Hi there MB posters....I haven't been here for quite some time. And yes, I am no longer going to General Questions, as it is for sure happening now...my husband has been moved out of our home now almost 2 months. He filed for D just 2 days after he left. I was sure (and he swore) that there was no one else, but I should've known better as his ONS was when last year we had only been married 11 months.....I was completely shocked, devastated, and broken back then, and again 2 months ago when he walked out, as I thought we were BOTH working toward recovery (we read MB books, did Marriage Encounter, were still in MC, etc.) and then even MORE so when I found out he had/has a girlfriend- swears he didn't start anything until after he filed, but of course even if it wasn't PA just yet, I'm sure it was EA, and the reason it seemed easier to go than stay and keep working on us....anyway, 2 weeks after he was gone, and the lies and hurtful LB kept coming from him, I noticed I was "late"...I was sure it was from not eating or sleeping, but as the weeks went on, I started to wonder...took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was shocked to say the least, but when I did the math, I figured out the date of conception was 9/24 (and he’d left 9/28) I was in Plan A, and against the advice of friends and family, I told him the news. He freaked! Now I understand it was because he was (and is still) in the "fog" and the news complicated things (we have no children, so he thought this D was going to be so easy). He screamed at me that I was lying, that I was psychotic, that I would stop at nothing to try and get him back home. He came over when I was at work one day and saw the positive test in the bathroom and he actually said that it was fake, or that I had someone else take it for me! He literally tormented me for days about how this was all a lie and it was "impossible". He told his mom and sister (who has suffered 7 miscarriages even after IVF, and has no biological children) and all his friends that I was a crazy liar and was faking being pregnant and should "be locked in a padded room”. I mean come on, that I had someone else take it for God's sake! This was despite the fact that my Mom had actually been with me when I took about 10 more tests because initially I was just so sure that it was mistaken.....I told him to come over and that I would pee on the damn thing in front of him, but nothing was "proof" enough. After I got a blood test, the next thing he claimed was that he wasn't the father, or that I had done it on purpose to trap him~ yep, I took my little time machine back to when he was still at home and got knocked up on purpose, because I just knew that he would leave and I could trap him this way! At this point I was really starting to think HE was the one needing the padded room, but again, now I see that this just threw a wrench in his plans, especially his care-free life with OW ~ how could he explain me being pregnant when he had been taking off his ring for a month every time he went to work (where she was) so she either didn't know he was married, or thought he filed for divorce much earlier than he actually did.....Anyhow, after his family hated me for "lying about something like this knowing what his sister had been through", I totally gave up. I was done with Plan A, and I decided there was no point in Plan B. For him to treat me the way he had, I just knew there was no hope, no salvaging us, no chance in ****** that he would be anything but a lying, manipulating WH. When he then told me that if I had the baby he would take me to court every day to fight me for custody, I lost it. I had to make the toughest decision of my life. Though I am pro-choice, I just NEVER in ten million years thought I would ever terminate a pregnancy myself, least of all when I was 27 and married and with a stable career.....But I did, with the support of my closest friends and family, and with much soul-searching and prayer. I knew that I COULD’VE done it, that I would be ABLE to be a single mom, it was just too heartbroken and unimaginable to bring an innocent child into this broken life with this person who would no doubt betray and abandon that baby just as he’d done to me. It literally broke me and brought me to my knees to go through with it. I (and I thought we) have wanted a baby for years, and he and I had even picked out names and talked about the nursery in our new house (that I am now in alone) just a few months ago. The plan was we would wait until the first of the year before we started “trying”for a family, but if it happened sooner, we would be that much happier....because I have NEVER wanted this divorce, I seriously thought of having the baby and just praying that he’d come back to me, but I just didn’t think that was a good enough reason to bring someone into this world. I had also been taking anti-depressants, and had drank wine a few times, and had not been taking care of myself at all, so I was truly worried about the health of the baby. This and a million other reason led me to decide what I did.....But above all else, I just didn’t think my baby deserved a life like this, nor the one he would endure for the following 18 years as WH and I fought over every little thing. I just didn’t think I could endure WH trying to take away this baby on top of everything else he has taken from me~ my trust in all men, my hope, my future, my marriage, my dreams, my self-respect. I just knew that he would do what he said he’d do- make false accusations and try to take the child away to hurt me and make my life ****** as punishment for ruining his “care-free” life with OW, and losing a baby that I loved was even worse than choosing to terminate a pregnancy that I would have loved in any other circumstance. I am still heart-broken and overcome with shame and guilt for making the choice I did. I hate him, and I hate what myself, for not being enough to keep him from straying, for not being strong enough to just not tell him and have the baby on my own, and for believing that this person truly was who he pretended to be for the last 5 years. I know now that there is absolutely no chance of reconciliation, not that there ever really was anyway, but now there is just no way I could ever even look him in the eye again, nor could we ever try and salvage our marriage after I ended the life of our un-born child. I truly do not know how to live with such despair, and heartache and sorrow, both over my failed marriage, my broken soul, my uncertain future, and my awful, terrible, decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

laura23187,

I really feel for you Laura. We are not always proud of the decisions we have made, but rest assured if you seek God for answers and hope, you will find them.

Surround yourself with loving and caring people who are not judgmental.

Learn, learn, and learn some more about relationships from this website and books that Dr. Harley has written.

Shed your guilt, it doesn't come from God. Don't try to justify your actions. Don't bury yourself in shame and guilt over your mistakes. Learn and move on, live for the present and future. Only reflect on the past to gain understanding for the future, not to beat yourself up or anyone else for that matter.

Remember this simple truth and may it give you comfort and compassion for the mistakes that people make. People could have never made different choices in the past. I mean really think about this concept. The choices we made at a time in the past were based on our conscience, our knowledge, our intellect, our prior experiences, and how we felt emotionally at the time of it. When we reflect on things, we now have new information, new experience and new knowledge, so we know that NOW we would not make that same bad decision if we did not like what occured.

Don't get me wrong, we are responsible for our actions, but to think that those actions could have been different is really absurd.

Take care and God bless. I pray this has given you some hope.

I think you made the right decision under the circumstances. Bringing a child into the world whose father not only resents him, but also probably would not have the decency to at least stay the heck out of his life, would have been cruel. There is no reason to hate yourself - this is not about something you did or didn't do - this is about a character flaw in him, or more likely some form of mental illness.

Better to stand by your decisions, as I have found there is a reason for everything that happens. This wasn't your fault, it as unplanned and I am glad that man is out of your life!

Natalie

Laura, Many many hugs to you.

I had an abortion myself when I was 27 and madly in love with a wayward boyfriend. I never really questioned it until after I had my first baby. While I would not make that same choice again, I still find it hard to regret it now.

Your case is much more complicated, and the aborting of the pregnancy is tied to the aborting of the marriage. They are intertwined for you, so lucky you, you get double the grief for a while.

The good news is it will get better. Slowly.

I think there are also some support groups for women who've had abortions. You may want to look into some that are aimed at recovery and not guilt.

And for the record, I concur with your assessment that your STBX needs the padded room. Usually affair induced fog doesn't lead the WS to such dramatic denials of reality. My guess is you'll some day be thanking Provinence he's someone else's problem.

In the meantime, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

HUGS

PS: it occurs to me you may want to email me since I had an abortion. My email is greengablesmb@yahoo.com

Laura,

Don't blame yourself for what your husband is doing... It is his choice.

You had to make a tough decision during a very difficult time in your life.... Major decisions are tough when your husband is manipulating you. He probably did make you think you were crazy. WS's love to turn everything back on the BS - it justifies what they are doing.

I am so sorry you are hurting this bad. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Keith