So, my divorce hearing is the 28th and I've decided that I will attend. My husband will be in town for Thanksgiving. I have not seen him in just over a year now and we've barely spoken in 9 months or so. As far as I know, he'll be bringing his girlfriend with him and it's unlikely I'll see him except for the divorce. I did ask him, out of respect for me, that he not bring her to the hearing. I believe he'll go with that.

So I was getting some things together to bring to his parent's house for him. I have his class ring, his ss# card and some of his pictures that have nothing to do with me. I'm also leaving the car title so he can sign it over to me. I've also decided to put my wedding ring in there too as I do not have the heart to do anything else with it. It feels right. My engagement ring represents something else to me so I will be keeping that. As I was going through my things to see if I was forgetting anything I came across a card. To give some background, right after we got married I caught him with a recent ad in yahoo personals. It devasted me at the time. I plan B'd him for a whole summer (he was at a military school so we were apart).

The front of the card:

Hearts on fire,
Love aflame.
Cinders fly,
You speak my name.

inside:
Passion smolders,
Red-hot haze.
Touch my soul,
Quench my blaze.


He wrote:
Nothing I can do or say will ease the hate you feel for me. I know this. I don't feel I can even attempt to tell you how sorry I am or anything, because I have said it all in the past and I did it again. I just hope that one day you will once again find it in your heart to believe in me again. I hope that some day I can bring that happiness that lights up your eyes back to you. With our vows, I did swear to myself to never allow myself to hurt you or even come close to hurting you again. I hope you can at least begine to believe that. I have ruined your life and ideals. I can never completely regain your trust and love. I am so ashamed. Awful, stupid thought have crossed my mind in the past 12 hrs. But I would never hurt myself physically, don't worry. But if I thought somehow it would make you happy again, would. I love you so much, K. And for the rest of my life, i will do nothing but prove to you my love and that you can trust me. And that you didn't make a mistake in marrying me. Which I'm sure you feel how. I love you, K.
T

God, this made me cry. I have not cried over this man and this broken marriage in over a year. But this made me cry. These words from a man who says now he never felt that I was "the one", that he always had doubts. And at that time, he did the actions to back up the words--did counseling, opened his life to me (as far as internet passwords and such). I believed him. Believed everything he said and did. That is why this is so hard for me, I think. I believed him. He did finally gain my trust back and as soon as it was at 100%,--BAM...had a full blown affair and here I am today. How can people do that to each other. And *why*? Why would you say these things to someone? Yes, I was ready to walk after this incident---SOOOOOO ready, but I gave him a chance. He earned it.

I can't help but think of him as evil.

This is no fog. This is just him--his character. just wish that made it easier to deal with. It doesn't---makes me feel horrible for believing in him.

Grrrrrr....you can't imagine how much I want to make him read this card before our divorce hearing. I just want him to know what he's done. Make him understand. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I don't think he ever will, though. grrr grr grrr....

Sorry, folks, thanks for the vent.

You know what, Aislinn? Return the card to him, but not the ring. The ring, at least, is worth something. Put that away for a year or two and then pawn it and go buy yourself something nice.

As for trusting him a second time, don't beat yourself up over it. I did it, too. You are a lucky person who can allow herself to heal and go on with her life and not hold things against people. Keep moving forward. Your generous nature will assure your future happiness.

~ Snow

Aislinn, to me trusting him again says alot about your character, and what he did to you after he had regained your trust says alot about his.

I too agree with Snowbelle, give him back the card to remember you by, and the promises that he obviously could not keep, take the ring either pawn it or have it melted into something else.

aislinn,

I too suggest you return or burn the card and keep the ring.

For my anniversary in 2004,my WH gave me a card that had a lot of sad statements in it but ones that were not really true as he went about doing the same things that had brought us to where we were at the time.It meant nothing to me so I threw it in the wood stove.

A for my rings I am still deciding what to do as I have 3 but I won't give them back to WH.He just might to something evil with them too and I don't want him to have them.They are mine.Take some time and think first ok?

Good luck.

O

Heck, like Swan said, keep the ring and have it melted down into something else. There have been court cases on the subject. Once given to you, they're yours, period.

How about returning the card with the letters "BS" written with a thick, red magic marker over the words he wrote?

You shouldn't feel bad about anything. You're a good person. You trusted and he turned that against you. It's not your fault that HE doesn't have the capacity to be good person.

Personally I packed up all of my WH's old cards and love letters and delivered them to the OW. I just thought she would like to see how similar his letters to her were.

My STBXSIL kept her ring from her first marriage and traded it in on a beautiful grandfather clock.

I wonder now what she will do with ring #2 as she is about to divorce BIL??? Maybe she has a home decorating plan?? New furniture perhaps? Ugghh. Never had a divorce so close to me. It sucks.

I did the following: sold the ring. Bought a new one...from ME to ME...to remind myself of who I am NOW>

I returned my wedding album to him. Gave him my beautiful wedding portrait that used to hang in our formal dining room. Gave him all the pictures. Gave him my memories back. I think that the ow deserves to see them. And yes, it freaks her out every day. I am the ghost that lurks in their affair home.

Am so sorry your wh wrote those words to you.

He is not himself. He has had a break wtih reality. When people go on and on about how my xh has "lost it" and why he's done what he has done...that is what I respond with. That he has had a break with reality.

My xh's ow/w recently found my plan B letter and my simple wedding ring. My xh had hidden it away...placed it in a plastic baggie...hid it from her eyes. And because it was carefully hidden and both were placed in a plastic baggie, ow/w surmised that my xh had read it often...and thought of it often.

It is what haunts her now. And him too.

For me, giving that back was me being able to move forward. I have NO photos in my home up of me and xh. None. Only photos are of ds and myself. I do have up on fridge one photo (group photo) of ds and his soccer team when darth was the assistant coach. I cleverly used a magnet and a second photo of ds to cover up face and body of Darth as he was standing on the end in the picture.

Just listen to the Keith Urban song "You'll think of me" and you will know you did the right thing. Because when fog begins to lift...either soon or someday after it is too late to win you back, the man will think of you. You will be the white elephant standing in the living room, in the bedroom, in every room of that affair relationship. Trust me on that one.

aislinn, I know exactly what you are going through~ I too read all the old cards, letters, even journals that we wrote back and forth....I have our MB books, and the emotional needs questionaires, and I just keep thinking WHY would he say and write all these things that he obviously didn't mean~ WHY? And why in the world did I believe any of it? Ugh!!!! It just would have been so much easier if he HADN'T begged for forgiveness after the first A. Why would he gain my trsut again just to betray me AGAIN?!?!?!?!?!? WHY?????

{{{maddy}}} I know it doesn't feel right at the moment but hold onto the ring. Just put it away for the time being and when you are ready..sell it. It is yours and he does not deserve it back. He broke his vows, not you. I will be keeping you in my prayers my friend.