My wife of 8 years walked out of our home 2 weeks ago after a fight. It all started a couple of weeks before that when she lied to me about where she was going. She said that she was going shopping but it turns out that she went to have breakfast with a guy that she works with to talk about his problems. She is staying with him now and won't come back home. I truly believe that nothing is going on between them. She tells me that she has been unhappy for several months, but this is the first time that I have heard that. I have been trying to get her to go to counseling for the last 2 weeks which she has finally agreed to go to. She keeps telling me that I need to walk away from her, that she is no good to me, she can't offer me a future etc. A couple of days ago, she tells me that she loves me but is not in love with me. What are the chances that the counseling will work and bring her home so that we can work on our marriage. Thanks for your help.

Your W sounds like she has morphed into a WS. If so, you don't want her back. As for the OM's problems..... she is his problem.

Now go read some of the info here, get w/a good MC or better yet, call Jennifer C @ MB for phone counseling (worth every penny).

Re: You need a plan of action for yourself, then your M.

Read: the concepts section above
Book: Suriving an Affair (Harley)
His Needs/Her Needs (Harley)
Love must be tough (Dobson)

Protect yourself financially. Get with a good IC/MC or call MB, carefully select your immediate support group, identify those you need to expose this A to, etc.

Do you have children?

L.

"I truly believe that nothing is going on between them."

Well I hate to be the messenger, but this is huge mistake to make such an assumption. Everything your wife is telling you is right out of the Wayward Spouse "handbook". In other words, EVERY spouse that is involved with someone outside the marriage says these very same things.

First things first... Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley. He owns this site, and all the advice you get here will be based on his principals. This is critical for you to do, and the sooner you read the book, the sooner you will be able to take the proper steps to play a part in ending the affair, and have a plan for a path to recovery. If you choose NOT to read the book, you will make a bunch of mistakes (like I did), that will lead to a much more difficult path in saving your marriage.

Until you get the book, do NOT confront your wife in any way, until you understand HOW to do so. The book will give you a tremendous insight into how marriages become vulnerable, and what to expect from your Wayward Wife, and most importantly, will encourage you to become truthfully introspective, and begin changing those things about YOU that are not conducive to a healthy marriage.

I think you know in your heart there is more going on than you are willing to admit. That's pretty common, so don't fret about it.

Until you get the book, start at the "home" page of this website, and begin learning about infidelity, what leads to it, and how to combat it. Read especially about Plan A, as that will be your first course of action.

You can get through this, but it will take a lot of energy and dedication from you. This path is often referred to as a roller coaster ride, because of the emotional ups and downs. You may even want to see a Dr. and get some antidepressants to help you remain more grounded through this process.

Sorry you have a need to be here, but you will get MORE help on this site than anywhere else to get through this.

Best wishes,
SD

I am sorry, my friend, but your wife is having an affair. Until you accept that truth, you aren't going anywhere. Please follow the advice from Orchid and shattered dreams and keep posting here. Sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

SD,

Just wanted to comment how much I liked your post. It had a real comfortable yet progressive tone to it. As a BS, I would find it very encouraging and help me see what I had t/d.

Good post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Hello Ddogg,

Welcome to MB.

I agree with the other's that your wife is engaged in an affair,either just emotional(EA) and/or sexual too(PA).

There are several red flags that suggest this:

-talking with and meeting some other man(OM) about his feelings/problems.Sorry,you don't do that when you're married.He can go talk to his buddies or his wife.

-staying with him and not coming home( BIG red flag,hello?)

-ILYBINILWY speech( I love you but I'm not in love with you)Big red flag.

-no good to you,can't offer you a future with her,etc, etc.

You can't make your WW go to counseling again nor work on the marriage but I would suggest you read all our concepts here,check out our MB bookstore and keep posting.Try to find out who the OM is and if he is married,exposure will be key.

O

Thanks Orchid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I wonder every time I post to a new arrival why I haven't written a "stock" post to newbies, so I can just copy/paste and save a lot of time. Maybe this is the "one"?!

I mostly lurk these days, but every so often someone writes a post that "touches" me, and I just can't help but respond.

Bless you and ML and so many others that post with religious regularity, because you help so, so many people!

Where is the "applause" Graemlin when you need it?

Best wishes,
SD

Your wife is having a PA! The sooner your accept this fact, the sooner your can start on working on yourself and possibly save your M.

Be aware that she will not admit to it, but the only person who believes that she is not in a PA, being aware of the facts, is you. The reason being is that it is so hard to believe that the one we love so much would do something like that to us. But alas, this happens all the time.

Accept the fact for what it is and follow the advices given above. We are here for you and will walk through this with you.