAA. I can see where I may have lacked. I want my marriage to be salvagable. But he wants no part of coming home. He says he likes it where he is, it's his home. We're supposed to talk on Monday night. I will make sure I don't use any LBs. When we do see each other though, neither one of us is ever angry, we never raise our voices to each other. We never really did when we were together. It seemed that if I said something that he thought wasn't to his liking, he shut down. He was never really vocal. Didn't like talking to me because I was negative. Now that I look back over time, I guess I was. This has now stopped, with him and with the boys at home. It seems peaceful.

As for the OW being married, she told H that she was divorced. I did some snooping at the court and nothing has been filed. I once asked him if he was sure she was divorced and he said something about divorce papers. I said have her show them to you. I don't think she ever did. My friend that works with the OW said OW was in the process, but if that was the case, that would show up at the court too.

Yes, I told his mother about him leaving for OW. There was no response, no sorry or anything. Only how are the kids taking it. I don't know if she has discussed it with him. I don't see his parents much. His siblings know that he left, but I don't think they know why. His mother invited me and the grandchildren over for Thanksgiving. She told me H has no problem with it. I'm not sure if I want to go.

I would go to your MIL for Thanksgiving. That will emphasize the fact that OW does not fit in.

Secondly, I would find out who the OW's H is and call him up. Discuss the affair with him and compare notes to see if you can work on busting up the affair. The divorce story is probably a lie.

If there are any other exposure targets you can think of, ie: her parents, any of your close friends, your family, his family, I would do this now. Ideally, you want to expose in the same day so that it has the maximum effect and prevents them from pre-empting you.

Exposure is probably the single most potent weapon you have in saving your marriage from an affair. See, the affair cannot survive without secrecy. It is a fantasy. When the fantasy is exposed, the affairees are forced to explain and see themselves through the eyes of others. This is ruinous to an affair and often can result in a quick end or a hastened end to the affair. It causes huge conflict for them.

And lastly, do you understand what has happened that has caused your H to be so detached from you? Was your marriage that bad? This will be an important component of Plan A. Do you know what your H's top needs are? Was your "negativity" his main complaint? Can you explain why he thinks this?

I need to be more clear. I suspect the reason your H does not want to come home is that he is either still in the affair [most likely] and is holding out hope that she will leave her H. This is why I am recommending exposure. Your marriage has no hope unless the affair is busted up. Hope that makes sense.

Once the affair is busted up and your H goes through withdrawal [affairs are addictions, after all] then he will come out of the fog and begin to respond to you.

Do you see where I am going with this?

I'd also find out which church OW attends...her "image" of being a good Christian would be severely crushed if her exposure was brought to light!

I'd call her PASTOR...and have somebody from church to pray with her about her affair! I did that too...I called church my xh's ow/w (when she was his affair partner) Pastor...she supposedly goes to this church alot, and was active in their singles program (she was an unwed mom..trying to date anybody she could)which was most likely so she could meet men. I called the Pastor of this huge chuch and exposed. He sent two people from her singles group to her home and told her of the ufortunate news...that shw as doing something wrong in God's eyes.

To me, it is more than dastardly when a person uses religion to bolster their society image...so what if she listens to Christian music, goes to church 25 hours a day if her ACTIONS are less than faith based.

expose to OWH. Expose to whoever you can! affairs live in the dark. They hate being exposed to light...so go grab a one gazillion watt light bulb and do it! your M depends on this.

also learn and read and memorize "carrot and stick of plan A"..and yes! exposure is a huge part of plan A.