D-Day was 3 weeks ago and with someone I thought was my friend!
H was working in another town close to home, but too far to make the daily drive. He could have stayed with his sister but instead stayed with our friends...the OW and her H.
My H is an avid outdoorsman, both Hunting and Fishing and it is about the most important thing in his life. He told me of it's importance to him when we first got together and I accepted it thinking he would still find time for us....wrong!
On Fri 3 weeks ago he went to help one of his guys at work, he had left a window open on the computer to one of his hunting forums....I saw the PM's between them and thought I was going to be ill!
You see he and the OW and her H are all hunters/fisherfolk and have known each other for a couple of years. They have hunted together and I never thought anything of it. I considered her a friend, and we have done things together.
I used to be active in these things, but a car accident followed by a leg amputation and some rare neurological problems (resulting in 18 surgeries in the past 3 years and I am not only housebound but in a wheelchair. I am so scarred physically and emotionally, but I don't think he realizes how badly I hurt, or how much I love him!) have made it impossible to do things with him such as hunt and fish.
I have expressed the want to go with him, and before the last 3 brain surgeries(I now have a shunt in my brain...3rd one, when will my hair grow back?) I thought we were okay. Boy was I wrong!
His basic idea of foreplay has been grabbing at me, you know pawing....it does little to put me in the mood. Also he lives in front of the computer and gets aggravated when I try to have a conversation with him when he is online. The computer is his life when he is home. I can have a house full of guests, and he sits online and completely ignores all, in his own little world. Extremely rude IMHO.
I have had many a talk with him about the computer taking precidence (sp?) over one on one conversation, only to get ignored or he gets annoyed. Even our kids have said things to me about this!
Whenever I bring it up, I get told that it is an excuse, and I have no idea what I am talking about, etc. and I don't know what else to say...and then the worst of it is...his explosive temper! And boy, it sends all the kids running to their rooms and afraid to make a stand with me...so I go it alone without anyone in my corner, or to back up what I have told him,it has made all of us fearful.
He has never struck me, and I don't think he will but the temper he has terrifies me and upsets our youngest son (he's 12)so much he goes into hiding.....
He says he loves me, but his heart belongs to her (makes no sense to me!) They have had both an EA and a PA. He begged me not to tell her spouse since he has a temper too and she is terrified of him and what he would do if he were to find out.
I have copies of everything, and H says I only have them because I want to get even and hurt her/him. Heck, I'm just trying to protect myself more than anything, just reading the things they said to each other turns my stomach!
I have set up MC and he's not thrilled about it, but will go...
I guess the biggest thing right now is will this pain lessen? How can someone hurt this badly and still live?
I have been journaling thru the past few weeks, and even before since I was diagnosed with depression over my physical well being and am on anti depressants too, but sleep is always elusive, and the nightmares are horendous!
MC won't start until the Monday after T-Day and I guess I am just needing to vent and to know I am not alone in this....
I have read EVERYTHING on this site,and now am ready to take charge of my life and then my marriage....I just need to know that there is some hope out there!
Thanks for letting me ramble and for taking the time to read this....it means more than any of you will ever know!
Forgot to say, been married for 15 years, together for 18. Second marriage for me first for him. Kids D 24 S 23 from 1st marriage, S 12 from this marriage. When we married I was 28 he was 22. Also he has had EA on the internet as well...2 that I know of, but I thought we had worked thru it...those were 6 and 7 years ago.
Thanks for listening!
FromMySolitude

Dear FMS,

I just wanna say....I feel so sad for you and DS. Not only have you had to suffer enormously with physical ailments-depression, but now with your WH's infidelity. You are really gonna need a lot of support through this.

I do know that the affair will need to be exposed to OWH, probably as soon as possible to try to break it up. Others here will help you as to how to get to that point. And as much as you all have been friends, OW is no longer a friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Does the OW know that you know of thier affair?

(((((FMS)))))

Lady

I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. It does disturb me that you are housebound. Isn't there anyway you could possibly get a handicap van that has been converted especially for you, giving you some independence?

Have your husband and you had counseling over the stress both of you live under, being handicap and the special challenges it presents.

