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Joined: Jan 2003
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starman Offline OP
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This will be the third Christmas since my STBXW moved out. The last two holidays I had STBX come over to my house and we had a day just like we did when we were together.

Last year I felt uncomfortable with it, it just seemed like I was holding on to the past and I felt like I was giving the kids the wrong impression about how things were. I felt like I was giving them false hopes about the future.

My STBX just called and wanted to know if I wanted to go shopping for the holidays today and put some things on lay-away. It's got me thinking about all this again. I don't like the idea of doing the holiday the same way again and I'm not sure if it's a legitimate concern or if I am simply wanting to make her face what she has done by making her plan her own holiday with the kids. Is this just plain spiteful, or is it the proper course?

Sooner or later the holiday will have to be split. One or both of us is going to be with someone else at some point and I would imagine that then this arrangement will no longer work. Should I just wait until that time comes or go ahead and get it over with now?

Thanks,
starman


BS(ME)-46
WW-39
Married thirteen years
D-day Dec. 24,02
discovered multiple A's
Divorced 5/04
S20,S18,S16,D15,D10
Life is awesome again!
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Starman,
IMHO, I think you should consider the possibility of doing your own thing with the kids and let STBX make her own plans.

As you said, this will eventually be the sitch anyway. However, it is great if all of you can pull the holidays off together and civily for the sake of the children, But I think it may make things harder next year, or when ever, if the "traditions" don't change this year.

Unless you could see your family including your new person or STBX's new person included all together in the future???? Sounds weird, but I actually know a family that does this!
The re-married spouse's, kids, and new kids all do the Holiday thing together and they love it!

But if that is not feasible to you, then you need to start creating new traditions and a schedule that is fair to everyone.

Good luck and I hope the best for you and the children.

Be well,


Harmonie BS Me - 43 EX/WH - 35 b-day 8/22 D day 8/21/05 Separated 4/2/07 DS #1-16 mine DD #1-15 mine DD #2-9 ours DS #2-6 ours Married 12 yrs together 13 1/2 "Hang on and keep your belt tight and hands in the the car at all times, this is a bumpy ride."
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starman,

My WH was at the home last year and it was SO uncomfortable for me I will not allow that again but anyway,I am D'ing so that is not an issue.My WH will have his own plans and see his parents and we will split the time as we do all other holidays now.It's sad but necessary.

Do what you feel is right in your heart.Don't feel pressure to mingle with the WW just "for the kids".If you are miserable the kids will pick up on that and they might expect it each year.Talk to them about what the plans are.

Despite the changes in my own marriage/life,my girls are really excited to help decorate and cook/celebrate.I am determined for Christmas to be a wonderful,happy time.I wil be as positive and supportive as I can be.

O


BW(me)40 DDay 10/11/03 Divorcing 'The Reformer'- enneagram type 1 ~Let Higher Minds Prevail~ --------------- ~Life isn't complicated,we make it that way~
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I agree with doing your own thing. WH came to our house last year for Christmas. He had just moved out and I absolutely did not want him there. WH wanted to come. My inlaws decided that they would boycott Christmas with their grandchildren if their son wasn't there. The MC we had at the time suggested that we have a family meeting with our kids to discuss it. The kids ask pointed questions that WH did his best to babble. In the end, the whole situation was too new for all of us. We fell back into our traditional pattern. WH arrived at our house about 30 minutes before his parents did and left 5 minutes after they left. I will never do that again.

Start your own new family traditions. I don't think it's spiteful or mean. It's simply doing something new with your family. When your STXWW blew your family apart, she blew apart the traditions too.

If you are capable of doing the whole blended family bit with ex-es and currents and the crew, more power to you. It would probably take me about 400 more years of therapy for that.


Grapes are versatile. Grapes can be sour, sweet, sublime as wine and fabulous even when old and dried out.

Me: BS
XCH: Clueless
2-DS: Bigger than me
1-DD: Now also bigger than me!

5/6: Personally served CH with divorce papers
6/6: CH F? wants to time to see if M can be saved
7/6: FCH reenters our lives to work on marriage but secretly signs papers to start divorce...what's that about?
Mediation set for November
Final dissolution in January 2007.
2008 and beyond: Life goes on...
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Why do you want to enable a stbx?
...Plan B is over.. it's time to either speak full-blown reconciliation or full-blown separation.

A life bouncing back and forth is the life of a rubber ball...
...not a respectable human being.

Jim

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Starman,

Make your own special Christmas for you and the kids. It does feel weird at first, and I'm sure it'll be different for your kids, but they'll get used to it. I kinda think my kids really enjoy having 2 Christmas days now... Twice as good!

Miker


I was the BS - 36
She was the WS - 36, PA with MM
DS8, DD13, DD15 - All living with Dad
DDay 05/04, Divorced 08/05
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Starman. sorry that you have to deal with this, but what does your sep agreement say about who spends what holiday with whom? If you do decide to spend it alone just with the kids do you think that you stbxw will start to give a hard time with custody? Are the kids living with you? or her?


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