I have posted recently under emotional needs, because my W told me in Aug that she no longer felt emotionally in love with me. We have been in MC, and IC since that time and this past week she said "I am done". The announcement in August was a complete surprise, and when we discussed early on, she said there was only a small chance of D, and she wasn't going anywhere so let's just work on it. Now 3 months later she makes that statement. She said she did that to keep me calm. We have agreed to continue working on for the next few months (Holidays and Daughters birthday in Feb). Next step would be separation. I haven't handled these past months like I should have, asking a ton of questions, and telling her how to think sometimes. We have been married 13 years (2 kids G7, B5) and been together 20 years, so it was a tough blow for me not having a clue. My W admits she never led on this was coming on (we were also in the adoption process). She says that I have been controlling but yet she doesn't want control. Controlling has been without threats or anything, more of stronger voice situations. She also says I twist peoples words around, because if she asks them they say they don't remember saying it that way. Recent example came when I wrote down verbatim what her mother said to me, and it bothered me what her mother said, so I told my wife. She called her Mom, "because it didn't sound like her" and her mother remembered one, but I took it wrong, and didn't remember saying the other...thus my wife thinks I manipulated. The last piece she is frustrated with is "smothering". I like being around my family and her. She felt we had to go to bed together etc. I have at her admission improved in that area. The reason for my post is to get some advice on these issues she told me about. How do you build trust if she won't beleive what you say? She doesn't want to really talk about them because "her brain can't think" or she shuts down. She doesn't see these as an issue. I think at times she doesn't beleive she owns any piece of where we are at. She won't fill out the LB questionaire because it asks for too much detail. She has always tried to solve issues on her own and am not sure she realizes it doesn't work when you hold it all in. My IC says this is all a process, but I feel like I have a deadline over my head that isn't conducive to a process...HELP!!!

You talk about control not being an issue, but you're here wondering how you can force her to change and get her to realize... and all kinds of talk related to things you want her to do...

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. The *only* thing you can do is work on yourself. Keeping track of "right vs wrong" is a sure-fire way to push somebody away.

You don't say how much of the material on this site you've read, and how successful you have been in implementing it. If you aren't actively working on filling her LB, and working on meeting the EN's you can, without any lovebusters, well, you reap what you sow.

Are you sure she's not having an affair and just won't admit it? Some of what she's saying sounds indicative of it, unfortunately.

Be independent, strong and confident. If you cling to her and beg her to stay, the odds get much, much worse for her staying.

I know it's hard, but you almost have to pull away a little bit if you want her to stay.

@Jaye Mathisen - I respectfully disagree with you. If you "change yourself" by constantly giving in, you eventually erode your sense of what's right and what's wrong. I think that's a big mistake. Essentially, the idea of what's right and wrong is what made you the person you are today.

I think relationships are relationships - in work, friends, marriage; they have many similarities, imho. Diplomacy works the same. They say that diplomacy is the art of letting the other person have your way. I think that is the key to all relationships.

That said, I think that in certain circumstances, the best solution is leave.

Remnants of the Me generation would say that my own personal health and happiness takes presedence over any mutual satisfaction that may result in holding in your emotions for the sake of the marriage, knowing deep down that your insides are emotionally rotting away.

It's a tough call. But in the end I don't think that the idea of "give and take" was meant to erode and decay what makes you who you are.

I'll "give and take" on matters of time, committment, house work, in-laws, sex, and financial. I won't compromise the person I am. After all, that's the reason she married me.

They say that a woman marries a man expecting him to change; and he doesn't. And a man marries a woman exepecting her NOT to change; and she does. I believe that.

I'm just an armchair quarterback, but that's my $0.02.

awefaser, I think you are missing the point here. whatever you have said above, I will not say its totaly wrong but it depends on which situation you are saying it. yes your wife married u cause she was in love with you, but over the period we all get changed in our habits, behaviours looks and physics etc. therefore the feelings for each others get changed. I think you haven't read the articles from this webistes, i.e. LB, EN and so on. I will strongly recomend u to go and read them again and think about where u r standing. we all r human and we do make mistakes. if you are going to say that I m not going to change but my other half needs be changed thats wrong. on the same time I am not saying you change only yourself, but first to get to the point where u both are able to listen to each other and get to the joint agreement its necessary for you to show ur wife that u are making efforts to save your relationship.

I dont know if it makes any sense to you but in last again I will say you have to try to save your relationship and not to waite for someone else to do the job for you. because its u who is trying to save the relationship not ur wife.
KFH

@KFH

I don't think I have missed the point, but I am thinking heavily on my own situation and my own problems, and that may have taken me off target somewhat.

So you think that changing habits, behaviours, looks and physics changes our feelings for our spouses? I don't agree with that. I think you enter a marriage knowing that we all grow older, and when we do, we almost never grow prettier. And yes, just living with another person can change your habits to a certain degree, but it should change them for the better, not for the worse. In this respect, I think that the erosion of marriages is based on a very simple increase of lack or respect and being taken for granted.

You are right, I have not read those articles you mention, or any of the other "articles" on this site, and perhaps I should.

I have been analysing my own situation for years, I've been listenting to Phil, Opra, lite talk radio shows, books, etc. and EVERYTHING that comes my way of information in this regard continues to convince me that I have the right frame of mind.

I know I'm not perfect and I don't expect anyone else to be. I don't care if my wife or kids make mistakes because I know that we ALL make mistakes at some time or another. The most I've ever asked of my wife is mutual respect, and I don't think that's too much to ask.

However, I'm starting to hi-jack this thread, so lets get back to the original poster's issue.

I think the main point he made that is the crux of the issue is this:
That's it. If she has already decided that she doesn't believe anything you say, then essentially you are beat; it doesn't matter what you say.

I really don't have the answer for that, but I think that sometimes it helps to have someone else confide in your spouse (someone she trusts and believes.) Hearing the same thing from someone else can have alot more impact sometimes.

awefaser,
I do agree with you where you have mentioned,
"I think that the erosion of marriages is based on a very simple increase of lack or respect and being taken for granted." and this can be sorted out by (marriage counciling) MC.

All I can say in your situation is to find out what are the most highest ENs of your wife, and keep trying to fulfil them its more like follownig a plan A. by doing that there are chances that your wife will be able to come to a plateform where you can get agreed and follow the joint agreement policy.

I pray for you and your family, May god bestow his blessing on your family and your relationship.
KFH

It sounds like your wife is already having an affair and does not want to admit this to you. If she is in an affair, what would you do? Are you prepared to accept this? Would you want to forgive her and try to make your marriage work? Or would you not be able to go through the pain of recovery?

If you want to try to recover your marriage, it's time to talk to her. Be sure that no matter what her responses, that you remain calm and do not react. Be prepared to tell her how much you love her (I'm assuming that if you want to recover your marraige , it's because you love her more than anything and want to fight for her), and ask if she will give your marriage a chance. At this point, she may not really know what she wants. This is where Plan A comes in. Read this site and be prepared.

If you do not have the strength to go through recovery (it is the most draining process and most intense roller coaster ride of emotions that you will ever experience), then allow her to quietly go through with her intentions.