Is your husband depressed?

Are you depressed?

The reason I ask these questions is that I can see in your situation how your disability could pose additional stresses to an already shaky marriage with the prior online EA.

I will hesitate to give you advice, mainly I don't know your dependance on your w/s for support, physically and financialy.
I think all advice given should take into account your dependence because of the grave consequences of the advice.

I do know how painful it is finding out your husband has betrayed your vows.

Keep listening to the advice, but acknowledge the fact that we don't know your whole situation and realize we are not proffessional counselors.

Blessings to you and your family,

K.D.'s Heartbreak

Time to expose to OWH. If you stay quiet, you're enabling the affair to proceed. Hubby isn't going to stop just because you want him to. You've already had an encounter with the fog he's in with his "...loves (you) but his heart belongs to..." nonsense. He'll continue to spout that babble until the affair is stopped cold. Also, OWH has a right to know about problems in his own marrage and have the chance to correct them.

Lost,

Hugs to you and yours. I am early enough into discovery of A that I also wonder when the pain will lessen and am dealing with loss of sleep and the sure agony of where do we go from here. There were some good questions asked here with relation to issues that may have gotten between the two of you before EA and PE and if you have sought C for. His anger is a concern to be sure and no doubt part of his own defense he is throwing up. He may not yet see himself in the wrong, but bet me he is feeling it along with doubts and anger is a byproduct of this. I hope when you go to the MC that you express you concern regarding this-his anger to the C in front of WH. I agree with what's been said, you need to expose OW to her husband. Someone has already ask how much support you need from WH with relation to you being housebound, ( what is the risk he walk out on you if he learns you have exposed them?). If this is the case you may want to have a care how you expose A to OW’s husband, but do not let this detour you from exposing them. Consider bringing him ( OW’s H) into your confidence about your own concerns and needs with a request that he not tell his wife and your WH were the info/ exposure came from.
My heart goes out to you and I am glad you found this place. Knowing others are out there listening. It really is a Godsend.

Consider yourself hugged,

From, I am sorry you are here, but you do have many tools at your disposal. The first, and most effective weapon, is exposure. Marriage counseling is a complete waste of time if the affair is ongoing so your first order of business will be to bust up the affair. Exposure is your best weapon to acheive that goal.

I would suggest calling the OWH today and telling him about the affair. This will be ruinous to the affair because affairs can only survive under the veil of secrecy. I would then proceed to expose them to his key family members, your family and any other close friends. I would also suggest telling your children since this effects their life too. Exposure often kills the affair, either immediately or hastens it death. An affair is based on a fantasy and when they are forced to see themselves through the eyes of others, they see how sleazy they look to others. This is a huge blow to the affair.

Your H will be furious about the exposure because it will interfere with his affair. But this is ok, your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an affair.

Read as much as you can about the dynamics of an affair. Starting with the link in my signature about Plan A. Get your hands on the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. You can buy it in a bookstore or on this website.

Another good thread you should read about Plan A written by Pepperband: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2858269

p.s. what are the qualifications of this counselor? Is he/she a PRO_marriage C? Because many are not. Many MC's are quite damaging to marriages because they are not pro-marriage and will actually encourage divorce because they do not understand the dynamics of adultery.

Mel,
How do you know if the MC is PRO M or Not? Ask them? I know it would be un-ethical of an MC if they lied just so they can take our $$$... But I would think they would...???
I am so cynical.

Harmonie, here is an article from Bill Harley, but I would ask the C specific questions about their approach to adultery and divorce. If I knew what I knew now, I would only hire a counselor that was familiar with and supported MB principles.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html

Mel,
I agree with you there!

IThe last time we saw our MC, I told him I was reading the books by Dr Harley. He was not familiar with them! Nor the MB web site. However, this therapist thought so highly of himself, he repeatedly told us how he has counseled SO MANY marriages in this sitch that he could write a book about it. Funny that he never did share any advice, said he had a "treatment" plan for us, yet never gave us one, and spent 20 minutes of 1 session (our last) talking about fishing with my H! That was on our 10 year wedding anniversary date, Oct. 6th. What a waste THAT was!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />