i will write ww a note saying : ' i thought you can find happiness in your affair, however since your affair began, you have been living under the pain and suffering , which make me very painful when i see you .


anyone here please tell me if it is ok to say it to ww.
thanks

why bother when they don't read or speak our language in the "fog"? I think maybe it would be more effective to say that you still love her and it pains you to see her hurting.

Hi Pinetree,

Is your W continuing the affair at this time?

Lady

thanks Fllower and Lady
WW has a depression problem even before A, she met this op just by chance ,but soon she thought this op can fill her emptiness inside and give her happiness which our marriage can not fulfil.
My ignorance for her and a lot of LB also contributed to the enviroment of ww'affair.
Now she is very easy upset with me, it seems i cause all of problems that she has now.

Although i plan A her for a time, but her mood is up and down and still contacts this op in secret. I know she contact this op maily via telephone. Every time when she went to meet thi op only stay there for a very short time and went back , maybe she would like to keep the affair as long as possible in this way. however i just think she is using him as medicine to ease her pain inside and lonliness.
Now her depression is more and more obviously, she is just feeling all the time lonely.
in this case i really do not know how to deal with it.

Pinetree, I hope that you would stop blaming yourself for what your WW has done.

As I was listening to the radio broadcast of the Harleys on Thursday. A WH had blamed his wife for his affair and he said to her...."I had an affair because my W didn't fill my needs as MB says, and my love bank became empty. Well that is what MB says, isn't it?"

Harleys reply to that was... "That excuse is just like a murderer saying, I killed because I was angry."

There is no excuse for what your WW is doing, and I hope you can let go of some of your guilt, pinetree. The appropriate thing for any couple to do when a marriage is in trouble is not to find someone else. It is to work on the marriage that you have. I only hope your WW will realize that. Marriages take work. It's always easy the first few years of marriage. After that... marriage requires work, not neglect, avoidance, and ignorance.

Please do not blame yourself for your wifes affair...Okay

Lady

Her feelings will not get better until A) She has no contact from otherman B) She has time to go through withdrawal.

You seem to be blaming yourself for her affair.

Stop, yes, I'm sure your behavior before the affair was not the best, BUT, It is totally your wife's decision to break you vows and heart.

She could have chosen marriage counseling to help fix your marriage.

She committed this heart breakng act of betrayal, and did this selfishly thinking of only herself.

That is very astute, recongnizing the fact that your wife is using the o/m to self medicate.

Nothing will change until no contact is maintained.

You must expose to her family and friends, and the other mans wife and family, if he has one.

Exposing is used to break up the affair.

It is not used as revenge.

Things will get worse before they get better.

After exposing your wife will be angry, and say she is going to divorce you.

This is all normal and to be expected.

Remaining calm, you explain you did this to save your marriage.

Only expose after you line up all your ducks in a row.

Get advice for an exposure plan from the members on this board ahead of time.

Do not tell your wandering wife what you plan on doing.

If you do this, she will have time to do creative damage control, trying to discount what she knows you are going to be saying.

W/S lie, cheat and act totally out of character.

They rewrite history and change their belief system to accomidate what they know is wrong, Their Affair.

Keep in contact.


K.D.'s Heartbreak

Pinetree,

Gonna give my 'opinion' here so remember it is only that, ok?

Your W has a history of being depressed? Is she seeking professional help? If so, let that go.

Right now it w/b best if you concentrate on completing your plan A.

RE: Depression or no depression, there is no reason in the world for your W to be a WS. None.....maybe on the 'mothership' but not here. That is why the WS acts sooooo out of this world.

Now back to planet earth. If you are still dealing with a WS, you must complete your plan A improvements. Almost done? Let us know because plan B (depression or not) is next (unless you want t/g straight to a D).

Why: Often a WS will use excuses like depression to put a guilt trip on the BS and family. I know, there are 3 bi-polar women in H's family plus another who is just a spoiled brat. All have pulled that stunt on not just their H's and boyfriends but everyone they are related to and live with, then they reach out and pass on that misery to neighbors, friends, strangers.....anyone. See how it can expand? So best to nip that in the bud.

Learn to differentiate between a real cry for help and a guilt induced one. There is a difference. Coach with Steve if you can and possibly her doctor.

Learn not to be afraid of even threats like suicide. In my case, I was instructed that when I received such threats to call x911. When I did that to the WS, he got angry but the police said I did the right thing. When his younger sister (one of the BP ones) did that, her sister called x911 and even though she was upset, the police again said we did the right thing.

This is a difficult world to live in. Depression or not, ownership/responsibility still exists for each of us.

Learn your support tools (including x911) and use them as needed. Don't be afraid. While law enforcement find domestic violence cases difficult at times, they understand the need for this service and recommend it is better to call before it gets worse.

So when threats are made, it c/b better to go with the flow than show a fight. I would listen then go do what I needed to do. It gave me time to calm down, get help and give them time to wonder what I was doing which in effect made them calm down. Doesn't alwasy work out the way they want but enough to help the BS and family.

In my case, the WS was dumb enough to call the police himself. LOL!!! Yea, in the fog he got dislexic and thought I was being the 'bad one'.....as I was throwing his stuff out the door (due to renewed contact and that was our agreement - except I choose NOT to pack all his things this time). He called me crazy and had dispatch on the phone. Since he was also pushing me around the house in an attempt to keep me from putting his things on the front porch (this was not the 1st time he was asked to leave due to breaking NC), I let the dispatcher know who was pushing who.... while he was on the phone, I said something like: 'hey, stop pushing me, you are hurting me.'

That was enough to send 4 officers to our door. What the officers witnessed when they arrived was the WS pushing me back into the house. Not hard (not more than a joking type push to the shoulder) but given the circumstances, it was enough to arrest him for domestic violence. The RO charges were filed by the officers instead of by me.

See how it turns out? While it was painful to see him arrested (I was crying), the officers reassured me they would not harm him but that he now had t/b processed. Of course when the WS called, it was all about how he was being abused. Funny...... seems like the fog still existed even i n the county jail. LOL!!!! Now his fogginess was on record. LOL!!! I no longer felt alone. Even the police knew. Not even by my own doing..... just by the WS screwing up all by themselves. This happened about 8 months after d/d.

This is my story.....just wanted to share my thoughts.

Hope it helps.
L.

Pinetree,

How r u doing?

L.